I Need HELP!!! Updated at Bottom .. Again Friday

Updated on July 27, 2007
T.J. asks from Clearwater, FL
7 answers

Ok, this is a little complicated, but please bare with me!!! My husband and I have been married for almost 6 years, but have been seperated for 2. I filed for divorce in Feb. and we really haven't spoken at all. We have both been in other MISERABLE relationships that have produced other children. I have been sending my husband letters over these 2 horrible years, with no response. I assumed it was because of his new girlfriend. I sent a letter 2 weeks ago, my divorce was to be settled today. He called me last night asking me why I waited so long to tell him how I felt!! I said I had been sending letters, and to no suprise, he was clueless. He asked me to dismiss the divorce so we could work things out. We live 1100 miles form each other, and we have not been on speaking terms AT ALL. We do have a 4 year old son together, and we were both fighting for full custody. He was supposed to call me tonight so we could figure this out, and hasn't. Did I fall into a trap? I love my husband more than anything, I was stupid for leaving him. He knows I would do almost anything to have my family back. He sounded so sincere on the phone... What would you do if this happened?... Ok, I guess I left out a little lol.. I think he would be willing to move here in FL, the father of my daughter has known for the last two years that if my husband ever wanted me back I would be with him in a heart beat. Plus, we split up a few weeks ago. He's devestated. The new girlfriend will most likely be a huge problem, because she has been since all of this started. I can always file for divorce again if it doesn't work out, I did it once, I guess I could do it again.. ooooff. I'm just so confused. I love him to death!! Stress and financial problems is what made me leave him ... sad but true :( Thank you so much for your resonse, and prayers. We aren't in church, and he wouldn't do the counseling we tried it before, and we couldn't find anyone we liked enough to be so open with. There have been a lot of problems in the marriage early on. We did work through them. A little background on us. We met in August 2001. I was 16, he was 22. I wasnt living at home, and hadnt been for 4 years. We moved in together late september, I turned 17 in October, and we married November 3. We got pregnant July 2002. And from November 2004 until July 05 we were doing great. But then I found out the house we were living in had mold and was condemmend before we moved in, my son WAS SICK, he had to get shots every week, and was on two medications. I brought it up to my lanlord, and he denied it. We always put the rent check in the mialbox for him to pick up, and on the 3rd he never showed, two days later there was an eviction notice for non payment. The only option we had was to move in with his sister, a drunk, and he was recovering. So I couldn't do it, I begged him not to, for us to stay with my sister until we figured it out, and he wouldn't. I dont think I am leaving anything out. LOL..Does this help?

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So What Happened?

Ok, so a lot of feedback, thank you to everyone. I did throw out the divorce, and my husband and I have spoke. We seem to be taking our time, and moving very slow. We were married for four years before we split, so .. we had been through some things, I have updated my letter two times in case you guys didnt know..lol, it's so long. I appreciate every comment, and read them word for word. But I am still torn. Confused, hurt, mad. I don't blame her for anything except takin his mail, I really do believe she did, I have talked to her before and she really is evil, she has said it herself she wasnt letting Jason call me, I understand that he couldnt call from work, I know his job is VERY strict. He recently left that job, and is now calling from work. So I can forgive him, but that really is the only reason I blame her, and I have told her I have nothing against her. But she tries to cause so many problems between Jason and I, and also me and my mother in law. So.. anywhoo.. lol I will keep everyone updated. :)

More Answers



answers from Tampa on

Get together with him to see what he has to say. After 6 years of marriage you will be able to tell if he is sincere or not. Make sure whatever you do, that it is what is best for you and your child.
I believe if a marriage has a chance to be saved it is worth a try. He needs to move closer to you and take it a step at a time.

Remember God always helps those in need, pray to him and he will guide you.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Tampa on

I would go through with the divorce.

That way, if things don't work out between you, you wont have that hanging over you anymore AND you'll be able to cut from him easily AND you wont have to go through the hell of filing again.

