I Am Stepmom Under the Gun All the Time-what to Do?

Do not marry this man. It will only get worse as the kids get older. What you have now is what you will end up with. Except his kids will have kids and they will treat you the same way. Pack up and run as fast as you can. And don't use the But I love him, love isn't always enough to have a happy life.

If it were me I wouldnt marry into the family where my husband dont respect me and stand up for me. I would say until things change, I can't marry you. If he loves you as much as he says he does, he would have the talk with the kids to respect you not only as a stepmother but as an adult, they need to know that you arent their to replace their mom but that you are there as a friend to them and gonna be a wife to their dad. They are all old enough to understand and that they should respect you as a person.

S., Please do not marry him. Things will only get worse after marriage. Love is not enough, he must have respect for you and it is obvious he does not. My advise is get out quick! B. in Topeka

I am a mother of 3 adult children and 9 grandchildren. I have been married 3 times...

S.,

Sorry to tell you this, but you are asking for suggestions or advices or opinions, and I am going to be honest with you.
This is just a tip of the iceberg. If he did not stand up for you, he will not stand up for you in the future. It is true that we have to be or think positive, but this is beyond, in my opinion, of thinking positive, and this will not change later. I know you are engaged, and you both have a son together, but also he has 4 on his own. He may apologize to you, but I am not sure about what will happen again in the future. Think about it. It is your decision, but remember that at the end, we live forever with our choices, choices have consequences and results, positives and negatives.
Take care, and think about it a little bit more. Good Luck with your choices.

I don't know why I happened to read your entry because I never do and to respond to something like this is not my nature, but your situation really touched me and I hope to offer you help and support. I'm a 42 year old step mom. So I have some knoweledge of where you're coming from. You are a wonderfully made special woman who is worthy of respect. Your fiance must back you up when it come to his kids. When a couple marry, the wife should only be second after God. God loves you more than anyone or any man ever could. He wants respect, support and love for you in your life. I was in a relationship that went on for about 15 years. I was so in love with this person, but I had to start realizing that I'm worthy of respect and the fact that we had not married sooner was a sure indication that something wasn't quite right and was unhealthy and destructive about the relationship. This may no be what you want to hear, but respect yourself and your children enought to move on with your life to a place where you are celebrated. When you're around the people God wants you to be around, they will build you up and celebrate who you are, when you're with the wrong people they will make you feel pulled down and filled with strife. You're worth more, believe it yourself, have courage to move on to a man who loves you, edifies you and supports you in the way marriage was intended. Look to God for guidance and pray.

What I'm going to say is because I've been there. Not from a stand point of "I'm better than you" but from the warning ground.

If he loved and respected you he wouldn't be living with you. He would've married you years ago. If this is the life you want then what you see is what you get. That's really the only question you need to ask. Are you willing to live like this for the rest of your life?

Praying for you S..

You know S., I don't mince words, and I don't mansy-pansy around issues. So here goes, and I don't really know if you're ready to hear this...

What in Heaven's name are you doing marrying a man that treats you like this? Seriously, he has given you no respect, and allows his children to treat you disrespectfully. On top of that...he is teaching the male children it's OK to treat women badly, and teaching the female children they don't deserve to be treated well.

So what are you waiting for? Get the heck-outta-Dodge Sister!

Just apologizing isn't enough, he needs to demonstrate over a period of at least a year that he respects you.

The life you live right now is the model your children will base their lives on...is that what you want for your daughters? To "love" someone that treats them disrespectfully? To be the welcome mat for some teenager?

If you don't respect yourself and stand up for yourself, how do you expect him (or anyone else) to do it for you?

You know what you need to do, you're just waiting for someone else to say it ....

Seperate until this situation is healed, or move on !!!

Do me a favor...re-read your post, but pretend it was written by someone you love and respect. Would you encourage her to stay with a man who didn't care enough about her to demand that his kids treat her with decency and respect? We are not talking about young kids here who aren't old enough to know better. I think if you were on the outside looking in at this situation, your answers would be very clear.

There are a few things I read between the lines that I don't care to discuss publicly, but I can't get the "private message" thing to work on here, so if you'd like, you may message me and I tell you what else I see that is concerning.

