I was in the process of getting DD down for bed. She tends to dawdle a lot at bedtime and tries to stall any way she can. We have a routine in place that works well but it takes all of my patience to get her to stay on track. Tonight we had already gotten her pajamas on, teeth brushed, and I was in bed with her reading stories (she gets 3). We had already read one and I had started reading the second when she decided to lay down across my back rather than sit up to see the pictures. I asked her to sit up and she said no, she wanted to lay down. So I said fine, but then mid-way through, she realizes that she has missed seeing a bunch of pages and wants me to start the book all over again.
I told her no way, she had her chance to see everything before, she decided to lay down instead, and I was not starting the story all over again. She started to whine and cry and beg for me to start over, and again I said no. She kept up with the pestering and finally I told her I had already said no and if she asked again, story time was done. She didn't listen and so I said then that's it, no more stories, lights out. Then she really starts to scream and cry, and yell that she's sorry, and please just read the story, and she wants Daddy.
So Dad, who's been sitting downstairs this whole time watching TV, comes charging upstairs, asking what the problem is NOW. Because according to him, "every night" DD is having some kind of meltdown and crying about something and it's my fault for dragging the bedtime routine out too much by being on the computer while she's supposed to be doing what she can do on her own to get ready for bed (jammies on, teeth brushed). And I tried to tell him what really happened - that DD was not listening and not behaving herself and has been warned and now I am following through. And that this does not happen "every night" - most nights are fine, but bedtime seems to be when DD really wants to push my buttons the most and I am not going to tolerate it any more. I told him he needs to back me up more and realize that we can't just keep threatening consequences, we need to actually follow through - DD has her worst tantrums when the consequence actually happens and I am tired of always giving her second chances because she is never going to learn if we keep this up. But he kept insisting that my spending some time on the computer while DD is getting ready is what caused all the problems. And during the few times that he's the one putting DD to bed, she doesn't give him such a hard time because he sticks with the routine. Usually it's 30 to 40 minutes for me, but according to him, it only takes him 15 minutes while it takes me an hour because I am on the computer - so NOT true! He also said a number of things that were either untrue or greatly exaggerated, like saying DD is "never" in bed before 10 pm when in fact I always take her upstairs right at 8 pm, which peeved me off further.
I am so angry with him right now - he acted like a total jerk and wouldn't listen to anything I was trying to explain to him. He kept saying that I was the one not listening to him, when really, he was making unfair accusations and expecting me to just agree with him. I ended up walking out of the house and going for a walk, I was so upset...and I didn't want us to keep yelling at each other when it was clear we weren't resolving anything. So I am back in the house now, DD is asleep, he's watching TV still, and I am on here, not talking to him. I don't even know where to begin. I realize I am probably venting right now more than anything but can anyone tell me how they would handle this? I did tell him that if he wanted to be in charge of the bedtime routine every night, he could do it, seeing as he is apparently so good at it and I just suck!
So we talked it over...apparently he still thinks that my going on the computer is what is causing all the trouble, and I said fine, then I won't, but she also pushes my buttons a lot more with me than with him. Also turns out on the few occasions he's put her to bed, he only reads her 2 stories and she's fine with that, but then expects 3 from me. I kept telling him that he could just be in charge of bedtime for a while then since everything seemed to go so smoothly for him all the time, and he thinks what we should do is just alternate nights and take turns. Which I am fine with, but it will be interesting when he tries to get her to bed when I am actually in the house, instead of being out. I agree that bedtime should be pleasant, and I want it to be, but at the same time, at the end of the day, I am tired, and DD can easily drag out the routine for an hour if she wants to. She's the type where if you give in on something once, she will expect it every time and then everything seems to unravel and it's harder for me to set limits later - the "just 5 minutes" of reading another story easily turns into more requests and then she doesn't understand why I said yes earlier and now I have to start saying no. But there is no way I would not have bedtime stories every night - it's our 20 minutes of reading together at bed time (and nap time too) that is helping turn her into a kid that loves to read! Thanks for all the words of wisdom and support!
This is not a good scenario.
Child pushes buttons and parents end up fighting over it.
Kids don't like their parents fighting, but it's a great way to deflect from what they should be doing. Sometimes they are better at redirecting than the adults are.
I suggest that neither of you were listening to the other. This is apparently an emotionally charged topic for both of you. Negative feelings have been building up over time. I urge you to save discussions that end up in yelling matches for another time when you're calm. Once you realize that you're getting no where but angry call for a time out.
Then focus on working together to find a solution. How to Talk so Children Will Listen and Listen so Children will Talk by Adele Faber and Fran Mazslich could help the two of you learn how to relate with each other while creating less anger. I also recommend the book Non-violent Communication. How we speak greatly affects the others ability to hear.
