Table Manners

No, it is not too much to ask. At 3 1/2 you should teach manners, however with the undertanding that he is just 3. Give him a reasonable amount of time in which he needs to sit at the table. Try and be pre-emptive about it. Engage him in conversation before he realizes that dinner is over and he should go.

If you do miss that window than tell him that he needs to sit down and tell you 1 thing about what he did today and then he may be excused. You can eventually increase it to 2 things or other topics altogether.

Doing this allows him to feel in control of the situation which should result in a much more compliant child.

I think it's a little young to be able to sit still for too long a period of time. Manners are necessary, so I think I would teach him to politely ask to be excused from the table when he is done eating. The ablility to sit until everyone is done eating will get easier as he gets older.

We've taught our son to ask to be excused. When he is done eating, he will ask, we usually ask him to wait (for a small amount of time) or eat one more bite. It usually works to get him there for a few more minutes. I have to remind myself that he is only 3 and time is still a lost concept. In time, we will have to look back and be thankful we ever got him to the table to begin with!! =)

My three kids (5 year old and twins who are 3 1/2) are the same way and it drives me nuts. I know for us, we are inconsistent about enforcing the rule of sitting. I work full time so they often just eat alone with the nanny watching. The kids eat quickly and usually finish at the same time and just jump right up and move to the next activity. That's fine when it's just the three of them and they all finish the meal at the same time. The problem is on the weekends when an adult (my husband and/or I) are eating with them. They finish way before we do (especially since we have to get up a bunch of times to get drinks, napkins, etc...) And then they run away from the table. I think we just have to be more consistent with the rule of waiting until everyone is done. I'll be curious to see what everyone else says. I know at school they teach the kids to wait until everyone is done, so not sure why they don't follow the rule at home...

he's 3 1/2...how long are you making him stay at the table til everyone else is done. have him sit for a couple of more minutes and then he can bring his plate to the kitchen counter to help.

Hi Stephanie,
My son is almost 3 1/2. He's the same way. We try to include him in the table conversation as much as possible so he'll be interested in staying. However, if he's done eating, it is a little much to make him sit there. We try to get him to stay by talking with him. Sometimes it works, sometimes not. The only thing we ask of him at that point is that he says, "Excuse me please" and then we excuse him from the table. So at least he leaves on our terms (he asks to be excused). Sometimes I'll say, you can be excused if you take 3 more sips of milk. I've spoken to lots of people about this and most say not to worry. That many children won't sit at the table for the whole meal until they're a little older (like 5ish).

Holy Mackerel NO! That is not too much to ask for. Maybe it is too much to ask that he get it perfect on the first try, but he is looking to you for what is appropriate and inappropriate at the dinner table. You don't mention how long he has been doing this for, but it could be a phase he is going through. My 20 month old son is too excited by everything to even finish his own dinnner, let alone wait for others. But we take it one day at a time, and keep him in the chair as long as possible, and when we have guests, we try our best to keep him entertained. I think my son is getting the message even if he has a really hard time getting it right.
Good luck!

I have a 3 1.2 year old boy, very energetic. Here are some strategies we use:
-- we got a "page-a-day" calendar and turn one page around the time he starts getting restless. Ours is a travel calendar so we all guess what will be on the next page -- water, city, or wilderness. It gives us a conversation piece.
-- someone gave us "51 dinner table games" -- the come in different age categories, and we have 3-6 years, so he can request one game per night. They've got lots of developmental benefits and again, it pulls us all together in conversation. (As parents, we'd rather just zone out -- we're exhausted and have a baby to feed! But then it's fun to listen to the world of a pre-schooler.)
-- we hold out the threat of losing dessert (which is just fruit 90% of the time, but the word dessert is magic)
-- if dinner is going long, we let him get up before the whining starts, to go play in the living room for 5 minutes and come back for dessert together.
-- if he whines, we ask each other, "Do you hear anything? It sounds really windy in here." And maybe a nudge about "big boy voice". (Don't get me wrong -- he still whines all the time, just not at the table so much anymore!)

Routine and ritual are so important. Even if you're the only parent there, some of these rituals still work to keep everybody together. Good luck!

PS - Our favorite "game" is when he cleans his plate -- we pretend to be sad/upset and act like a squirrel got into the house and ate his food. "You must be really hungry; that naughty squirrel!" He loves to be proud of himself and say, "No, I'm the squirrel! I ate the food!"

hi S., i do think its too much to ask for, at least at that age, though of course all kids are different... i battled with this also, trying to do what i thought was right. then i read somewhere that asking a toddler to sit there for more than 15 min or so is like torture. which i guess i knew, but felt it was important for him to sit. of course it depends on the kid, but i suggest that if he cant handle it, give all of you a break, you dont want every meal to be a battle. set standards for when he wants to get up if you like, what he must try to eat, or how he asks to be excused, etc, and then let it go. i made a lot of changes to meal time when i realized that i was spending 2 hours cooking, 15 min choking down my food while fighting and begging/bargaining, then another hour cleaning up. who needs it? its more important for your family time to be enjoyable, even if its shorter, imo. i eased up on what i was making, still healthy but not so involved, so i didnt feel so bad when the kids didnt eat it. and if they eat something and are polite about it, they can go. and i dont let them stay at the table if they arent polite. and sometimes i use paper :) dinner is more about talking now, sometimes anyway, then about forcing down the food pyramid and sitting there for a half hour. better for us. and something else i have realized, it is easier to teach them to have good manners if they dont have to keep it up for as long on a daily basis. its really important to me that they can sit at a table and have good manners... i have a 1 year old, a 3 year old, and a 6 year old, and we bring them out to eat at decent restaurants all the time, family dinners, holidays, etc. and they are generally a pleasure, so we are doing something right. i know some people have their kids at the dinner table for an hour, and more power to them, but we find it better like this. you know your kid, pick your battles and dont set yourself - or him - up to fail.