If I don't hear from you, that's fine. Just know that you are being prayed for by me and lots of other moms who read your post. If you live in the K.C. area and are interested in getting involved w/a church family who could help you through your tough decisions with this matter, please feel free to contact me about my church. They have a wonderful "celebrate recovery" program for anyone who is going through or recovering from any type of personal struggle. I wish you the best no matter what choice you make, but I personally would have a hard time respecting a man who didn't raise his children to resolve issues and disagreements w/out yelling and screaming at adults. Best of luck!

Run...fast...he won't change at all because he hasn't up to now and marriage won't change him. In fact I think it will make it worse. Right now it is much easier to disentangle than it would be if you were legally married.

Repeat after me...I DESERVE BETTER...when you can say that and really mean it, then you will DEFINITELY be able to leave him. Cancel the wedding and if he won't go to counseling, try to move on. All your kids are old enough to deal with this and move on out of the house.

Hi, Well aparently you really love him or you wouldn't have been together for 6 yrs and known him for 26...that being said if he loves you like he says he does it should be instinct to stick up for you. My husband is a step father to my 14 year old and he wont even let my child talk back to me or disrespect me in any way, let alone his own children. My suggestion, having been married 3 times myself, it is a lot easier to break up than divorce. You know. I would maybe seek some sort of family counciling and tell your fiance you wont marry him until these issues are worked out. You are to be their step-mom and need to be respected! Life is to short to be miserable. There isn't any hurry to marry this guy since you have been together forever already, what is a little more time to wait to sort everything out! Hope this helps and I really hope I didn't offend you! You know us mom's have to stick together...so good luck and please let me know if you have other issue you need advice on!!

you are asking some very hard questions here. Not only do you have step kids, he has step kids, and the two of you together have an 18 year old. Yes, you have together for a long time. My question is what is marrying him going to do for you. You already have an 18 year old and the two of you already live together in a long term relationship. How will marrying him make this better or worse other than making it legal. So I am not going to answer the question about getting maried, only you can answer that one.

I am on the other hand going to ask you some hard questions about kids, step and other wise. I will be speaking from experience and from the experience of family and friends.

When the kids come into your life before your significant other, they are helpless and like all helpless babies, you do everything you can for them. They become your life, just like your kids became your life, his kids became his life. If he did not have custody of the, he was robbed of the close relationship he may have wanted as they were growing up. Whey you fight with one and then they move out of the house, he may feel as though you are coming between him and that relationship. You have to ask yourself if he put you on the spot and asked you to choose between him and your kids, what would you choose. Most women would say they would choose their kids. He may feel as though he is constantly being asked to choose between you and his children.

Now on your side of things. You feel like you have right to be respected in your own home. You feel like if he loved you he would stand up for you. You want to know that when his kids treat you badly he will come and stand at your side. The point is, they expect their dad to do the same thing for them as well. They want to know that their dad loves them and will not let you treat them badly. Any time there is an argument both sides fell the other is in the wrong, therefore his kids feel you are in the wrong.

The truth is, if what you are saying is exactly they way it happens each time. Then he is making his choice. He is choosing who he is going to support, this is where his heart is. It does not mean that he does not love you, it just means that if he has to make a choice it will be them. I am sorry, but that is what your post is telling me.

Now the answer to your question is not black and white. Do you love him enough to work it out? If so, stop asking to take you side against his kids and start asking him what he is feeling. Once you can understand what he is feeling, once he knows that you care enough to understand what he is feeling, only then can see what needs to be done. If he loves you, really loves you, he will also try to understand what you are feeling.

Men tend to love us in the way that they want to be loved back. For example, my husband gives me greeting cards, it makes his day if I give him one. Look at how he deals with your kids, his step, there may be a clue there. Good luck!

S.: Please consider seeing a counselor...your insurance or EAP will cover some initial visits...if you do not have insurance...most places offer a sliding fee scale based on income..At least get some support and third party input for yourself...A Dr. Phil quote...one can not change what they do not acknowledge.
I'll keep you in my prayers and thoughts!
Best of Luck!

I will say I have seen some bad situations with stepparents. If this is how it is when you aren't married, imagine how it will be when you are. I would think that a healthy man would tell his 21 yo son to move out by now, as he obviously doesn't have respect for his home, which includes you now. You may have heard this before, and I wouldn't say this lightly, but it sounds like you need to move on. Of course, I don't have all the details, but he should still be wooing you, in a sense. Your fiance doesn't respect you, because you haven't insisted on normal human respect. And, you don't want to keep marrying the same type of men. Many children are involved here. Apologies or not, this probably will keep happening, unless you both get into premarriage counseling now. I would think that would be the only way he can make it right at this point.

