Dating a Guy with a Son, Dont Have Any of My Own, Need Advice!!!!!

hi L.,
good for you for thinking this stuff through at this point! as a step-mom, you have a delicate balance, but one that can be so very rewarding for both of you. first off, don't ever try to be 'mom'. and if his mom is a drama queen, all the more reason for a safe, patient, reliable female presence in his life. support your boyfriend and help him be a great dad. don't antagonize the mother, and support her also in her probably difficult circumstance. your feelings are natural and it's wonderful that you are listening to yourself and honestly working on coming to terms with how you feel. your bf will love children with you every bit as much as he loves his son. your role is to learn to love his son every bit as much as you will your natural children. but don't force it. remaining introspective and forthright about your own feelings while being kind and caring to this little boy will most likely develop into lots of love all round.
:) khairete
S.

I would run as fast as I could from a man who tells me he didn't ever care for the mother of his child, yet used her for sex and got her pregnant. Can you not see that he disrespected her and used her to satisfy his own urges? And now he is living with you out of wedlock, basically doing the same thing. Hopefully, you are using an effective birth control method because past performance is the best measure for future behavior. A few years from now, you could be the one with a child and an ex-boyfriend who is telling his newest conquest that he never really cared about you. At this point, his 100% priority should be his child, and that will, for the rest of his life, include the mother of this innocent child. Please begin to respect yourself as the strong woman it seems you want to be and find a man deserving of you.

I too am a stepmom I have no children of my own. I been one for over 20 years for 2 boys and 1 girl. First do not get jealous this will cause alot of problems. Just be best friends with his son and tried to do things with him. Try to be understanding what your boyfriend is going thru and don't let the mother bother you. You need to be the strong one with the common sence.

It's not easy by an mean's and it will work itself out. As time goes on you will understand what I mean. I am very close to my stepkids we do everything together they all have babies and I babysit for them when they need it. This kept us stay close and I love babysitting for my grandkids.

First, I have to say that I agree with a lot of what Maridee said. Make sure you use protection and do NOT get pregnant! While I think it's admirable that your boyfriend is trying to be a good Dad to his son, saying that he never cared for his son's mother, is not a good sign for you. I think you need to look at yourself and think about your needs from this relationship. Knowing about how things were in his past relationship and seeing how he treats past lovers, should be significant signs for you.

It sounds as though you want to get married and have kids of your own with him, but are you sure that living with him before even being engaged is really the right thing to do? Does he ask you to frequently watch his child while he's out doing other things? If so, then it sounds like he wanted you to move in so you can be his son's caregiver. I think it's great that you want to be a good "stepmom" to this child, but look at your current role...you're really NOT his stepmom because you're not married to this guy. Only through the committment of marriage will that happen. (BTW, I'm not trying to sound like a moralist, just a realist!)

That being said, I agree with the other people that said you should not be jealous of the child in any way. Try to make peace with his mother, and if you can't, at least try to be loving and supportive of your boyfriend's son. He's just a child trying to make sense out of his own parents and the world and needs all the love and support you can give him. Talk with your significant other about discipline techniques and be sure you're on the same page so that you can be as consistent as you can for the child. Consistency and stability for the boy will not only help him in the short and long term, but will also help you to minimize any drama in our own life. Good luck!

I think you should talk with your bf about what he wants your role to be. Does he have his son all the time or part time? I think that will be a big determinate in what your role is. So just discuss with your boyfriend things like, does he what you to have an important role in the parenting or is that just up to him and the mother.Are you going to be allowed to discipline the son? If so how? What is he going to call you? Does he expect you to do everything when he has his son, do nothing, share the responsibility with him? You said you wanted to have children with him well his involvement with his son now tells you what kind of father he is. If you you have children with him, he should be equally involved with them and love them the same. Sometimes in a situation like this the new children may get more love/attention because they are around more and the father is in love with the current mom. So if you do have kids together don't leave his son out. I would say also for the two of you to talk with the mother about what your role should be, but she may not be reasonable according to what you have said. She may just want to be sure that you are going to be a permanent figure in her sons life and not just someone that he will get attached to that is here today gone tomorrow. Communication is very important in these situations. I hope this has helped.

