Should I Allow My Husband to Come Home After Have a Long Affair?
June 30, 2013
Hi ladies ~ I appreciate your advice ahead of time!
My husband has been in a 2 1/2 year affair, we finally seperated about 6 months ago when he began just blatently staying with her on weekends after I knew about this. At first I thought we'd be able to work it out because he seemed confussed and still loved me but wanted to take a different path. (See "mid-life" crisis in the dictionary and there's his picture!) He and I had an increadable love affair and were married over 8 beautiful years before he suddenly dropped the bomb one night over dinner. He asked for a divorce and then, later, I found that there was another woman involved who divorced her husband for mine! He, to this day, says she has nothing to do with him wanting a divorce even though he met her just two weeks prior to his insensitive request! All our friends and family have been shocked by this. Our marriage was very good and very compatable and very full of passion for one another. I KNOW I was not living a lie.
However, this entire time he has gone back and forth claiming that he did the wrong thing and got caught up in it, and that he should have just left her as a friend because he's still in love with me and misses me and our 10 year old daughter.
My question is...should I take him back?
I know, in the end I will follow my heart and I am extremely concerned for my daughter who is very sad that her daddy left. (She does not know about "the other woman.") It has been the toughest road ever. I love him but I am furious about this and unsure of him, and do not want this to happen again. I know I can get passed it in time and with work, but do I really want to? The main reason to concider having him back is for our daughter. Have any of you gone through this before and had him come back? If so, what happened? Have any of you gone through this and refused him a return?
Love ya ladies!
I cannot believe all the increadable responses I have recieved on this site. How wonderful of you all. It's amazing! I have had 79 responses to my original letter and have made many new friends. Thank you! It warms my heart to see how many Christian's are out there and ready to help with prayers and blessings. It strengthens my faith - especially at a time when the minority is pulling prayers out of schools, away from our children and our teachers who need it, and off of our money and our courts and everything sacred. It is so sad to see that so few can make such a tremendous impact. So I think we should all stand strong and show them that we will NOT foresake our God for anything or anyone! If this offends anyone, then I am sorry ~ but you can choose not to read it, just like I choose not to watch most of the crap and horror that is carelessly shown on our t.v's! It's called freedom ~ change the channel and God bless us all!
NO..I was married for 23 years when the same thing happened to me. You will never trust him and chances are the same thing will happen again. I was so devastated when my husband asked for a divorce, but once time passed and I got myself back together, I am so much better off emotionally and financially. It is very hard on the kids, but they too will mend. Statistically, cheaters don't change.
Even though it would be very hard for me (impossible, actually) to take my husband back after that, I know that the right thing to do would be to work on the marriage and make things right and stick together. You absolutely can NOT do that without having God as part of the marriage. God is the only one who can repair this. It is not something you 2 can do on your own. Only he knows if he is sincere on wanting to get back together and never cheating again. You can give him that chance, but I would definitely not stick around if he did it again.
I can speak from experience that reconciliation is possible and that God can restore the time the locust have destroyed. That being said, it takes a LOT of work on the part of both spouses. For you, forgiveness will be a painful process but it is possible!!! There are consequences for his sin and they are far reaching. If your faith is strong and you have trusted Christ as Savior, He will guide you in the right decisions for your family. Gods power is made perfect in our weakness and He wants nothing more than for us to rely on HIM 100%.
Personally I would have a contract for him to sign as far as the things that you need to see happen before he moves back in and I would encourage you both to consider what a reconciled marriage would look like so you both are on the same page (details are good). There are lots of good therapists out there who can assist with the process. God bless you and be with you during this difficult time.
You have to decide what you can live with and what you are willing to work through. I know that all things are possible with GOD in control. God can forgive and restore anyone if they want to change. Be encouraged and find strength and peace in God's word. Phillipians 4:4-8
First of all I am very sorry for what you are going through. My husband after 14 years of marriage told me that he had been having an affair for the past year with a girl he worked with. I was like you totally shocked. We had our issues, but nothing to this extreme. He first made excuses on maybe it was better to end the marriage. The hard part also was that we have three children together, 10 boy, 6 girl and a 1 boy. He was born while the affair was going on. Our son was a suprise and I have horrible pregnancey's. I have diabetes and they require lots of medical intervention. It was a stressful time. Anyway, we are three months into our recovery. We have been in counseling recommened by our pastor. Our counselor is a God sent. She has been a vital source to our staying together. I feel your pain for you. I am here telling you, you can work this out. It does take lots of prayer, hard work and time. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I know my marriage was saved and it is on the road to being even better than ever before. God's blessing to you!
You mentioned that God is always with you so I will start there. No one can tell you what to do. You will have to pray heavily for His guidance. I am assuming that you and possibly your husband are believers. In Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior, not just a God out there somewhere. This needs to be your first step before a marriage can truly survive. Goodness, my husband and I have been married for almost 17 years and it's never been "easy". Marriage is work. We are currently going through a book with a group of people (there are facilitators) and I would highly recommend it. It seems like we are finally getting to the true root of our issues. It's based off the book by Ken Nair, "Discovering the Heart of a Woman". You can check out the website www.lifepartners.org to get more info on it.
Basically, unless your husband is willing to do WHATEVER he needs to for you all to have a healthy relationship, you will probably find yourself in this boat again later on. His heart needs to be truly repentant and willing to go to counseling (by a christian counselor) and whatever else you ask him to do.