He attacked you and so you didn't listen to come to an understanding. You attacked him and so he wasn't able to hear, either. The fight was on. Work at dealing with issues early on so that the emotions don't build up. Discuss expectations and make plans ahead of time.
I can see both sides in this argument. At 3 your daughter is just learning how to manage her body. I suggest that she didn't realize that she wouldn't be seeing the pictures. I've often had my grandchildren and earlier my daughter ask to go back and see earlier pictures. I go back and quickly show them. This is a reasonable request. And......it's important to pick your battles. Why not spend an extra 5 minutes making bed time pleasant?
You are on the computer instead of interacting with your daughter during getting ready to bed. I suggest that is part of the reason that you're having difficulty getting her to settle down. She needs your undivided attention with both of you focusing on getting her relaxed and into bed.
It sounds like you don't enjoy bedtime. Your daughter feels that and will act out. She needs a calm and pleasant 20-30 minutes before lights out.
So, it might be best for your husband to do bedtime. Not because he's "so good at it" but because he doesn't realize how difficult getting her to bed can be and because he may be able to take a different tact and be more successful. Parenting is not a competition. It's about using the best traits of both parents while co-operating with each other.
After your SWH: Sounds like you could use some parenting tips, here. You cannot prevent meltdowns by being inflexible. You can decide ahead of time to allow her one request. Then if she takes advantage of that treat her meltdown as you would a temper tantrum. Walk out of the room and ignore her.
Yes, this will be difficult and she will, at first, scream and fight. But if you're consistent she will learn that you are not going to give in and you're not going to give her attention and she will stop. She will test you on this from time to time but I suggest that after a couple of nights with you ignoring her she will stop.
As how to handle it when it's Dad's turn and you're in the house and vice versa, agree to not get involved when it's the other parent's turn. Talk about it later out of the hearing of your daughter. It's best to never argue in front of a child. It causes her to be anxious and less able to do as told.
It sounds like you are both really tired! I hope this discourse did not happen in front of your daughter, if it did, next time move it to another location bc she definitely doesn't need to realize that she is dividing and conquering!! Plus kids don't need to see parents have big fights in my opinion. Sorry, not trying to get off point here, it really sounds like a big blow out over something minor so I think you must both just be on edge. When you calm down go talk to him. Maybe bed time could be made smoother, maybe you can both agree on which nights he will do it and which nights you will do it, maybe you can just talk about how to get her in bed and sleeping with less fuss from everyone. Really try to listen, that will cause things to simmer down. If you go mad and looking for an apology, it won't go well. If you go wanting to resolve things and willing to hear him out, you will very likely get an apology and might end up giving one as well. You can of course chalk it up to everyone being tired, cranky and whiny (not just DD), it happens to all of us, and just let it go. Wish you the best!!
i have had those same conversations :) you have a few options, and you have already gotten some good advice too. A. you can insist husband puts DD to bed from now on (not likely to happen because the first time that he sees she isn't all sunshine and roses at bedtime, he will likely lose his temper and then the REAL fight will start) - plus if it's like my hubby he can be REAL handy with the advice and "theory" until it's time to put it to practical use and then he sees his "theories" go right out the window. or B. you can sit down with hubby and problem solve this situation, and come up with a solution together. he may surprise you. or he may not lol. or C. it may be easier (and i might get bashed from the women's liberation front) to just put your foot down with DD and make YOUR bedtime routine with her better, by being firmer. my son is 5 and has ALWAYS stalled at bedtime. and like someone said, i don't mind admitting, i dread it most of the time. i am a big fan of sleep, and by the end of the day i am TIRED too, and all i want is to get him to bed so that i can go to bed. so aside from the cuddling and books, i don't have much patience for the rest. but i have had to put my foot down and be mean mommy many times. once she sees you mean business (and you can't give in - ever!) it will lessen. probably not STOP, but lessen. good luck.
Sounds like an argument my husband and I had recently regarding our 10-year old! She likes to push boundaries and is a Daddy's Girl. He can't bear to see her cry. Whatever.
I would let him do it from now on. Yes, as one of the posters said, let him see it through the "honeymoon" phase where she listens because of the novelty of daddy doing it. Then when she gets tough, he can sympathize with you.
I recently had to do this regarding my daughter getting ready in the mornings. I have to basically STAND over her or she won't do what she needs to do. And she's not 3, she's 10! And if she's not ready, my husband blames ME because I didn't "watch her close enough."
So I told him that HE can make sure she's ready in the morning. Haha, took him ONE day to get sick of it! He kept asking me if she was like this for me, and I had to just hide a smile and nod my head. He was worse than me in yelling at her (and he gets mad at me if I get upset at all) and then he was mad because he didn't get a chance to shower or do anything he wanted to do in the morning. Welcome to my world!