Sounds like you need to separate the mother and father issues and be there for the child and approach the child as one that needs someone and you are that person, not as my boyfriends son that he has with a drama queen. Approach your boyfriend, concerning the child, ashis support system. You want him to be responsible and you should be his cheerleader so he feels supported by making hte right decisions concerning his son. I think your role is to be supportive for him and a great "PERSON" for the child for now. If things change and your role becomes more permanant your role should always include support for them both, not baby momma dramma!!
Of course this is just my opinion and I think you should do what is comfortable for you.
T.

L.:
Good luck. The great thing is that this little guy is young so he can form a bond with you early. For all your questions on what to do to handle these feelings and things that will come up in the future there is a great website I used when I was a step-mom for a breif time. www.steptogether.org. There are catagories of questions and answers as well as some letters/articles written about becoming a step parent and what the roles are and what the boundaries should be. It really helped with every issue that I faced. I hope it helps you. Blessings, S.

Realize you are blessed to have found a man who 'gets it'.
Dedication to love, family, commitment, you, And himself. He obviously gets the whole responsibility thing- he is caring for his child, making sure he is a positive role in the child's life AND loves you so much to allow you the honor of participating- and it is an honor. He loves himself enough that he know everyone would be happier in the long run to leave a loveless relationship and still maintain his fatherhood- his reward? He found a woman he loves- you. Don't be jealous- you find youself in a beautiful situation surrounded by love- embrace it. Get some books, do some reading on the subject. Don't let petty fears endanger the happiness happening around you.

well sense you arent really the step mom but the dads girlfriend im leaning towards babysitter type relationship. you care for him and love him but all of his responsibilities are still on his mom and dad. when you do get married and his welbeing involves you on a personal level and involves your life you will then be just like his mom but her thoughts and feelings on her son will still come first to your own. like say she wants him to go to preschool and you dont think its necesary. basically its up to her. as long as mommy isnt upset about what you do or dont do then you are probably going to be just fine. thats all you need is the ex fussing at your man about what you do with her son. good luck!

I was in the same situation 9 years ago. My first inclination is to tell you to RUN AWAY from this man and his baggage as fast as you can. Save yourself the pain of feeling like you are "second" and as if your life and future were dependant on what his ex-wife dictates because she is "the mommy". I still feel that way sometimes, and it is very frustrating and hurtful. My more rational piece of advice to you is to hang on because you love this man. It has taken 9 years for my husband's ex-wife to become "normal", mostly because she did not date much for the first 8 years and was still holding on to the past. She has been dating a guy for one year and has not been interested in causing drama in our lives! as for your role in the child's life, I can tell you that I am supportive of my husband and his needs which are fostering a relationship with his daughter, however he chooses to do that. I don't try to act like a mother to her because I am not her mother. I am more concerned with setting an example for a funtional relationship.
I hope this helps. GOOD LUCK! And ALWAYS be true to yourself.

I don't think you're selfish at all L., they are just natural emotions you are going through and should be resolved in order for you and your boyfriend to build an eternal family together.

I have married a man with 3 children from a previous marriage. The youngesthad just turned 5 when we got married. We have a good relationship but I can't expect the same kind of respect or obedience from them as their mother does. The first 2 years I tried so hard to be their friend and the coolest step-mom ever, but they're just children. You've really gotta go with the flow and not expect too much.

We now have a son together and are happy in general. I am super happy about my son, it's the best feeling in the world when you're son smiles at you and wants a hug... but to my husband he's the 4th child and gets treated that way. Perhaps unintentionally, but nevertheless, if you can help it I think it's best to meet someone with similar circumstances but 1 child is also a different dynamic from 3 step children. Go with your gut and see how your relationship with his son goes.

Best of luck!

I am a step-child and let me tell you that the whole taxonomy is misleading. A realtionship will either develop where one day you feel like you have a kind-of parent/child relationship, or it won't. And that is something you will come to later on. For a two-year old who's mother is still in his life, you're just Daddy's girlfriend. And if you get married, you're just gonna be Daddy's wife. Maybe you'll come to some sort of mother role eventually, but if it takes birth mothers 10 months gestation and some sort of delivery process to earn the title, you're not going to get it just by getting a boyfriend.

So, what to do now? I agree that you should foster some sort of relationship with the child's mother. Tell her that you are not interested in the drama that occurred between her and the father. That is of the past, and you all need to let that go. You want the best, healthiest environment possible for the baby when he is forced to be shuttled back and forth between the two household. Admit that while you may never be friends, it is worth putting aside your petty issues (and that includes your jealousy) to work toward the best possible future. And never, ever, ever put your boyfriend in the position where he feels he has to completely devalue the time he spent with this woman, making a child, in order to appease your issues. That is selfish. Be flexible.