There will be people telling you to "blankety-blank that blankety-blank" so be careful. Do what God is calling you to do. If your husband refuses to go to counseling, you should at least go by yourself. Seek guidance from your pastor or another mentor in the church.
I will be praying for you. This won't be an easy road, no matter which path you choose to go down. Hang in there. Jesus does love and care for you very much. His heart is just as broken over your husbands choices as yours is.
So sorry that you are having to go through this. You should definitely follow your heart. If you want to try and forgive your husband and work things out then he needs to have his own place while the two of you go through counseling. If you allow him to immediately move back in then it could actually be worse for your daughter than it already is. Marriage counseling is a definite though if you are considering taking him back. He has to earn your trust back don't just give it to him. I am recently married after a previously bad relationship and our pastor required premarital counseling and he said a few things that really stuck. One he looked straight at my husband and told him that God gives him the job of leading the family but he had to earn my trust and continue to show me that he could do the job. He also said that God mentions many times that marriage is based on commitment not love because you can fall in and out of love but if you are committed then you can work through it and God will grant the gift of love. It seems to me that your husband forgot that and needs to be reminded. HIs family was a gift that he didn't appreciate and should have to earn it back. A Christian formatted couseling is a must if you plan on taking him back especially in hopes of it not happening again.
I got tears this morning becuase i felt like it was happening to me AGAIN... No one can say they know how you feel unless it has happened to them. If you ever need to talk,,, you can email me. I would love to share my story... As for my opionion on you taking him back. If it is the first time... maybe... But i stayed for several and as much as i loved him he never changed. Once i stayed he just did it again and again. weirdly enough i do feel like he loved me and still does. But i finally left and married again after 13 years. He and I are still friends and he continues to treat others the same way. I will always love him and so will you, but you have to love yourself too. Your children need you and when your being cheated on your NOT there for your kids. I dont think they think about that. I am so sorry and hurt for you..... hope everything works out. L. ____@____.com
There's nothing hard and fast to tell you except that you do need counseling, whether you do it together or you have to seek it alone.
I'm a firm believer that people do what they want to do and that it really is simple. We complicate it with emotions and what-ifs and what we hope the potential is. I don't mean to sound harsh, but your marriage was not as solid as you thought it was before he met this woman. Maybe he wasn't gonna leave, but he wasn't happy. This woman has probably opened him up to the possibility of something different, new motivation. Sometimes they think it's easier to leave and start over with someone else than to make changes where they are. Chances are that he saw that you were fine with things the way they were, and he didn't want to upset the apple cart by changing your relationship. If you're honest with yourself, you might see where he maybe did some passive-aggressive things to get your attention, things that you maybe blew off because you thought that he was just being silly or that it was his problem that he needed to get over. I guess my point is that rarely does someone get blind-sided with this news. We don't always realize that it's at this point, but we know that something isn't right. It's a shame that a more relevant conversation can't be had before the "D" word comes up.
If you want your husband back, you need to realize the part that you might have played. There's no excuse for breaking your trust, but this is what it took to get your attention. If you want to have a marriage with him, you'll need to commit yourself to having your eyes and ears open. Honest communication isn't just speaking honestly, it's also listening honestly. Also, be honest with yourself. If you go into it thinking that you're in it for your daughter, then you'll keep getting what you've got. Is your daughter really better off with things like that? (Hindsight should be 20/20. What do you see?)
Now, that said, he's gonna have to make some decisions, too. He'll certainly need to stop seeing her, period. It's a deal-breaker if he refuses. Let your therapist help you set up an accountability system, something reasonable. In this state, you'll either be too controlling or leave too much of it to him. You need a third party involved. The therapist will help you to set terms for him to regain your trust. At some point, though, you'll also need to regain his. There was a breakdown in there, and he stopped being as open with you, coming to you with his interests. Your relationship is growing, and each of you responded to it differently, neither healthy. You're not the same people who got married eight years ago. It's time for you to get to know each other again and see if you're up to living together. Keep in mind that you only control your behavior, so the best way to work on your marriage is to work on yourself.
I hope that this works out with each of you feeling healthy and whole, whether together or not. I hope that your daughter is already in therapy.
I have been married for 9 years, I can say that I have not been in your shoes.But, my heart goes out to you. I'm not going to say "if I were you, I would....." Because, I believe that I don't know what I would do. As a woman I can say this, follow your intuition. He left you and his child for another woman. So often as women and mothers, we think of others and our children first. But, this time sweety you've got to think of yourself. If you want to think about your child, think of the message that you would send to her, about this situation if she were old enough to know what was going on. Many times when children are involved we say, "well, I"ll do this for the kids." Problem is the kids are ok, it is you that becomes the wreck waiting to happen. Ask yourself, "why is it that he wants to come home now?!" I think the answer is that she wasn't what he thought she would be. My mom always told us...."the grass is always greener on the other side, so you do what you have to get it.....then you find out that the grass is really turf!" He found out that he had real grass at home! She was not what he really thought she was and now he's sorry for it. He may really and honestly regret what he did. BUT, the question is, can you now live with him and what he did. Will you be able to trust him when he says "I'm going to the store, I'm going to the game, I'm going to hang with my buddies?" Can you trust him? I see that you believe in God, YES God is a forgiving God and he also forgets the things that we've done. And as a Christian it's our duty to forgive, but you know we don't forget! We should, but we don't! Can you do that? Can you say, "Ok, you did this and now you regret it, let's pick up and move on." If you're not confident in the answer, then don't move forward until you can!
