Is Bedtime a Battle at Your House? Fighting with DH and Kids

My husband and I do it as a team, he does story time with one kid, I do it with the other. It works great, no arguing, they both get one on one individual stories and cuddles with a parent.

I don't think it's normal. But regardless of whether or not it's normal, it's definitely not working in your house. Sounds like Dad has a lot on his plate and he is either in denial about your son's condition or too overwhelmed to learn how to deal with your son.

If story time is the one time of day Dad is involved, then they need that story time with Dad. Instead of taking over, have you thought about a combined effort? Make it a family time? If story time becomes a family time, maybe you can model how you defuse things. Show him how to make it peaceful. Let Dad read the stories and finish up with tucking in and you just join them. If Dad would be open to this idea.

Another possible solution would be to divide the kids up. Let him have one on one time with the youngest, while your older child does something that calms him. Then he can to the routine with the older child.

Sounds like Dad needs to feel appreciated in his efforts. And you may have to give a little and let Dad handle it, as difficult as it may be. Your approach with your husband is upsetting to him. It sounds like he feels belittled. Which probably has nothing to do with you, just the way he is hearing it. Kids often act differently with different adults. They are going to test boundaries. And if they don't get much time in with Dad, they will test things even more when they are with him.

If all else fails, lock the door and stop playing mediator. Move bedtime earlier and let Dad handle it all. Go hide in the garage if you have to. Let Dad come to you for advice instead of doling it out unsolicited. Either he will see your side, or figure out another way to make bedtime work.

Good luck mama!

No, bedtime is not normal in your house. Some fighting, maybe a little resistance, but not the war that is going on in your house.

Take back bedtime, find him another activity that will foster their relationship, instead of creating bad feelings.

How involved is your husband in your son's therapy? I ask because for years my husband struggled where our oldest is concerned. It was really hard for him to accept that our son, our oldest, was different. That he wasn't like the other kids, and that he never would be. We fought often and regularly about this, but my job as mom was to protect my son. Not protect my husbands feelings.

The turn around really didn't happen until I made him be active in appointments and all school meetings. It still took some time, but it did happen. Get him active and get him involved.

Of course that's not normal! It sounds awful. First and foremost, no matter what your DH is dealing with, he needs to understand his son and how his son acts. So he needs to read up about sensory processing disorder and get on board with how to help your son. Second, you need to trust your DH and let him do story time if it's his responsibility. He's doomed to fail if you always swoop in and fix things or rescue everyone. You're already overstepping your boundaries by interrupting the one period of time he has with your boys. It's not good for them to fight at bedtime, but it's probably worse for your marriage (and ultimately your kids) if you and DH can't get on the same page.

Work on that first. Then fix storytime.

Sounds like your oldest child needs a separate routine from the others. Might be a good time to conquer and divide. We had this issue with our oldest. As much as we wanted bed time to involve 10 minutes of reading with us, found out quickly the best routine was watching MASH each night. When the final music started, she'd hop right to bed. Like clockwork. We found that bonding and reading time was best reserved for after dinner or morning time. And guess what? She is the bookworm of the family. With DS, he was one of those kids that was SOOO busy moving from the time he awoke, at bed time he was thankful to sleep!

I would just move story time to earlier in the evening instead of bedtime.

No, this is not normal. I have a kid with sensory issues and who is extremely strong willed so I know exactly the type you are talking about. I think you need to have each kid be put to bed on their own (no reading stories together). Maybe your husband can put the younger one down first while the older one reads on his own in another room. Then he can tuck the older son in. Or the other thing I suggest is you leave in the evenings or don't go in and rescue them. Let them have some awful, drawn out bedtimes over and over again and let your husband learn. Push him to do some reading for how to deal with a child like this. Highlight the main points even if you want! Your situation sounds extremely frustrating!

I think hubby needs to learn from his mistakes. He's getting them in bed. He's the one that should be handling this. Stop rescuing him so he can learn the full amount of his mistakes. Go to the other room and shut the door, don't open it to play mediator, let him handle it. He needs to have to deal with this, the full mess. Stop keeping him from figuring this out.