Your job is to make a happy daddy so he has more energy to devote to being a good daddy. Don't steal from this innocent child who didn't ask to be born into this quagmire.

Good for you for trying so hard to make this work!

I would first say that it must be very hard to be thrown into motherhood at age 2. Most of us do it gradually. You should know that it is hard to be a mom and there are times we all struggle and feel like we aren't doing a good job or even wish for time-off. The most important thing is respecting the child as a little person and not "just a kid." You have to teach him to be an adult one day, and so remember he needs to learn the rules of life and not just the rules of being a kid.

Teach him to love his mom and dad AND you. He loves his mom no matter what and anytime you or his dad let negative feelings show, you would be hurting him. It doesn't matter how awful she may be. Whether you like it or not, you are all part of one family, hopefully until you are all grandparents.

Truth is, I am sure she loves him, and it must be awful to have to share him. As an experienced mom, I can't imagine having another woman in my kids' lives. I would worry about his safety, his comfort, his loyalty... I don't blame her for holding on with dear life to all she has,and for expecting you to prove yourself an acceptable caregiver. She should. I think that with time or when you have your own baby, you will understand much better these feelings. And if she can put his well-being first, and be open to you, it is the most generous thing I can imagine her doing.

Teach him he is great and even if you are mad at his mom or dad, you aren't mad at him.

And teach him that when you get frustrated, you can calm down and apologize, at him, his dad or mom. Act how you want him to act and don't have different expectations.

GOod luck!

I was in a similiar situation in 1990. My now husband, had a 4 y/o, Trey, and was divorced from drama ex.. Try to learn more about what his son enjoys and develop your own relationship with him that is special, but different from his relationship with his own mother and father. Try at all costs to ignore the drama, trust in your relationship with your boyfriend, the less involved with the ex. you are the better. Do not even bother to respond to her inappropriate comments. It is normal too at times to wish that you had your boyfriend all to yourself. Over time I came to love Trey in such a way that I was not jealous of my husband's time with him. Eventually, the drama with the ex., about 8 years later, dissipated. Yes, we have our own children whom he loves as much as he loves Trey.

It is a very hard road. I have two great stepchildren, and the X is good (now - had trouble early on). I'm 11 years into marriage, and I would definitely advise against it. And I say that even though things have worked out now. It sucked for a long time. Life is short. And definitely don't "live together". Talk about whiplash for the kid - what if it doesnt work out? Commit to sticking it out (marriage) then take on the step mom role. Becoming stepmommy without marriage is setting all of you up for a world of hurt. You arent step mommy - you're just Daddy's girlfriend. *If* you're going to do this - and I advise move on - get married FIRST - then take a supportive role in the child definitely not primary, have as little contact with the X as possible - that is your husbands job.Just reassure her that you're there to help not to take over and leave it at that. Repeat that mantra and don't get drawn into the drama. But seriously - you CAN find someone else. Sometimes feeling selfish tells you that you shouldn't do it. It's not that you're selfish, its that you know the situation isn't good for you! Listen to that voice - don't try to talk yourself into going ahead because you don't want to be seen as selfish for choosing to move on. Its not selfish - its smart. Be smart.

Sorry if this sounded preachy - I don't know if I'd have listened to anyone 12 years ago - but maybe it would have made me think harder about it. Good Luck-
D

Hi L.! I think one of the best things that you can all do is have a good relationship as adults together. Where your boyfriend's ex may seem a bit crazy (I dont have all the details or know her but this is my guess) she has a son that she wants to be sure is taken care of and what you will do for your kids (as you will find out one day) will make you do some crazy things. Personally if someone wanted to try to be a mother to my child that wasnt me, I would have a cow... so work together so that there isnt any animosity. As far as being a "step-mom".... really until you are married, you are not a step-mom, but you can help in raising the child with love and understanding.

