How Does Your NT Kid Deal with Peer Criticism Re Their Special Needs Sib?

I think you handled it well and so did your DD. My oldest (now 21) has severe learning disabilities and at 17 was diagnosed bi-polar. His siblings were his greatest advocates, and one to two boys at his school. We were really lucky that most kids really liked him and made the effort to get to know him. Even when he didn't know how to interact with them. Your DD will learn in time how to advocate for her sister. Helping her role play as situations come up will give her the tools she needs in the future.

As for the toy. Is she an only child? That doesn't excuse the behavior, but it could explain it to some degree. Trust me, your words to her had an effect, maybe not an immediate one, but she will remember what you have said.

D., the first thing I would do is go talk to the mother. I wouldn't normally suggest that, but you have a different situation with your ASD child. Find something easy to read about it and copy it off for the mother. Sit down with her and have a discussion about it. Tell her that you really need for her to sit down with her child and explain "differences" to her. Tell her that it upsets your other daughter for her friend to be uncaring and unkind.

Maybe the mom will just say "Oh." Or maybe she'll make excuses. But at least you would have tried.

It's nice that you want your daughter to learn to deal with this child's selfishness. (And she is not a 3 year old - she is old enough to learn to share things and people.) However, YOU need to step in and demand it of the child, kindly, but honestly, and keep doing it until she "gets" it, or the mother stops bringing her around. And that's okay too, D..

Look, one of these days, someone is going to blast this gal or this mom. If you handle it, along with your daughter, kindly but firmly, you are doing them both a favor.

And this is good practice for you too. Yes, children will be meaner to your ASD child. Practicing YOUR skills as a mother protector will help you with that too.

Dawn

This isn't a neuro-typical/non-neurtipical issue. It's a selfish kid issue and the mom not teaching her child how to be nice. The stuff the friend is saying is crappy regardless of the recipient. If the mother isn't going to make minor corrections, then you are entitled to - especially if it concerns members of your family. Your daughter is right to question the friendship, as the other girl is not "nice"; and based on her mother's responses/reactions and lack of correcting, it's kinda obvious why this child has bad social skills. She's not learning at home. If your daughter chooses to end the friendship, support her 100% - she's making an intelligent choice and is being a strong individual.

I have a son on the specturm as well. I teach his NT (Neuro-typical, for those who don't know that abbr.) sisters all about acceptance and that it's ok to be friends with kids who are different from them. There was one day at school where kids from the special needs program came into her classroom to participate in circle time. One little girl in particular was in a wheelchair and had troubles with her speech. My daughter came home to tell me that the other kids were laughing when she talked. I immediately once again explained to her that this child in the wheelchair wants friends just as much as the kids laughing. I told her to always be the example, not the follower and next time she sees kids laughing at someone who can't help that they are different, she needs to stick up for them and be a good friend.

So, I guess what I'm saying, is, it's the parents not teaching their children about kids with special needs and letting them know it's ok if they are different, it doesn't mean they don't want friends too. If you don't have a child with special needs, you don't always think about other kids who have difficulties, which is sad.

I'm glad you said something to the parent, hopefully a lightbulb went off in their head that is saying they need to teach their children a much better lesson in lfe.

Sorry that happened:(

Eww not neuro typical!! La la la I don't hear you. :p I hate that term. Doesn't help that no one in my family is normal. So, my more normal kid....

Genna has it hard. Andy was two when she was born, can you imagine how much attention he took up when she was a new born? She is human and she is a child. I wish she had it in her to stand up for her brother with her peers but she just doesn't have it in her, ya know? She is insecure about herself and the burden of her brother is just too much.

So yeah, Genna will agree with her friends that Andy is strange, Andy is annoying. She will ask him to leave her alone when she is around her friends. I cut her some slack.

I am the adult, it is my place to defend him, to educate others, not a child. In a perfect world she wouldn't have to stand up for her brother but how do I hold her accountable for something she just doesn't have in her to do? I know when she is old enough she will stand up for him the same way his older brother and sister do, she just isn't there yet.

Sorry if I rambled.

Oh, Andy is 13 and Genna is 11 if that helps with perspective.

My 8 year old daughter is NT and my 5 year old son is a nonverbal autistic child. She is his big protector. She has spoken up to adults over their comments & criticisms of her brother. Yes, I allow her to do so. None of her friends have said anything mean or rude or once they've made an observation that she felt was wrong she told them flat out that he is autistic and he thinks differently than you or I do. In all honesty I cannot expect young children to understand what it means to be autistic when I often get the "oh what's his specialty?" question from adults who themselves obviously do not understand what autism actually is.

