To Forgive or Not to Forgive?

I am in the middle of this right now. Never in a million years did I think I would stay with a man that cheated on me, but I was wrong. My husband and I have been married 9 years and together 14 1/2. We have a 3 year old daughter and I knew that things weren't right shortly after she was born. I found out when she was 1 1/2 that he was having an affair. He moved out for 6 weeks and then begged to come back home. I made him stay at his parent's house for a week (at age 33, that was not easy) and then he came back home. He saw her once or twice after that but has been devoted to our family since.

Is it easy-HELL NO. Do I wonder if I made the right choice-everyday. Do I think about it and her-everyday. It seemed like it was easier at first b/c we were working on us again and having a great time. Dating, leaving each other notes, having sex frequently-all of that was great. Now that we are back into our "niche", I wonder if I can truly forgive him b/c I think about her everyday, numerous times. I will say that to complicate matters, the woman he chose is obsessed and it is a little scary. She has lived with her new boyfriend for over a year, but will not stop calling, texting or showing up. I know my husband is not having anything to do with her(as a matter of fact, she showed up at his work late one night and "beat him up" b/c he refused to talk to her or sleep with her-and I do have witnesses). He came home with ripped clothes and a bloody nose! I have changed his number and he no longer gets text messages, but she always manages to contact him.

There is way too much to get into here, but I do think that I made the right choice in the end. If it were to ever happen again, with her or anyone else, I will be gone immediately.

Every situation is different and my husband and I truly are soul mates. We just quit being friends for awhile and that caused all of the problems.

Just when you feel you are the only one in the world going thru this horrible ordeal in your life, you realize that no, there are other people who have gone thru the same thing.

I am a divorced mother of three that was married to my childhood sweetheart. Yeap, thought I had met the guy of my dreams, married to him for sixteen years nearly when I finally decided enough was enough. As a human being I can tell you that deception and dishonesty in a marriage do not mix. If it were the first time you might be able to forgive him, you want to just because you do love him, or at least what you thought was love. I stayed with him all those years knowing what he was doing and he played on the fact that we had three kids together and he made me feel that I couldn't make it without him and what about the children why would I want to make them suffer. So I stayed and stayed and stayed until one day I realized that as much as I loved my children and God knows I do, these kids will grow up one day and have a life of their own and there I'll be still with a liar and a cheat. But I will say this, one day, maybe not anytime soon, but one day you will be able to forgive because not forgiving and holding on to the hate and all the termoil will only consume you and keep you from going on with your life and hopefully being happy again.

See, it took a long time for me to figure out that the reason I was so unhappy is because I had so much hatred and bitterness for what he had put me through and the torment he put me and my kids through that there was no way I could ever be happy until I was able to forgive him for what he had done.

It may take time but one day you will be able to forgive and free up all that space for happiness to take over and grow.

Best of Luck.

I haven't experienced it no, thank you Lord. However, if my husband was repentant I know I could forgive him. I signed onto this deal knowing he wasn't perfect and neither am I. We are called to love each other despite our many faults and failures. I choose to love him every day and that love isn't dependent on what he does. I don't believe any marriage is unsavable, if you seek God's guidance and direction he will show you the way. It isn't easy. It's not supposed to be.

You have to go with your gut instinct. I know I couldn't stay with someone I could not forgive or someone who was a repeat cheater. If there is an issue in your marriage, the counseling could help. If you are both honest with your feelings and willing to work equally on your marriage and you think this is something you can work through, then you should try. I don't know you or your situation but make sure you think things through and follow your gut.
My husband never cheated but we did go through a rough patch with our marriage due to a chronic illness and we went through counseling. There was another time where I almost ruined our marriage by shutting him out and letting someone else is bu we worked through it and were stronger because of it. I send you lots of love and support.

It all depends on how he is about it. Is he sorry -- has he come to you begging forgiveness and vowing to do whatever it takes to fix the marriage? Is he seeking counseling and working on fixing whatever is wrong in him in order to repair the relationship with you? Are you in counseling together?

If yes, then you have a chance.

Just don't do what one of my friends did: she didn't leave until she discovered affair #3 and suffered too many years of unhappiness in the meantime. The happy ending to her story is that she is now happy and loving the single life -- hearing all the things men who truly care say.

Mmmmm... after having read your other post, I'm starting to think that you and your son will have a better future away than with this man. YOU deserve to be happy and adored and it's hard to see that in the future with your husband. I'm not in your shoes, however, watch what is happening in your life and have a conversation with yourself. Ask yourself, "would you?" and answer yourself as if you were your own big sister. I know that sounds crazy -- but what I'm saying is to do what you would tell someone else in your shoes.

