How to Tell My Child Whats Wrong with Her Brother

I would let her know the situation with her brother and explain that he doesn't understand things the way she does or as another child would. Be careful how you word things so it doesn't appear to her that her brother is getting special treatment. If you decide to not tell her she is going to end up exploding with anger and resentment.

My oldest son was moderately autistic. It can be very trying on the entire family. Explain that his brain is wired differently than most people, but that you are trying to fix it... and that it will take A LOT of love and patience. I don't like the word "punishment" but rather creative consequences to fit what happened. For information on autism, I set up a page on my website to help parents who REALLY want to help their child: www.farmerchick.com Please feel free to contact me!

I think you should tell her. I am always for telling the truth to my kids. It will be a problem the rewst of his life so she should know. Maybe you could get her involved. Go to the library and find her a book about it. He is her brother and she deserves the truth.
B.

I am not talking from experience other then I was a little girl growing up with a younger brother with special needs. My brother was too autistic but in the late 60's classified it as being retarded and he went to a special school with all sorts of disabled children. First, my mom told me that "God made my brother special and that he looked at the world different from a lot of people. That he needed different rules sometimes but it was my job to be a kind and loving sister and show him how to be loving". One semester a year my mom would actually send me to school with my brother so I could see a lot of kids were different then myself and that just because someone is different there is nothing wrong with them. I actually felt after a while that I was special too since our family had a special little boy in it! It takes time and there were times I resented him but heck all siblings resent each other at some point. The sad part is my little brother left this earth (in an accident) at the age of 8 and I never got to see what a great man he would have become. He had minor disabilities that nowadays he would have even attended regular public schools just getting special assitance. I still miss him daily.
Your daughter is old enough to understand a lot more then you may think she is. Be honest, she deserves that much. Tell her she is older on top of it all so there are different expectations. Have her read about autism on the internet and I am willing to bet someone has written great books on the subject about siblings with other siblings with disabilities. Hang in there and God Bless.

I'd recommend having your daughter check out the Autism Speaks website, www.autismspeaks.org. There your daughter can see a video about it, read essays by parents or siblings of kids with autism, and feel like she's part of the process. You could even encourage her to write about how it is to live with someone who has autism. The website is great, and I hope it helps her to understand the disorder better. My son was initially assessed as a three-year-old with a high-spectrum autism disorder, but he started improving so much during preschool with the ABA method that he no longer even needs the program -- he's talking well and socializing well too. Dealing with a disorder is not easy; I wish you and your family the best. God bless.

Hi A.,

I have a great resource for you. PEAK Parent Center is Colorado's federally funded PTI (Parent Training & Information Center). They are a great resource for families with children with disabilities. They have Parent Advisors to help with all sorts of questions.
You can check out their website at www.peakparent.org or you can call them at ###-###-####.

L.

I have a 16 year old daughter that has multiple needs. One of which was just recently diagnosed as Autism. I also have an 18 year old son and a 13 daughter. My 16 year old has had seizures since 15 months old, so my kids new right away and they have had an extremely strong bond.
I to have a seizure disorder, and my family did not treat me any different.
I think all family members should know so that they can help in any way they can. You would be surprised at information that will flow in that can be so helpful.
Good luck and God Bless..

A.,

I have a 4.5 y.o. son with autism and a 1 y.o. son who so far seems developmentally normal. So I haven't really run into this too much yet other than with a few of my son's playmates. I would say, yes, explain what is going on to your daughter. 7 years old is old enough to be able to comprehend and to have empathy. It isn't going to be any easier of a road for her than for you. Families who stick together stay together. She's just as entitled to honesty and input as anyone. I'm in Nevada and here there are several groups like F.E.A.T. (families for effective autism treatment) that offer sibling workshops. I'd highly recommend that you get your daughter involved with something like that. I've heard they are tremendously helpful because siblings often end up feel left out and really isolated. When one family member has autism, everyone is effected by it. That said, I don't think there is any reason why you can't incorporate some of the things you do with your son into dealing with your stepdaughter. Many things that work really well for a child with autism (like postive behavior reinforcement) work really well with any child. I do think it is important to have an open dialog so she doesn't feel left out or singled out. Just in general, my husband and I have tried really, really hard to find balance with our son. We do not let his diagnosis be an excuse for bad behavior. Obviously we have specific ways to deal with specific behaviors but we figure he has to learn to live in the world with everyone else so we don't let him get away with bad behavior and blame it on autism.

