Soon to Be Divorced

Hi L.,

I can not give any advice when it comes to this because I have never been through something like you are about to go through. I just wanted to let you know that I will be praying for you and your family. My heart just breaks for all the family's who have to go through something as traumatic as a divorce. I will be praying that you will be able to have the right words to say to your kids. And I will be praying for your kids and their responses.

I guess the only advice I can give is to always tell them you love them each and every day!! Let them know that they are loved and wanted and they are special to you and their Daddy.

My prayers are with you!
ak

First, I wish you the best of luck and as smooth a transition as possible for you and your children. Friends of mine were divorced years ago and they handled it very well with their children, who were 2 and 4 at the time of divorce. It probably wouldn't work for every divorcing couple, but what they did worked well for them and I thought it was fantastic. To reinforce the fact that their parents both loved them and they were still a family despite a broken marriage, they got together once a month as a family in a casual setting. Basically, when it was time to "trade off" they'd spend a couple of hours together at a park or mall or out to lunch or (later) at a school event or sporting event. It showed their kids that they could get along as mom and dad, even if husband and wife didn't work out as well. Their kids are now 9 and 11, and both parents are remarried. They never seemed to be confused by it because from pretty early ages, it's all they can remember. And now there is a half sister & 2 half brothers in the mix. They all spend at least one major holiday together - even with new wives and husbands. They live on opposite ends of the same subdivision and have really created a unique and positive family for their kids. I KNOW this doesn't happen all the time, and isn't feasible in many situations, but for them, it instilled a sense of family (even if unconventional) from an early age rather than just a sense of separation.

Hi L.,
When I read your request, I teared up instantly with the memories of my breakup with my ex husband. My son was 3 when I left and I cannot lie, it was heartbreaking. He OBVIOUSLY didn't understand any of it and he cried all the time. The best advice I can give you is to keep telling him how much HE IS LOVED. We spent numerous days/nights holding each other crying but I always reassured him that it was going to work out because he was so loved. I would remind him of all the family and friends in our lives that loved him. I don't know how you feel about your husband now, but I always told my son that I still loved Daddy very much and I always will...after what seemed to be the longest year of our lives, he was wiping MY tears and reassuring ME that "everything would be o.k." We have an unbelievable relationship now. To this day when he sees me stressed out and about to "lose it", he will come up to me and give me a big hug and tell me he how much he loves me. Another key thing is equal time with Daddy. They NEED both parents no matter how inconvenient or uncomfortable it may be, you need to make the effort to keep things as normal as possible. His father and I both remarried and had more kids and he adjusted really well. Don't underestimate what they CAN understand. "Adult life issues", they don't understand, but how we feel about them, they do! There is no GREATER bond than the Mother/child bond. This is your chance to make it stronger than ever! I am going to pray for all of you.
Good luck.

L.,

I am really sorry to hear that. I went throught the same thing but I will be honest my kids were fine about it because their father remains very much a part of their lives. Since your kids are young it won't affect them. I am not an expert but I can say from experience my kids did not notice the difference but it is only because their father is still around, he just doesn't live with us anymore. Now my 10 year old took it hard. She was aware of what was going on and we had to talk to her and just reassure her that mom and dad are not getting along and the best thing to do is seperate instead of having the children suffer by looking at us fight all the time. I hope this helped somewhat. Good luck.

L.,

A lot will depend on how you hold up in front of them. At 2 and 3 yrs old, too much information will just not register and sometimes even give the wrong impression.

If you feel sad - you will need to explain why and not cover it up. If you feel angry, you will also need to explain to them - otherwise they will make their own conclusions - AND THEY WILL BLAME THEMSELVES. It's very important that they understand it is not their fault. (I've been divorced a couple of times and if you are okay, your children will be okay).

If the man you are divorcing is their father, there will be some emotional fallout from them now, and a lot more when they get a little bit older - and a WHOLE LOT MORE when they hit adolescense...all children are different though.

If he is a step-father, and hasn't been in their lives long there will be less difficulty for them. However, I don't want to make this sound like a cake-walk ... divorce is always, always h*** o* children - please know that going in.

For now, all they might need to grasp is that Mommy and Daddy are going to have two houses and you get to have a room at Mommy's house PLUS a room at Daddy's house, etc., Two and three year olds THRIVE on routine - so please try to have their routines disrupted as little as possible and transition the routines as gently as you can for them. If there is a grandparent within your reach where your children can visit and be in a "familiar and unchanging environment" during this difficult and changing time, it might be a good idea to call on them for extra support.

Meantime, as others mentioned - they most importantly need to know they are loved and are going to be cared for. And when they ask - what does divorce mean? (and they will) be sure to explain that only grown-ups get divorces, Mommies and Daddies NEVER divorce their children.

best of luck to you. hugs,

W.

Hi L.!

My best advice is to just keep things normal. They will cry and ask for them at first but eventually it will all be routine. As long as you are acting like you love them and so is he, they will have no question!
The court ordered parenting class I had to take was helpful. It really brought around the kids points of view in divorce. Not sure if all instructors teach it the same, but all couples with children divorcing in Illinois have to take it! My advice is to take it ASAP!

Really it will all be easier than you might think. The hardest part is being a single parent with no help when you are sick, everything else is pretty good!
j
Good Luck!