Unsure on What to Do

Hi J.,

First J. my sympathy on the loss of yr sister. The First thing u need to do is file for custody of yr niece, This will give u the right to make all decision concerning yr niece like education, medical.And also it will prevent the father from coming and just taking her one day. And other thing did yr sister work, because if she did yr niece might be eligible for some social security.Hope all works out for u , it sounds like yr niece needs a stable environment.

I know alot of others have told you to get papers drawn up in court and I totally agree but if finaces are tight don't be afraid of this...look for some type of legal aide in your area. Most counties have something like this and they should be able to help you with the legal and possible court issues.

Good luck to you and your family..your neice is very lucky to have such a caring aunt and uncle.

I let my neice at the age of 13 live with me also, my sister 2nd husband molested her and no one wanted to get involved. It was really hard, the mood swings the temper and just the "leave me along" situation. but remember things do work out for the better. Your sister would be very grateful to you for raising her daughter and a keeping the thoughts and memories of your sister alive. Remember I lost my brother and helped with his daughter and his son, I talked about my brother all the time to let them know I missed him so much. They were a hand full but they are great kids. She will have many ups and downs do not hold that against her do not give up on her, things will get very rough but in the end she will be surprise you one day and be a very big part of your family and your life. And as for money, remember that too will also work out. If you have too, have the father pay you so much a month to help out. Do this all legal so you will not have to worry.
Remember this is a true blessing and if you and your husband are very strong and loving people things will work out. Go for it.
C.

I admire you for what you're about to do. I would say to make sure all possible legal papers are drawn up. Also, see if her father is willing to terminate his parental rights if he can't/won't pay child support. There is a program in PA called "kinship care" where you will receive a subsidy from the state that will help with expenses involved in raising a teenager. You may then also qualify for foodstamps and medicaid (unsure - you would have to check). The other benefit for initiating kinship care is that you will receive free parenting classes (not that you need them) but some will be specific to a child who has experienced loss of birthparents, etc. which will be very useful. Also, you will qualify for free counseling for her and the whole family in dealing with adding another child to the family, and any other issues that may crop up.

As far as insurance, if you are in PA, sign her up for CHIP if she does not qualify for Medicaid.

Please make sure all legal documentation is properly drawn up - it will save everyone a lot of heartache in the long run.

Good luck,
K. E.
(foster mother/adoptive mother- experienced with "the system!!!")

Happy to see there are still good people out there! I just did the same thing with my 15 year old brother 4 years ago after our mother passed. I would suggest you contact an attorney to make sure you have legal custody for many reasons. Insurance, school, medical....any matters in those categories will require you have legal custody. I went through an excellent attorney who was very resonable. Craig Alexander...###-###-####
Good luck. And be patient with her...shes been through a lot. I also reccomend you put her in counseling as soon as possible. She has a lot to work out at such a young age and might not be open to talking with you just yet.

First off, a good resource is:
http://www.hope4aparent.com
This website is run by a colleague of mine, (I am a therapist, but don't specialize in kids)She is excellent, and maybe able to give you some words of advice.

As far as your niece, I would talk to her and reassure that you are invested in her, and will not give up on her. A regular 13 yr old has insecurities, but given your situation, your niece will likely be very insecure as her mother's death, her father's inability to step up, and your other sister's inability to handle her. While they are all understandable situations to us as adults, a child sees it as "I am bad kid, they don't want me, everybody leaves or gives up" (While I am overgeneralizing, this is a likely possibility). I would also check into grief counseling or places in your area that have resources for children that lost their parents. I am from the Pgh, Pa area and I know we have somewhere called The Caring Place, that deals with just that. When kids are in situations like this they often lash out a little as they are afraid to get close, so it may be a little bumpy at first. Hang in there and good luck, you are doing a good thing.

For you to give up the things you want and give the things she needs already says right there, that no matter what you're love for her is strong. Take her in and show her the loving family that she needs right now. It seems to me that she might be struggling mentally right now for you're sister to kick her out. Once you decide to take her in, make sure she understands that you are there until the end. If not it might be a rough road. She needs someone to listen to her and to be her friend.

Your heart is telling you the right thing to do. When we come up with ideas that would help others but would make changes in OUR life, we are caring. I've had the 'want' to step in and take care of a niece before, but the mom, who wasn't really able, would not give her up. I only HOPE she's turned out nice and honorable, but I do not know. IF you should go with your heart and take her in, she will have a stable up bringing and you will be a better person in the long run. It won't be a simple thing to do... You will have hard times, not only with giving up things that you would normally have without her there. I think that knowing that you are helping her to become a beautiful young lady will outweigh all that tho.
Bless you and your big heart!

I would say if you can handle adding a 4th child to your household, and you can provide the stability that a 13 year old needs then it would be a wonderful thing for your niece to be with family. I would recommend having papers drawn up giving you "guardanship" or "custody" of her, and you could quite possibly receive child support, or even state support (I would check into the latter with the county/state that you live in).
I have a friend that has taken in a relatives child, all be it in PA, but she was able to receive child support from the childs father, and was able to receive state assistance on some of her grocery needs with adding another child to the household. I know a lot of people are too "proud" to accept state assistance, but when it comes to providing proper nurishment for your children/family, i feel you should do whatever is necessary.
It takes a person with a big heart to even consider what you are considering and I wish you all the luck! I hope that your niece is happy with you and your family, and based on the fact that you are even considering taking her into your family, I'm sure she will be! You just have to be strong, and show her the affection and attention that she probably needs after losing her mother.
Good luck and best wishes!