I read back on your previous requests and I'm sure this has been a really rough year for you with moving and all. You didn't say if your hubby is feeling better or if you went through with your divorce yet. But I'll tell you this based on my daughter's father (who didn't have the same problems as your hubsband), is no, don't forgive them because in his situation, me forgiving him once made him think it was ok to do it again, and again and again! My daughter has a wonderful step father now for 5yrs come November and couldn't have asked for a better male roll model for her. Back when she was 6mths (she is almost 9yrs old now) old, I prepared myself to raise her alone because I swore I'd never allow myself or her to be put in that situation ever again!
They cheat once-shame on them. They cheat twice-shame on you!

Good luck!
S.

S., I have been in your shoes and it is not a easy decision to make. However, You have to forgive. Not forgiving only hurts you. Does it hurt yes, but God tells us to forgive that does not mean you except anything. My husband and I divorced. It was very painful for me and my two sons. I prayed and continued to trust God. We ( my children and I) would pray for their father. I was even praying for his girlfriend because I knew she would have some source of contact with my children if she was to continue to be apart of their fathers life. I started a prayer journal and I would write a prayer out every day. For months at a time. Not knowing what was really going to happen. I prayed this simple prayer God help my children's father to be a good father to them. Bless his coming and going keep him and his girlfriend. I know this sounds crazy but this is what I did. I had a friend to tell me everytime I thought of my husband to pray for him. At first it was hard because I was hurt. But I began to realize the more I prayed for him the hurt begin to move. I was casting my burden on the Lord. He cares for us all even though we may not understand why things happen in or life the way they do. Anyway, for time three years later my exhusband comes back and says God sent him back. I laughed!!!! We are doing just fine without you. I am still praying for him but I did not believe him or trust him. But as time progressed and I continued to lift him before God my heart was healed and I saw a change in my exhusband. We remarried March 2001 and have add to our family two more sons. Was it worthy forgiving him you bet. But I advise you to seek God in your decision. If he repents ( change from his ways. Yes forgive him. There is a process, you can like I did forgive him with you mouth but until God heals the hurt you can not forgive with your heart. If you want to forgive, Tell God I want to forgive but I need your help. God will give you the desires of your heart if you delight yourself in him. It is not easy and yes we have ups and downs but with God all things are possible I am a living witness. It is so much sweeter the second time around and better because this time it is not just the two of us but there is three. In the morning we wake up and say good morning to each other. Then we come together to pray for each other and thank God for the gift he has given us in each other. I would like to share more but I am at work. I will be praying for you S. and you and your family. It will work out fine for you. May Heaven smile upon and remember to reach to God he will answer for he cares for you. Amother of 4 sons who is married to a precious gift sent from heaven who is not perfect but neither am I.

Why don't you take some time to yourself, a little sabattical. You need some time and space to think about all of this and it's hard to do when you are in the middle of it playing the role of a mother and wife that may be concealing what you really want and need. Let him take some vacation time and stay with the kids for a week while you try remembering who you are. Go to a hotel or if you can't afford that get a housesitting gig, or see if a friend or relative has a vacation home you can borrow.

S.

I'm not in your situation, but if I were I would find a good church. The larger ones have support groups that can help you. I never thought I would stay with someone who cheated, until I saw a friend deal with her divorce and how her kids handled it. After seeing that I'm not sure what I would do.

I'll be praying for you.

J.

I vote, GO!!!! based on your previous post, he sounds like he loves the other woman, plus he has mental issues. You sound like a strong woman to me who knows she needs to keep on moving in the direction of divorce.

I am sorry you have to go threw this. It'll get better. Peace of mind is worth more than all the gold in the world.

S., is your question should you reconcile or should you forgive? These are two different things. You should always forgive, for your personal mental health. Forgiveness is hard work and takes time. Reconciliation is easier than forgiveness, because even though the relationship is not good, it’s something that you know. Staying in something you know (even if it’s unhealthy) is usually easier than entering a phase of life that is unknown.

I don't know the specifics of you marriage but I can stay that statistically, children of parents who separate then reconcile (and stay in an unfulfilling marriage) do worse than children of parents who divorce.

Sorry for your troubles. I would really have to pray hard, and of course you can forgive him. Whether you can move forward depends on whether you both want to and with good counseling, it is possible. I have heard of ministries that specialize in this and it would be worth it to try everything you can.

What was the extent of the cheating? Was it an ongoing affair, was it a one time thing, was it constant companionship? Relationships are so complicated and since I don't know you or your husband it's hard to say. First we have to figure out why your ex husband went outside of the marriage.