Siblings of Special Needs Children: Coping

My oldest has Down syndrome and he is on the lower functioning end of it, there is a 6 year difference between him and my twins. My twins are 5 and they tell me how they don't like their brother and why he is the way he is and I always tell them the truth about him. I feel like it is better to be honest with them. They are the first ones to stick up for other kids who are not like them (it also probably helped that one of the kids in their class has leukemia and has lost all her hair). Now they have gotten to the stage when they just say well that is the way Ryan.

www.siblingsupport.org

This is a wonderful resource for our typical kids. Don Meyer, who developed the program, has also written several very helpful books. The website has a section just for the sibs to share with other sibs. Many local autism chapters sponsor Sibling Support workshops - or check with your state parent training and information center - every state has one.
my 16 year old has asperger's sensory processing disorder and anxiety. My 12 year old son found it difficult to cope when we were going to therapies more frequently and her behaviors were more difficult. Now she has all that well under control after years of support, and my son hardly seems to notice anymore - he just says, oh that's Vivi. I'm relieved honestly!

Here is a blurb for siblings from the autismspeaks.org website:

5 Tips for Brothers & Sisters
Remember that you are not alone! Every family is confronted with life's challenges… and yes, autism is challenging… but, if you look closely, nearly everyone has something difficult to face in their families.

Be proud of your brother or sister. Learn to talk about autism and be open and comfortable describing the disorder to others. If you are comfortable with the topic…they will be comfortable too. If you are embarrassed by your brother or sister, your friends will sense this and it will make it awkward for them. If you talk openly to your friends about autism, they will become comfortable. But, like everyone else, sometimes you will love your brother or sister, and sometimes you will hate them. It's okay to feel your feelings. And, often it's easier when you have a professional counselor to help you understand them – someone special who is here just for you! Love your brother or sister the way they are.

While it is OK to be sad that you have a brother or sister affected by autism it doesn't help to be upset and angry for extended periods of time. Your anger doesn't change the situation; it only makes you unhappier. Remember your Mom and Dad may have those feelings too.

Spend time with your Mom and Dad alone. Doing things together as a family with and without your brother or sister strengthens your family bond. It's OK for you to want alone time. Having a family member with autism can often be very time consuming, and attention grabbing. You need to feel important too. Remember, even if your brother or sister didn't have autism, you would still need alone time with Mom and Dad.

Find an activity you can do with your brother or sister. You will find it rewarding to connect with your brother or sister, even if it is just putting a simple puzzle together. No matter how impaired they may be, doing something together creates a closeness. They will look forward to these shared activities and greet you with a special smile.

See if there are support groups, for families with an Autistic child.
For the kids.
They need an outlet.
Or, time by themselves. Their own time.
Respite.

Kids, can't be expected to 'know' how to cope, nor all the time. Anyone will burn out. Kids more so.
It can be draining.
And for them to just be kids. Not always having to, understand. Sometimes just letting their yah-yah's out. Like an adult would need to.

Look online, for "Autism support groups for families" etc.

I second Susan B's recommendations of Don Meyer's books and the sibling workshops (http://www.siblingsupport.org/about/sibling-workshop/), forums, etc.

I think its also really important to find support for yourself, through support groups or other resources, because the demands on you are so high.

(hugs)

My older two are fine since they were 9 and 11 when Andy was born. My little one is a little more tricky. She lived a good part of her first four years in a car going to soccer games. Then Andy, then the divorce.

What I have found, though I don't know if it works long term, is giving her time. Most of Genna's bad behavior or troubles with school seem to come from lack of attention.

I am lucky because my fiancée doesn't mind doing one on one stuff with Andy so we can do girl stuff. The extra attention has made a world of difference in our world. :)

My sis had Rett syndrome, which is on the autism spectrum but not exactly like what you are talking about, but her needs were very high and she did go through years of screaming all night etc. It was really tough on my mom at times. Now I was the younger sibling so I was also the mama hen running to care for my big sis. I mean from the moment I came on the scene she was there and I adored her. I have heard that elder children do have a harder time with it bc of how much it changes their established life. I think the thing my mom did was just do her best!! As a child I don't remember feeling snubbed etc. I fed my sis, changed her, babysat her etc all my life. I think my mom always had me in church stuff, I was always in school stuff and she just did whatever she could to do things with both of us. My mom was single, worked graveyards in a plant, lived in some pretty marginal apartments and raised us to be some reasonable people just doing her best! So that's my advice, just hang in there give it all you got and they will do well! Sounds like you have great communication which will serve you guys well always. Hang in there!!

I teach special ed and from that perspective you seem to be doing everything right so I can't offer advice just a big, via email "high-five". Way to go, allowing your daughters the security to talk openly and honestly with you is HUGE. Best of luck as you and your girls journey through life, but know that you are already making such a positive impact on your daughters by being a great mom!

Nice job!