Having a child with autism can be a really complicated, stressful thing. None of the regular "rules" work. We've been walking the path for a while now. If I can help you in any way, please feel free to contact me. ____@____.com

T.

I am no professional, but I do have a brother with autism. I think, as others have said, educating her will be very helpful. One thing my mother did, also, for my younger brothers was to explain it to them in a manner of "we're all just different, and we need to help each other figure out what works best for each of us." Not to downplay it, but to try to prevent my autistic brother from feeling like it was something "wrong" with him, which he is very sensitive to. "You know how Billy needs special help with his reading and Timmy needs help with sharing, well, we need to find ways to help Ben understand the things he needs help with, too." I know it's more complicated than that, but it was important to us to have it put into terms that made sense to our age level. That may be younger than the level your step daughter is at, though. I just know how important it is to my brother that he not be treated as though he's broken or deficient. Don't know if that's any help. I know it's a really tough situation.

There's a professor in Colorado named Temple Gradin (sp?) who is autistic and does an AWESOME job explaining how the autistic mind works. For whatever that's worth. I think there's a lot of advice on here that's probably better and more first-hand than mine, though.

Personally I would explain the issue to your daughter. She is only 7 and it is hard to understand but it's even harder to understand why she's treated differently. Plus it will help her be more understanding of some of her brothers behaviors as well and it will help her be more helpful

Hi A. -

Ask you daughter to explain to you how she sees her brother. Then tell her what the doctors have told you. I believe you will be surprised at how insightful she is. I also believe that by treating your children differently, you are fostering the labeling and separation between them. As a 2 year old, your son is still capable of understanding what's going on around him. Many children are diagnosed with this disorder due to an abundance of heavy metals in their system and/or sensitivities to certain food products. Consider having a hair analysis done on the entire family to rule out this possiblity. There are natural supplements, like Chlorella and Spirulina (both blue green algae & high in vitamins), that bind to heavy metals in the blood and body and remove them. Documented changes have been noted in behavior once these heavy metals are removed. I can tell that you care about both your children. Involve your daughter - she may not understand the big words (or she might) but she will understand the emotions, love and worry behind them. Give her a chance.

M. M. Ernsberger
Mind-Body Therapist
Master Hypnotherapist
Children & Family Life Coach

Hi A.,
I think you should implement a little of both. I would tell your daughter as much as you feel she can handle. As well, try to have a talk with her about discipline and family values and see if you can change some of the rules for her as well. I would also explain, if it doesn't work then the rules go back to the way they were.

Instead of telling your daughter what is wrong with her brother, tell her that her brother understands the world in a different way than she does and that she has to use patience with him, but still talk to him as she would the rest of the family. We have a 6 year old daughter with Downs Syndrome and two teenage boys, a 21 yr. old son, and a 30 yr. old daughter, and three grandchildren.

the gilbert school system has groups for siblings of children with disalilities on a monthly basis. they are a great source for info, so is SAARC, Raising Special Kids. it is important that your daughter understands (as much as she's able at her age) from the get go your son's disability, because you don't want resentment to start taking root and growing. i have an (almost) 18 yr old autistic son and a daughter 1 year older and a 12 year old son as well. i STILL have to drill/remind them that he doesn't think or react to things like they do, and i work very hard at trying to plant seeds of compassion and understanding in them in order to keep the "it's not fair, how come he..." comments in check.
God bless you, I wish you the best for you and your family.

