Need Some Advice About My 1 Yr Old, Concerning Leaving Him with Someone Else.

I dont know, my daughter did best adjusting to being away form me when I started with small frames of time. Then I gradually increased the time frame I was away. It worked for her. She did cry the entire time I was gone for the first several times I left. It will take some getting used to, but he will adjust.

L.

My 3 year old son is like this. We tried pushing him into social situations early on so he would "get over it" but it completely backfired. He never liked his mother's day out program and couldn't be left with a babysitter without initially crying and clinging (and getting really sullen and depressed leading up to it). Since we took him out of the 2 day a week MDO last month, he has been so much more confident and happy. We've left him with a sitter a few times (even at a friend's house he had never been to!) and he has not shed a single tear. This is really huge. I think that because he had such bad separation anxiety when we first started taking him to MDO (at 18 months), he always had a bad association with it. Now we are trying to make sure every time we leave him it is a positive experience so he will start to enjoy having time with friends, babysitters, school, etc. So far, so good! I would just caution against pushing your child to adjust if it's clear that he's really unhappy. I know kids go through stages and get over things like this but not all kids are the same. A book that helped me understand this is, "The Highly Sensitive Child" by Elaine Aron. Perhaps it would be helpful for you too.

Another thought: I babysit for a little girl who cried 8 hours a day the first time her parents left her with a sitter (not me). She did this day after day, 8 hours a day (she was 6 months old at the time). They hired me to watch her after only meeting me once and she never cried for me. I mean, a little here and there of course but no where near all day long. Some childcare situations are a good fit for your child while others aren't. You may just have to keep shopping around until you find the right one.

Good luck!
M.
www.nomommybrain.com

Hi K.,

I would suggest that you ease him into staying with other caregivers in stages so it is less "traumatic" Separation anxiety is normal and it affects some kids more than others, however he will have to learn how to be apart from mom and dad sooner or later for your own sanity, economic reasons and for his growth and development. The important thing is that you feel comfortable with who is caring for your son and that will transfer over to him (eventually, anyway). Kids understand a lot more than they can express so it would be helpful to explain to him that he will be staying with so and so and that you will be back (tell him a specific time frame) so he knows you are in fact coming back for him. It is likely he will cry at first but after a few times it should get easier for him. If he starts crying before you leave it is best to give him a reassuring hug, tell him you'll be back in a certain amount of time, tell him he will be okay and then leave quickly. Maybe try an hour the first time then extend it out from there. I have 2 kids, age 8 and almost 14. I remember having a tough time with my oldest when he was baby but it all worked out pretty quickly.

I hope that helps.

C. Bombardier, MSW
MindMatters Hypnosis & Counseling
The Prenatal & Postpartum Center of the Carolinas
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Wonderful advice you are receiving! I just want to add it will be really hard for about the first week. Everytime we move, military, my children would start a new daycare and the crying fits would happen. After about a week, they would run away from me and forget to even say goodbye. My son stayed home with me the most so it took him a couple of weeks. Also, he still cries in the morning if he is tired. Make sure he is getting plenty of sleep so he will be in a good mood early mornings! Good luck and wish you the best.

K.,
Seperation anxiety is common. Most kids will get past it. You could start by showing him that he can be secure that you will return. Start with small short trips. Leve him with someone he is comfortable with for a short time like 15 mins and come back. This shows him that you are not leaving him and will be back. Increase the time of these goings away. If you can do this with the person or day care facility you will be using it would be an easier adjustment. If there are other kids there too, it woudl be a little easier. He would get distracted. I had the luck to live in a town in NJ where the high school had a parenting and child care class. Three days a week they took potty trained children in. At first it was hard to leave. I had to wait till he was distracted, or sometimes left him crying. I was easier each time. After a short period of time, he would run and play and forget I was even leaving. I am not aware of any programs like this down here. ut there may be some centers that will work with you.
Hope this helps