I would say no, don't take him back! Why did he have an affair in the first place! If he did it once he might do it again, and will you live being insecure the rest of your life? I think, you can do great things and help your daughter through life without having her father in the same house! If you take him back and it happens again, you will be going through the same pain again and again! He must face reality and feel the consequences for his actions!
It might seem harch to you, but I went through something like that! If you are interested email me: ____@____.com
I've seen this through my sister's eyes. My sister and her husband just got the big D. My brother in law was caught cheating a couple of times and my sister always took him back. My sister finally got a head on her shoulders and thought of someone else other than her self--her 10 year old daughter---yes he is the bio father. She use to always use the excuse of not wanting her daughter to grow up with out her dad but this last time she her daughter asked when daddy was coming home my sister told her he's not and they got in a long talk and my neice said in more words it's about time.... Even though my neice was sad she was happy because there wasnt going to be any more drama in her life having to listen to all the fighting and the name calling. The divorce was final this month and they have moved on, my sister bought a house and my sister and neice are building their lives back. My sister seems much happier knowing he's not going to hurt her any more with the lies. my brother in law has told her he wanted her back but she is sticking to her guns and told him that if her can live for 5 years with out anyone in his life (meaning no women) she will remarry him. Through out the ten years I can count like 5 other women he cheated on her with including one that had her same name. I dont believe he will ever change.
So as for your situation I believe if you can really find it in your heart to forget it then it my be able to work but if not I think you should move on. A relationship that only one or one and half is working on will not survive. I know it's a hard thing your having to deal with but think of it as this------you have given him a chance after you found out about the other woman and he chose to keep that relationship going---that shows no respect for you. If he is still seeing the other woman to this day I would just walk away from the relationship or put it on the line and tell him that he needs to choose who he wants to be with. Your little girl should not be in the middle of this so just leave it to the realtionship parts.
I really do wish you the best for you and your family.
The only advice i have to give you is if you decide to take him back, make his coming home is conditional. Lay out your expectations. Tell him he can come back if he submits to individual and marriage counseling. Have him agree to the things you expect from him to make you feel secure in the long road of rebuilding the trust between you two. If he's not willing to do these things then tell him you will be ready to take him back when he is serious about making things work. It's so important that a change is made...otherwise you will fall back into your old routine and he may feel tempted to cheat again. The two of you together need to get to the root of why he turned to another woman in the first place... what is it about his life or himself that he is dealing with, running from, or avoiding? Just my opinion... in the end it's what you decide. You get to make the rules of him coming home after that, the balls in his court. make him show you he wants to make it work... what he says is great but, it's what he does that is really going to count. Blessings to you in whatever you decide.
D., you and I are close in age (I am 46)so I believe I can relate to you in a personal way. I used to think "once a cheater always a cheater" but that is not necessarily so. That may be true unless the offender turns their life completely over to The Lord. If Jesus isn't Lord of all then He isn't Lord at all. He HAS to be Lord over your marriage relationship. I can tell you from experience that there is hope for your marriage. Although there are specific circumstances in scripture that allow for divorce, God clearly hates it, (Malachi 2:16). With God all things are possible so if your husband is truly repentant and will agree to Christian counseling you should give him the chance to make things right. It won't be easy but if you look to the Lord for comfort, wisdom, guidance and most of all His will you will experience a strength to endure that you never imagined. If your marriage can successfully survive this it can survive anything! There is so much more I would like to say to you so feel free to email me if you want and I will be happy to talk with you personally. It always helps to have a voice of empathy. I would also like to recommend a book called "His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard F. Harley, Jr. It can give you both great insight regarding your relationship and how you relate to each other. I would like to share a couple of scriptures that practically held me together, Philippians 3:13 and Ezekiel 36:11. One last thing, I was glad to hear that your daughter doesn't know about the affair, there is no reason for her to know. I will pray for you too. God bless you girl!
My advise to you is that there are many sexually transmitted diseases out there. If you are considering having sex with him you should insist that he be checked and produce the results in writing to you. You have every right in the world to ask for this after his affairs. Also remember that if he cheated once he will cheat again but having to produce test results may make him think twice. Good luck.
I have been married to a cheating husband and got out!! It was the best thing that ever happened to me because now I have a husband that I can trust 100%. I have always been told once a cheater always a cheater and I strongly believe that it is true!! I myself could never put my heart out there for him to stomp on again. This is something that you should really pray about. Please DO NOT go back to him for your childs sake. It only will make things worse. God Bless you!!
I would say the both of you should go to counseling and maybe a marriage retreat sponsored by the church and let him in little by little and with certain conditions. Let him know that he will have to win your heart again. If at any time during this process you're not confident in his committment you need to be honest with yourself and quit. Don't do anything for your daughter's sake. You would not want her to live with a cheating husband, and when she grows up she will understand. It's important that if the both of you go to counseling that it is a private, intimate thing, don't share the details with the family. Not everyone is going to agree you decision (what ever it will be)and you do not need the added pressure of other's opinions. You will know from the conseling sessions and the retreat if he is sincere about repairing and respecting your marriage. Good luck!