I can hear that you are excited about being in this relationship and that you want to be in a great relationship and eventually get married and have children of your own but you have entered into a relationship that will most likely not get you any of the things that you want. Here are my thoughts on why this relationship can be disadvantageous to your future marriage.
Many WOMEN navigate relationships without totally looking at the reality of the relationship and as a result they do not see how their present choices can have serious implications for their life. Many women think that they are "the right woman" for every man and therefore can change the man that they are with to fit the woman's desire. Many women, though seeing the many problems in their relationships, think that somehow they can improve the situation if only they were better at something in the relationship. HOWEVER.....
Relationships are built on FACTS, analysis of CURRENT circumstances and LOGICAL thought not solely on emotion(which changes like the wind). Many, many, many women enter into and stay in destructive relationships because they are too emotional in their thinking.
1. You are not a step mother because your boyfriend has not married you, you are just the present girlfriend. The fact that he is willing to just live with you and not marry you shows that he is not totally committed to you and does not desire at this point to be totally committed to you.
2. You have NO say in what happens between him and his ex-girlfriend and therefore will ALWAYS be upset that he has to interact with her constantly.
3. You will have NO say in how he raises HIS child or disciplines him / her, even if the child becomes disrespectful to you.
4. His ex-girlfried WILL most likely be continuously upset with him AND you because you are living with her ex and HER child.
5. You will most likely become pregnant and end up in the same situation as his ex-girlfriend (birth control does not always work).
6. He most likely will not marry you because that would be additional drama for him.
5. Your relationship will not be as fun as you IMAGINE that it could be.

Please understand that I am not trying to be negative but there are just too many women who make bad relational choices then blame the other person for how things end up. You have to be in control of your life and that involves making sound decisions.
I think that you are being somewhat selfish in this situation because you are thinking about your needs only, not the needs of this child. All of you should be thinking about what is BEST FOR THE CHILD. Your boyfriend and his ex should be focusing ALL of their attention on raising this child, NOT on dating. I encourage you to be a wise woman and generous woman and to encourage your boyfriend to put his child 1st and to stop dating while his child is a minor. A child should not have to deal with his parents trying to fulfill their companionship needs when they should be parenting. I know that this means that you won't be in a relationship with him, but it is most likely what is best for the child AND for you. Won't you like to be in a relationship that doesn't have any baggage or drama? Won't you like to know that your boyfriend is committed enough to you to marry you? Please choose wisely. I strongly encourage you to read the book "10 stupid things women do to mess up their lives" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. It is an excellent book.

Hi L.,

I think it's wonderful that you are concerned about your role enough to ask for advice! Your situation sounds very similar to mine. I have had many of the same concerns and worries that you express. I married a man who had a 2 1/2 year old son at the time. My stepson's mother has always been over the top and continues to be. And, we have just welcomed our daughter into the world. It has not been easy at all. We've all had to make many major adjustments to make this work, but I think it's worth it.

You will only ever have as much influence on your stepchild's raising as your husband will support. Too many stepmom friends have their husbands undermining their rules or contradicting them or not enforcing what they have agreed on. Some of my stepmom friends choose to continue to connect with their stepkids. Others prefer to detach - sadly. So, remembering that, proceed slowly and see how responsive your boyfriend is to your requests, concerns and input. If he welcomes you as a real partner in raising his son, take that on, but remember, his say should be the final one because he is the boy's father. Does your boyfriend say to his son and you that the three of you are a family? Or, are you the outsider, come lately? Does he include you in activities while also reserving special time for him and his son?

Remember, he still has that connection to the boy's mother and always will. He will have to make decisions with her and communicate with her, etc. My advice on that is to stay out of that situation. Wait for your boyfriend to ask your advice, and never respond directly to a crazy woman. It won't get you anywhere and sometimes it will even backfire with your boyfriend taking his son's mother's side! When you get really angry with her, try to stir up some compassion for her. Think about how her ups and downs must affect her son. Giving him a calm, consistent, positive influence will go a long way in establishing a relationship with him.

Think about what kind of life and family you want to build. Is your boyfriend's perspective similar? In order to have what you are looking for, it is crucial that your boyfriend be on the same page. If not, there's nothing you can do to make it happen. So, before you "step" in, test the waters and evaluate.

With respect to his son, just love him. Give him lots of hugs and encouragement. Play with him. Read to him. Snuggle with him. Leave as much of the discipline to his father as possible. Even though you are in his life at a young age, you will not have the same kind of bond he has with his natural parents. Love and enjoy your stepson. Give him the best example of what a good marriage is and what a good woman does.

