Hi Mamas,
My husband and I are seperating with the intention of getting divorced. There is a lot that went in to the situation and we did everything we could to fix it, including counseling, but in the end it can't seemt to be fixed. My husband told me that he will be moving out soon, maybe even before Christmas (I know, great timing) and I have no idea what to tell my kiddos. I know that I won't say anything until he gives me a solid timeframe because its easier for kids to count down to something rather than be surprised with it, but beyond that I have no idea how to have this conversation. I figured we as parents should tell the kids together (well, technically just the 7 yr old because the 2 yr old really won't understand the conversation, she will just get used to the changes) to show him that we are still united as being his parents and do it with out crying if possible so we don't scare him. But what words do I use? How much or little detail should I use? Is it enough to tell him that daddy is going to live with his friend for a while and let him adjust to that before making it permanent? Do I have to say divorce, or can i leave that out of it? And I know he is going to ask why Daddy is going to live somewhere else, how do I answer that? Not completely truthfully I am sure.... Anyway, any advise I can get from mamas who have been there or deal with children of this age would be greatly appreciated. I never liked the idea of having children who have to deal with divorce, so I want to try and damage my kids as little as possible with this, if that is possible.
I cannot answer your questions, but I can tell you one thing for sure. My kids were young when we separated, 5 and 7. Even if you think they are ok, get them in counseling immediately. I wish I did, now I have two depressed teens who held everything in and we are still paying the price years later.
Be as honest as you can without berating your former spouse. Reassure your children that it isn't their fault. Get your children to talk to a counselor.
My experience is from being a step mom. My husband's divorce was terrible. At the time, my step son was 18 months. When I married in, my husband had his son and former step children living with him because their mom left. She petitioned to have my husband's guardianship revoked and won. Later she gave up her parental rights for my step son, whom I adopted, so now my son has the challenge of wondering why mommy wanted his brother and sister and not him. He's now 9. There are lots of challenges, but I've found that when I've been honest and provided empathy, the pain that he feels is easier for him to bear and he is more willing to talk to me about his problems. It was hard for me because I felt that I didn't have the right to talk about why his parents divorced. I encouraged him to talk to his mother and encouraged my husband to talk to him, but my son would always end up talking to me because as he put it, "you talk about it with me." We did have him talk to a counselor for awhile so that the burden wasn't completely mine. Explaining why you feel the way you feel is helpful too. That way the children won't feel that you are angry at them or that they made you sad. For example, when my son's bio-mom would have some excuse for not being able to have him for a visit, I would tell him that I was angry at his bio-mom for breaking her promise and that it made me sad because she disappointed him. (When inside I may be thinking, she's an idiot.)
Now, my son and I have a level of trust that he feels comfortable talking to me about any problem that he has. That's something I hope continues through his teen years.
Good luck.
One thing you might want to let them know is that daddy and mommy love (insert kids names here) very, very much.
We also love each other.
We are just having some disagreements.
We are realizing that even though mommy and daddy love each other, we just cannot live together.
If we lived together we would be unhappy and in arguments and that just is not fair to you kids.
You deserve to live in a happy and argument free home.
You will still be able to talk to, see and spend time with us both.
This is just some of what I had to tell my girls when I separated from their father.
Feel free to contact me.
This is the hardest thing to tell the kids, my kids were 13 and 7 when their dad and I split, My teen kept to herself and began acting out, the youngest one suffered from some depression but we assured them over and over it was never their fault, we assured them that we loved them and each other very much but we could no longer live together. I dont think we used the word divorce, but we did tell them we were not going to live together. We also kept our reasons why quiet, I know it can be hard when one parent will say the wrong thing but all you can do is explain to them that they dont fully understand the whole situation, but for their sakes you will still remain close friends. my kids have both tried to play us against each other but they have figured out that we will call the other to make sure that was what was said, its a hard thing to do, hopefully your husband will be close by so the kids can see him often and know that despite things they are still loved by both parents. My ex is way too close for comfort but we make it liveable so the girls can be close to both parents. (my ex lives next door to me)I know this is a difficult time but just hang in there, I found its easier for the kids if I didnt cry in front of them. things will work out for the best I am sure, keep your head up and good luck!
A.
I don't have a whole lot to offer, just tell them as soon as you both can, that way the oldest has a chance to talk to you both w/o having to find a time to meet to get together. My parents separated when I was 8 and the divorce was finalized when I was about 12 yrs old...I found out when I walked into my parents room while they were arguing and my mom was packing...not the best way to throw it on a young child! The court ordered that I see a psycologist(sp?) and I think that really did help me talk about and deal with things. I never once thought it was my fault, and I'm sure it's because my parents made it clear that I (their only kid together,but I've got 5 half-siblings)had nothing to do with it, if anything, I was the reason they tried to make it work for so long.
No one can tell you what to do exactly, as you know your family and how they work more than we do, just do what you think is right and easier on the children.
Good luck and I hope everything works out for all involved.
Yes, you are correct in your sensitivity toward telling kids about divorce. My own experience more than a decade ago led to my writing a guidebook for parents on how to create a storybook with family photos and history as a successful way to have this tough break-the-news conversation.
I’m recognized as The Voice of Child-Centered Divorce and my ebook is d How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children -- With Love! What makes the book unique is that I don’t just tell parents what to say. I provide customizable templates to say it for them!
Therapists, attorneys, mediators, educators and other professionals around the world have endorsed the book, attesting to the value of my fill-in-the-blank, age-appropriate templates. Six therapists contribute their expertise to the book, as well.
My goal is for divorcing couples to stop, talk and create a plan before having that crucial "divorce" talk with their children. I and hope, for the sake of their kids, they will decide to move ahead in creating a child-centered divorce. For free articles, ezine and other valuable resources on this topic, visit childcentereddivorce.com.
Best wishes,
R. S., CCT
My parents divorced when I was very young. The best advice I can give you is to be honest. You and your husband need to tell your son together. Let him know that you still love him and didn't do anything to cause the divorce. Answer any questions he may have as honestly as you can. Your son will, rightfully so, be upset by the changes. However, children are extremely bright. I would be surprised if he didn't already know something was going on. Once the divorce is finalized, make sure to never speak badly of their father in front of the children, and make sure he does the same. As long as you both love those babies, things will be OK. It will take time, but it'll be OK.
Good Luck!