I know this sounds selfish and cruel but leave your daughter out of the equation for taking him back...you need to decide if taking him back will make you and him happy in the long run. Not if it will make your daughter happy. If your husband and you are unhappy then your daughter will suffer in the long run. The biggest mistake people make is "staying together for the kids" it makes for an unhealthy situation and your children do not learn by example what a healthy relationship shoud be.
So go to couples therapy figure out if being together will make you two happy as individuals and as a couple so that your daughter will see a happy, healthy realationship between her parents. If not divroce and find happiness seperately and help her to find a way through the pain of that to see that mommy and daddy will be better parents to her because they are happier people seperatley than they were together.
Either way you are in a difficult situation and my heart goes out to you. Good Luck! ;-)
i'm a little confused, he has been in a 2 1/2 yr affair, but he told you he wanted a divorce after meeting her 2 weeks. did you stay together 2 1/2 yrs after he asked for divorce or was there another affair? all that aside, you never stay for the children! kids know an unhappy home when they are living in one! it is better for the child to have 2 separate happy homes than one unhappy home with both parents. You owe your children every happiness that you can give them, but sacrificing your own will not bring them happiness.
as far as this other woman, I don't think that a happily married man asks for a divorce after only two weeks with someone new. either he was very unhappy for a long time like he says or he met her a lot longer ago! and she is a fool to have left and divorced her husband for a married man! I believe that sometimes a man or a woman makes a mistake but it is always short term if it was a mistake and those should maybe be forgiven if they only happen once. when someone has a 2 1/2 yr. affair it wasn't just a mistake it was a careless , selfish and hurtful affair that didn't turn out better than the marriage in the long run , so now let's call it a mistake that he is sorry for? My advice to you is that you probably need to move on with your life. ordinarily I am for working things out and not giving up on a marriage, but 2 1/2 yrs is a very long mistake to forgive! what makes you think that it is really over with her or that he won't find some seemingly greener grass a year from now? the fact that you really thought that you both were happy and passionate, has to make you wonder ...are you that blind? or is he that good of a liar/actor? I would be very hesitant, no I would not hesitate, I just would not take him back. this is my honest feelings. I wish you all the best and hope that you make the right decision for you. Oh let me add, that my first husband and I went through a separation for this very reason (only I was the cheater), after 6 mths we decided to try it again, we were very happy for a year or two, and then it really hit the fan...we both openly went out on the marriage (we had given up, no respect, no love etc.) we ended up divorced. I was single for 10 yrs before I remarried, I would never cheat again, I would leave before I would cheat, but that is me. You live and learn, life is a lesson. Again, my best to you!
If you are a God fearing woman and believe in what the Gospel teaches, you know what the wifes responsibilites are and what you need to do. I went through a similar situation about a yr ago and sometimes we have to swollow our pride and do what God's will has set in place for us not ours. You already know the answer. God has already put it in your heart. You are just looking to be talked out of it. I will pray for wisdom, strength and understanding for you.
Where should I start. I have been in the some what of the same spot you have been in. My husband had an affair it was for 4 years. No, I didn't know about it till the very end and he was actually deployed to Iraq when he told me everything. I knew that he had became friends with this girl I went to high school with she was a lot younger then me. I didn't find out all the details and how long the affair was till he was deployed to Iraq and told me everything. So yes I had my chance to walk away and never look back. Trust me I thought about doing that a lot. We however at the time been married for 8 1/2 years and have four little boys. Mean while we are working it out. This Nov. we will be married 10 years. It's not easy getting over the hurt of what he did. He's earning back the trust that he destoryed. He knows that he destoryed it and he's the only one that can show me that I need to trust him again. By all means it has not been a easy road, but I do love him. I know he loves me. If you ever want some one to talk to you can send me a message.
Your in my prayers and if this is what you want it will work out. I am a true believer in that. I just put in God's hands and let me lead me through it. Since all of this my husband was just in the national gaurd. We decided to go active duty to start over and a fresh start away from all our old friends. Yes, that means we had to leave our family behind, but sometimes you have to do that though.
Hi D.. I just want to say that noone can make up your mind for you. This is something that you will have to do yourself. I have been involved in and witnessed cheating relationships. Most of them never changed, they still continued to cheat. One did change and has made a world of difference. If you do take him back it is going to be very difficult. Take some alone time don't think about what he has told you, think about how YOU feel and don't use your daughter as an excuse to take him back. I do agree with seeking help. I don't know what area you are in, but River Point Church in Richmond, TX is AWESOME. I hope that this helps. ****HUGS***
I am so sorry this has happened to you and your faimly. I was married for 15 years to my college sweetheart before I found out about his affair. At the time our children were 10, 6 and 4. We tried the counseloring but he refused to take it seriously.
He never thought I would divorce him but I had to for my sanity. Like you I worried about my children but I learned that children know when someone is treating someone badly. If it goes on they lose all respect for them. Your children need you! Do what is in your heart.
D., so sorry for your pain. Please call 1-800-NEW-LIFE they have the most awesome christian counselors, if not for you and your husband, definitely for you! (check out their website too, www.newlife.com They also have a radio show also, and lots of books on this subject, one of which is "Every Man's Battle" My prayers go out to you!