Find some things you can share with him - just the two of you - hobbies, activities, inside jokes, etc. Bring some traditions into the family. This has helped me bond with my stepson. I looked at what he liked to do and built some family traditions on that. For example, we have family movie night - every Friday he's with us. He gets to choose the movie and we all eat a special treat -- On the Couch!!

Find ways to inspire your stepson. Find ways to foster his relationship with his dad. I have always let them spend their time together: on the first day each time he comes to our house for his long weekends, on the last day before he leaves, every morning (they watch cartoons together on the couch and snuggle), and every night my husband does the bedtime tuck in.

Include him, include him, include him. If you get married, find a way to include him in the ceremony and preparations. We still refer to it as "our wedding" as does my stepson. My sister's son was four when she married his now adoptive dad. Before the wedding my nephew used to tell everyone, "Me and mommy are marrying Bill." And, that's exactly how it is. If you have children, include him in that. We referred to my daughter as "our baby" and so did my stepson.

Now we have a new baby together. And, my stepson is her biggest fan! He told us the best thing that happened to him last year was that he got a baby sister. He tells us she's his best friend. (It helps that his mother supports his relationship with his sister even if she doesn't support his relationship with me.) Our daughter, of course, just worships her brother. And, my husband loves them both more than he can put into words.

I can also recommend a good book. The single girl's guide to marrying a man, his kids and his ex-wife by Sally Bjornsen. Great read!!

Hi L.,

If you are feeling these things, you are right to ask. And yes, I do hear a little bit of the old green monster coming through. What, with an ex who is still very much in the picture because of her son. Brace yourself, because she will be there for a long time, because the baby is not going anywhere until age 18. And speaking of "baby momma drama," listen to yourself will you, "He never had feelings for the baby's momma." How do you suppose they made the baby? Or is your fellow the type who just has sex with women. No, some feelings were involved somewhere and at some level.

Is the guy your fiance'? Although you say you live with him, you refer to him as your boyfriend. Have you even discussed marriage? Perhaps you should ask yourself whether you are being premature in your thinking/feelings.

Although people have several children, they do love them all very much, however, the first born is always very special. Your boyfriend would be less than a man if he did not love his first child the same in spite of the fact that he may have others. No woman contemplating marriage to a man with a child by another woman should enter the arrangement thinking the child would take a back seat when she has her own baby. It sounds as if the green-eyed monster in you is already on the prowl. This can possibly make life miserable for your friend and his son. What is worst is that you already know this. Don't borrow trouble...but rather, see if you can open up your heart to love the son as if he were your own. Before you go any further, you probably need to do some serious soul searching. I know you love the man, but sometimes accepting him means accepting his baggage.

On another note, do you remember the cliche' about buying the cow? Well my advice to you is to be very careful. Sometimes when we think we have the best go, we find we are in for a rude awakening. If someone told me they never had feelings for a person who had given them a child, I would be very leary. Baby momma drama can be very stressful, but sometimes it can be avoided if we would just all treat one another with the proper respect.

Don't give in to your jealous tendencies, but rather try to put a little more love in your heart before going forth.

Totally normal - especially with no kids of your own...I'm speaking from experience because I was 28 when I got married to my husband and he had two kids with his ex - and she was very dramatic....we have since gotten full custody and moved away, but my friend is also dealing with an ex that is in the picture - it is never going to be easy or fun, but the best advice I can give you is, if you love your boyfriend and want to make this work, be prepared for a hard road and remind yourself of who you are - a strong, independent woman that is capable of anything - and even when your husband disappoints you, or the son throws a tantrum or the ex is rude, just be kind and take a step back....you are doing the best you can in a difficult situation and no one can fault kindness! The ex will be super jealous of you having 'her' life, and she may not like you because you are 'better,' but always be nice to her and she won't have much to say. And you will always question whether or not you would love the son as much as a biological child (especially since you have nothing to compare it to since you have none of your own right now), but how you feel and how you act can be separate until you form more of a bond...It took a long time, but I am feeling more comfortable with my role as a step-mom...I still don't have any of my own, but we are contemplating it - make sure your bf would like more as well if that's your plan.....he needs to be able to meet your needs as well as you meeting his needs. Let me know if you need any help...it helps to vent and have someone else to talk to - especially in a weird situation like yours! And don't forget you can always PRAY! That is a life saver!