Standing up for Myself

M. A...you need a huge hug and a really great friend!!!

You are a smart, beautiful, amazing person; and you need to find someone who realizes that!!! It is going to take everything you have, but you need to find a support group and walk away. Take your kids and take care of yourself.

If you are 100 pounds or 500 pounds...you need to be with someone who loves every single inch of you, no matter how many or few there are. You can't change him...but you can change how you see yourself. Accept yourself and your limitations, and find someone else who loves you just the way you are.

If you don't want better for yourself...at least want better for your children. You are a few years down the road from him turning that negativity on your children...and if you are fine with your "Caelin you are fat and lazy as your mom," or "Nolin you are the dumbest person on earth" then be prepared, because you are setting up the cycle to put your children through exactly what you went through as a child.

I hope you have the courage to make you and your childrens' lives better...The only one that can change this is you...and not by changing your appearance or attitude about it.

Wow. I mean WOW.

Your friends are right M. A, you should not be living like this. You deserve better.

I am sorry, but your fiance is a total jerk. I don't expect he'll get BETTER once your married.

I REALLY hope you do get tough. I REALLY REALLY hope so.
Do you want your little men growing up thinking this is the appropriate way for them to treat THEIR women? I think not.

Sending you strength of a thousand angry women!!

:)

Hi, I am so sorry you are in such a hard position. Here is what I would do:

1. Find a journal and start writing--everything, your experiences, feelings etc. vent there before you vent to your children or b/f.
2. Take a walk daily with your kids--good to get out of the house and will help you lose some weight and feel better about yourself.
3. Tell your B/F that you are a loving, competent mom who knows what she is doing. If he doesn't have any positive feedback for you, he can keep his comments to himself.
4. Stop giving him sex and anything else until he really truely respects you. Any man who says things like that, needs to be taught respect-especially for the mommy of his kids. When he asks, tell him you aren't attracted to him who is treating you with disrespect and telling you what to do. Until he stops, you don't want to be intimate.
5. Find some type of outside job or babysitting (bring your kids with you) so that you can start saving money. Every week put 75% of it away in a secret spot.
6. When you have saved enough money for 2 months rent and deposit, make a plan to get out of there with your kids and get custody. You don't need to lower your standards and be with a man who doesn't treat you right. You are worth sooooo much more than that~
7. Write all the things you love about yourself, your kids, your life. When you are feeling down, look at the list. (by the way, don't show him the list---it is JUST for you.)

Sorry this was so long, I was just really drawn to your post and wanted to help you. I hope this helps.

Molly

omg i am so sorry for your situation. i dont know what to say, it sounds to me like you need to get yourself away from him. he isnt hurting you or anything? do you think he could go that route? i read your post and kept waiting for the good points, the upside. i dont know why you would stay with him if he cant change. and you dont know if he can change unless he tries, and he wont try unless you give him a reason to. as for finding the strength, i think you can get it from your children. the rest of their lives and the people they learn to be are in your hands. ive done things i never thought i could for my kids. i wish you all the strength in the world, all the best.

I'm truly sorry you are going through this.

You've already taken the first step in recognizing what you can't do. Now, it's a matter of surrounding yourself with people who can help you say NO! You do not treat me this way.

if your size affects him - tell him to pound sand. Seriously. EVERYONE changes over time - you will NOT always be a size 18 nor will you always be a size 8. Life happens.

Seek a counselor who can help you get the confidence in yourself. This means compartmentalizing your past, learning from it and KNOW you are worth more and DESERVE to be treated better than this.

if he doesn't respect you now, he won't respect you later. Tell him - you love him but this is not how you are going to live your life and walk away. Set up custody for your son and find someone who will treat you with love and respect.

Communicate with your son's father. Show your son how a W. is supposed to be treated. Yelling and screaming won't cut it. it doens't work and nothing gets accomplished with it - only feelings get hurt. You know this from personal experience.

You need to ask yourself if you are better off with or without him. Only you can answer this question, I've not walked in your shoes. I can tell you that from what I read - i would walk - and walk NOW. Baby or no. You DESERVE BETTER THAN WHAT HE IS OFFERING YOU!! DO NOT BE AFRAID TO TELL HIM THAT!!! Tell him - the marriage is off. I deserve to be loved and respected and it's obvious you can't do that. Here are the arrangements for custody and child support. Thank you. Good bye!

No, it won't be easy. It won't be fun. But YOU CAN DO THIS!!! You don't need a man to make you. YOU ARE A WONDERFUL W. AND DESERVE RESPECT AND LOVE!!!

