My Husband Cheated

First of all, get in to the doctor to make sure you don't have a STD. Who knows what those women passed on to him. Make sure your health is #1.

Secondly, get into a marriage counselor. That's your best chance of figuring out whether you even want to stay with him. It can help you sort through everything.

Best of luck during this difficult time.

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Quit trying to be strong and go for help. You are feeling normal it will just take you time to readjust to this new information and figure you how you want to proceed. Please talk with your friends. If I were them, I'd be hurt that you didn't trust me to help you. God bless....

S.:

First off - you have NOTHING to be embarrassed about.

Secondly - don't be afraid to burst a friend's bubble because they THINK you have the perfect marriage.

You ARE setting an example to your children. Believe it or not - it's GOOD for children to see their parents argue. It shows them that just because they don't agree - they can still work things out. Does it work out all the time? No. But they can see how to fight "right" - no hitting below the belt, name calling, etc.

My first husband cheated on me - not once, not twice, but so many times I've lost count - I think he did as well. We tried counseling. For us - it didn't work because he felt entitled to having multiple partners - he freely admitted he was getting it at home - he just wanted variety and got it...

He has to own up to his mistakes - not just to you - but his family and his children. Sorry - but it's taking accountability for his actions and if he can't do that - then he's not really sorry.

DO NOT lose yourself in this. Please trust in your girlfriends. Let them see that you have bad days too. They may be able to offer advice that we cannot do here.

I have hugs going out to you. I'm truly sorry. Do NOT let his actions make you feel like less of a person. Get to a marriage counselor. Get those feelings out - tell him you don't trust him. Tell him what he needs to do in order to earn that trust back....have him get tested for diseases - yeah - it's been 5 years - but still there are things that can linger!!

YOU CAN DO THIS!!! YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!

S. Mae, I am so sorry you are going through this - let's find you some help, so you aren't doing this alone. Can you count on one of your girlfriends to be supportive and not judgmental? After all, experiences and times like this are what girl friends are for - it's okay to let them be there for you. You deserve it. You need someone to talk to (beyond your husband).
You also need a counselor - there are family counselors, marriage counselors - they are so helpful and will help you think clearly when your mind is flooding with emotion and you're questioning everything (how can you not, when what's been the center of how you define yourself gets turned upside down?). Get that support in place and then it's time to go to your doctor. The plain truth is that you need to get tested for STDs, in case those women he slept with were carrying anything. Your husband also needs to be tested. Again, I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. Love and hugs to you. PS - please let us know when you have set up an appointment with a counselor - I'll be thinking of you!

Do go to your friends, but not to your own family. I would talk to HIS parents, though, if you have a close relationship, as they are always going to love him, regardless of his cheating. Your family, however, will lose all respect for him and will not forgive him for hurting you.

Your friends--as much as they love you, they won't take it as hard as your family would. It doesn't matter what kind of a picture they have of your marriage--if they love you, they will be there for you and will help you in whatever way you need. They can support you by letting you talk, watching your kids while you go to counseling, or just allowing you to vent.

Go talk to a counselor, for you, and marriage counseling for both of you. You need someone safe to talk to.

And if your friends are true friends, they will not be "disappointed" because yor marriage is not perfect--they will instead want to help and support you through this.

i am sorry, why would she call after 5 years, did you ask her when the affair ended or how long it was? it seems odd that if she was J. a short affair that 5 years later she would call unless she had a kid with him or it lasted long. I'm sorry for your sadness and worries. My ex cheated for years and I didn't find out until we were together for 14 years. Its a shock to the system, it makes you question every moment in the past. It ruins past good memories because you queston if they were sincere, it creeps into your thoughts and prevents you from making new memories and moving on. I would go to counseling together and seperate if i was you. If you love eachother and he hasnt done anything since and you want to stay together work on it and get past it. I'm sorry wish i had awesome advice
also i had the marriage that people looked at as idealistic...tell your friends, living a lie isnt healthy..everyone has faults

Do you have a pastor you could talk to? Or maybe your doctor could recommend somebody. Hugs

What you are feeling is your to feel. Noone can take that away from you. You have every right to feel that way. This is not your fault. He made some bad choices and unfortunately you both have to deal with the fallout. You do this in your time, in your way.
Rush Creek Counseling center is a Christian based counseling organization that only charges $45 a session. They give real life, ehlpful advice and help you work through all these issues as a couple and independantly. Arlington may be too far of a drive, but if you call them, maybe they can reccomend someone closer to Dallas.