So let your anger cool and then let your DH handle the bedtime routine. That gives you a chance to relax anyway! Don't forget to hide your smiles and try NOT to say "I told you so!"
I am so sorry! You did the right thing. He wasn't listening and he had his own agenda and resentments about you being on the computer at bedtime etc. Its not your problem, its his. He just doesn't see it yet. When you both are calm, tell him how you feel and that he better back u up next time or he should stay out of the room. He broke the routine by coming in and so he is very much a part of the problem. GL and hang in there!
M
I love Marda P's response. Here are some additional thoughts:
Scenarios happen like this when I am overtired. A child's bedtime is set for the child and for the adult.. If you are overtired, perhaps your child's bedtime should be earlier so that you can get the rest you need.
If you are a SAHM, many dads have the responsibility to do bedtime duty just for the contact time with the child. If you both work, just out of fairness to all, you should take turns. Realize when you are too tired to do the shift, and see if your spouse is better able to handle it that night.
And with all of that said, one last mention. Take a deep breath. I know your letter is on another issue, but I can't help myself. So: warning. The following info is something I noticed and feel compelled to say.
As an English teacher, my nighttime readings are not only meant for snuggles but also early, important steps for literacy. Again, starting earlier is important. If the family was doing something where all of you were out late, then that determines the number of stories for the evening. Otherwise, I read for cuddle time and literacy time. I know that's a tall order of a tired parent--trust me my kid has tried my patience at bedtime--but with this in mind, I adjust the bedroom routine to accommodate this vital purpose.
Looking at the pictures is an important step for learning to read. It engages them with the idea that we create pictures in our minds as we read. She realized she missed seeing the pictures--and now she couldn't visualize the story as well anymore due to having missed some pages. If my daughter has a question to ask about the story--and at five, she often has multiple questions and we have 10-15 minute conversations about some of these story-related issues-- I let her ask because I know that she is engaged with the text, is thinking about it, and is doing EXACTLY what my struggling high schoolers now need to practice since they have not had the opportunities to internalize the reading process when they first began to read. Having them learn the process now is sooooooo important. Parents are the first reading teachers. Okay, breathe out.
I hope things have resolved themselves by this point. Take care, and have a good night.
Sounds like you have some great advice and a solution on hand. I know there are moms out there who adore the bedtime routine and ritual. I feel guilty saying it, but I am not that mom. I hate it. I hate the fight to get our three year old down. I hate filling water cups. I hate the routine. I LOVE snuggling with my kiddos and story time and I love chats in the dark with my six year old. BUt I could do without the rest. So I break it up, so it's not all at once right before bed and there is less chance of dawdling. After we are done eating for the night, the kids brush their teeth. Even at six, this is supervised activity. My BIL is our dentist and says that most kids can't properly do this job without supervision until they are 8. I no longer have to physically do it, but I do have to remind my son to brush the whole 2 minutes and remind him of spots he may miss. And he can't floss by himself, I have to do that (sadly, I am guilty of no doing that chore daily like i should). Shortly after teeth are brushed, it's jammie time. I have started having the kids fill their water cups in the a.m. and leaving them int he fridge. Not only is water easily accessible throughout the day, but it's usually ready to go at night. That way when the bedtime routine is started at 7:30/8, those tasks are done and it's just a potty break and into bed. We also weaned our kids down to two stories at night. As they got older, the stories seem to get longer and more involved. We warned them at dinner and throughout the day that our book ritual was changing and stuck to it, even when there was some upset over it. Now our routine is whittled down to the "fun" parts and it's not nearly as stressful for this mama. Hang in there. Try letting Daddy do it for a while. I imagine he'll learn rather quickly it isn't as easy as he seems to think. Hang in there mama!
It's his turn to put her to bed from now on. He will get a honeymoon phase for at least a couple of weeks so he needs to do it constantly for at least 2 weeks or three if she doesn't revert back to her normal behavior. If she does not revert back then he needs to be the one to do it from now on. In my house, hubby puts kids to bed. It works better that way for us.
Boy can I relate to you!! My husband and I have similar run-ins regarding our 3 1/2 year old son.
By the way our kids have gone to the same bedtime training camp apparently, our bedtime routine is similar and its also a time when my son loves to test every rule and boundary. I always figure he's just getting a few more hoorahs in before he has to spend 10 hours not saying no or whining about anything :)
In our house, what helps is that my job actually involves kids, development, and behavior management so despite our heat-of-the-moment issues, in general my husband defers to me. BUT, what I find is that I have to talk to him about when we're not both frustrated with our son and each other. So for you I'm wondering if, at a time when you are both calm and happy, you could say honey, I think we need to get on the same page a little more for DD's discipline so that it works better for her. You are absolutely right that following through on threats is really important. What I always tell my husband is that, as hard as it is, discipline has to come down to cause and effect, not emotion. So even though you're boiling mad at your DD for whining or saying no or throwing a fit, the only message she needs to get is when I do this, that happens. Period. So when your husband comes and undermines you, it messes with that. So maybe you could put it in the context of what is good for her and that may help him see it?