He will eventually see what you're talking about. Even if bedtime takes hours he needs to have the full time and go through it all without your interference. He will figure out how it's not working.

My husband won't read ANYTHING I give him to read. But, if I summarize with bullet points, he's more than willing to listen to info I have learned. You might want to try educating your husband about SPD, yourself. I had to do it for my husband, who thought my son's sensory issues were just normal kid things.

Okay, my husband does not have PTSD and even he would not have been good at the whole bedtime routine. Most men just don't have the patience for that.
Why can't he just spend some time hanging out with them and playing with them after dinner? They (all three, dad and sons) could even be in charge of dishes and post dinner clean up. This should give you an hour or so, and then after you put them to bed you should have a little more free time.
Let your husband do what he enjoys and is good at, not what you THINK he should do, because his time is so limited, try to make it as pleasant as possible, especially with his PTSD.

I think having your husband try to foster a relationship with his son at the point in the day when your son is at his worst (because he is "beyond overstimulation") is not going to work no matter how much your husbands does or does not understand the sensory processing disorder.

I think you should take back story time so it's more of a relaxing time for your son, and so that he can go to bed in peace. Can you find a different way for your husband to spend time with his sons?

I also know that kids KNOW who they can push and how much. My daughter will not push me, but she'll push my husband. I know all of her "tricks" so she doesn't even try to pull stuff on me, but she'll pull out every trick in the book with my husband. However, she also knows that I'll give her certain things where my husband will not.

I also think you need to have a talk with your children and hold them a little bit responsible as well. My husband will do this for me, and I for him. When my daughter will push my buttons, my husband will often step in and say "Do you see why your mom is upset? Do you see how YOU are contributing to this? Do you understand that you were supposed to do XYZ and you're not doing it?"

You could talk to your sons about the way to behave and make sure they understand as well. But mostly it sounds like your sons are tired at the end of the day and it's just not a good time for your husband to be strict.

of course it's not normal!

but the solution isn't for you to sweep in and "fix" everything either.

i had the same problem with my husband when he used to have anger issues. i constantly felt the need to "protect" ds from his dad. to the point where, like your husband, he started making comments like, "well i can't do anything right with him. everything i try to do you say is wrong.." he too would get frustrated very easily and "give up" (and then blame it on the imperfect behavior of the 4 year old...)

once my husband dealt with his anger issues, it got better, and i realized that i didn't need to "swoop in" anymore.

you're right to want to protect your kids from that. if they aren't already it will breed fear, then resentment and anger, in your boys. hubby needs to get help for his issues or it won't resolve. that's the bottom line.

Whether or not it's normal (I hate using that word because I think there are about a million different versions of normal), it's not peaceful, supportive, or loving interractions, it's not how anyone wants to end the day, it's not ideal. When I was a young mother, my mom told me that she made it a point to make sure that her children's first moments of the day and their last moments of the day were peaceful and loving. She wanted them to go to their work and go to their rest feeling loved and at peace. I found that to be beautiful and smart. That, to me, is the ideal.

Try to take a different tack with your husband. Instead of starting the conversation with what isn't going right, or belaboring the point that he is working and sleeping during other opportunities, or any of the other ways you could go with this (and not be wrong, btw), ask him what HE would like bedtime to be. How would the ideal, perfect bedtime go? What elements would it have in it that would make it meaningful? Make a list of what he tells you. He has some idea, or he wouldn't get so bent out of shape when it starts going all wrong.

Then, once you have the list, start building a bedtime routine that would work. Take each point on that list and give him the ways it would work if you accomodated your older son's needs. Explain to him WHY it has to be that way and you this opportunity as a tool to teach him why those things work better than others.

Once the bedtime routine, with accomodations you work out in advance, is set up, do it together for the first few days so you can make any necessary adjustments. Set up a codeword that you two can give each other when it's going off the rails, so that your kids don't see you correct dad, he doesn't lose face and he doesn't feel undermined. Have a pre-approved plan in place for when it DOES go off the rails. Let your husband know that on days that he just doesn't have the patience or wherewithall to do it, you are happy to step in, no fussing, just teamwork.