Personally I think it's a real chore for a little one to stay sitting and have nothing to do and really there's no need for it at home is there? At that age they are not going to be interested in adult conversation and you've spent all day with him already. Perhaps you could keep him interested by letting him help feed his sister. That's always a fun activity for most kids his age.

I remember the torture of going out to dinner for what seemed like hours. I could never understand why grownups had to talk and eat so much for so long. I'd usually draw on the paper table cloths but it was very hard to sit. I was older than 3 at this point. We have a lifetime to learn and it's a lot easier if it's at an age-appropriate time. It's not going to work any faster if you push it too early but it can be learned very fast when he's a bit older.

3 is a whiny age. My daughter is a teen now and wouldn't sit but she does now and it's really not a problem. Of course he should ask to be excused though.

S.-

My two sons are almost exactly the same age as your children and I have a very similar problem. My older son rarely wants to stay at the table. I try to get him to stay as long as possible by engaging him in conversation about his day and his friends, school etc. This only works sometimes. If he does get up, I try to make sure that the rest of us stay at the table and let him know that although he may leave, there will be no one available to play with him until dinner is done. I tend to lose this battle, but I keep trying (-: Good luck to you!

Maybe if it was not distracting to your other child, he could read a book quietly at the table. As for protesting, my kids usually adjust to a new rule after about a week; the complaints are alot at first, but taper off.

I have three boys and I believe it's not too much to ask for. Three years of age is not too early, I think and experienced. Yes, they don't find it intersting to hear adult conversation but teaching them to be patiently waiting and not everyone is finished and having a a dessert is a great bribing for some kids not all kids. But, you want to teach him table manner as early as posssible. That is my opinion. Standing up in their chairs (in my home and I carry this rule with me wherever we go out to eat at Grandma's or restaurant) is not acceptable. They must wait. I am not harsh and strict but I have boys and they can be a more difficult to talk to about doing what is right. But, again, that's my opinion and let me know how it went anyways.

Is there anything to do while he waits? I understand that you would like to bring him up with appropriate table manners but making a 3 and a half year old sit at a table with nothing to do while everyone else finishes is probably looked at as a punishment by him not to mention a battle for you every night making the relaxing family dinner you're describing torture for all and something your daughter witnesses everynight, so she may get the idea that it is normal to scream at the table. It'd be different if you coudl enjoy his company while he waited.

I personally let my daughter get up when she is done, (she is also 3 and a half) as long as she asks me first. If we are out somewhere I obviously want her to stay seated with us so I bring a coloring book and crayons or just a storybook she can look through.

I think you should try giving him something to do while he waits, I know it is not perfect table ettiquette, but there is definitely much worse, and why put yourself and everyone else through taht every night. I always say as a mother Pick your battles! Is this one important enough to fight over on a daily basis?

Good Luck :)

No you are not asking too much. My children are 20 months, 5 1/2 and 8 1/2. The older two have been asking if they may be excused before they get up from the table for at least the last 3 years. Yes, even the now 5 1/2 year old. We aren't dictators about how we do it. We just made it a normal part of the dinner routine and if they get up without asking, they have to sit back down and wait a few minutes before actually asking and then being excused. If you make it part of a normal routine, it doesn't become a bad thing...it just becomes natural. It may be tough in the beginning but eventually it would become the new routine. You just have to be consistent.

BTW, I do completely support you in doing this. We decided to do it after a Thanksgiving dinner when I watched my 3 year old nephew continually get up from the table, run around the main floor, come back, do it again, etc. until he eventually ran into a huge potted plant knocking it over and breaking it sending dirt everywhere. My BIL got mad that they shouldn't have had a plant there whereas my husband and I agreed with my SIL...he should have not been allowed to behave like that during dinner. We decided then and there our children were absolutely going to have manners and behave appropriately. While our children have their moments, they do not scream in stores, run around stores or at inappropriate times, etc. I am constantly told in public places (doctor's office and my one son's classroom as I had to take the baby in with me - both just last week!) that people are surprised how well my children behave in such circumstances. The trick is to start the boundaries now because it will be that much harder to change the behavior the older they get.

Hi S., I do not think this is too much to ask. Your rules are your rules. Stick to what you say, do not back down. If he does not listen now you will have problems when he is a teen. Best wishes, Grandma Mary

I definitely do not think that this is too much to ask for. I am not saying that it will be easy, and I do suggest that you ease him into it since he is still so little. It is difficult for little ones to sit at the table and wait for the adults to be finished. But if you do it now, then he will always do it. My philosophy is that they should wait until they are excused. I do not always make my son wait until we are all finished, particularly because the adults tend to linger longer. But, I would suggest that he learn to wait until you tell him he can be excused, or he can ask politely to be excused. For now, just get him to sit a little longer after he is done, and explain that you are not finished and it would be nicer if he could wait. Then, let him get up after a few cooperative minutes. Then, extend the time he waits according to age. The older, the longer. I have a personal pet peeve when people get up before everyone is done, children included, although have no issue if the kids are at least polite and wait a bit longer, then politely ask to be excused. I dont think people teach their children enough manners these days. Just my opinion. Back in "the day", we were all required to sit until adults were finished, say please and thank you, respect adults, hold doors open, give up a seat on the bus, etc. Nowadays, kids rarely do those things. And they should. No matter what year it is, basic manners should never go out of style! I will stop rambling now! Thanks, I hope this is helpful and again, just imho!