Was anything in particular going on 5 years ago? I married old so perhaps I'm more understanding of what your husband did. I really needed to get dating of my system and made some bad choices. I would think this is one your husband made but unfortunately you were already married. Please try counseling. People make mistakes and if it hasn't happened again, I'm sure you can work this out. And I'm sure your good friends will be supportive. I know if a good friend of mine told me something like this, I wouldn't cast any kind of judgement etc. You need to talk to SOMEONE. Go to a counselor yourself to start if that would speed up talking to someone. Hang in there.

The support of your best friends is like the support of no other.

It might also be a good idea to talk to a marriage counselor for therapy. Find out why he cheated and how to help him make sure he doesn't do it again. It will also help you learn to trust him again. It will help you work out all of these feelings that you're feeling, and it almost sounds as if you're not letting yourself be angry with him because he's remorseful and sorry and came to you on his own.

Except that he wouldn't have ever told you if one of the other two women hadn't tried blackmailing him.

Then you got confirmation of what he did when she called you. Doubly angry. And you're probably wondering if he lied about this, what else did he lie about? Not even cheating, but what else could he lie about? Have there been others that he hasn't admitted to because they didn't threaten him? You have to work all of this out in therapy too.

You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of nor embarrassed of. You didn't do anything wrong. It's okay to be angry, and I hope that you are. I hope you lit into him so hard your words set his hair on fire. I hope you made him get tested for STD's and got tested for them as well no matter how his came back. If you haven't gotten tested, either of you, then you need to do so ASAP and don't have sex with him again until you do.

Take control. You're holding all the cards now.

This is so hard and I am so sorry you are going through this. Everything you are feeling is 100% normal and expected. Actually, I think you are handling it very well and reasonably. Definitely seek out some counseling, for the two of you and for yourself, too. You need someone to talk to. If it's any consolation, this is not uncommon and does not mean that your husband does not love you very much. And you absolutely can come through this and into a better marriage, eventually, on the other end. I watched my parents do this. In a weird way, my dad's affair was a blessing. But your husband has to look at the whys and a counselor can help him do that, as well as be a safe advocate for you and the tough conversations the two of you need to have. Only you know the answer to this, but it may help to open up to your most trusted girlfriend(s). Letting others see that you are human and your marriage is not "perfect" can be freeing. It does not speak poorly of you that this happened. I think seeing you face this and work through it is more amazing than having a marriage with no bumps in the road. And opening up can lesson your feelings of isolation. Best of luck to you all.

Food for thought: "What is a happy marriage? A happy marriage isn't so much about marrying the right person. It's about doing the right things with the person you married. It's about: 1. Listening. All marriages have disagreements. In happy marriages, a spouse listens to his/her partner's problems and attempts to understand them fully. In unhappy marriages, spouses don't listen. They shut down, ignore and belittle. 2. Forgiveness. All spouses screw up. Happy spouses apologize and say, "I forgive you." Unhappy spouses refuse to own up to their faults and move on after an apology. 3. Assertiveness. All spouses are clueless from time to time. In happy marriages, spouses say what they want and need--and they say it in a language they can both understand. In unhappy marriages, spouses communicate through sarcasm, the silent treatment, passive-agressive sabotage and hinting. 4. Affection. Everyone craves adoration. In happy marriages, spouses compliment, thank, hug and laugh at one another's jokes. In unhappy marriages, couples place what's fair and "the principle of the matter" above making one another feel loved. Being happily married isn't a feeling. It's not a mystical quality. It's a decision. People who are happily married wake up every day and decide to do what it takes to stay happily married. -- by Alisa Bowman, author of "Project: Happily Ever After" and the creator of projecthappilyeverafter.com."

S., you have a choice, you cannot change other people, you can only change yourself. We all go through stages of not "liking" our partner, coworker, family member, job, children, etc., but, we have to assess and determine the best course of action for us, our own personal thought processes. It is not what people do that messes up our lives, it's how we choose to let it affect us. If you have chosen to stay because you love your husband, then make the decision to change yourself to TRULY forgive and move on, to be happy, to love freely as you once did. Carrying around "hurt" is a big job that takes too much energy. Waiting for the other shoe to drop is just as big a job, takes too much energy. Let it go, accept that no one is perfect, and remember, someday you may need to ask for forgiveness yourself...being capable of forgiving grants you the right to ask for forgiveness in return when your turn rolls around.