D., I let my husband come back after a month long affair and I am still not over it, probably never will be and I don't and won't ever trust him again, in fact we'd be divorced now if I didn't need his financial help due to health problems( and sometimes I wonder if its worth even that). You have to follow your heart but don't do it for your daughter, she'll appreciate it now but someday she will find out,only God knows how but they do, and then she is going to wonder if that is the way women are suppose to be treated by men, which could influence her future relationships. My husband is not my kids' dad but let me tell you this, they have very hostile feelings towards him and have lost some respect for me. Good luck and God be with you, He's really the only one who can help you make this decision.
I have not experience in this area what so ever, however I might suggest on your end putting a lot of space between you and your husband! I know this might seem strange, however whenever I am going through a particularly difficult time with someone or an issue, I like to give whatever is bothering me a lot of space! You certainly have every right to be angry, and hurt by the recent events!
I would also encourage you to pray, I don't know how spriitual you are, but I find praying and just talking it out really helps me out! Allow your daughter who is also hurting to see her father, let the issue lie between you and your husband! The less involved your children are in this, the better! IF you are able( this is tough one to ask), stay as calm and relaxed as you can, try getting through each moment one breath at a time!
No!!!!!!!!!he done it once he'll do it again!!!!!!!i went through it ..took him back and two months later he was back with her ..he had been seeing her secretly for two years....
Your daughter will be ok!!!
I would say no. You will never be able to trust him. Of course you love him and want him back for your daughters sake but, don't you think you are worthy enough to have someone be faithful to you? If he is going to do that to you, that just proves how much he doesn't love you or respect you. Do you think he would take you back? Probably not.
About 35 years ago I would have sworn this was very near to my own story. I married a boy, yes a boy who thought he was a man, who I thought was a man. A year later we had a precious son. Little did I know that he was trying to "do" everyone in the county.... He also came home asking for a divorce--the woman was a friend of mine. I took everything because he wanted to get rid of me easily. some weeks later the flowers started arriving. His new found freedom was beginning to be miserable as he had moved in with his parents. Flowers arrived daily. Yes, for the sake of my son and me I thought giving him another chance would be the best thing. I figure everyone deserves a 2nd chance. He regained our home and everything else... less than a week he was with his ole buddies back to his old antics.
They don't change.... not even for the pain and confusion they cause they cause their innocent children. We were divorced, this time I left him with only a few personal things, $ from the bank and MY CHILD--sadly the man didn't lift a finger to see.
Since then he has been married 2 other times. numerous relatinships.. For me I stayed single and found out who I really was and what I really wanted for myself. God was back in my life. For the past 27+ years I have been married to the most wonderful man in the world. He is my best friend. He raised my son, and our daughters. He is the half that makes my life whole. You will find it too. But your husband probably won't change--they usually don't or won't.
Just because we allow society to persuade us, don't allow it to dictate your life. Do what is good for you to live life to its fullest. Your children will see you happy they will be happy too. Life isn't perfect, we just have to do the best we can each day.
Please know you can do it... and besides there are still "a few good men" out there in the world. Godd luck
D. I know this is the hardest decision you will ever make but i truly believe that if you want to have a happy life and be able to truly teacher your daughter self respect and self esteem you need to leave your husband. You will always have doubts and never have trust again. your daughter may not know about it now but may in the future and she is going to want to know that her mom is a strong woman - she needs you to be her role model. I know it will be hard but think about how you will feel in 2years if you are still with him and wondering what he is doing everytime he walks out the door.
D., my heart is breaking for you. On the one hand, I know what a blessing a family can be, but in this case I don't know if it will be a blessing or a curse. I kind of tend to think that you should divorce him. Not out of spite or anger, but out of self-respect. He obviously didn't respect you the way you deserve to be respected. I am not sure now that his "relationship" has ended, that you should be there to pick up his pieces...who was there to pick up yours?
Did she dump him? I find it hard to believe that after two and a half years, he finally "realized what he had lost" and decided to come back. Did he get kicked out and needs someplace to stay. Sounds to me like he is a passionate man, but passionate about whomever...
I think your daughter will be fine if you two get divorced. I think in the end, if she sees you as a woman who is strong and able to take care of her and of yourself, she too will become a strong and independent woman. Later, I believe that she should be told about her father's antics and know that you didn't put up with it and neither should she in her relationships. What would be your advice to her if her husband did the same to her? Anyway, I know that you see the situation as one where you can have everything you want back again, but how long will it take him to do it again. I am sorry for the loss of your true love, so take some time to grieve. If he truly loves you and only you, he will continue to pursue you after the divorce. YOU ARE A WOMAN OF GOD AND DON'T LET ANYONE EVER TREAT YOU LESS THAN YOU DESERVE! Love and blessings to you and your daughter!
I've been thru it and ended up marrying him after putting up with it for almost a year. He finally made his choice and dropped it entirely. Alot of church and counseling later we made it through and got married. The difference is, however, I was not married to him when he was cheating. If he did it now that we're married, I'd divorce him without a thought. The reason I feel this way is I know what a pre-marital affair did to me and how it has cast a small cloud of doubt that I think will always be with me. To this day I still cry about it and am still hurt by it and I find myself wondering things all the time. I know if he broke our marriage vows I could never trust him again.