I just want to add one thing here: Love your body! My body isn't perfect, but when I look in the mirror, I love what I see because this body had done incredilble things - and so has yours, bringing two beautiful boys into this world! Don't let that Jerk say that your body is anything but beautiful! Hugs!

I think your friends are right. I would leave. You are better than that. It sounds like you have some good friends!

You must understand that you cannot change him. So, you have a decision to make. If you feel like you are not ready to make a decision, which is completely acceptable, I suggest re-directing your energy on correcting his ways to correcting your own. Try it. Just for 1 day. Whenever you think about something you wish he did differently, change your thought to "what do I wish I did differently?" because you can control and change yourself. But you can never do this for him.

Ok for starters this makes me so angry, it does not matter how much you weigh, if he thought you were attractive before you still are now! Your body didn't even have time to lose the weight you gained from your first pregnancy before you got pregnant again, it takes time. When I was pregnant with my first I gained a ton of weight, I was huge and felt awful. My husband still told me how beautiful he thought I was. If a man needs to be attracted to you 24/7 to be with you then he's not the man you need. He should be the one person who can see you at your worst and still want you.

Your already acting like a single mom since he doesn't help you, so you know you can do it. Do not stay with him for security or your kids, the kids will adjust fine. You can make it on your own, and you will find someone who loves you for you and will be willing to help even you with the kids. I'm not saying leave right now, I know it's easier said then done. But tell him how you feel, make him listen. I'd go off his response on whether to give him another chance or not. If he's not understanding and willing to change then leave him. Even if he says he will change and is not sincere about it then you'll be back in the same boat your in now. Do not marry him even if he does change for a little bit, make him really prove it. If he can't step up and be a good parent a partner then you don't need him!

All of these ladies have great advice. I just want to add that you are so articulate and well spoken. You know how to express your needs without blame and you recognize how your reaction to this stressful situation is affecting your parenting. Good for you! Remember, every day is a new day. Every day is a new chance to change something in your life for the better. Being the mom of 2 under 2 is HARD, but you sound like you know what it means to be a good parent. Do what is best for you and your babies, and the rest will work itself out.

I think you need to take the kids, leave and just raise them without a man for awhile until you have your self esteem issues worked out.
Self esteem does not come from anyone else. It's how you feel about you.
Your fiance is not helping with the kids - he's acting like a self absorbed teenager and it is not your job to raise him.
It's better to be alone than to be wishing you were.

Much hugs. Take care of you and your kids. He is just a fiance and if he is acting this way now, when he gets married it isn't going to be any better. Save yourself the stress and possible divorce later on.

Someone who truly loves you will not treat you that way and will work on making it better for both of you.

You are falling back the victim. Only two things can happen when you stand up to him. (1) It gets worse and he further abuses you OR (2) It gets better, his eyes are opened and he respects you. You have to be willing to take that chance to know who you are dealing with. It will help you make the decision if you stay with him or leave. Take the chance, only then will you find out. Don't play games hoping and wishing HE will change. YOU have to make that move for yourself and to stop being abused.

All the best to you.

oh, honey. this just won't do.
i'm not going to beat up on your guy. probably (like you) he comes from a background that hasn't provided him with the tools he needs to be a good partner and dad. but he's not here, YOU are, and you're the one looking to break the cycle. good for you!
you can't change him, but you can change how you react to all the negative triggers that are causing you to compromise your mental and physical health. equally important, you can make sure that YOUR babies don't grow up in a similarly barren atmosphere to yours and their dad's.
the way he treats you is unacceptable. even if it takes time (and it will) for you to find your voice, you don't need to sit there and take it in the meantime. you can't 'ogle' him while he's telling you that you are undesirable and he's ....er......taking matters into his own hands. tell him calmly that he can continue to do exactly that until he learns how to speak to you with respect and courtesy. don't expect him to comply. he too has a lot of growing to do and it doesn't seem as if that's something that interests him.
obviously you need to take care of your children, but you do not have to cater to him while he ignores them. if that's hard for you to internalize, remember that each time he demands that you come change a diaper or bring him a drink, that's a pattern your children are learning as reality, that will be how they think families should operate. do you want that?
do you want them watching their father have tantrums rather than discuss issues rationally, and learning how to be adults from him?
or would you like to provide them with a role model who demonstrates patience, love and BOUNDARIES? you are the one who must provide this role model. he won't.
patricia G nailed it. you are engaged to your dad. don't go there.
i'm sorry for him, but he shows no signs of wanting to change and grow. you do. you can do it. do not marry this fellow. maybe you're leaving him will prompt him to be better to his next gal.
in the meantime you need to work on living a better, stronger, happier life. do it for your kids. do it for you.
good luck!
khairete
S.