Believe it or not the sex is the least of your worries. My ex cheated on my the first year we were married, I found out when our son was three months old. I stuck it out, it happened again and again.

The hard part is the lack of trust. Every time his behavior deviates from the norm you wonder. Sometimes I was right, sometimes not.

Maybe that wouldn't have been so bad if he only did it once, I don't know. If I remember correctly, and it has been 20 years, it was after the second time that I doubted him. I guess because everything he said to forgive him once was clearly a lie so why believe him?

Tread lightly with teens, they can spot when dad is cheating. That was the last time my ex cheated before my divorce. My son who was 16 asked are you really going to put up with this. At that point I could have lost my kids respect, so not worth it.

Do NOT tell your friends. Not because of your image, but because you still have to protect yourself and your marriage and your husband at this vulnerable time. Once you get it together, then you can tell them whatever you want about how you worked to strengthen your marriage. While you are going through it is not the time to test your friendships with this information.

Yes, please, get some counseling for yourself. You need a safe place to vent and feel validated without having to worry about "fighting fair" or saying something that you can't take back. When you're ready, couples counseling is a must, too.

You need to be able to go to your friends. Even if they think you have it all together. Don't put on a front. Let them be there for you! Sounds like you need to go to marrage counciling! That is the only way you are going to be able to get any trust back is if you can work though things with a professional.

Good luck and God Bless!!

Been there.... I didn't go to counseling. It seems you are looking at the big picture which is good. I found my equilibrium again and moved on. If you would like to talk, feel free to contact me. I work in Richardson if you would like to have lunch sometime, let me know.

He obviously loves you and wants to work this out. It sounds like you love him as well. You just don't like him right now. The opposite of love really isn't hate--it's indifference. And you're not feeling that, right? People HAVE gotten past things like this. It CAN work. Your marriage might become better--stronger.
I think you've gotten wise advice to seek counseling with a professional to get through this. As for your friends, if you're really close, you can share this. Maybe not right now. It might be easier to work through some things now by yourselves WITH a counselor.
All the best!

Hi S.,

You've gotten some wonderful advice already. I just need to say, get a support system - tell your friends, find a counselor, call your family, something. Start by reaching out to one person you can trust and go from there. You need outside help or you will lose yourself in your struggles. My heart goes out to you.

You are a perfect example of needing a counselor. The reason for a counselor is to get a sounding board for you when you can't or won't burden your friends with issues you have.

You need to work through this, and as he wants to stay with you, you M. want him to come too.

Lifting you in prayer. You are not alone.

Have you looked backed 5 yrs ago what went wrong what happened why did this all come about in your husband cheating?I would want those answers first then move forward.If you ignore it do you think it will all go away?Maybe it's not the best time with the Holidays but ask him to leave the home for awhile just take care of you & your teens get the help that you need if you do persue counseling & then ask him at a later time to join you if you plan on keeping the marriage & regaing the love & trust you once had with him.Good Luck in whatever you decide to do

I think what you are feeling is perfectly normal and to be expected. A huge part of your life that you trusted and (in many ways) took for granted would always be the same you find out isn't.

I think you need to allow yourself your feelings. Distance yourself from your husband emotionally and (to some degree) physically for a time. It's going to take a while to regain that trust. And it sounds like he's willing to do whatever it takes to earn that trust back.

I think you need to talk about this with SOMEONE. I found out at one point in my youth that my dad cheated on my mom and she worked through it. You might be surprised at your mom's response (unless you think she'd tell everyone...). Otherwise find an objective counselor to discuss your feelings with and help you work through it.

Been there forgave, and have a great 30 year marriage, 5 years ago, thats the past, when my husband confessed he was in tears. I forgave him on the spot, no one goes through this lifem without making a few mistakes along the way. I never worried about my husband making the same mistake again. If you husband doesn't feel trusted you may be setting him up for failure. The woman calling you shows a lack of maturity, self respect, and respect for you, forget her you have the man, and your kids have their father, what you say and do will determin if it stays that way. Love him forgive him, someone suggested you will need professional help, I didn't if you have the maturity to forgive and forget you'll be fine, and years down the road you will be so happy you kept your family in tact. J.

