What Should I Do? - Grove City,PA

Does the baby spend a lot of time around men? It could be the fact that he's a man that is making him nervous. One of my friend's husband was deployed soon after her baby was born for a year and when he came back she had a hard time going to him, the only man she would go to was grandpa, all the other people in her life were women.

Does he have a big voice? My daughter was sometimes scared if her dad would raise his voice, not even in anger, because he has a big man voice.

Another friend of mine's child is afraid of men with facial hair for whatever reason. My sister's baby cries if a man wears a hat around him. It could really be anything, but the only thing that will make it better is if he spends more time with him.

MamaBear,
He is strange with him because his father IS a stranger! He has seen him 3 times in 10months. Explain to the father that he needs to develop a relationship with his son...not expect instant love at first sight. Good luck, sweetie!

Let his and your person problems aside. Your son needs a relationship with both parents. Did you have both parents? Could you imagine not? And if you didnt how did that make you feel? You cannot just decide he cant see his kid. You have to work it out, if not he has every right to take you to court. He if was good enough to make a baby with, hes good enough to see him.

I read through your other posts :)
It sounds like your ex is extremely immature, which is to be expected, you guys are so young! It also sounds like YOU are doing everything you can to be the best mom you can be, for which I commend you. Your ex needs to take some parenting classes, read a book on child development, and get his priorities in order if he want to continue to be a part of this child's life. He may need to have a mentor of his own, too. Is there a Parent to Parent group in your area? It's usually run by the United Way, but other non-profits sponsor this as well, check around. This program provides adult, mature, trained mentors to help young parents become the best parent they can be. It's free. Here's the link to their homepage for PA:
http://www.parenttoparent.org/
What you can do is encourage him to see the baby as often as he can, keep the conversation polite and gentle while he's there because your baby will pick up on any tension or bad feelings between you two.
I got pregnant very early into my relationship with my husband (we knew each other only 8 weeks, but we were in our early 20s and I already had finished college) and one thing we always promised each other was that no matter what happened between the two of us, we would put our child first and work very hard to build a good friendship so that we could both be involved in his life.
If you haven't already taken parenting classes, I suggest you take them together. This boy will be in your child's life from now on, most likely, which means he will be in your life, too. It is your responsibility as the more mature one to help him see that a friendly relationship between the two of you will benefit the baby and will help him have a long and wonderful relationship with his child. Try to understand he is a very confused, very young, and very inexperienced boy (your ex, I mean). Hopefully if you make the effort, he will fall in line. Patty B. has great advice on how to help your ex become more acquainted with his son, I suggest you follow it.

I hate to say it but some of it could be he's picking up on your feelings about him as well. I'm not saying your feelings are wrong (don't even know exactly what they are) but babies are perceptive. You might try hanging around with the both of them for a little while and acting comfortable/happy and see if that makes a difference. I'm sorry you guys are dealing with this. Good luck!

Babies are funny about things like that! My first didn't want anything to do with my mother in law as a baby. He would just scream, and really she is the sweetest person in the world, a mother of 5 and just awesome. I always figured that it was because in the very beginning of his life if I needed to go somewhere etc she would keep him and he had this association with being left with her. But now my new one who is 8 months is funny with my sister in law, which my first just adored! So you just never know. It is so hard but tell him not to take it personally and just relax. He may try to approach your son and handle him too quickly and baby doesn't know him well and doesn't like that. With my SIL I think that is what happened. My lil dude was just starting to have preferences for people and I walked into a room and handed him off to my SIL immediately. Boy did he scream! Now we all have to be together a few minutes and he has to check her out for a while and then he will go to her. It's like he just wanted to put his tiny foot down and let me know that immediately handing him off was very uncool. Babies have wishes and feelings and they don't always make total sense to the parents. So I would say next time you get around Dad, you stay a few minutes and you just keep holding/playing with baby. Then let Dad sit near you and talk to him, maybe pick up a very inticing toy and see if it will get baby's interest to go and crawl over of his own will. Good luck!!! It won't last forever but I think if Daddy wants to see his son, I would make that happen! Good luck:)

When his dad wants to see him , does he try and take him out by himself , or does he stay with you and your son? If he tries to take him out somewhere then that may be why , I'd suggest letting his dad come to your home for a few hours to play , until your son knows who he is and is comfortable with him. Also at this age it is common for them to be clingy to mom , even if the parents are together. One thing I wouldn't put up with is him coming and going from your sons life as and when he feels like it , make it clear that he has to stick around , if he chooses not to see him again then that is it , no more chances , you have to do what is best for him and he needs stability.

Good luck it sounds like you are doing great in the hardest job in the world.

If his father is trying to be a father, you should encourage the relationship; however, you should make it clear to him that if he is going to have a relationship with his son, the relationship needs to be genuine. He needs to be there for him as a father would regardless of your relationship status w/ him or anyone else.

Nurture their relationship but don't force him to go with his dad independently until all of you are comfortable w/ that.

We don't know all the facts.

I sounds like there's no legal agreement. Be aware if you yank visitation that the father can seek legal means to see the child and then you have no input at all. Stay in good standing with the father at all times.

I would reassure the father that it's a bit difficult to coherse a 10 month old baby. They sense things on their own and many times with no real reason.

It doesn't matter (especially in the court's eyes) if he showed little interest before. He's showing interest now.