You were not living a lie, you were living what was in your heart, but your husband WAS living a lie. A sports car, or a one night fling is a mid-life crisis, a 2.5 year affair is something entirely different. Spend some time on you now and don't worry about him or your marriage, heal your heart and find out what you really want in your life. Show your daughter through your actions how strong a woman can be. It doesn't make you stronger to "tough it out" for the children, it makes you a martyr, and some day that will make you very bitter.
This man was willing to risk your life... your LIFE... for another woman... That was the hardest thing for me to come to terms with and what hurt me the most when it happened to me.
I am unclear if he is repentant and has stopped the affair. I went through something similar, and we did get back together and things are good but. A. He didn't see or talk to her anymore. B. We were in counseling. C. He changed jobs (she was in his field) and we moved.
Best of luck to you, but stand firm, unless you want to have this happen again, make sure he is over it. I know women who just had to put up with affairs their whole marriage lives and weren't happy.
The best predictor of future behavior it past behavior. Chances are if you take him back, he will cheat again. Cut your losses and move on to someone who will cherish you as you deserve to be. Best of luck!
If you are even considering taking your husband back after having a long affair, then perhaps you must follow your heart. If you were really ready to let go of him, you would not even consider taking him back.
Take a look at this website, it may be of enormous help to you:
http://www.drirene.com It's a wonderful website.
All the best to you, sorry you have had to undergo such pain.
NO!!!! If he did once, he will do it again. He is playing you and wanting to have you as a safety net if the new relationship doesn't work.
I know of more than one "perfect marriage" where the husbanad had successfully hidden his affair for months. The wife believed that everything was fine and was like you blindsided by his announcement. In one case, he even had his wife convinced that he was coming back. Then when he got back, he was engaged to marry the other woman.
Your daughter probably knows the truth. Even younger children can pick up things that you try to hide from them.
You need to be careful letting him back into your bed. No telling what kind of diseases he has been exposed to.
Counseling might help, but cheaters always cheat.
I think you already know the answer to your question. How many times will he continue to do this to you. You deserve better and so do your children. NEVER stay in a relationship just for the kids. My parents tried to and it affected us more in a bad way. A good marriage should include trust & loyalty, neither of which you have. When a child sees a loveless relationship, they think that's how it is for everyone. In our family we don't give second chances when it
comes to cheating. As far as I'm concerned, that is the worst
thing anyone could ever do. It you want to fool around then don't be married. You need to find someone who will love you & you only for who you are. Your husband didn't know how lucky he was. Good luck & I'll say a prayer for you! By the way - there are good ones out there. I've been married to mine for 28 years now & we are both totally committed to each other.
I am sorry to hear what has happened. I hate to say that the affair was probably happening way before he told you because they never want to admit that they have been unfaithful. I don't know your husband, but I can tell you by my experience. He told me that nothing happened till after he left, but I know that that is not true.
I truely believe in marriage and if you can handle the uphill battle, then I think you should go for it. This will also be difficult for him. He has lost your trust and the first time he calls to tell you that he is going to hang out with his friends, you are going to wonder. The only thing I say before you let him come home is that you need to go to marriage couseling. If he was so unhappy why did he not communicate that to you.
My marriage ended in divorce and as I look back it was the best thing for me.
NO you DO NOT take him back. He'll do it again. D. it really has nothing to do with being a fighter--it is all about trust in a relationship.
Take God as your partner and get out--God's way are not the worlds ways(society). Adultery is wrong and leaves hurt and pain in its path of destruction. Women suffer because of what it does to our self esteem and men tend to think it is in someway their "right" to hurt us when they want their way. They are confused--bunk--they want their cake and eat it too.
Care about yourself and your daughter. Yes she is sad and so are you. Help her through. Better for her to grow up in a healthy environment than one where she will end up choosing a man just like daddy to marry and the cycle starts all over again.
Praying for you--because I can tell the choice is not an easy one for you.
This is an extremely hard situation to deal with! I personally have not been through this, but can only imagine. If he is willing, you BOTH need to find a Christian marital counselor who can counsel you in the right direction. Obviously, God intends for us to stay married once we've committed and exchanged vows, but adultery is not tolerated. If your husband is unwilling to go to counseling to correct what has already been damaged, I believe that you should at least go for yourself in order to being the healing process.
First of all, once a cheater, always a cheater. I went throught almost the same thing. My husband started cheating on me when I was pregnant with my 12 year old daughter. We were happy and in love until I became pregnant then I wasn't quite so much fun anymore and had to put someone other than himself first in my life. Almost a year after our divorce (without any contact at all from him-he didn't even call to check on our child) he came to me telling me he wasn't happy, that he made a mistake and wanted me back. Stupidly, I took him back after several months of punishment from me and a few years later he did it again. With a woman 28 yrs his junior. I learned the hard way that no matter how sorry they say they are and how much they cry to you, he will always be a cheater. I do not believe that these men can change and given the opportunity to cheat again, they would do so. I know that I am quite bitter and my opinion is a bit tainted but it is better to be safe than sorry.
I know exactly what I would do. Espically if I had a daughter. She is learning what a marrage is suppose to be from you. Even if she is in her twentys before she knows about the other woman it will effect her judgment on the man she chooses to marry. Because you dont know the right thing to do I would suggest you go get counceling. I pray that God brings good judgment to you and helps you threw this very difficult time and the time after you have made you decision. God bless.