S. J
________FIGHT LYME DISEASE
www.ShazzArtisticVisions.com

you have to take him some where theri are other kid and put him down and let him play and then you go out of site they have moms morning out at a lot of church so you might try that maybe not leave him there just let him play with other kids and the n just leave the room do this 4 or 5 times and the n you can work your way in to what you need to do

I can imagine how tough this is for you! What I would do is break him in slowly now...before you go to work. Start letting him stay with someone else for about an hour a day - or even better find a church that has "mother's day out" so other children will be there. My mom used to work in daycare - and was great at it - so the best advice - when you drop them off, kiss them, hug them, but don't keep hanging around if they start crying - it only prolongs it. He will get used to it...but he has to do it for while in order to get used to it. Good luck!

My children always did better when their dad dropped them off with the babysitter or daycare. They cried less for their dad. I have no clue why. You might want to try having your spouse drop your little one off and see if it goes smoother.

Have you thought about working from home. There are alot of safe and legitimate work at home jobs. I have a son who is twelve and is the same way. If I have to be gone all day at work or just for appointments when I get home he is constantly yelling my name that he needs me or crying for me.(He is mildly autistic)So I have started working at home and work outside the home part-time. Hope it works out.

Hi K.! I work in a church nursery every weekend and I see this a lot. Even kids who are regulars sometimes have problems with separation anxiety. If you can, spend some time with your child and his care giver in the setting where he will be spending time. I have one child in my Sunday morning class who just started coming three weeks ago. He's a toddler and he cried a lot the first week, a little less the second and even less last week, his third. It definitely helps if you know and trust the person he is in the care of. Once he starts getting comfortable with that person, you can start easing out for short periods. It would be best to start easing him into the transition soon because a gradual approach would probably work best, and also before you know it, that month is gone. You don't want him to been thrust into a situation like that suddenly and you're at work and can't do anything about it. He most definitely needs to be around kids his age. He probably will pick up some bad habits and some illnesses, but the social, mental and physical benefits of the interaction with other kids will be huge! I hope this advice helps!

Dear K.

Here is an suggestion.
Have who ever you think will do a good job watching your child.
Come over a few times and visit.
Let them get to know each other.
Let them have time with your child.
Then maybe you can graduly leave untill
he understands.

Vicki W.

I had the exact same issue with all three of my kids. I had a hard time getting babysitters to come back because the kids cried the whole time. They started with mother's morning out and I'd take them and stay for awhile the first time, then started to leave them and they did adjust eventually. Or, if you were going to have a caregiver in your home they could come get to know your child while you are there a few times to ease the transition, and maybe leave them for a half hour and come back, then make it longer periods. They learn that you will return. I did have a hard time with this so I feel for you.

my experience with my 2 yr old is the more you leave him the better he will be with it. he may cry at first but he will more than likely stop soon after you leave. i am a SAHM and my son was always very clingy and didn't want to stay with anybody but we put him in a MMO program one day a week and started leaving him with my inlaws almost every week for an hour or two, he even stays the night at least once a month now and he does so much better!!

Hey K.,

If you have the time, start merging him in with other children at a park, or make play times. Try to make it an adventure, and how much fun it will be. Get a friend to take him out in the yard and play, out of your site, but not out of ear shot. You dont want it to be traumatic. Good luck, and you are lucky if you have a job, but luckier if you can stay home with the little one. Even if you stay home, you should start doing Mothers Day out at a local church, once or twice a week. Socially dysfunctional is not good at any age.

I think daycare would be a great thing for him. I would make a collage of family pictures to keep with him at daycare. This helps my daughter at daycare. You can also wean him in by taking him a couple hours a day for a week or so. Is he going to cry...yes, is he going to scream...yes. but the caretakers are use to it and know how to handle it.
Just remember when you drop him off, make it short and sweet and be strong. Take him to his class, give him a kiss, tell him I love you, have a great day. I will see you later and leave. Don't look back even if he cries, its hard, but it works. Shows him you feel safe where he is and he should too!
good luck to both of you!