S.,
You need to think before you act. If the role was turned and you didn"t stand up for him would he stay or walk away? I think the answer is very clear I think most people would walk away from this situation. If he does not stand up for you and and back you up now he won"t after you get married either. I suggest you walk away from getting married because it will only lead to a divorce. That is not a healthy normal relationship nor will it be after you get married. I suggest till he can back you up with the kids and show you some rescpect and the kids show you resoect then you need to cancel the wedding. Rescpect is a big big issue in a relationship and a blended family and do not tolerate anything else than that. You yourself deserve that. You need to keep telling yourself that over and over to because evendiently he won"t. Think it through long and hard but really its a no brainer.

What more do you need to know?! It's not going to get any better. Do you want to have these fights for the rest of your life? Come on, you know better than this!

I agree with the women who say to get away from the man. If he raised a son like this and is accepting this behavior, do you really want him around your kids? Giving him an ultimatum is going to cause resentment and negativity on both sides.

Hi S.,

I don't think you can blame him entirely here for not respecting you. If you really respect yourself, then you wouldn't have moved in w/ him and waited around for TEN years for him to marry you. Ten years is a long time. So, with that said, respect is earned and if you're not respecting yourself, than you shouldn't expect others to also. Remember this: you teach people how to treat you. Although he should be teaching his children to be respectful, it's hard to when he is not being a proper role model himself, and your not teaching them respect either by disrespecting yourself.

I really think you need to call the wedding off and take a long hard look at yourself and the situation that you helped to create, and ask yourself exactly what you think you are worth. If you think you are worthy of being disrespected then go ahead and get married. If you think you are worth more, then call the wedding off! It won't get any better just because he apologizes and you have a ring on your finger. His children aren't going to all of a sudden change just because you two got married. They are what they are, and sadly they were raised to disrespect and that will probably never change.
I wish you happiness and good luck w/ this situation.

Since your 18 yr old was fathered by this man I would say his children have probably had issues with you for at least that long. If family counseling is not an option, try for couple counseling. Hurts and bad feelings that have been going on for almost 2 decades will not magically go away with a wedding ceremony. He apparently did not show either you or his previous wife respect at that time and that has not changed over the years -- that also will not resolve itself magically.

I learned early in my marriage that making threats I was not fully willing to follow through with only hurt my cause. If you say you will leave him you must be completely committed to following through or he will see through you and know it is only an empty threat. Try to step back and decide if you are willing to spend the rest of your life like this because unless he becomes really committed to changing things it won't get better - probably worse. Change is always difficult but it can be done if BOTH people want it badly enough. Do you? Does he?

Good luck to you with whatever you decide.
S.

What a horrible way to begin married life! It sounds as if you are always the one giving in, overlooking, trying to get along. You don't say what any of the arguments with his kids are about but at any rate, adults should be respected in their homes. I say you love your fiancee but I would be very cautious. It won't get better after you get married!! It sounds like your family needs counseling, but I'll bet your fiancee won't want to do that.

Get out now. Don't get married to this man. If you haven't learned by now that he does not respect you, then you need to wake up and smell the coffee! First of all, why is a 21 year old that can't stand you doing living at home? Does he have a job or go to school? Do you depend on this man for your livlihood? If you were honest with yourself, does this man really treat you well or does he use you as a doormat? I'm sorry to be so blunt but I would rather see you single and happy as married and stuck.

Hello S.,
I really sympathize with your situation....I really do. I grew up in a very similar situation (my mom remarried a man with 4 children). My step-siblings did not take well to her and it created a very stressful environment for our family for at least a decade. My mom and step-dad ended up in counseling shortly after they got married. My bottom line advice is to postpone the wedding until these issues are resolved. It seems like you both need more time. I am sure your fiance loves you, but, he does not seem to respect your wishes for your family. I know it seems hard to postpone a wedding after all that planning, but, in the long run, wouldn't you rather be sure? I hate to see you taking this all on yourself. You and your fiance should be working as a team and I would like to see you get there before you decide to spend the rest of your lives together. GOOD LUCK and I hope you both find the answers you need.

