Only- Child Father Still Attached to His Mother

The best thing you can do is RUN don't walk...the farther the bettet. It will never change. I have two friends with the same problem. One left to go back to her home in Taiwan with her son, after trying for seven years. The other was able to move with her family from the West coast to the East. It is still not great for her though, and five children later, she is considering divorce.

R., It sounds like your son's father has a lot of growing up to do himself. I say cut your losses and find someone who has cut the apron strings to his mama.

You are also entitled to be happy and as long as you have his mother's apron strings tied to him you or your son will not be the center of his heart just someone looking in believe me I have been there before my ex husband didn't didn't cut the ties till his mother died.

If you aren't happy you may become resentful and frustrated and you may start misdirecting your resentment to your son. RUN RUN quickly to the nearest lawyer to set up visitation and child support and provisions for him to become the beneficiary on his life insurance and retirement plan. Good luck and I hope you find a mature responsible person to share your life with who will love your son unconditionally.

Oh R. - I'm so sad for everyone. I think all the advice you've gotten is pretty good. I don't think anyone said you should get married. My guess is that his father has been out of the picture for a long time and your fiance has stepped into a "husband" role for his mother. I think this happens a lot. My sister married someone just like that and is now likely heading toward divorce after being unhappy for over 20 years! She was never #1 in her husband's eyes and honey, neither will you. Honestly, I wouldn't marry a man who I couldn't trust to look after our child for a week - let alone a few hours! This is a BAD sign. I honestly think you will suffer terrible emotional distress if you marry this guy. Yes, he will always be your child's father and you should let him be all that goes along with that without ever talking badly about him to your son. But you don't have to be married to him.

You're a dentist? I bet you're a pretty smart cookie :)
Run, run, run. Along the way, get the advice of a good attorney so your son's rights are looked after. Please be sure to have a conversation with the boy's father and agree that no matter what happens between the two of YOU, you will both work hard at presenting the other person in nothing but a positive light for your son's sake. It will be the best thing you do. Don't make a bad situation worse by putting your son in the middle of a battle. He deserves better and so do you.

God bless you and good luck!

Hi R.,

I pray that you and your finace can come to some agreement regarding your son. I know that you love him and want to be his wife, however his mother will always have a hold on him. She brought him up that way. I think he loves you and if he does he has to make a choice or you can just release yourself from the relationship. I know will not be an easy task. You can also remind him that his mother can not give him everything that you do, and I am quite sure he has his needs. My mother-in-law is very close to her son, but he realized that he could not have his cake and eat it too. His mother will always be his mother I told him. However to find someone you love and to make a family is another part of your life. Now if you choose to destroy your family over your mother, than be my guest. I'm not going to tell you what I would do, because I am not sure what I would do. Love has a very strong hold on individuals. I hope he comes to his senses for every one involved. He has already showed you that his mother means almost everything to him. Even if he agreed to give you and his son his benefits, just knowing that at first he did not want to will stay in your mind. I wish you the best with the decisions that you make with his man.

C.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I am also married to a man who is the only child and has a controlling mother. HOWEVER, there is a line between behaving as a petty mother in law and playing surrogate wife. He is way out of line with his mother and clearly never developed into a mature adult. He's still her baby and will never be someone's partner. Anyone who puts their mother's finanical interest ahead of their child's is never going to change.

You on the other hand, are clearly a strong woman. You didn't sign the agreement and you're questioning his worth in your life. Think about it this way - is this the male figure you want in your son's life every day? I understand he's still his father, but you want to send the message to your son that he needs to grow up to be his own man (in the same way you're clearly you're own woman).

This is tough, tough stuff. The good news is that he won't have a choice but to own up to his finanical responsibilities if you get a lawyer. Right now his mother is taking advantage of him at the expense of your child. What a horrible, horrible woman. A real mother would never do this to her child or grandchild. Shame on her. She's raised someone as shallow as she is.

Best of luck to you! I know that you have the strength to get through this.

Hi R.,

I say move along.

I have two children by a man who is also close to his mother who also does everything for him. He is 41 and expects me to fix everything. If I don't, his monther does. We have been together 12 years and married seven. If I went with my gut, we would not have married. We are now divorcing because he is all about himself and has not changed at all. He is having an issue dealing with the children on his own. His monther is my only saving grace. I love his family and appreciate all they do for us also, but, he will not grow up. I met my soon to be x when he was 30. Good luck with everything. I know a lot of choices are difficult, but you need happiness also. Don't stay together because of the baby. You need to walk away before the resentment goes too far. You need to be HAPPY!