Please talk to someone! Lake ARlington Baptist Church has a counseling center called IMPACT. Call them at ###-###-#### and make an appt w/ one of the wonderful counselors. They will help you through this...

Take Care!

Denton Bible church has a Reconsiliation Ministry for couples going through these difficult issues. They are well trained in Biblical counselling and will work with you one-on-one (no embarrassing group sessions) to help you work through the problems and restore your marriage. There is no cost for this counselling. I know many of the counsellors personally and they are some of the kindest and wise people I know. You can call the church directly for contact information. www.DentonBible.org

I am so sorry you are going through this devestating crisis. I'm praying for your peace and the restoration of your home and marriage. Bless you for having the courage to reach out for help.

I don't know what I would do if my husband confessed to this. I think I would try to make it work out for my kids' sake, if I could forgive him. I don't know how long you have been trying to "make it work." I definitely don't think you should keep it to yourself if you need to talk about it with him and others. You will feel better when it is out there. If talking happens and time passes and you still can't fully forgive and "be" with him, maybe separating is your best bet? I wouldn't worry about what others' think or how your teens will be affected. I would worry more about yourself and your sanity. If you don't want to be part of the relationship, you shouldn't be. If your teenagers know that you tried to make it work, but that you feel no trust anymore, I think they will understand. It doesn't mean that you don't care about and love their father and them. And who cares if your family judges him for his affair? Don't you? He made the choice to cheat, you didn't. You only have to decide how you will react. Good luck sweetie.

You've gotten a lot of great responses so far. I'm going to also suggest the counseling and the telling your friends. I know its embarrassing but I think you'll find a wealth of social support from your friends that you need if you're going to get through this. If they're your true friends, they won't judge - they'll be more concerned. Tell him how you feel and don't rush yourself into forgiving him, it's going to take time. And I know some people will say once a cheater, always a cheater but we don't know your husband so we can't say if he's going to do this again or not - that's a discussion that you and he have to have with each other and work through together with the help of a professional. Good luck,

I can't offer you much advice. But I commend you for sticking in there and being strong and trying to work it out. Sometimes getting advice from us strangers is the best way. I find it quite therapeutic actually! LOL I will say a prayer for you. Maybe you can go to your local church and get counseling there??? I think some sort of counseling would be good so you can have an outlet. Lots of luck to you. Remember you are a stong and intelligent woman and the M.'s of Mamapedia are lucky to have you.

I was in your situation 5 yrs ago. I never told anyone and kept it between us, and did counseling etc. Well now, I'm in the middle of a divorce. I caught him again cheating. 1st time forgiveable, 2nd time, he gets the boot. I pray your husband isn't the once a cheater always a cheater type like mine.

S. I am so sorry you are going through this right now. You have every right to be angry, sad, mad, disappointed and whatever else comes up.
If your friends are true friends then you should be able to go to them with this. If they are just casual friends that you think you must uphold an image too, they are not true friends. I real girlfriend will be there holding you and telling you she will be there with you through this thing.
Everyone handles things differntly. Professional counseling, church counseling. Whatever you feel will help you is what you should do. If you think you can get through it without counseling, so be it too! It's up to you.
Everyone has peaks and valleys, right now you are in the valley. How you act in the valley will determine how your next peak will be. Continue to be a good person, continue to keep the values that you have always had in your family.
Your children will take your cue on how to act from this too. If you are torn up and distraught, they will be too. If you are strong and determined to get through this as a family, they will be behind you too. Be careful what information you tell them. He is still their father and sordid details are not important.
Bless your heart! I will pray for you to come out of this valley a better person.
Hugs!!
D.

Tell your girlfriends. You did have the perfect marriage. Until you didn't. Hiding it is not healthy. They will have support for you that you really need. Tell your family. They will instinctually protect him as far as not fighting him or devaluing him to the kids, so you don't have to worry. They will just share the burden with you. That is an imperative stepping stone because your life is now going to radically change. Trying to protect an image serves no purpose. Dont' be "embarrassed" that he's not the great husband everyone thought he was. Tell his family too. No one can support you properly until they know what's happening, and you'll be amazed how much it helps. You may stay with him or you may leave him, but either way, you're the hero if people know the truth. Whereas if you leave or the marriage plummets, and no one knows what he did, it only makes you look bad, and adds tons of internal pressure on yourself, as unfair as that is.

