Dinner with 3 Children 5 and Under Is like a Circus in Our Home!

Hi D.,

I did not read through all the responses so I am probably repeating what is being said...

I have 2 boys, ages 4 and 18 months. Recently my 4 year old started complaining about the meals I was making. If you knew me you'd know that that doesn't fly. From 18 months I started really pushing table manners. Each night (regardless of if he has eaten what I put in front of him) he needs to thank me for the dinner provided and ask to be excused before he leaves the table. And he does this. No matter what he puts up for a fuss he knows what needs to be said to leave. My husband and I explain to him that the meal we have provided for him is the only option. I am not a short order cook and what we eat is what we eat. I'm a very picky eater so its not like I'm serving extremely fancy things :-)
I've also found that whenever I include my oldest son in the cooking process he doesn't complain nearly as much. I do this as often as possible.
My 18 month old is still at the point where he'll eat anything. I've just started working on table manners with him...we've got a LONG way to go :-)
Best of luck and just remember - this will pass and get easier.

~A.

I feel the same way, and I only have 2 kids!!!
It is absolute madness!!!!!
So exhausting and frustrating... you are not alone! :)

I see you already have a few suggestions, but here is my two cents.
My sons are 26 months apart. Dinner is always a hard time for me because the youngest is served snacks at daycare at 2/3pm and the oldest is as well, but later in the day. (BTW: I hate that they give them these but they claim by law they can't refuse them to the kids while others are eating!! what BS) Anyways, once that started, I fought at dinner every night. Most of the time they weren't hungry at dinner time then as soon as I put them to bed they said they were.
I do two things now which work at different times.
1) I started having dinner a little later at night when I knew they would be hungry. I would do the hole nightly routine including play, pickup, and bath, then dinner wasn't served till about 7pm. Afterwards it was a book then bed. PERIOD!
2) If they WERE hungry, but just wouldn't eat due to playing, fighting, screaming, then I would set up a posterboard across the table so that they couldn't see each other. This way neither one of them could see the other to start anything.

Good luck either way! I've been doing these for at least 6 months now and it works for my boys.

what we do is they need to try the dinner.. we set a rule that if they are done at the table (even if they didn't eat), they have to be excused... my 2.5 year old just says excused? then we say yes or no. we leave their food on the table in case they want to come back and eat.. it's not a cure all but it helps a little

Rule in our house is you eat what is made or you don't eat. My 7yo has always hated potatoes of an kind (yes even french fries) knowing this I will also make a pot of rice but for the main part it is eat what is made. If they are hungry they will eat. If you are "experimenting" with food and try somethinging totally out of "left field" you may want a back up plan (for everyone) but for the most part if you are making wholesome, healthy, good meals they should eat. My 7yo didn't believe the rule until she went to bed hungry one night. I made a meal she normally would eat but she "didn't feel like eating that" and I reminded her of the rule. She said "you won't make me go to bed hungry so I'm not eating!" She ate a good breakfast the next morning and never tried that again. The only time I have ever broke my own rule is when they are sick. When sick they get offered what is made and if they don't eat I offer other things. Good luck! A.

If they do not want to eat, take away their plates. There
is always breakfast the next day! End of discussion. You
must be the strong one.

Your house sounds similar to mine! My kids are 5 1/2, 3 1/2 & 1 1/2, they don't like anything I make - I try trust me... So I have for the most part given up for now... I make their staples, so that I don't lose my mind...Mac & Cheese, Chicken Fingers, pasta, etc... Every once in a while I can get pork chops or chicken breast into them - but other than that they fight me tooth and nail. My 2 little ones eat some veggies and all fruits, but my oldest will only eat Banana's and NO veggies at all... It is really tough. But I make sure they get their vitamins and calcium and try and sneak in veggies when I can (get a cookbook on how to hide veggies, it helps some). I also learned that having them make their food will sometimes get them to try new things. Bribery also works at times - lol!

GOOD LUCK!

I think it is a wonderful family value to have everyone eating together. When my step dtrs were young they would have a food fights on occasion. They would have to pick up the food, if they wanted to eat at all. And then, they only got what was served. I think if you are ok with making them all seperate foods that is up to you, but it may not encourage them to try other foods. Even if my kids do not like what is on their plate, they have to have a few bites of each item to get more of the items they do like. (I ignore the whining) If they don't like anything, they still have to have a few bites to get a healthy snack after dinner (usually fruit, then peanut butter crackers so they get fiber and protein). If they don't try anything, they go to bed hungry, water only. One night of whining and they become more willing to try other foods, and eat healthy snacks if they are hungry. I try to only have sweet snacks 2 nights a week. Hope this is helpful to you.

although the proposed idea amy be difficult at first, why not try it.
do not feed them all at the same time.

