Need Help with 4Yr Old and 6 Yr Old Rivalry

I have to say it is great to read that some others go through the same things I've been going through! I have 6 year old twin boys and believe me, we have some days that just drive me crazy!

Some things that seem to work for us are:

Taking away privliges (computer, tv, or playing with friends) I usually give one warning for bad attitude or bad behavior, so they can do a quick adjustment if they want to. If they decide not to, you have to stick with the punishment.

Spending extra time with them, either alone or together. If I think our whole house is feeling stressed, I make an effort to do more cuddling, tickling, and playing. That should be natural, but we all get so busy just working, doing laundry, making dinner, we forget sometimes.

Outside activity helps too. Now that the weather is nicer, the more time they spend outside on the trampoline, the better. They get to be physical without turning it into a fight.

And I always wonder, am I stressed because they are misbehaving, or are they misbehaving because I'm stressed. They seem to go hand in hand.

Anyway, hope some of this helps. At least know you are definitely not alone!

L.

Boy! Sounds like we are mirror images. I have 4 and 6 year old boys, too. Use to sing professionally and sketch also. We have a business out of our home and wanted to homeschool until the end of last year when our business really took off and time was extremely limited.

My younger boy is probably the biggest instigator when it comes to being competitive. I would echo the suggestions you have already received. I also speak with my guys, not down to them. Don't yell or become loud when they misbehave, but treat what THEY did as a choice THEY made. The coming punishment comes from a decision they made to misbehave. Be very matter-of-fact not emotional. (I know, hard to do sometimes!) Let them know for every action there is a reaction or consequence. Make sure they know the rules. "It's alright to make a mess in this area, but know then that it is your responsibility to clean up that mess before the next activity (dinner, reading time, etc...)". Make sure they know what is to be expected AHEAD OF TIME.

One thing I know for sure. Don't just threaten. FOLLOW THROUGH. If you say they will not get anything else that night to eat if they do not eat x amount of bites, etc. then follow through with it. They will definately have a fit, but only until they know mom AND dad are not going to bend. Treats and fun times come when they follow the rules. We, as a family, all want to enjoy our time together. The choice is up to them whether they will participate in that time together. Just be clear (both of you, Mom and Dad)with them what you expect and (did I say it enough, yet?) Follow through.

It has worked for us. Also, the alone time at bedtime or during the day, whatever works for you, has also been another big boost to their ablility to know that they are equally important and are equally cared about in the family. Start a project. My husband and I went to a hobby shop and let the boys pick out a plane and car and once or twice a week they spend a little time on it with Dad. It gives them a sense of accomplishment to see what they have completed in that time period and it gives them each some one on one time. My little one does get ancy when Daddy is with older brother, but then he and I will read, cook, etc. together and he calms down and is genuinely pleased. It has helped our sanity and theirs.
They don't want to be upset and stressed.

It's like when they are a baby. They liked to be swaddled firmly. It gave them a sense of safety. They still need that. They need us to be strong and give them a consistant environment where they know what's expected and what will happen if those rules given are not obeyed.

Good luck!

I have a 4 1/2, 6, and 7 1/2 year old (a girls) and we have had some of the same problems. I tried everything and nothing seemed to work. The latest thing that I tried is taking ALL of their things away b/c of bad behavior. The only thing they had left in their rooms were their beds, their clothes, and books. This has seemed to work well. They have to earn back the rest of their stuff. For each day of good behavior, they get to choose one item to return to their room and if they act up again, that toy is removed. My girls did not like this at all. In fact, my 7 1/2 year old broke into tears when she came home from school to see what had happened. On the eating issue, my 6 year old is the same way. What we do that has seemed to work is she has to at least try one bite (if it is a new food) before she can get down from the table. If she chooses not to eat the meal that I provide, she will be hungary until the next meal, no snacks or anything. Another thing that we have tried is if she doesn't eat the meal when it is mealtime, I will put it away and she will eat it at the next mealtime. Both of these have worked well.

hi R., i am definitely gonna look back to see what other responses you receive about sibling rivalry.
as for them not listening to you i would make a list of the rules and what the consequences will be for not following the rules and you follow thru.
as for not eating what you make for dinner make it clear eat your dinner or go without, you are not a short order cook.
and make sure you tell them how much they have to eat of each make sure its in the amount of portions thay can eat. and watch what they are snacking on in the daytime and if its close to dinner time. hope it helps W. mom of 4

my boys are 3 and 6 so they aren't exactly the same age but I'm working through the same conflicts.