THEN, AFTER the divorce.... *IF* you can work through your issues, you should not marry him again. There's nothing wrong with that.

Sometimes, it's the act of being married that messes up a relationship. Psychology.




answers from Tampa on

I would do what ever is best for the child. Since you have a child with him, you probably should try to work things out w/ him. Good luck!



answers from Tampa on

Think long and hard on this. Would you and he be able to start again and are you loyal enough to stay with him through better or for worse. Those are the vows that you took in the first place. I don't mean to be hard on you. If I were he, I don't know if I'd trust you to stick around. Marriage is a life long commitment and stress and financial problems are not the right reason to get a divorce. Would you both have a insecurity problem because of the relationships you've both aquired while being separated. What about the children that came about from the other relationships? Children need their father involved in their life! There is alot to think about. You both need to really talk about this and if you have a Pastor I would definately seek advice from him. This is a very tough situation. Don't go back to him if you don't plan on staying with him for the rest of your life. Marriage is a covenant with man and God that should not be broken over financials and stress!! Children do get hurt and if your not being abused or cheated on than you should keep your commitment!
Very Sincerely,
L. Jacobs



answers from Tampa on

Hi T.,
I would love to talk to you about this. How old are you and hubby? How long did you know him before you married? Have you had problems all through the marriage? Tell us more about your situation.

From what you have said, I think that maybe some counseling might help both of you to get to the root of some of your issues with each other. Marriage is a very important institution that will benefit both of you and your children. However marriage takes a lot of work. Love is wonderful, but marriage is not held together by love only, it is held together by commitment of the two people. Both of you must be committed to the marriage and to each other for it to work.

Since I am a Christian my perspective is from Godly wisdom. I see marriage between a man and a woman, with God at the center of the relationship. When both are committed to each other and hold God in high esteem as the center of their relationship then it is more likely to succeed rather than a marriage that is held together by "love" only. Of course you must love each other but the key, here again, is commitment.

If hubby is not committed to you and the marriage, all the love in the world will not make it work.

Needy people tend to put themselves in relationships that "save" them. If you are needy then you are going into your relationship with a handicap. By needy I am talking about needing to have someone, needing financial support, needing to be "taken care of", feeling like they can't live without someone. When a person is not needy they are more apt to choose a husband because of other reasons -- this person is someone they want to love and care for, this person is someone they want to be in a committed relationship with for the rest of their life, this person is someone who they want to have fun with. Notice that I am talking about what you can do to enhance your husband's life, not what he can do for you. Good relationships are built on the desire to "give" to the other person.

I wish you the best. Please feel free to email me anytime. I will pray for you, T., and your husband.




answers from Tampa on


this is only a decision you can make. you have to do what is right for you. i believe in marriage and the sanctity that it holds. my opion is that anytime a marriage can be saved (without a divorce) especially when there is a child involved it should be. i do not know why you left your husband but what reason would he have to just stop the divorce? you should pray and ask God for guidance, he will provide! i hope things work out for you!!



answers from Tampa on

i don't know if i would completely dismiss the divorce, but if you truly love him and he loves you, your marriage deserves a chance for healing.

i have been through a divorce. it's horrid. i tried very hard to save my marriage before i finally called it quits. let me tell you - divorcing my ex was truly the hardest thing i have ever done in my life.

i can tell you my saving grace for my sanity was my church. my faith is all that held me together through the entire ordeal.

call him and try before you throw in the towel. if he is serious, he is going to have to move closer to you and the little on for this to even begin working. you can't live that far apart and truly try to heal a marriage.

i understand wanting your family back together. please understand that he has to want it too - and he does have a new girlfriend and a new family, so he is going to have to choose. what about your new children. how will the father feel? will he be willing to just let the baby go so you can go back to your husband?

for this to really heal, you need family counseling and he is going to have be closer than 1100 miles. down the road is more like it.

praying for you and your family

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