I hope this helps!

No, I would not say that this every night is normal. Or that it has to be.

I would look at other solutions. Could you, for example, take the story time out of bedtime and make it part of something else? Like after dinner, or when another child is in the tub?

My DH is used to having to combat a super permissive co-parent, so with DD he's a little trigger happy on coming down h*** o* her. We've had to talk about that because he and I are much more on the same page than his ex was. DD is a different kid. But there are also times when his way of communicating might as well be the Peanut's Teacher with SD. He lectures. He still doesn't understand how I get better results and part of it is that he doesn't listen. He's so focused on A to B that he doesn't consider C. This is also a problem for him with the general public. Right now he's terribly ticked off at the garage but the bottom line is they are getting it done. For free. So shut up. His behavior works really well as a project manager...not so well with 4 yr olds. Does your DH have a job where this line of thinking works well and he doesn't make the switch to a new audience?

I realize this is "his time" with the kids, but if it's just yelling and crying, is it any quality? I would look for other times and ways he can interact with them. Ask him to pitch in on something around the house so you can do the bedtimes without being up til 12AM. If he sees you taking over as a punishment to him, ask him to objectively look at the way it goes. What isn't working? Why?

You and he might also do a parenting study. I'm doing How to Speak So Kids Will Listen. I'm not going to implement all of it with my kid, but it's really given me food for thought - for example, HOW to talk to the child and what the child might feel if I said it a different way. I bet you instinctively do things from the book and he doesn't and that's why you get better results.

If this is that important to him, he needs to be willing to consider more options. They need his time, but they don't need it to be a big ball of stress.

I would also ask DH to take time to learn about ODS's disorder as part of the whole thing. If ODS used a wheelchair, would he ignore the child if he fell on the floor or snap at him to walk? Maybe that's an extreme example, but if your kid has x needs, then DH needs to get informed. It may be something to bring up to his PTSD counselor.

I agree that you should make it a family thing...or have DH read to the boys BEFORE they get in their room/in their beds. Have story time be in the living room after dinner and that can be your bill paying time. Then you can still read to the boys and keep them calm and hubby can come in an kiss the boys/tuck them in.

Sometimes my kids (mostly my 3.5 year old son) is unruly and hyper at story time right before bed and he'll lose his story. He and his sister each get to choose one. They share a room, too.

I have a long drawn out night time routine with my kids. Pajamas, teeth, books, daughter goes to living room to read (new thing) until I get son down, do prayers/songs with son then get daughter and repeat. When hubby puts them to bed, it's pajamas, teeth and tucking in and good night! NO fuss, no reading...that is just how he was raised. And they listen to him and do not budge! LOL But that would NOT fly with me because they know I like to and want to lay with them, cuddle, etc.

You need to figure out what works best with your son(s) and husband. So that you are all getting the time with the boys/alone time that you need/deserve but also find a way to make bedtime more enjoyable/relaxing for all.

Good luck!

This is so not normal. For bedtime we turn down the lights in the main room so there is just a small ambient light on and then we watch a 'calm down' show like Thomas or Chloe and I snuggle the baby on my lap. Daddy makes his bottle and I do pjs. Then when he is all snuggled and ready daddy puts him in his crib to go to sleep. Then we take the older one and read a story while she sits on the toilet and goes potty. Sometime this can take a while. Then she gets her pull up and pjs on and Daddy and I put her in bed together and tuck her in with hugs and kisses. That's all there is. Occasionally they will fight or fuss, but we keep to the same routine and there are no exceptions so the expectations don't change.

My 23 month old also has SPDs and so I know how tricky that can be and calming down is a much better way to go to keep them from getting upset and to keep bedtime happy.

In my education classes last year I made a powerpoint of SPDs and what it is like and what its about. Would you be able to get your husband to watch it? It is geared for people who know nothing about it at all. I would be happy to pm it to you. I think it might really help.