I would explain to the father that because the child does not know him yet, because he hasn't seen him enough before and hasn't had enough time to know him now that it's normal for him to react this way. The baby may see a stranger for a moment but he's going away with the father and for lengthy times so it may be more unnerving. Remember, you both may be sweet to the child but if either of you are yelling or angry in his sight or ear shot that will play into how he feels about both of you.

I would select more regular times for the father to see the child. If there's no legal agreement you will be in charge of the days and times. I would also require the father to have financial responsibility. Make it reasonable. Be fair.

Down the road you will probably end up in court so document everything that happens, keep everything for proof on both sides, including receipts of his payments to you. This will protect both sides and keep things fair and balanced for the child. After all, the child is the key here.

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

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You already have good advice, so I only want to point out that your ex didn't want to see the baby when you had another man around. This may indicate that he's really more interested in you than the baby, since you can't keep him away from the baby legally. Many fathers don't live with their kids, but they still participate in their lives. Just something to think about.

Hi, Mama:
Baby's go through stranger anxiety.
Does the baby's father be good to him? Take care of his
needs?
If he is, the baby will learn to self soothe and your husband
will learn how to cope with a crying baby.
Both will learn to get along and cope with each other.
Thanks for asking.
D.

If you feel like his father is a good person and you want for your son to have him in his life, then tell dad to come visit the baby more often but for shorter lenghts of time, so the baby gets familiar with daddy slowly and steadily. During this time dad should NOT be pushy and hold the baby if he's not ready to be held by him. The point is giving your son time to get "acquainted" with daddy and not to feel him as a stranger.In the meantime, your job as a mommy is not to confuse your son with other father figures (boyfriends) but to support your ex's attempt to build a relationship with his son. If you want a boyfriend, go out with him on your own without carrying baby along (leave him with your mom or someone very trustworthy) and try to introduce another man to your son only after he reconnected with his father and only after you see that your new relationship with boyfriend is well founded and serious. DO NOT involve baby with random boyfriends, protect him by leaving him out of your "adult" needs until you are ready to offer him a stable environment to call home.
I would also talk to daddy and make sure he is committed to be in his son's life forever: your baby, just like any other baby, needs emotional stability.

Well your son is still quite young. My middle child went through the same thing but I am married and my husband and I live in the same house.
My middle son was just ( and still is) clingy. One time I handed him to my husband we were snuggling in our bed and the kids came in the morning. He was about the same age as your son. My baby literally jumped out of my husbands arms to get back to mine arms. However I had to go to the bathroom..so he just had to scream for a minute..oh well.
Everyone brings their own insecurties into a relationship. He probably figured you didnt need him since you had another boyfriend. I would try to make this relationship between your son and his dad work. Meet at a neutral place like a place to eat or a park. If you trust him enough invite him to dinner.
I would do something all 3 of you. You son is soooo little and its normally to be more attached to one parent then the other. Show your son by example that you feel comfortable with his dad and your baby hopefully become more comfortable wih his dad.

Babies are super perceptive. If he feels tension form dad that's going to make him uncomfortable. Do you two raise your voices around him? That'll also send a message to the baby that this is not good. I also think you need the courts to settle visitation and money issues with your ex. If I recall he can't pay CS because he is on SSI? Bottom line for your ex, you can't decide that today I feel like I want to be a dad and tomorrow change your mind, all children need consistancy. I also feel that a lot of really young moms don't realize they can live without a man in their life. Now that you are a mom, you have to be much more picky in BF's, because you are a package deal now, so maybe just for a while stay away from the dating scene and just be a great mom. Also as a side bar does your ex have a beard, goatee or wear glasses? A lot of babies for some reason are afraid of those features, don't know why. You sound like you are doing your best and you are looking for advice from other moms and that is definitly a foot in the right direction.

my twins were a little past 2 when their dad started being a dad. before that he would drop in once every 4 - 5 months for maybe an hour. i finally told him that was not gonna cut it- either be in their life or dont but there is no in between. at that time the kids didnt really have a lot to do with him because they didnt know him and i'm sure they could sense the tension between us. when he started coming around regularly (every saturday) at 1st i was leery of letting them get close to him. what if he disappeared again? but u know what? he didnt. it took their dad 2yrs to step into his role and now that he has, he's doing great and they love seeing him. they're 3 now and he's been getting them every sat. for about a year. it took a little while, but now they get so excited when they know he's coming! give your ex a chance and see if he's sincere about a relationship with his son. hopefully you'll be pleasantly suprised!!!

Really, he's mad? If your son's father is mad at you because a 10 month old cries when he rarely sees him, then use caution about letting him be in the child's life. But if he's never done anything to lead you to believe he would hurt the child or yourself, then of course your son needs to know his dad loves him-even if it sounds like dad my vanish if you get another boyfriend.
Meanwhile, just explain to the dad that 10 month olds are babies and not to take it personally. He needs to man up and love the child no matter if he cries or not.

If dad is not abusive, he and baby need to build a relationship. Dad can't be mad at anyone but himself if his son doesn't recognize and love him. But, he has the opportunity now to start building a relationship with him. I would continue bringing them together for supervised visits. They need to bond. It sounds like dad is immature and childish himself, so, he needs to bond with his son as much as the other way around. I know his mentality. He's going to need a "mini me" dressed like him, and acting like him to be proud of and show off. Once they build that bond though, it's unbreakable and your son will have a father. There needs to be a lot of growing up along the way, but it's a start. This is the father you chose for your son. He is always going to be his father. If you don't encourage a relationship, your son will grow up angry with you and with him. There are too many boys without fathers now. That's how we ended up with guys like him! You can help stop that cycle.