I know this is easier said than done, but my advice is to get out while you can. I see nothing but trouble and heartache in a marriage where one partner does not respect (and even laughs at) the other one's feelings. I fear that this will carry over into other areas and that you will eventually end up feeling resentful and alone. I know you've spent a lot of years with this man and it's hard to think of being without him, especially when you love him, but as Dr. Phil would say, "the only thing worse than being in a bad relationship for 10 years is being in a bad relationship for 10 years and 1 day."

I'm sorry I can't be more positive, I just hate to see your feelings discarded and dismissed so easily. That worries me about him.

J.

So I guess my question is, what is your motive in getting married?? Is this about money, becuase if it is, you will be a slave to your spouse, not a partner in this marriage. You can always make money on your own, but you can't get your freedom and independence back easily once you're married. If this is about companionship, you can always find someone else, whether it be male or female, to be by your side.

If you are questioning this marriage now, I think it is a HUGE sign that you should postpone or cancel your ceremony. See a qualified marriage counselor to help you clear your head about this matter. Think BEFORE you leap!

In this situation no one can really tell you what is best for you. However, keep in mind that if he wont enforce his kids being respectful of you, what makes you think he will be respectful of you? I would definitely stand up for yourself on this one, whether you call off or postpone the wedding is only something you can decide. If you dont stand up for yourself, no one else will. Good luck!

S., you already know the answer to this question. Are you afraid that you won't find someone else? Do you really think so little of yourself that you would want to live with this day in and day out? What ARE you thinking? Run, don't walk away. Lipservice is all you are getting, my friend and you know it. If he really honored and respected and loved you then NONE of this would be an issue. Call the wedding off unless you want to continue living in this toxic situation for the rest of your life...If he REALLY loves you, he'll come to his senses. And even if he does come to his senses, I would recommend stalling the wedding for awhile to make sure he keeps his senses! Easy to get married, hard to get divorced! Save the lawyer fees and go on a nice cruise by yourself.

S.,
My advice is leave him. If you do not get along now it will only get worse after you are married. As far as the kids go, if he hasn't stood up for you yet he never will. His kids are more important to him and always will be. I really hated this saying when I first heard it, but now I really like it "If you can't find happiness here, please go find it somewhere else." If you are not happy you need to go find your happiness, you deserve to be happy. Sometimes people stay together for the wrong reasons, because you've been together for a long time, or known each other for a long time, or you have a kid together is not a good reason to get married or stay together. Ask your 18 year old what (s)he thinks. I told my parents when I was 10 they should get a divorce, they didn't listen, that was 22 years ago, and I still think I was right, because they are still arguing all the time, and my Dad still brings my Mom down. My Mom is just afraid to be alone. That is no reason to stay with someone. I would like to also add that I have been with my husband for 9 years and married for 6 years, the first 5 years were a bit ruff with my in-laws, they just didn't like me or respect me because of reasons unknown to me. I kept telling my husband that he needed to stand up for me and his answer was they treat you better than they treat me. So one day, I blew up, and they said something to my husband about it and he said "she is my wife, I love her and what she says goes, we are leaving." Ever since then they have treated me with nothing but respect, and they treat him a lot better too, they still favor his brothers, but it is so much better. You need to leave, if you have stood up for yourself and nothing has changed it never will. Anyway good luck!
M.

I'd say it's time to cancel the wedding for good. If you and the kids can't get along and your husband isn't willing to attempt to negotiate a peace, you're going to have constant struggles, especially with the 21 year old still living at home. It sounds to me like you can't really just ignore this thing, and a forced apology only breeds resentment and will make things worse, not better. I'd cancel the wedding, move out, and either move on or, if he is willing, back *waaaay* off and get counseling. This is a really big issue, and if it can be resolved, it will take two willing people (actually more since the kids are involved) to resolve it.