Have you tried to gradually get away from him?
Maybe a few weeks or a month or so before you go back to work you can leave him for an hour then the next time maybe 2 hrs, then gradually build it up till you can leave him a full day. That might help.
Good luck. It is hard leaving the little ones when they are not crying, but it is just one of those things that we have to do sometimes. I have done the same thing and it is still hard.
Good luck!

will there be other kids his age where you will take him while you work? Sometimes that will make a difference. Try leaving him with a sitter (perhaps where he will stay once you start back to work) for short periods of time. Sort of a gradual transition. I bet he'll do fine though. My situation was the same. My children have never had a sitter...just me, daddy and the grandparents. ONce it came down to it and I had to leave my youngest (14 months at the time, now 3 years) with a sitter he did just fine. But, not just for your child's sake, but for your peace of mind too, you may want to start leaving him for short periods to see how he adjusts and to make your back to work experience a lot less stressful.

Our youngest was the same way,now at 25 months the only time he is apart from my hubby and I is when he goes to the nursery at church and small group.The first time we left him he was just over 1 and screamed for 40 min. It gets better and better every time. Now he still screams when going in but stops after 3-5 min and does great the rest of time Your son will be ok, you just need to find a person who will be willing to work with him and will not freak out and give up after 10 min.We are very thankfull for laddies at our church:)

I'm sure part of it is his age right now- separation axiety is at its worst right around 1 yr-15 mos for most kids. The good thing about that is that it is a phase that will get better. But I definitely recommend that you start leaving him for short periods soon. It is good for kids to be away from their mom. I'm a SAHM too, and I can definitely tell my son needs time away from me. (And I need a break too, he's always been a needy baby.)

Most daycares are trained for this especially at this age. You might be surprised how well he does after a couple of days. Maybe you can start leaving him for short periods at the daycare you pick, to transition him into the place where he needs to get used to, but you aren't leaving him all day yet. And I think once he gets used to it at this age, you won't have problems later. I'm sure the separatiion anxiety phase is making it worse than it would be at a different time.

I hope it goes well, good luck!

All children experience some form of separation anxiety at this age. He's not sure that when you leave you will come back and you need to teach him that. I would take him to a baby-sitter for about 2 weeks before you decide to go back to work. Stay with him until he gets used to them and leave for an hour everyday then come back. Once he figures out you will return his anxiety will go away. I would inform the person caring for him that he will probably cry for the hour that you're gone so they are prepared. It's all about security. It will seem like he's not going to be able to do it but you will find that it's not at all that bad and probably will be worse on you than him. Good luck!

You can check into an au pair. She would be a live in, so she would be associated with the home and part of the family. goaupair is an agency that I work for. You can see if they have a local area representative by visiting their web site www.goauair.com

K.,
It sounds like you've kept him all to yourself since day one. I did the same with my first. The best advice I can give you is to slowly integrate more children and adults into his little world. Invite a friend over for a playdate. Get out and make sure he plays with other children at a local park. Expand his world beyond his immediate family. He'll be willing to spend time apart once he sees there is fun to be had apart from mommy and daddy. Remember baby steps. First, stay nearby as he plays with a trusted friend in your home. Then try going to another room for a few minutes. Eventually, work up to saying good-bye and leave for about 15 minutes. You can be outside, but don't let him know you're there. Gradually, you'll work up to an hour at a time and longer. Two things to remember: 1)always let him know that you're leaving; nothing scares a child more than having mommy there one minute and gone the next. 2)build up blocks of time in increments he can handle; you know him best, so use your best judgement.
At first you'll have a tough time, but he'll learn to adjust. Children are quite resilient. It will be hard for you at first, especially when he cries! Don't let him see you upset or make a big deal when you leave. Put on a happy face and reassure him mommy will be right back. You can do it!!