Definately read the book "Rules" and talk to your daughter. 7 year olds are a lot smarter than people give them credit for. Let her know that her brother has autism and thet he is different than other boys his age. He will learn and talk different, as well as act differently. Keep her in the loop and have her help him, but not to much where she loses her identity. You can even read the book outloud to her so she has special time with you and learns about autism. He is a special kid and she should be proud to have him as a brother even though he is going to be different.
I work with autistic kids that are in school and the way I tell their peers is that they learn differently and talk differently. It doesn't mean that they are contageous and should be shunned, it just means they need a little extra support. We help him understand things in a simpler manner.

Hi A., I have a 7 year old stepson and a 2 yr old girl. I would tell your stepdaughter what is going on, that away she understands why things are the way they are. I know how deffensive my stepson can get with some situations we have at home, and I always explain the situation to him and it seems to work until the next situation happens!!

I would consult a child life specialist. They are usually employed with hospitals to discuss the illnesses with the children and their siblings. They know how to get on the "child's level" and make their illness less scary. They could help your daughter understand or give you some ideas on how to effectively communicate this. There are specialists at Children's Rehabilitation Services at St. Joseph's Hospital or at Phoenix Children Hospital. T

Angie,

I have a daughter who is almost 7 that has an autism diagnosis. I also have a son who is just 4 who is "neurotypical". I have long struggled with this issue. It's a very interresting dynamic. My daughter is often very mean to my son and physical with him, and yet it's almost impossible to get her to stop and to understand that what she is doing is wrong. She seems to delight in doing wrong. One approach that seems to be working, and would also be effective for your daughter is Love and Logic, www.loveandlogic.com .

As my son has gotten older I have started talking to him more and more. He can take only so much before he doesn't want to talk about it anymore. I have told him that everyone is different and everyone is special in their own way. Everyone has strengths and everyone has things that they need help with. I also tell him that his sister's brain works differently than his brain, and many of the things that are easy for him are difficult for her. I tell him that she has struggles that he does not have. He seems to understand. I do my best to protect him, and my best to try to stop certain behaviours in her, but it is difficult. And even though she can be very mean with him, he is still protective and adores her.

As he gets older I will give him examples of different types of emotions and have him guess what they are. When he guesses correctly I will tell him, to imagine what it would be like if you didn't notice what the other person was feeling or misread them. What would that be like and what would happen with others? I will tell him that although he knows right away, she has to be taught.

A friend of mine is the older sister to an younger brother with autism. She says the impact on her life was profound and that he taught her so much. She is one of the most kind, compasionate and dynamic women I know. She has made her life's work about helping others. I also know that it is in large part due to the fact that she is the older sister of someone with autism. So take heart!

If you ever want to talk I am here. This is a difficult, sometimes sad and often frustrating road, but let it change you in positive ways. I am a vastly better person for having a child with special needs.

All the best,

J.

Hi A.,

My nephew was recently diagnosed with autism. Ever since my brother told me of his son's diagnosis, I have been doing some reading from different books to help understand it better.

One book that I recently read is called:
Rules (Newbery Honor Book) by Cynthia Lord

It is written from the perspective of a young girl (maybe age 14) who is dealing with her brother (~ age 8) who has autism. You read about her feelings about his differences and how she deals with other people's reactions to her"strange" brother,and what she does to help teach him simple everyday things.....I got it from the children's section of the library.

Another book that I just finished reading is called:
Louder than Words by Jenny McCarthy

This is written from a mother's perspective telling about when/how she found out that her son was autistic...and how she dealt with grasping the reality of it. She offers many helpful advice--things that she has learned during her search of understanding of her son... It is a very touching story because you can put yourself in her place and feel what she is feeling...

I personally would tell your daughter the truth, but at a simpler level--one which she would understand. She may surprise you at how accepting she is at her brother's special needs. And if you enlist her help, she may be willing to give it. By serving her brother,she will grow to understand and love him more...

Good luck!

--L. W from Tucson,AZ

Hi A.,

My heart goes out to you. My son was diagnosed with autism about 2 years ago and I remember those first days, weeks and months as being an emotional roller coaster. One of the biggest things that I have learned is that everyone has an opinion. Listen to the qualified advice of others, but ultimately you will find a good rythm for your family that works.