I know this may sound harsh, but I am a step mom, who not only doesn't get a lot of respect from my step daughters I deal with the ex alot, it is not always good to say the least. My husband also does not want to deal with any of the issues and at times thinks I am blowing it out of proportion that I should have a say or be respected. However, our 22 year old- when she was 18 wrote on my truck- that was the last time something of that nature happened. Neither of them get in my face as yours did. For yourself, as much as the family you want to have, you have to stand up for yourself- especially if he will not. If you back down now, as you say you have been turning the other cheek, it will get nothing but worse and you will never be respected or a legitimate part of the family. I do not want to tell you how to handle it, but I would advize that you put your proverbial foot down for YOU. You deserve better than that.
I hope it all works out for the best, even if that is a different best than you think it might be, and you are happy and healthy.
Have a great day.

Hi S.! I would advise that you postpone the wedding for at least a year (based on the kids' ages, all of the kids will either be in college or on their own so daily contact/confrontation will be less of an issue). If your husband to be does not begin to support you emotionally when it comes to the children, then I would suggest not getting married at all. You should be his first love. The children should be second. Good luck! K.

I agree with the rest. I'm also a step mom and know about that "he doesn't back me up" thing. Leave now before you are married and divorced again.

You probably won't like my answer to your question, but if you heard things all your life that you liked, you'd never grow.
I came from a mixed home. I absolutely hated the man my mother married. I can tell you now, even though all your kids are grown, if any of his kids have issues with you or you with them, it may only resolve temporarily but eventually things will get worse.
As for him not standing up for you, if he doesn't do it before you're married, he NEVER will after you're married. I don't think you should give him an ultimatum to appologize or not get married because chances are, he will apologize but never mean it. If he really loved and respected you, this would not be an issue at all. He would just let his children know that you are here to stay and that they can either learn to respect you or live elsewhere. Of course his children don't respect you. Why should they when they don't see their father doing so?
This will not be an easy decision for you, and you can get all the advice that's available but it comes down to you and is ultimately your decision.

If I were in your shoes I would not marry this man. He does not respect you at all, and does not require the kids to either. That is a bad mix. You will never change him. You have been hanging around him for 26 years now and he has not married you yet. That says something. When a man loves you, he cares about your feelings and your well being, and respects you. He wants what is best for you. Sounds like you are going to be wondering what in the hell you did come November 2nd, right after the happiness of the wedding day fades away. I would run, and run fast!

Do you care about yourself at all? Get out. Get out now.
This man has no respect or regard for YOU. At this stage
of the game things are not going to change and if you marry
him you are making the biggest mistake of your life.
Seriously, this guy thinks that your request for basic respect
from HIS children is a joke? Really? Is that what you want
for yourself for the rest of your life?
Don't you think you deserve better than that?

If this is how you are treated before the wedding .... when most people are on their best behavior ..... I shudder to think of your life after the marriage.
My goodness girl ! What are you waiting for ? Run, not walk, to the exit !
You are worth more than that ! You deserve better !

Turn the other way and run!!!!! If he isn't going to back you up now then he is never going to back you up for anything. His children, no matter what their ages should respect you and if they refuse to then they should be polite to you when around you. Since your child together is 18 now, your fiance is no longer responsible for that child. So there is no reason for you to hang on to this man who obviously doesn't respect you either. He may say he loves you, but part of love is to respect and honor. He isn't doing that and probably never will. Leave now while you still can. Good luck and God Bless.

I really feel for you, especially since my ex and I had a lot of the same issues. The blended family is not easy!

My first question was why is this 21 year old still living at home? He was old enough to be out on his own a couple of years ago and certainly sounds like that's where he needs to be now! Sometimes we are so deep in a situation we can't see the very plain facts, such as the audacity of a 21 year old MAN getting up in the face of ANY woman and acting a fool like your boyfriend's son has done. Yes, 21 years old is a MAN and from what you've described he has committed what would have been considered battery in the eyes of the law.

As for your fiance, well - any man who would allow the woman in his life to be treated that way by ANY other man is probably not worth his salt. If he has no more respect for you than that, then what is he doing in your home?

I know, I know... its much easier said than done! I know that very well from personal experience. But in the long run, I can't see how any marriage could work without the basic foundation of respect that you need on the day to day - especially when you're dealing with blended family issues!

My current husband and I also have a blended family but his children are older and living with their mother. Still, he demands respect for me as his wife from everybody - particularly from his children. I'm so thankful for him and SO thankful not to be in a relationship with someone like my ex any more - he was like your man, always took his kid's side, was terribly disrespectful of me, etc.. I eventually found out he was a cheater, which is typical of someone with so little respect for the woman they supposedly love.