NO!!! Do NOT take him back, not for yourself nor for the sake of the kids. I made the same mistake, after mine cheated on me & ran off w/the girl, he groveled his way back to me so I took him back & for a while things were GREAT! Then I found out he'd been bad-mouthing me behind my back to his little gal-friends, saying really bad things about me, some to which I have NO clue what he's referring to, he keeps trying to set up a secret date w/these girls. As far as I know it hasn't happend yet but I do go out of town for business. There's no telling WHAT happens when I'm away. TRUST me, if it were me (and it sorta is) & I could get out of this relationship easily, I'd rather be by myself than to be w/someone that doesn't know the true meaning of "forsake all others", who obviously doesn't love me or want to be w/me. He's apparantly w/me for convenience! He's even got singles ads online!
Go find you a good man who wants ONLY you.
I'm so sorry your going through this first of all. I have somewhat been down this road before except my husband was using the internet as his tool and who knows how far he took it. I must tell you that If you decide to take him back just know that trust is out the door. It's going to be an ongoing thought crossing your mind any time he walks out that door. It's hard enough to deal with what they did ,but even harder to be with someone and feel like you cant trust them anymore. It has made my relationship miserable at times. Before taking him back I would suggest you go to counseling for yourself,and couple counseling. I know in my situation I gave it a try for my child,but believe me to this day it's so hard for me to get those thoughts out of my head,and the ugly feeling of being unable to trust him again. Our relationship will never be the same again just like you I thought I found someone i could trust with my life and who would be commited to me to the fullest..I think for your childs sake try going to counseling first then see where that leads and how you feel after dealing with your deep feelings. God bless and I hope for the best for you and your daughter.
D., I hope you have respect for yourself. God does want us to forgive, but He also wants us to be happy with ourself.Can you forget and forgive and move on, or will you bring up the affair everytime you and your husband has a disagreement? Think about this and don't use your daughter as a pawn.
D., my heart aches for you... I will pray for you and your decision. Satan likes to destroy what God created. Your marriage is sacred and Satan was there prowling around. If it is in God's plan you will forgive and trust your husband again. Forgiveness and Trust are the two most difficult virtues to apply in life. Pray about it often. It is a long road to recovery, but it can happen. I just recently came back from an ACTS retreat. Someone shared a similar story and God helped her through this difficult situation and they are both happily married and very involved with the church and serving others. If you have the opportunity, I would recommend that you first seek marriage counseling and in time when God calls you by name sign up for an ACTS retreat. Your spirit will be renewed and you will feel that heavy cross you bear lifted up. God bless you!
Have you ever heard of a Dynamic Marriage class? My parents are advocates for it and have led a few sessions of it. They say they have seen MANY marriages that were destined for divorce be saved and come back more in love than ever before...even some that had one or both partners being unfaithful. That would be my advice...look for some kind of counseling/classes that you both could attend to work on your marriage. I am a firm believer that we should pull out all stops to save our marriages, and not just for our children's sake!
Wow, girlfriend I don't know what you should do! This is one of those situations that there are just no standard rules that apply. Of course it should have never happened but now you must figure out what is the best course for your life. Do you guys have a church home? Sometimes going to talk with a Pastor or counseler can really help put things back in perspective. I would say that your husband needs to make it clear that he is turning completely away from the other woman permanetly. I know you said you can get past it in time, but the key here is forgiveness. You will have to forgive him by faith and allow God's love to work through you and restore your heart to your husband. This whole messy business will really be an assignment for God. There just isn't enough human goodness to patch it up. So my vote is turn to God for wisdom and do what you feel He tells you. I am so sorry this happened in your life. Remember, whatever looks so bleak for man is a great opportunity for the Lord to show up and do something awesome! I wish you all the best and just hang in there!!!!!
Wow I am so sorry! I am a big supporter of working it out if AT ALL POSSIBLE! However, one thing you said really stuck out to me...and that he should have just left her as a friend...someone who got caught up in an affair because he put himself in that situation should not (in hindsight) still view the situation this way. This is very concerning to me and as hard as this is on your family, it will be harder if you open yourself (and them) up to his betrayel again if he is just sorry in the moment. I don't know much of this story and I couldn't even begin to give you a "do this" type of advise, but I would go slow and make sure the two of you get serious counseling first. Make sure you have no reservations about going back if you do. I think the second time would be just as hard. The shock may be less, but the trama of doing this to your kid would take it's place. Good luck and I hope you get peace about whatever happens!