Your daughter will probably be able to understand a simplified explanation of your son's challenges. She most likely knows that something is wrong and it might make her feel better to know what is wrong. As you develop a treatment plan for your son, she may even enjoy taking a role of "helping".

The good news is that early intervention really does work! One of the best things I heard when my son was first diagnosed is that children with autism have the same ability to learn as other children -- they just learn differently. Once you can tap into that you will be on your way!

Best of Luck!
M.

I think that the more honest and open you are with your daughter about your son's issues and diagnosis the better. I am sure she has observed differences with her brother and she will most likely want to know what is going on. She will be his companion and support for life and she deserves to be treated honestly and respectfully and have all the information she can. There are no clear answers with autism so tell her what you know and tell her how much you love her and how much you appreciate her understanding and patience. Let her know what she can help with and help her to understand ways to calm her brother or interact better with him, as you figure them out. You may be suprised at what she already knows about what he likes and dislikes. Also explain to her that no two people are alike and no two children will be parented alike. As a result, you will have different expectations of her because you know she has different gifts than her brother. She may not like it, but she will be glad to have been informed and treated like an asset to the family. Try to let her know that you may be a bit overwhelmed right now with her brother so that she may have to be more persistent to get what she wants or time alone with you. Hang in there, it sounds like you are very loving parents and your hearts will guide you in the right directions.

I would explain to her that "brother's brain doesn't think about things the same way her's does, so you have to do things a bit different with brother. But the goals for raising polite smart kids are the same." I would then have her help you come up with ideas on how she can help with brother. I would not change what you would do with her, this can become a place for guilt-driven parenting and manipulation on her part. Consistancy is key for both.

Good luck!

Seven year olds are alot wiser than we give them credit for. Your daughter probably already knows someone with autism at school. First of all, if your discipline techniques have been working thus far for your daughter, DON'T change them, this may actually confuse her even more - kids actually like predictable boundaries. Second, there are some books you can get at the library or maybe through your local chapter of the Autism Society of America, written just for siblings of kids with autism that explain it in terms they can understand. Third, make sure you are taking time to be just with your daughter (mommy/daughter, daddy/daughter times) to reinforce your message to her that she is special is too, just in a different way than her brother, and you love her just as much even though it may seem he sometimes gets more attention or more leniency. Explain to her that he learns in a different way, but he will still have consequences for misbehavior - it just may look different than it would if it were her. Lastly, be consistent with him, whatever his behavior plan states - don't try to overcompensate for his "disability", kids with autism aren't necessarily cognitively delayed, so he needs consistent boundaries as well.
Also, for yourself and you husband, make sure you're both on the same page about all this and get support from other parents with kids with autism (once again find a local chapter of the ASA) who can give you practical advice raising your kids - and keeping a happy, healthy marriage.

M.
Developmental Specialist working with kids 0 - 3yrs with various developmental disabilities/delays (including autism). Married, mother of a 'typical' 6 yr. old daughter.

I want to recommend this website to you:
http://www.out-of-sync-child.com/

This book is amazing. We had similar situation in our home accept for our children are 20 months apart so dealing with our sons Sensory integration Dysfunction (similar to autism)
became a way of life. When I look back I see that sometimes I didn't always handle things properply. But being new to SDI we were all learning. But his book in particular has great ideas of explaining what is going on with the child so that you can explain it to everyone.

Having one on one time with her will be important too.

Your daughter is old enough to talk to- perhaps if you are doing OT with your son the OT might have suggestions on helping with your daughter as well. Autism, SDI, any disorder just doesn't affect the person who has it - it effects everyone involved.

Early detection is key though- don't give up hope and I highly recommend OT. Our son is now 11 and doing amazing all to the fact that he had OT and it was caught early on.

There are alot of things you can do in your home to to make his living environment more comfortible.

I also recommend getting rid of any toxic products in your home. As research has been put together linking toxic cleaning products to Autism do to some of the harsh ingredients they use. Example Formaldayde Otherwise known as Q15 or Quartanium 15 very bad and lysol don't use at all.
We did this in our home not until my son was 8 because I just had no idea, and it made a huge difference in him. He was able to focus on the task at hand better and his energy level is no longer all over the place.