And just think - your oldest is already 18 years old! You're just inches away from being footloose and fancy free!!

In the end, all answers come from God and prayer is the only way to find any real guidance. God bless you and your family.

Personally I would not want to get married under those circumstances. Would your fiance consider counseling with you? It's not right to put the kids before you all the time.

Dear S.,

You do not need our advice as you have already seen all of the red flags for yourself. If you go through with the wedding, you already know what your life will be like. There is no magical change on the wedding day. The writing is truly on the wall. Please read it.

Also, remember when your kids were little and you MADE them apologize? Yeah, a forced apology is no apology at all.

S.,

I think you will receive a lot of advice on how to "handle" this and the overwhelming consensus will be for you to "move on". Easier said then done right? Otherwise why would you have spent so many years of your life with a man who obviously has no respect for you or your feelings?

You know in your heart and in your mind what needs to be done - or you would not have posed this question today.

Let me ask you something - is this the way you want your children to believe a relationship should be? That it is acceptable for one partner in a relationship to behave as he has?

Is the stress between he and you only about the kids, or are there other underlaying things that are happening? One day the kids will move out (hopefully) and be on their own, but they will always be his children. When this happens what will there be left between the two of you? Is it good or is it not so good? If it's not so good, look ahead and see if this is really how you want to spend the rest of your life.

There is always couples therapy (hopefully before the I do's), and even if he won't go - just a thought - maybe you should find someone to talk to - Maybe if you can just believe you are better then the situation you have let yourself fall into, it will be easier to "do the right thing" for yourself! (what ever that may be)

Good Luck - and remember he IS NOT THE ONLY MAN IN THE WORLD!

Wow. Well, in my opinion, you shouldn't be treated with disrespect and no matter how old children are they need to respect their parents and steps. I assume that your children treat him with respect? I hope so if you are asking the same of his. It is also very disrespectful of him to allow his children to yell at you. And what is that teaching them? That it's okay to walk allover women? That we're weak and we probably deserve it? Basically what it boils down to is that you're a human being that deserves respect. You should not live with someone who does not treat you as such. I would not marry a man when i know nothing is ever going to change. That's my opinion. Make your own decisions for you. It's hard not to be afraid of the unknown, but put that out of your mind and concentrate on what you know. The disrespect and sadness in your life now and probably forever if you marry him.

I am truly sorry that you have to go through that kind of incident with anyone much less a future step son. You have written a long paragraph, but to judge your whole relationship on it would be somewhat unfair.

The question I think, you have to ask yourself is, does this man respect you? It doesn't sound like it to me. You may indeed love him with your whole heart, but if he doesn't respect you, he doesn't love you.

I'll repeat a couple of cliches, but I think they are appropriate here - actions speak louder than words - people don't change.

This is hard, I don't know if you are living together or the circumstances of having the 18 year old together when you say you've only been heavily involved with him for 10 years. My advice is to move out and continue your relationship on a more conventional level and see how the kids treat you. The wedding is only going to make things more explosive at this point. It sounds to me like his 21 year old should be moved out by now, we tried to make it clear to our kids that they should live on their own if they are not going to school.
I think if you get further away from the situation you will see in your heart what you really need to do. I would put the wedding off for awhile.

His kids are adults in their own right. Stop thinking of them as your step-kids. They are not, they are adults, and you are the one is coming into "their world" and marrying their father. You should be working it out with them, as an adult, not telling your fiancee to treat them as children and order them to apologize, even if he did, it would not solve these issues. What do you think getting him to force his kid to apologize is going to accomplish? He doesn't "let" a 21 year old do anything. The 21 year old is an adult who makes his own decisions as to his behavior.

HOw would calling of your wedding to his father, force his son to apologize? If he doesn't like you, you calling off the wedding is a "win" for him. And calling it off until an adult forces another adult to apologize is kinda silly, and punishing the wrong person.

wow, I dont know if congrats are in order or not. I hear one side of the story yours. So it is hard to base an honest opinion on that, However, remember if you always do what you have always done you will always get what you have always gotten. So I guess if you are questioning getting married I would call a family gathering and fess your feelings. You cant live in harmony all of the time but you also have to pick the battles worth fighting about. A parent cannot choose a child over a parent and vice versa. I really think some family couseling would help all of you and the kids in there future relationship. So just do this without delay before to much damage is done. We have one life and since you and future are the adults please lead by example. Remember that mixed familys all around the world can make it you just need the right help in getting you all so everyone knows boundaries. To say dont get married is not for anyone but you to make. I pray you will consider if it is worth saving the love then find a way. Good luck,

Run for the hills! He will not change. After you have the "I do", he will tell you that you knew what you were getting into.