The first thing to do is lay down the rules. No hitting, kicking, biting, spitting. List all the mean things they do.
No talking back to mom.
Follow instructions the first time.

Then you tell them you will give them a choice between following the rule or they will lose something. Start with their favorite things then work your way down to losing their freedom. Yes that means you may have to strip their rooms of everything including decor then leave them there. You tell them up front, that they will choose or you will enfore the negative choice and that will cost them something

You say, "Johnny you have a choice get out of your brother's personal space right now or you can lose your television privileges for the night. " Then follow through. To get something back they have to be good for an hour for every year of age. To request it back they need to come to you and apologize for whatever they did wrong and ask for a hug. you can say, "First you need to say I'm sorry mommy for hitting my brother with that pillow" then you can say "Okay, now can I have a hug" they need to hug and apologize to each other as well.

You husband has to be in on this, he has to practice it when he's at home.

Here's a place to go to get more information on choices and the motivations behind bad behavior. http://lifematters.com/step.asp

Once you have the new rules posted and understood you need to make an extra effort to share something fun with each of the kids alone.

Here's what we do. The younger one gets into the bath at 8. His bath time is over after only 5 minutes then I sit down for special time for 5 minutes then we read for 20 minutes and he goes to bed. Then I start the older one's bedtime routine.

The older one is on the computer (subject to having compeuter priviledges at the time) while I'm working with the younger one.

Special time is something that you do totally alone with one kid at a time. You bring out 2 toys that don't have rules put them at a table and say "this is our special time you can choose from one of these toys to play with me." once he chooses then you put the other one away and sit down at the table, Then you tell him that you two can play at the table but if he gets up you can't play with him. (keep in mind that if he gets lippy, or aggressive with his speech toward you the time is over and you tell him so and that you are putting the stuff away right then, but you are still going to read---no exceptions. And this time is not contingent on good behavior outside of special time.)

Here are the rules you must follow during special time
No questions
No commands
No conflicting statements like "well we do things this way"
then you focus on these things:
*Praise him for every thing. I like it when you choose the green blocks, I loved the way you stacked those legos, I am happy that you are smiling. I appreciated you picking that toy up off the floor.
*Reflection: if he says something nice you repeat it
*Imitation: if he chooses a yellow block you choose a yellow block too
*Description: You chose a yellow block, you placed that leggo on the top, on the table... eventually you can spin them into praise too. You chose to put that yellow block on top of the tower. You had a great idea to put that block on top of the tower.
Enthusiasm: act excited at every good move and word.

At the end of the 5 minutes you tell him special time is over and you are going to put away the toys, he doesn't have to help but you are going to put away the toys.

Then you move on to books.

This really lets them know that good words can come from you. So during the day use those praises. You have to go beyond, good job, and Thank you to saying "Johnny, you did a good job picking up the cereal that was spilled on the floor!!!!" even if he spilled it and you had to tell him to clean it up after punishing him.

the motive is to say 100X more good things than bad and it can really feel fake at first but when it becomes a natural part of you the kids will act better.

You did a wonderful thing looking for other options on the internet.

R.,
I am going to just tell you to hold in there girl, it only gets worse with the rivalry. I have 3 boys 9,7,and almost 5.
My two oldest used to fist fight everytime I turned around, it drove me crazy. I found an activity that they could get involved in and that did help with occupying their time so they did fight as much, at least the fist fighting stopped. They still argue a lot of the time and always want to be the first at everything. I put them in Karate (Karate Zone) and they learned how to control themselves a little more, and respect for me.
There is always going to be a rivalry between them no matter what you do. They are brothers, and I remember fighting with mine all time also.
As far as the eating he is entering that picky stage and nothing is good except junk. Just bare with it and tell him if he eats 4-5 bites of something he can have something else. Or even take out a couple of different things for dinner and ask him what he would like, and than if possible let him help you make it. If he feels like he cooked it, he may want to eat it.
Hope it helps, hang in there you will get through it.
J.