Hope this helps!
C.

i think that she i sold enough to know what is going on and why things are different. it would probably benefit her if you involved her in some doctors appointments and in the parenting and behavior plans that you are implementing. if she understood the disease if she had someone explain them in a way she could understand and be "part" of the plan i think it would help her understand and not feel left out. maybe some counseling would ba appropriate before things get out of hand

A.,
Not to sound like a complete caregiver(i work at a nursing home full time, mother to three young children)But you should try to include your daughter in everything possible regarding your son and his autism. She is young and may not fully understand why her brother gets treated differently, but not so young that she won't understand at all. Working with elders with alzheimer's is difficult, we are told over and over to "enter their world". I don't know much about autism, but i would imagine it's not that far off. I encourage my family members to become involved in aspects of caretaking that they can. I would encourage you to let your daughter help your son grow, encourage him with praise for a job well done, and come to you when his behavior becomes too much.
Our children are resilent, you must know that, and too often, we, myself included, forget the level of intelligence and understanding they possess. Don't underestimate your daughter, she was able to see her brother was being treated differently. I'm sure she would understand, and be more than willing to lend a hand. Remember too, that your a family, and she should be included in the plan for your son. let me know how things work out for you. GOD BLESS
A.
____@____.com

Hi A.,
Wow, you have got a tough job on your hands. I don't have any "advice" per say. However, I have recently read a couple of really good books on siblings/parenting that address this issue. I can list them and you can check them out at your liesure. God obviously knows how strong you are! I hope you do too!

Siblings without Rivalry - Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlisch
Parent Effectiveness Training - Dr. Thomas Gordon
Between Parent and Child - Dr. Haim Ginott

PS - I think the best thing you could do for your daughter is to NEVER deny her feelings..let her be angry, happy, sad, whatever...it will go a long way in helping her accept her brother. Don't be afraid of scary/angry feelings.

I am the older sister of a downsyndrome bother. My parents explained to me at a very young age that my brother was very special and how lucky we were to have him in our home. Because of this I never really questioned anything about how rules were different. They explained that his brain was different than mine and that he didn't understand things the way that I did. There were definate times that I would be frustrated with him because it still affected me but I always understood why he didn't get the same consequences. So I would sugggest just being very upfront and honest with her. Kids are sooo insightful and VERY compassionate. Help her to understand that her brother will always look to her to understand how to love and do the right things. So it is important for her to be a good example to him. This always made me feel so important as a young child. Now my brother is a grown adult and is actually a very low functioning downs. I have always felt like him being special somehow made me special because I was chosen to be his BIG sister. I hope this helps. Good luck!

That's a tough one. Will the discipline techniques you are using for your son work your daughter or something very close? I would probably move to changing them to be similiar for consistency and "fairness" but at some point you will need to let your daughter know that her brother is different and has different needs as well.

It may be helpful to take a different perspective on your son and this new diagnosis rather than trying to explain what is 'wrong' with him. If you can take he perspective that nothing is wrong with him, but rather that he is unique, as we all are, then the conversation you can have with your daughter is how he may need more help with some things and less with others. I have three children, and although none of them have a diagnosis, I have found that I have to parent each of them differently - i think that's how it should be. All kids are unique individuals and need to be treated/raised in a way that allows them to be most successful and happy. In that regard, your son is not different, although the how may be very different from what your daughter (and even you) are used to. I would avoid saying there is something wrong with him, because your perspective about this may change as you adjust to this label (diagnosis) that your son has been given. I have worked with children and parents on the autism spectrum for a couple of years, doing a lot of research and hearing where parents are coming from, and there is a process each parent/family goes through. Give yourself some time. Your son is perfect the way he is, part of the human diversity. He is the same little guy he was before he got the label of autism. Consider the diagnosis as a tool to help you meet his needs better, just as you might use an interest, talent or difficulty to help you as a tool to help you meet your daughters needs. If you would like to chat about this more, I would gladly do so, it may be easier via a conversation.