I would get out now. If he does not respect you now, he never will.

HE IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE AND YOU CAN'T MAKE HIM DO IT...HE HAS TO WANT TO DO IT ON HIS OWN...

IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU KNOW THIS ALREADY...

Things will only get worse after you get married- and it is MUCH more expensive to get out of than get in to...

I fully understand that you love him, however your soon to be stepson has learned how to act from watching his father. If you are content living that way for the rest of your life- say I DO...You are the only person that can make you happy- you are responsible for you and you alone- if you depend on him for your happiness, you will be waiting for a long time.

You will gain more respect from people and yourself in the long run for standing up for yourself and standing for what is right. DO NOT GIVE IN - STAND FOR YOUR PRINCIPLES & INTEGRITY... There are a ton of men out there that are willing to treat you with the love and respect that you deserve...

A little background on me:
Married for 9 1/2 years- together for 13
have 1 son- 6 yrs old
was a police officer for 10 years, now SAHM and WAHM
Have had plenty of issue with my in laws at the beginning, however when my husband did stand up and support me- things are great...but he had to be willing, not forced.

Good luck- remember- you are the only one who can make you happy. Ask yourself- what would you do if your kids did to him, what his do to you? They probably would not- YOU ARE THEIR EXAMPLE...If one of your kids is a daughter- would you allow ANYONE to treat her the way you are being treated? MY GUESS IS HECK NO...

Until he apologizes? Is that ALL you want? You really don't think things need to change... just a "sorry" will do?
What if he doesn't apologize, or he's insincere? Will you continue living with him unmarried? If so, what do you think that says to him about you?
Be honest with yourself: what are you willing to sacrifice to get the love and respect you want?
You live together, which means your home should belong to both of you, but he does not feel it necessary that you agree (or at least come to a compromise) on whether his adult son lives with you? It sounds like he thinks of you as a renter or a roommate, rather than a partner. That's a big issue that needs to be handled ASAP.
Matrimony alone will NOT solve these issues. Counseling has been suggested by others, and I agree that it seems necessary here--and if he won't go with you, then go alone.
A husband is to love and protect. That means that he needs to stand up for you, even if it means a confrontation with his own kids. If he isn't doing it now, will he be willing to do it once you're married?
Yes, your fiance's children are old enough that he can't really tell them what to do anymore--but he CAN make it clear to them that he will not put up with disrespect (after all, in disrespecting you, they are also showing disrespect for HIM--something he may not realize).
In the end, whether you decide to get married or not, to separate for a while, or to break off the relationship, are choices only YOU can make.
I truly hope it all works out for you.
--A.

my husband and i attended some counsling to help deal with step issues (mainly how dad cn set some boundaries). "step family resources" is the group we went to. it helped open up some dialogue between my husband and i.

It looks like you have plenty of advise already. I didnt' take the time to read it all but I would say RUN don't walk! Please now that you are strong by yourself and you don't need a man to have an incredible life! I promise you won't be sorry! I am currently happily married but I wouldn't be if I didn't have the respect and love that I felt I deserve. Good luck! I'll be praying for your strength and courage!!

it's not a good sign he does not ask for simple respect from his son for you. even if he can't ask his kids from other marriage to treat you like their mom (you are not) they need to learn to respect adults. at this age ( guessing he is around yours) HE WILL NOT BE CHANGING most likely. I have a spouse and I wish to God I had known how he would be around kids before we had them..we have rough times with the way he treats our 3 and 5 yo child. I don't like his parenting style. I would be grateful to be in your shoes to some degree to have an idea how he is going to parent. this cannot be easy thing to know, someone you are serious about for years and years, or cut and run. I feel for you having to decide. but in my view this guy is probably on his best behvior right now before marrying you. if you can't take that, then maybe it's time to push out the wedding and get you two to a counseler...if he is averse to that, maybe some premarital counseling via church or pastor...or premarital weekend..I know some are not catholic but catholic church does this thing very well (am not catholic, personallY). suggest a male counseler. hubby to be may listen more.

well, he needs to grow a pair and stand up for you. just stick to your guns; this isn't acceptable and don't put up with it. explain how much this bothers you and if he can't help with his kids and help teach them to respect you than some serious lifestyle changes will need to be made. but there may be no point in calling off the wedding if you still plan to stay with him....i'd enforce some sort of "time out" policy. if he can't get it under control, or at least make a consistent effort, the wedding is pushed back x amount of time until he does. good luck.