He cheated TWICE. He only told you because he was going to be found out. This is reason not to trust him, so don't feel bad for not trusting him. All of your feelings now are normal. You're still in shock, so you can't decide all of this right away, just start to gather support.

Honestly, unless you get a FANTASTIC counselor, it can really add insult to injury right now to sit and listen about how all his needs weren't being met etc. Lots of marriage counselors SUCK at marriage counseling. So get really great recommendations from people (another good reason to gather support and tell some good friends). If you are planning to stay as your goal, do find a good counselor, and if one says anything freaking stupid and charges you a butt load to listen, walk away and get a different one.

You sound like an amazing wife who wants to do the right thing, right down to protecting him from people finding out. Get ready to do battle on his level. You didn't do anything wrong. Don't make this harder on yourself. He was supposed to be your protector, but now you have to find allies in people you can really trust. You will need them. Your friends and family are where you start.

****I also STRONGLY recommend a separation. As long as everything stays "status quo" for him, he will NOT reflect properly. Also, you shouldnt' be forcing yourself to have sex with him while you feel this way. You may feel OK later. But take a break. He'll want to brush this whole thing under the rug if nothing changes, and he will start to resent you as you battle with this sadness. Kick him out. Regain yourself, absorb your shock. Your kids will be OK. Just a suggestion if you feel like it, obvioulsy don't do anything you don't want to do. Take care of yourself FIRST!

So sorry you are going through this. I don't know what I'd do if I found out my husband had cheated on me. I guess what bothers me about this is that he never confessed until he was about to be caught. So, there was a good chance you'd never find out, he would have kept it from you forever. And secondly, you said he cheated with TWO women, not just one. One could almost be overlooked/forgiven as a mistake, but TWO, idk. Personally, I am the type of person that could never overlook even one, so I'm probably not the best person to give advice. I would have a huge trust issue that I could never get over.

I really just wanted to say that I hope you find peace in whatever you decide. Either way, a counselor would be a great thing for you. You need to talk with someone. You can't let it ruin your life. This was his mistake, not yours. You couldn't have done anything to cause this, so please don't shoulder all of the responsibility on it. He needs to feel the pain of this and I hope that he is showing significant remorse. And not just the remorse of getting caught, but remorse for the actions.

I sure wouldn't be making love with someone that cheated on me. I think I would be totally turned off. I just don't think I could do it.

Good luck, this will get better with time.

Get cousneling and get it sooner rather than later. It is possible to rebuild trust and if you two and overcome this your marriage can be really awesome. But it is NOT easy. You both need to get to counseling - probably together and then you separately. If he turned this woman down it would seem that he's past whatever it was he was going through. My husband was an absolute pr*ck for a number of years while the kids were younger. He was being a baby becuase he wanted everything to be the same as it was before the kids were born. In other words he wanted the same sex, same attention from me and didn't want to increase the amount of time and effort around the house and with the kids. He only wanted to deal with the fun & pleasant stuff. We nearly divorced more than once. After the death of his father and a serious auto accident he's realized who and what is precious. he's really grown up and matured - in his late 40s!!!! Finally!
I suspect your husband was doing the same stuff - wishing his life was different - but the same. WE all want it all - some are jsut too immature to realize they might already have it all and that along with the good stuff comes responsibility.
Give yourself time to regroup. do not worry about what other people might be thinking about your different demeanor. If asked you can say that you have a very ill family member right now and although you expect everything to be find evetually it's tough emotionally right now. And that's not a lie - you're emotionally ill and you're going through a healing period.
Assuming your husband is truly committed to your marriage this will pass and youru marriage will be better as a result. But don't be impatient. You're mourning the loss of what you thought you had. It's a real loss that requires realy greiving. go through it and work towards your future.

Good luck hon - this life is just not easy is it?

You should think about going to talk to someone it will help you figure out what you want to do. If you see your GYN regularly chances are you don't have any STD's and they honestly can't check for every disease. My ex cheated on me when I was pregnant and when I found out I went and said check me for everything he chuckled and said I can't check for everything unless you have symptoms so he just checked the basic's and said to keep an eye out for symptoms thank God I didn't have anything. Don't hold things in side it will make you explode at some point. Go to individual and couples counceling and he should see someone alone too (all different) so history doesn't repeat itself. Hugs to you and I will keep you in my prayers.

Praying for you that God gives you the strength and direction you need for yourself and your family...