Let me just say that after your initial shock, the anger, regret, anxiety and depression will set in. I had this same thing happen to me, except that I found out about only 1 affair. I can't imagine what goes on inside a man's pea brain, but goes with the notion that the "grass is greener on the other side" and then when that pasture isn't new and exciting any longer...they want to come back. They manage to kiss your butt for only a little while before the old antics come back and you have to constantly worry who, what, when , where and why! That is not a way to live. I did it for 3 more years after I found out my husband's affair--mind you, just the one that I found out about. Plus, more than anything, I worried about WHAT he might be bringing back to me through his scandalous ways. Do you really want to be a mom to your children that has AIDS or some other disgusting disease?? Your daughter will find out one day and ask questions of why dad left. Do you want her to know that it is ok for a man to treat (her father) her mother that way?? Then she will think it is ok for a man to treat her that way since she watched you do it. I imagine you are fearful of being alone as I was. It is a trying time to figure out if you can forgive and forget...I tried to forgive first, making excuses and placing blame on myself rather than the blame on him. Geez...thousands of dollars later in therapy I can say that IT WAS NOT MY FAULT!! I forgave, and then I got angry and consumed on what he was doing because the bond of TRUST had been broken. I know some people say that they have their husbands come back and the marriage is stronger than it was before, but this day and age?? I just don't know. I have come to realize that there were more affairs that I simply didn't know about and here he was SELFISHLY coming back to my bed and possibly giving me something nasty. It's all about what makes them feel good and "wanted" at the time. They are so tunnel vision when it comes to one particular part of their body!! I'm sorry that you are going through this and I do actually have a heart and not so bitter anymore, but it has taken years to admit that I wasn't enough for him and neither was our daughter. He would do the same thing in a constant circle of events. I could mark my calendar like a menstrual cycle...yes, I think he had his period at least TWICE a month!! Be careful for you have the upper hand now and don't fall into the web of lies he will come up with. He is now having to dress like a wolf in sheep's clothing. Think about your future and your daughter's. It's a long road ahead to decide what is best for you. Know that you are not alone and there are different people with different scenarios that worked out for them. But, it helps to know what other people have gone through. Hope you are ok!! Hugs!
First i want to say sorry that you are going throught something like this. Debby it is not the end of the world and in the end you will make a decision for yourself but i would not take hime back he has betrayed your trust, love, mirrage, and your daughter so please don't think you have to be with him for the sake of your daughter he wil always be her father and i don't think that it is healthy for your family to have him home when he does not want to be there 100%. Debby don't allow him to have control over you only you have control you were strong enough to leave your last husband who made the choice to not treat you like the QUEEN YOU ARE! and don't think you can't find someone else to love you. people are put in our lives for a reason to teach us something wether the experience is good or bad we still learn something. D. it seems to me that he does not care about the way you feel and hasn't for the past 2 1/2 years of his unfaithfulness and for him to go as far as staying out once he told you is just disgusting don't let him play with your heart besides you want a man not a coward he should have been truthfull and given you the option on wether or not you were willing to except something like this. let him and that woman have a miserable life together. GOD ALMIGHTY does not reward adultery.You are STRONG, BEAUTIFUL, SMART, and the list goes on. May God see you through.
after reading your e-mail I can only imagine the hurt and frustration you must have gone through, but please, please, do not GO back to your husband for the sake of your child. I say that because even though it is hard for your daughter and she misses him, having him back for THAT reason will not make things better for you or your marriage.
There are issues to deal with and hurdles to jump and he must PROVE himself to you. Personally, if he felt he made a mistake and wishes he had just left her as a friend, then he can start by leaving her! Let him get his act together on his own, allow visitation for his daughter but arms length for you and him until you have both sought counseling and you can really TRUST him again. It will always be in the back of your mine...will he do it again, if so when and with who. The one time he doesn't come home as expected, will you automatically think he is cheating again. Let time heal your wounds and hurts and if it is meant to be and if he really cares for you as he claims, then he will be there.
Honestly D., women can get through such an ordeal as this far better than men and we are survivals because of our children. We can also go it alone, men on the other hand are not as strong as they portray, allow him to come back only after things have been worked out and you can totaly trust him, not because he sends you flowers and tell you he actually loved you more than her just so he can have a place to rest his head.
I'm probably not the right person to be giving advice about this since I have never been through this myself. I know you will follow your heart at the end, but just let me say that you deserve and have the right to be happy! I know you say he is the love of your life, but would that person do these things to you? You can't stay in a marriage for anyone but yourself. It won't do your daughter any good for her parents to be married but unhappy. She will see this! It is better for everybody in the long run for you and your husband to do what needs to be done in order for you BOTH to be happy. It will be very hard, and I know it is easy for me to say this because I am not in this situation. Only you know your family, and pray for God to help you know what to do. You need to feel loved and secure as much as he does. BUT, he has already told you he has not been happy for a long time, right? So, why would you want to stay in a relationship with someone that obviously doesn't want to be with you anymore? It will be difficult on you and your daughter no matter what in my opinion. Either you take him back and live a lie (which she will see and it will not do her any good), or you divorce and hopefully find your TRUE Mr. Right and be genuinly happy for good! No matter what your decision, the outcome you want is for you to be happy and content with yourself. Your daughter, I think, will be happy too when you are happy! I wish you the best. God Bless!
Persoannly, I would make him complete a marriage counselling program with you first and also follow thru with any recommendations that she / he has for your husband to do also. You owe that to your daughter and yourself so that his behavior is not repeated. Good luck.
I think you have to make sure he is willing to work through this with you. You are going to have to pray to God to reveal his heart to you because you can't trust what he says to you right now. I just found out 2 months ago my husband was having an affair for 2 and a half months. It was the worst day of my life and the last 2 months have been pure hell. I never want to relive this pain. We are working it out, going to counseling and my husband is doing everything he can to earn back my trust. If you don't think your husband will do what it takes to help you heal you will probably keep getting hurt all over again. I always told myself if my husband had an affair I would be gone but when kids are involved you really have to weigh all the consequences. You deserve happiness and if you don't think you can get that being married to your husband you are better off without him. You have all the power right now if he is really sorry. Hold your head up and hang in there. I feel your pain and will pray for you. Take care and stay in touch.
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