YES you should be upset. RUN R. RUN... Meddling MIL's only get worse if you get married. Leagally he has to provide child support and a life insurance policy for the child. Are they particularly wealthy that they are trying to protect their money? I am a single Mom and I say move on and be with a real grown up and supportive man someday. He will always be a Momma's boy. Congrats on not accepting the ridiculous pre-nup. No one desreves to be treated like this.

R.,
Time to start making plans for you and your son. There's no excuse for his mom to be the beneficiary. You're not his wife, but he should have his son as the beneficiary. As for the prenup stuff, the minute i'd be presented with those it would be the last minute i would have given this person. that's just total BS.
and one more thing. I would be ok with his mom coming to the rescue when he's alone with his son. I'd be more comfortable having both present than just the dad. So, that part doesn't bother me. Everything else? It sure does. It sure does.
Good luck

R.,

I feel bad that you're going through this. Unfortunately, I dont things will change for you-unless you stand up for your child. You can consult with an attorney for free & no one has to know. You are obviously a good mother with sincere concerns for your childs welfare. Follow your instincts. A mothers instinct is never wrong.
I'm a single parent with 2 beautiful girls-yes it's hard, but I wouldn't change a thing!

Good Luck!

R.-

RUN to the nearest lawyer and get child-support for your son. Then RUN away from this man/boy. He will never put you or your son first. He wants his mom to receive his retirement benefits? You have got to be kidding me! What did he think you were supposed to do after marriage, with a pre-nup like that? He does not know how to be a partner in a mature relationship. He does not even put the welfare of his own child first. That is the way it is supposed to be, not to give everything to a parent. Helping her is one thing, but to give her EVERYTHING - NO. RUN, RUN, RUN!!!

Hi R.,
You are right to be upset. This man is not committed to you or to your son. If you are to be married, you should be his beneficiary on all of his assets. This money should be to provide for you and his son, that is what a husband does. A good mother raises her son to take care of his wife and child. It shouldn't be his mother giving you money to take care of your son if your husband should pass; it's you who should help his mother if possible if there is money left after you and your son are taken care of. He has made a choice, his mother is his priority, you and your son are not, and I don't believe that getting married will change that since he already presented you with a prenuptual agreement stating that he does not plan to take care of you and his son. You should be the beneficiary on his assets if you are married, if the beneficiary is a child, there must be an adult co-beneficiary or someone legally named as executor of his will to manage the money for the child. As the child's parent, this should be you.
My husband of 18 years is an only child and is close to his mother, but his mother has taken care of herself financially and is in a better financial position than we are. She would never expect anything of us, she would expect us to take care of our children, our family. Why didn't your fiance's mother and her own husband plan for her financial security?

I'm wondering who will be expected to hold your fiance's hand once his mother is gone? Marriage is about a partnership. Ensuring the financial security of your child should be a joint responsibility. Your fiance can't even take care of his son for a day. Is this the kind of man you want to have as the sole male role model for your son? You certainly have A LOT to think about. I wish you the best of luck with this difficult situation.

You've heard enough really great advice. Truly, this is not the man for you. He couldn't even accept his son as his beneficiary! That makes no sense at all. His mother did an injustice in raising him - he will be a BOY forever. You really should consider making a plan, save your money, consult an attorney for full custody, get yourself a place, pack and leave. Do like Forest Gump - run R. run!!

You are not wrong to be upset. I believe you are correct. I also think that at this stage, the relationship between your fiance and his mother is not going to change, as she has him dependently-trained to be 'glued' to her. She doesn't realize the damage she has done to her son by not allowing him to grow into "being a man". He will always be her little boy. His conditioning and loyalty to her first isn't going to change. (My mother had the same 'grip' on my youngest brother, and his wife (with their child) divorced him.) It seems like you have a difficult choice to make. If your fiance doesn't come to his senses, then since you are not married, it may be time for you and your baby to move on.

I know you are not married yet but by law he still has to care for his child. If you went to court for child support you can also demand he has a life insurance policy with his son as a beneficiary and also include a college fund. When my husband and his ex-wife divorced their daughter was only 2 1/2 and they didn't agree on custody or visitation so the court appointed a laywer to represent their daughter. She looks after the best interest of the child only. My husband and his ex both have life ins policies with their daughter as the beneficiary and they both have to put money toward a college fund, he also pays 17% of his salary toward child support, 1/2 of daycare, and 1/2 of all medical expenses. This does not include all the extra's we do like extracuricular activites, clothes, birthday parties, etc. So in the long run I think it would be less expensive for your fiance to put your son as the beneficiary. Hope this helps and good luck to you.