Also, are you taking your son to OT therapy? and I sure hope your hubby goes to PTSD counseling or a support group, this is vital to his recovery and the happiness of your family. But, to answer your question, no this is not "normal" and no its not ok. Dad should be able to handle story time, but if he can't then you need to add yourself in and make it run smoothly. But, like I said, we do it on the toilet and the baby doesn't want to be read to, so we don't. But, maybe doing it all on the couch as a family will stop some of the fighting.

I wish you luck and please let me know if that powerpoint will help you or anyone else who is reading this!

No, it's not good with everyone fighting, but I also don't think you should take it over. The kids need to learn to listen to their father. Period. If he tells them to do something, they should do it. Of course he gets angry with the 7 YO when he doesn't do what he's asked to do. This is THEIR father; they need to learn to listen to him and do as he tells them. If they don't and end up crying, I think you are undermining him by going in and trying to "diffuse" the situation. It is a situation they created by arguing and fighting; let them deal with it. If they don't like it, then maybe the next night they will behave.

I think the ONLY thing you should do is tell the 7 YO to go back into his room and listen to his father. Period. You're done.

Hi Stacey,
I think the first order of business is for your husband to get up to speed on your son's disorder, and quickly! That way he can have a better understanding of where your son is coming from and what he (your husband) can do himself to redirect your son when appropriate. I think this is imperative, actually, and doesn't just pertain to bedtime. Good luck!

(Oh, and no, this is not normal in our house)

No, this is not normal.
Your DH needs to learn about his son. Period. End of.
But, that takes time. Until that happens, you should take over story time for your oldest only. My DH does the bed time routine with our youngest. He did it with the oldest 2 as well. That and bath were the only things he did/does.
I think you need to lead by example and show your DH how ODS needs to be handled.
Good luck!

Hi S., This sounds very similar to what goes on in my home. I have three daughters and my DH can't tolerate what I tend to consider 'normal kid behavior.' If he tells the older two (13 and 16) to put their laundry away and half an hour later it is still there (they are working on homework and just forgot, or got sidetracked, or whatever), he starts yelling and belittling them, and they end up crying. My youngest (8) is very high energy, willfull and with a mind of her own. I know I just need to tell her what I need her to do at bedtime and then give her enough time and some encouragement to get it done, but with her dad, if he says 'do this' and she doesn't immediately hop to it, he gets angry and the whole situation goes from bad to worse in a matter of moments. It is hard for me to understand, because it seems almost as though he enjoys making them cry and having a difficult, stressful atmosphere in our home. Why would anyone in his right mind WANT that? It has gotten to the point where we all feel relieved when Dad has a business trip. And I am not even dealing with any PTSD or processing disorders, so I can't even imagine how hard it must be for you. I work outside the home and basically do everything for the kids in an effort to protect them from his temper as much as I can, so I'm pretty exhausted. He has said he will go for counseling to learn to deal with his anger but so far he hasn't. Let me know if you come up with any miracle solutions! Best of luck. :)

I would find a time when you and your husband are calm, the kids are not around, nobody is frustrated from any recent arguing - maybe a Saturday morning when the kids are playing a game and are out of earshot. Ask him what bedtime was like when he was growing up. Did he like the routine/atmosphere, etc.? Ask him how he would like the routine to be for your boys. That should give you some insight into whether he wants to do something different or not.

Assuming he would like it different, you can suggest working together to come up with a way to make it happen. You are a team and you need to find a way to work as a team. Stress how much you value him and how he wants to have this time with his boys. Ask him what ideas he might have.

Your husband might be feeling like you are belittling his parenting skills or implying that you are the better parent. I know this is not your intent but it sounds like he is saying it is fine because he doesn't want to be put down. By asking or declaring that you are taking over the bedtime routine would come across to me as an attack on my ability to do it right. (That's my personality and I don't know your husband's.)

If all of your discussions about it have been at night when you are both at your wit's end, the discussions may have not been very productive. Hope you can find a time soon when you can have a calm, productive discussion about it.