Hi, S.. I do think that whichever kids live with you need to show you respect. That is a basic problem with society today. In no way, should you be treated that way, and if your fiance does not see that, then he has a problem that needs to be dealt with. I think your fiance needs to sit down with you and you both need to map out the discipline plan for the family. You need to be on the same page about this, since there are so many kids involved. Until you feel comfortable and safe being around his kids, you should not be around them. It seems the kids are all older and should be leaving the house soon, except the 17 year old. Think about this too, when making your decision to end the relationship. Maybe your fiance doesn't like confrontation with his kids. Whatever the case may be, it needs to be dealt with and resolved before the wedding. Good Luck and God bless.

Hi S.,

I see a lot of moms telling you to run...

Well, a lot of ladies do this all too often today, tearing apart families waiting around for a perfect man that doesn't exist. We are emotional creatures and personally I think up and leaving this family after so long would be a mistake.

Please, you have a family, don't tear it apart now after so long.

How many men will you run from before you realize nobody is perfect. Not even you are perfect, nobody is. Love is a crazy thing, and it means you will put up with a lot of sh** if you love someone enough. My husband isn't perfect for sure, but I will always love him enough to put up the imperfections.

I'm not saying keep your mouth shut about your feelings. Tell your man how you feel and that you even considered calling the wedding off over all of this because your scared (but assure him you would never do that because you love him with all your heart!). See how he is feeling too, his feelings are just as important. What is his reason after all that he doesn't stand up for you. Does he not want you to mother his children that are not yours biologically. You have to realize he is in a situation where he has to take sides between two people he loves very dearly... the woman he wants to marry and be with, and his own child and children!! I'm sure that isn't easy to do. Maybe that is why he stays out of it.

Look at the good things about this man. He doesn't beat you, does he? Does he support you? Does he love you? Can you live with the imperfections? Will his imperfections harm you if you don't get away? (probably not) Everyone fights, and even for my family, sometimes we have more downs than ups, but it always gets better and we always work it out... and that shows the kids how relationships should be too, you should always work it out.

In my opinion, when you start a serious relationship, you are adding to your family.... would you just up and run away from your mom? your sister? your brother? your father? if you got into it? you would probably work it out, right? This man is family to you, don't forget about it over something like this.

You are getting married soon, congratulations! Please go work things out with your man, he is the closest family to you :) Even when he drives you nuts.

My husband and I fought the night before our wedding... it was probably one of our worst fights without the cops involved (yes I have called the cops on him a few times when he throws things around the house!) ...but we realized after we worked it out the next morning and married anyway, that we would always be there for each other. If we can fight THAT BAD and still get married, we knew we would be together forever.

***added a few minutes later:

I just wanted to add that we are celebrating our 2 year anniversary in November... and things only GET BETTER when you work things out and communicate feelings. If you guys cant do that then get counceling before tearing your family apart.

Also, I continued reading the rest of your responses, and I am APPALLED at how many women run away from relationships over and over...... and they ask questions like "is this what you want for your kids????" HOW IS THAT GOOD FOR YOUR KIDS to run away from your problems?? You should be teaching your children to work out problems with family rather than run away. What is that going to do... get you into another relationship you will run from when things get bad?

Also, these are mostly adults, not children... so I agree with Julie's response far below that these won't be your step children and they are adults treating you this way... put yourself in your man's shoes. You are asking him to choose you over his own grown children. I can only imagine all the pressure on both of you right now with a 21-yr-old adult expecting his father to stand by him, while you expect him to stand by you... imagine that pressure on your husband-to-be. You should really work things out. Please don't listen to these women who have ran from many relationships over and over waiting around for something that doesn't exist. YOu have a family. God first, then family... then yourself! Pray and ask God what you should do.