Does he give you money toward the bills? If he does, then take out your own life insurance policy on him for your son and to cover funeral expences if something should happen to him, and this will be paid from from household expences. Then you won't have to worry about the others. The other thing is to check with an attorney about your son's rights and what he is entitled too. He would be entitled to social security benefits and his mother would not. hmmmm. as for the prenup. I am with you sister, actually I probably would have left him by now because trust is a major issue, and remember your entitled to a percentage of his income for your son. You have a lot to think about. Wanting to take care of his mother is honorable, but his son has a future and he should be concerned about that.

I don't think your problem is with his mother - it is with your so call fiance.

He is not standing up to her or up for you.
You should have ran when he gave you the pre-nup - not have a baby with him.

This means you saw him - who he truly was, his essence - before having the child and you thought, maybe you could change him?

Also, you bent so much - so far - I don't see how you are going to stand up to him now.

I am for marriage and I always say work it out, work it out, but in this situation your man sounds selfish, small, cheap and he's counting on his mother living longer than both of you to take care of your son? He sounds dumb too.

Remember his mother has a man and is living her life. He is the one refusing to live his life. Your anger is misdirected. I would be so angry at him not trusting the love you guys share and not setting boundries in your relationship. That is his job.

The devil can knock on the door, but you do not have to answer.

Hi R.,
One of my nephew is the same way, the only thing he has no kids yet. I also have a friend who's mom is his beneficiary, sad to say after five years into his relationship they broke up. I think you should read the signs, his mother is very important to him and everything else is second. I hope you can convince him to add your son as a beneficiary or open a saving account for him or something of that sort.
I truly hope things work out because this could be the beginning of a big mess.

Trust is the most important thing in a marraige and you are not getting it. I agree with Soni. He does not want to take the rsponsibility of a husband or a father. You should be beneficiary because you take care of his son. His son is his future, his mother is his past. Leave.

Hi R.,
You are NOT wrong! Prenup? Are you kidding? I agree with Soni. If he hasn't stepped up by now (after months of pregnancy and 1 year of your child's life) he's not likely to. There's a difference between taking care of one's mother if she's unable to care for herself and giving her everything. Typically, his mother will die before he will anyway, but his son is only 1 and he has a responsiblilty that he's ignoring. If you marry him, it will be a long hard road for you and your son. Think about what's best for your son. Be strong! You can do it. Best of luck.

Hi R.,
The only thing I can say from prior experience and having had friends who were in similar situations is RUN, DON'WALK, AWAY!!!! He can take care of his mom while she's alive, but GOD willing she'll go before him and he should have his son as the beneficiary. I don't think her coming and helping him out with the baby is a big deal, it's everything else. If he hasn't cut the cord he never will. From your letter it sounds as though you're getting turned off by him already, and once you'll be married things won't be any different, if not worse. You should resent him more than his mom, he's not putting a stop to it. This is their relationship and after 32-years it'll remain this way. It's your decision to stay or go.

Think really hard, you're still young...

Hey R.,

I think the writing is on the wall!! I think you should stop blaming his mommy and realize he is just not committed to you and your son. It seems to me that you are wasting your time with this man and should truly think about investing anymore of your time in this relationship. Don't you think you and your son deserve better? Remember people treat us how we allow them to treat us. If you and your son are not his first priority then you need to make yourself and your son your first priority. I don't think you want to wake up one day still just his fiance, raising his child and being second or maybe even third in his life. Maybe leaving him will wake him up and realize his responsibility to you and his son. At this point anger is not going to solve anything accept expose your son to an unhealthy relationship. Be good to yourself and find someone who will truly love you and your child YOU DESERVE IT!!! Good luck.

Suggest that in adddition to his mother, he add your son so both are beneficiaries. This way both would be taken care of. Both of my children are beneficiaries for my policy as well as my husband's.

It sounds like you are able to make plans for your son independent of his father's support. I myself have done this, life insurance accounts and a will to plan for my child if I wasn't, God Forbid, around for him while he is a child. I also made my son the beneficiary on my accounts. He has his relationship w/ his father who is not withholding from him, he just doesn't have the financial means I do- but also for that reason, I did not marry him. I support their father son relationship and welcome the support, emotional, holidays, relationships & whatever support his family offers my child. However I knew that I needed to plan for my son. So my guess is that as you plan without your son's father being involved (you may want to consider filing for full custody-? given the lack of input from him despite his means), that he may come around but if he doesn't, you and your child be taken care of. Do you have friends & family to be supportive of you? Build that if you can start.

Blessings, C.