Ok, I have no idea what NT means, but it sounds like the issues you are having with this family are simply issues that are going to arise as children become more socially aware.

I have tried to really expose my children to many social situations, diverse populations, my sister's husband is African American and their children are totally normal. I'm thinking we're doing a decent job. I'm thinking my kids are aware of differences in our world. Wrong!

So we're at the store the other day and I'm chatting with the cashier and my 5 year old looks at her and says, "You have a big nose!" Horrifying. I applogized to her and immediately had a discussion with him.

A couple of weeks ago we had a cookout at our house with some family and friends and some of my co-workers. Ok, I teach math at a university, so you can imagine the diversity in this group. My coworkers are from - Taiwan, Hong Kong, Vietnam, Japan - you get the idea. I was visiting with one of the families and, thank fully, did not hear my son. Apparently he and his cousin were playing with their eyes and saying, "We're Chinese!" My SIL pulled them into the house and had a talk with them (Thank God!)

I'm just so embarrassed by these events. I am horrified that I have not already done a better job of teaching him about diversity and acceptance and making fun of people. Looks like we have work to be done.

My point is, I'm not certain any of what you're talking about has anything to do with the special needs sibling. It really sounds like this mom and daughter have some work to do, as well. This falls into the category of "totally age appropriate behavior, but work to be done."

You are probably going to run into more than your fair share of this, but rather than worrying about what work the other mom has to do with her daughter, I'd focus on being very proud of your daughter and how she has handled it so far.

It's possible this girl will become even meaner. It's also possible her mother will increase her efforts to teach her better understanding and more appropriate behaviors. I actually feel sorry for the girl, because it seems like she might end up alienating people if she doesn't begin to change her attitude.

Looks like you're doing a great job so far!

i have a special needs daughter who is 5. she has a very rare chromosome abnormality, although she doesnt physically look like she has any mental retardation, she is very slow mentally. i am always the first to tell people about my daughter, even when they dont know her. for example my daughter likes to stare, she finds people intriguing. one day a the ENT appointment she walked up to a mother and her daughter and just starred at them... the mother was talking back to my daughter, very nicely but her daughter was giving her this look like "why are you starring".. i walked over to retrieve my daugther and told the mother "i am sorry she is starring she is my special needs daughter"... once i said that, she was much more understanding and even told her daughter to say hi to my daughter. now keep in mind not every parent/child acts this way. i once told this to a lady and her son at the grocery store because the situation was the same and the mom told her son "see you are so lucky"... i about slapped the mother! i had to walk away quickly... when you have a child that is "different" it is a hard life. you know your child will be made fun of at one point or another, even typical kids are bullied, made fun of, picked on...etc..... PARENTS ARE THE BEST ADVOCATES FOR OUR CHILDREN! my 14 year old sticks up for her little sister when someone is being mean or making fun of her. as long as you educate your children and teach them how to be nice to everyone and not make fun of people or be mean to people/children YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING! When i find myself in a situation like you did, i would do the same thing and probably just leave. When parents dont take the time to tell their child its ok to share, i dont want to be around them anyway.... good luck!

I have a 5 year old on the spectrum so your post is similar to what I know I will be up against down the road. So, I don't have advice as to how to handle this situation yet but I have to tell you-your daughter already sounds amazing and sounds as though you have instilled a lot of positive values in her! Kudos to you, mom!

I don't have this situation necessarily at my house as both of my daughters have Down syndrome and there is not the NT piece in there but if someone says anything to my oldest about her sister she gets a big sister protector role. It is all about educating the kids and I don't know if your youngest goes to the same school as your older daughter does but something you can do is go into Billy's class and see if you can address some of the things to do with Autism and her sister. You can also give her some little one or two line responses to say that will help to educate and promote acceptance. This little girl probably has never had the opportunity to come in contact a child with Autism or any other disability and her response is unfortunately pretty typical. I am disappointed with her parents response and possibly educating her would be a good thing too as she may end up having a child with Autism at some point in her life. I think your daughter is a great friend and a great big sister, she should keep being her friend and do be a great example as she sounds like she is a sweet little girl. Good Luck and Bless you for caring.

I have 2 nephews, 14 and 9. The 9 yo is obviously Autistic, not just borderline, so any time someone says something bad about him in front of his big brother, they better watch out! lol Actually, the older brother has been known to ask people, "Have you ever heard of autism? Well, let me tell you about it..." He is big on educating people, but he is always as nice as can be about it. Both of those boys make me so proud!!