Hi K.
I experienced a similar situation with my little and it turns out that I was the one who had the most anxiety about it. My little one did great. It took a week or two but he adjusted well. A couple of tips. If you've already established care, take him a few times and stay with him so that he can become familiar with the environment and still have you to turn to. When you drop him off the first day stay with him for a little bit to make sure he feels established. The caregiver should also take a part in helping the situation. Make sure you give your son to the caregiver as you drop him off. Your caregiver should hold him and offer him a chance to say good-bye to you and then take him to the play area so she can divert his attention. For you, try not to let the drop off linger because it can just make him more upset, but always make sure that the caregiver takes him so he can be comforted if need be.

Good luck with your transition, it's usually harder for the parents than the child. Children are resilient even if they've stayed home with mom/dad.

P.

You are going to have to leave him with someone, repeatedly, and allow him to cry it out. If he gets so hysterical he passes out, then that may just be how it needs to be. Certainly do not wait until you are actively job hunting in order to find someone to care for him in your absence. I would make sure you are leaving him quickly without a bunch of fanfare and do not play into any drama or manufacture it due to your own feelings in this situation. I am surprised at how many parents I have observed (dropping off at school, parties, play dates) who clearly telegraph their own issues onto their child and take the drama up several notches. Sometimes they don't realize it, sometimes they do-but either way, be cognizant of it.

Mothers morning out is not your solution if he can't even allow you to be at a funeral for heaven sake. You are going to have to hire a 1:1 caregiver and walk out the door and not return for at least two hours. How are you going to go on interviews and be on time for work if he is throwing a fit because you are gone? Deal with it now, not in a month, because you are not doing him any favors by extending this situation.

I hope this is a built in PSA for parents who never take time for themselves to have dates with their spouse, alone time or whatever--and have their kids with them 24/7. Things DO happen where you need to leave them and they need to know that it is okay when you are away and that you will return.

When you seek childcare whether it is a daycare center or a private person talk to them about your concerns. Ask how they handle it and make sure your comfortable about what they do before leaving your child in their care. Something that might help is having someone come into your home. So you can leave even if it is just to go grocery shopping. I would suggest if you do this leave for the first time 15 minutes,then 30,then 45. Make sure you are happy and in a good mood. Children pick up on parents being upset and unhappy as much as they pick up on parents being happy. At the funeral you could have been upset and your little one picked up on that. Good Luck and God Bless!

I sincerely hope that you will Talk, Talk, Talk to your son. Tell him that mommy will come back, and even if he cannot see you that you will always come back to him. I sincerely wish that you could wait a little longer before returning to work. I stayed home with my little ones even though we had No Extra Money, and barely made it through, we (hubby and I) decided that our boys were more important than my RN salary income. We struggled, but survived. Our oldest son graduated from West Point this past May, and our baby(6ft, 1 inch!)is working in a nearby town. Being a mother who stayed home helped in our situation. My thoughts and prayers are with you, and your child. Separation anxiety is no small thing.

Hi K.,
I am a F/T working mom. Initially, my mother watched my son, but for various reasons, we moved him into a home daycare when he was around 20 mos. His separation anxiety was awful, and I never thought he would adjust after staying with my mother. He would scream and hang on to me when I dropped him off. This lasted for weeks and I just thought it wasn't going to work, but I hung in there. It took a while, but the anxiety eventually eased off.
A seasoned provider will be able to handle the anxiety, and will understand that this all normal for his age. I would just mention his separation anxiety when you are looking for a daycare or provider, and take him with you to the interviews. A good connection between your son and the provider, and a person that will keep the lines of communication open with you, will make all the difference on how quickly he adjusts. It isn't going to be easy, so prepare yourself mentally and emotionally for that, too. If you can, start off slowly by taking him a couple of times a week for a few hours, and increase the time spent from there.
My son is now 2 1/2 yo and goes to a larger daycare and loves it. He is very social, well-adjusted, and independent at daycare and at home. He loves people and isn't afraid of interacting with adults and other children. Don't put too much into how your son is reacting now to how he will be in the future. As he gets older, the anxiety will dissolve- it's all part of growing up!