Tips for Dealing with "More than Senior Moments" with an Elderly Loved One?

Low tech or no tech memory tips are not the solution. Someone has to stand up to the backlash, take her to the doctor, and be present to relay the relevant details she will intentionally or unintentionally omit. Tip toeing around her feelings is not the answer when her safety, and the safety of others, could be at stake...leaving the stove on, wandering off and getting lost, driving without enough judgement to do so safely.

Part of her attitude could be embarrassment or fear. It may actually help her psychologically to know more about the underlying issue and learn ways to manage it (which could even include medication). Your family's lack of experience with older people is exactly the reason you should be seeking professional help and support.

I have a different perspective on this than some, I think. It comes from 2 places 1) I'm in these shoes and have met with doctors, etc, to get help for my loved ones (and memory loss is rampant in my family, unfortunately) and 2) what I've learned is that there really is no effective treatment for dementia/memory loss (the 2 meds out there only work very early on, and even then only to a small degree) so while it would be great if your relative would see a doctor, to be honest, there isn't much doctors can do. And facing memory loss is scary, so it's not surprising that she's in denial. So forcing her to face the issue isn't always useful since there is no treatment. In this case, how to handle it?

- write things down. We find having a written calendar on the wall at her house is actually better than an electronic one. This is because when we are around, we can take a look at the wall calendar, correct anything that's written down incorrectly, and also write things down that aren't on there.

- someone needs to know her medical history, including what meds she takes daily. She should have one of the boxes for meds that has compartments for morning, lunch, and evening with the day of the week so she can keep track of what pills she's taken, and when. Memory problems can be GREATLY aggravated if she messes up her medications for any other conditions she has. If possible, someone else should dole out the pills into the case to make sure it's accurate.

- help to keep her active. Physical activity is pretty much the only thing that correlates with keeping memory from deteriorating. If there are relatives nearby, it would be fantastic is someone would commit to going to her house and taking a walk every day. It can be that simple.

- for any important event (family events, doctors appointments, etc), plan on someone picking her up and bringing her, so she doesn't miss things. Don't say it as "I'm going to take you so you don't forget" Just say "I'm going to be in the area that day, why don't I pick you up so we can spend some time together."

-keep an eye on her driving, and have a plan in place to take her shopping, to events, etc, when the time comes that she's no longer capable. This is one of the hardest things to deal with. No one wants to take away a person's independence. With my family members, they don't forget how to drive. But it will likely get to the point where she will go somewhere, and then not remember where she's going, or how to get home. This is when it gets serious and you will need to involve a doctor at this point even if she's still in denial.

- let all the small stuff go. She doesn't remember that she's told you the same story 3 times, or asked you the same question 4 times already today. The kindest thing to do is to listen and answer as if you haven't heard before. Don't take it personally when she forgets a grandchild's birthday. Because she really doesn't remember. Important conversations, get in writing, and as much as you can, let the rest go.

- loving someone with memory loss is a reminder to live in the day and enjoy each moment as it happens. Will she remember later that she was laughing and having fun with you? The reality is - no. But YOU know that in that moment, you and she were enjoying each other. Cherish that.

She needs to be recorded making plans then when she doesn't remember making the plans she needs to listen to herself. That might make her realize it's time to face up to what might be happening to her.

Can you put yourself in her shoes for a moment please?

Even if she is aware she is having issues she's doing her best to deny it, rampantly. Alzheimer's is a dreadful way to die. Dementia is a dreadful way to live out the remainder of one's days.

She does not want to face this possibility at all so EVEN IF she's award on a subconscious level she does not want that fate. She does not want to admit there is a problem and face the doc as he tells her she is going to die, forgetting to even do the most basic things like breath or swallow. She will wear a diaper and not be able to walk, she'll waste away in some nursing home with nurses surrounding her trying to make her final hours on this earth less humiliating and painful.

That's what one thinks of when they come face to face that they "might" have an issue with their memory.

So please try to see what she's possibly already thinking without truly facing it.

If she is really having these issues where the whole family is noticing you have to know, she's already noticed them at home. That's why she's getting angry with everyone. She wants this to go away, not be noticed by anyone else. It's not a fate she wants so she's denying it's possible.

Please talk to someone about this and find a way to guide her into visiting with the doc about this. I'd be plenty mad at anyone who tried to remind me I was having problems when I was trying to deny and forget there were happening.

First and foremost, go to the doctor WITH her and tell them your concerns.
You need to be on her HIPPA papers at all her doctors, if you are her closest relative that is caring for her. There are tests that she needs. If caught early, she can be given a med that will help her. No med means she gets worse. With meds, it can be helped.

I completely understand her denial and offence. My mil was that way to the extreme but she has a mental illness that amplifies that kind of denial.
Her judgement is horrible. There is no end to the money she has wasted and relatives that no longer talk to her. Getting older people with mental illnesses help is almost impossible.

If this is just run of the mill, elder in denial, then getting her help is still going to be difficult. Try to be patient and loving but honest about the need for an evaluation and your willingness to go with her for the visits. Does she have a church family? You might can get her pastor's help or pastor's wife. At least find out when her next doctor's visit is and call them. They can't tell you anything but you can have the nurse leave a confidential note for her doctor detailing your observations.

Her living conditions need to be evaluated. Is her place clean, does she have food, does she forget to eat, how is her driving?

You need to have a way to call and remind her of things the day before it happens. Someone needs medical power of attorney and she needs a living will that states how far she wants to be cared for. Does she know where her will is? Life insurance? Lock box?

You may think its too early to think about all these things but her mind can go fast.