I know partly you're just pissed at him, and I would be too!! This is a generalization, but in my house and in most other families I know well, the mom does like 90% of the disciplining because the mom does like 90% of the actual care-taking and those are the moments when kids don't want to cooperate. So when Dad decides to take his head out of his...TV show...to drop his two cents into the mix, its infuriating.
I know for me, some of my anger in those moments goes beyond the situation at hand. Its frustrating when you do most of the work and instead of appreciating everything you do to make the family's world go round, he tells you you're actually not doing enough!
Having him be in charge of the bedtime routine for a week or so could help, but I would say you should lay some ground rules so that your DD has consistency and so that your husband has to do the work of holding her to the same standard as you do. If she's supposed to be putting on her PJs and brushing her teeth by herself, he can't just start helping her and then say, see, she's easy! And for her sake, she can't become a pawn in the game of which parent produces fewer fits (I know YOU'RE not looking at it that way, but I think Daddies do sometimes!).
Good luck and hang in there! Your DD is lucky to have such a committed, firm parent who is willing to do the hard work!!!
LOL, let him put her to bed...but honestly one more story would not have hurt. If you told her up front that you would only read 3 and that's it then you could instill the consequence thing.
Oh well you are probably calmed down by now. Go give your husband a kiss....c'mon I know you can do it, lol...
Hope you were able to get that out your system!
Oh mama, she sounds just like my daughter...smart! Have you and your husband tried putting her to bed together? He's watching tv but you're not suppossed to grab a few mins on the computer? Its easy to place blame as an outside observer. These scenarios play out from time to time and are perfectly normal. You and your husband have to show her a united front so that she sees there is no wiggle room. You did the right thing by not giving in. I do bend rules or change my mind when the situation warrants it. IMO, this isn't one of those times.
He's being a jerk. You were100% right to stick to your guns. If I were you, I would take the rest of the week off and let him do bedtime! If he proves to be so great at it, use it to your advantage and tell him what a wonderful job he did and you think it is probably best for DD if he does bedtime from now on! Vent away . . . much better than picking a fight with DH!
sounds like your should be frustrated with daughters' behavior - not your husband
You did exactly what I would do.
"Well, you know what they say honey, 'If you want something done right, then do it yourself.' So you just knock yourself out. It's all yours."
At 8 o'clock every night when he has to stop watching his "stories" to come upstairs and do the work, it won't take him long to appreciate the help.
It may be, not because you are doing anything wrong, that she goes faster for him. If she does and it's finished earlier, then good for both of you. I would let him wrestle with it though, since he's got it all figured out.
Sounds like hubby needs to take more turns at bedtime. If he only does it occasionally, your daughter probably considers it a treat for Daddy to put her to bed. Mama is old hat and mean! LOL! Not sure what you meant about you being on he computer at bedtime...? I would skip that until she is in bed.
Definitely there should be some agreement between you and DH. Ask what he suggests and then you both agree to stick to it. Your DD, no doubt, knows that if she screams loud enough most likely she's about to get her way. Right now, it's making you look like the bad person. But someone has to be the firm one when needed. Otherwise, you'll end up raising a spoiled little brat who expects to have her way even in her adult years. Maybe cut 3 stories down to 1 so she understands that when it's bedtime....it's bedtime. Perhaps not a story every night. Pick a night that's story night.
Why can't you both do bedtime together? Sounds like you are both home and available and this is always the best time for some family bonding. Then, she will see that mom and dad are enforcing the same thing and are on the same page. Of course, first you will have to get on the same page! Have a "new" routine and make a chart or something for her ( I don't know how old she is??) with times and pictures of what we do at those times (brush teeth, pj's, books.) Soon you will settle into a family routine and no one will be stressed anymore.
Sorry, but I'm with your husband on this. You claim he sticks to a routine. And I would guess that you're saying that you don't. But you cave too easily with your daughter. You get in a position where she lays on your back? What's up with that? Sit up and read ONE story. There's no need for 3. And if she throws a hissy, just walk away. She SHOULDN'T be bawling past 10. At her age she should be long asleep.
You guys need to calmly resolve this. And be on the same page. Otherwise your daughter is going to pull the strings and walk all over you. Maybe it's time dad took care of this, since it works so well for him. Then there's no dispute.
But the computer can wait till she's in bed and supposedly sleeping. Whether or not it's part of the issue, you should stick to daughter to bed time and whatever it entails. When that job is done, THEN go to the computer. This is just as much a lesson in priorities for you as it is for her. This goes with the territory as a parent.