I would explain to her as best you can in 7 yo terms what's going on. Don't change the punishments. We have two boys, neither with special needs other than one has health issues. Their punishments are different just because their personalities are different. Things that were great deterrents for our four yo, the 1 1/2 yo looks at us like we're stupid. We're having to find out whole new meathods for the second. You want your daughter to become the person you originally set out to form, so if you have a system that works, you don't want to change it. With this special little guy in her life, she'll probably grow up to be a very caring and sympathetic person. Help her grow into that rather than giving in to her. It will be a harder road. GL I have a friend with two autistic kids. It's a special calling for the whole family!

I would urge you to seek natural treatments for your son's autism. Did he have a change in behavior or regression after an immunization? Especially vaccines that contain mercury are implicated and I understand they are now encouraging flu shots which contain mercury. Mothering magazine and website are good sources of information about vaccines and the immunization issue as well as natural treatments for autism and good reading lists and organizations. It can be reversible with the right nutrition and special treatments.
I am a mother of four, grandmother of two and got to receive my last grandson in November as I'm also a midwife. If interested you can check my website, www.inspiringbirthstories.com
Best of luck. D.

Hello, I'm an early intervention service coordinator and also a sister of a wonderful woman with a disability. It was very confusing for me as to why my sister got so much attention, but one of the best things my mother did was educate me about her condition and explain her needs. We actually sat down and watched a video about epilepsy. I then felt as an advocate for my sister, but it took some maturing and growing up on my part. It was still difficult, especially between about 5th grade and 9th grade.

Also, there are many different support groups for parents with children with special needs. Do you have a service coordinator, or are you involved in early intervention. Also, if you googel the topic "siblings with siblings with special needs", etc., there are some credible sources with advice.

Hope this helps!!!

Hi Angie!

I have a son from a previous marriage who is now 10 and a 2 year old with my husband who has been diagnosed with Austim. We talk openly with the 10 year old about his sister's issues and how they affect her behavior. He is understanding about it and doesn't get exasperated with her because he knows she is not doing things purposely to cause difficulty. I also think it is a totally normal thing for kids to question why one child gets different treatment regardless of any developmental or behavioral issues. Aside from the autism, a 2 year old is not going to be treated the same way a 7 year old is and I believe a 7 year old is old enough to understand that if you explain it to her in a consistent and calm manner and give her time to adjust. Even outside of the step family and austism issue kids questioning how others are treated is a totally normal developmental issue. Your pediatrician or treatment providers should have some info on how to talk to your daughter about autism if you need some suggestions.

Best wishes to you!

~J.

Hi,
I do not have experience with siblings and autism, but know there are SOOOOOO many resources out there to help you. I am not sure what county you are in, but Jefferson County (COLORADO) has the most amazing resources! Contact DDRC (developmental disabalities resource center) in Lakewood (CO)and they can further guide you to the approriate agency in your county. You are able to recieve special assisitance for him in pre-school through the Child Find program. They will work with him on an individual basis as well as with his peers. DDRC is an agency that provides in home services for individuals with developmental disabalities. They have speech, Physical and occupational therapists who are speicifcly trained to work withthe pediatric population. They also have special ed teachers, nutritionists, child psychologists. Such a great agency with so many wonderful resources. The state just passed a law that all health insurances have to cover in home threapies...still working through all the red tape now. I do not have their ph # handy, but you can look it up on line. I jsut saw in your BIO you are in AZ., still contact DDRC and ask if they have info for you in your home state. BEst wishes!

We have three kids and one of our sons has autism. We make sure each child gets one-on-one time (special day) with mom and dad seperately. This special time enables them to feel like they have some control - maybe deciding where to do, what to do, etc.

Also, a diary is helpful. Kids are good at expressing their thoughts on paper and through artwork. There are also some good books out there for siblings dealing with a less-abled brother or sister - which may be at your library:

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_gw/102-###-###-####-###...

Best of luck!
-C.