Hi D.,
I remember being at my sister in laws one night and watched her prepare mac and cheese for the boys, mashed potatoes for her husband,pizza,chicken nuggets and steak!!!! I was shocked!! I vowed that I would never turn into a "buffet". I have a 7 and 5 year old and sometimes they don't like what I make and I tell them "that's fine" you may eat again at the next meal!! I would say I did that maybe 2 times and never have they questioned or refused to eat! So many mom's today will make something else so the child will eat!! If they are hungry they'll eat what you give them. Had I given in I am sure I would be running around like a short order cook,lol!!
Good Luck

Hi D.,
Sorry that dinner is such a crazy time. I think you've got a couple of different things going on.
First is behavior. There need to be rules and expectations. No one ever tried throwing food in my house. I would set clear rules for behavior at the table - no fighting, no spitting out food or saying something is gross, etc - and if the rule is broken, there is punishment/consequences just like any other rule being broken. If you want your half hour of Spongebob after dinner, you need to earn it by behaving properly at the table. I would also be sure the 5 year old knows that he/she has to behave like a 5 year old and not like the 2.5 year old.
The other thing is the selection of food. It can be hard to please a family of 2 adults and 3 kids with one meal, but you also can't be a short order cook. I don't make foods that someone hates, but sometimes a dinner may be served that isnt' someone's favorite. My suggestion is to serve a main course that appeals to the most people you can, and then serve a lot of simple sides. If the kids don't like the roast beef, but there's cooked string beans, mashed potatoes, raw carrots and cucumbers, and rolls, they can make a meal out of the sides. I wouldn't fight with them over it, just let them take what they want. They might be encouraged to try something new if they see a sibling eating it. Taking this approach with lots of sides is how one of my kids discovered they LOVE olives :)
Good luck!

Serve them what you make and if they dont eat it, dont say anything. But dont let them have snacks later on. If they get hungry offer them their dinner or a carrot, apple etc. NO sugery junk. If they eat their dinner or most of it then they can have a sweet. They will learn if you are consistent about it. IMO too much is made out of kids 'cleaning' their plates. It causes kids to eat more than they want/need and leads to obesity.
As far as misbehaving, they need to learn this is not acceptable. Find a consequence they will hate and stick to it.
Perhaps making the child face the corner during dinner or losing tv privileges afterwards. BTW I had 4 boys that all had to sit down to dinner and behave. I didnt care if they ate or not, but they had to sit at the table during the meal and contribute to the conversation. I seldom had problems, because they knew the routine.
Having said all this, if there is a particular food that one of them just hates, perhaps you can make a side dish that they will eat.

Here are some things that work in our family. My sister has 4 kids, 4 and under, I have 3 kids 5 and under. Some of our coping strategies may help.

1. Strap them all in. Get 3 of those portable high chair seats, and buckle everybody up. Yes, even the "big" ones if they have ants in their pants.

2. Do NOT make them something different, or you'll be cooking 4 separate meals every night.

3. Do offer choices within the meal. (You can have 2 bites of carrots or 1 bite of squash, you may have your broccoli with or without cheese...)

4. Let them eat ketchup! It may look gross, but it's amazing what kids will eat if they can have ketchup on it.

Good luck - we're right there with you!

I have four children and since they started sitting at the table with us for dinner they either eat what I make or they do not eat at all. None of my children have ever starved. this is just the way it has always been. A few times they have gone to bed with nothing and ate a little more in the morning. Also if they do not eat dinner they do not get a snack or desert after wards. They also have to sit at the table during dinner even if they choose not to eat. That is our family time and we talk about what happened during the day. What the best part of their day was and what the worse part was. We talk about what is going on outside our window also. My husband and I keep them engaged in conversation. I have been taking them all out to eat since they were 6 weeks old. They learned how to behave in restaurants simply by taking them there and showing them how. We have had a few out bursts when we were out to eat but the person who is the cause of the problem is removed from the situation and talked to. Usually we go outside. They then have a choice go back in and behave or sit in the car with one of the adults. It will take practice for them to all behave at the table. Set up some family dinner time rules and post them where they can see them. I know most of them can not read but you can get some magazines and cut out pictures of kids behaving at the table and glue them on. Have them help you on this project. They will be more likely to obey the rules then. You can get a reward jar with each of their names on it. When they behave at the table give them a marble to put in the jar. When they fill their jar it shows they have learned proper table manners. Instead of buying them a prize let them pick a restaurant in your area they would like to try. Even if they pick McDonald's. Good luck. With a little work and patience you will have peace at the dinner table.

PS I do not require that they "clean their plates" every night. They have to at least try the dinner I make and eat a fair amount of it. I have read alot of research on this subject and it's of the route causes to obesity. People feeling they can't waste food so they eat even when they are not hungry any more. I do not give them desert right after eating dinner. I wait a while and they usually get it as a snack before getting ready for bed.

Try to get your 5yo on board first (whether a reward, helping cook, etc)and then the other 2 may follow his lead more easily.

I have a 4 year old who is very picky and a 3 year old who will eat almost anything! Even though the 3 yr old eats anything there is alway a problem at the dinner table with both of them! I was catering to my older one because of her pickyness but have stopped. I truly believe that a child will not starve him or herself. When they are hungry enough they will eat. If you start to cater to your children because they are picky you are going to be making ten different things for dinner every night and you will never get the kids to try and eat new things. Since I stopped catering to them they both now eat a variety of meats (my 4 yr old would never eat meat and only eat pasta or rice) I am still working on veggies with the big one but the little one eats almost any veggie now. It is tought in the beginning but has worked for me. Also part of what I did was to make sure that I would make a side dish I was sure they would eat. I would only give them the side dish after they ate some of the meat or what ever it was that they were refusing to eat. This way if they tried the main dish and did not like it there was something for them to eat. Like I said before now they both eat pretty well I the problem is getting less and less.
Good luck!!! Would love to hear back to find out how it works out.

I hate to say it D. but you are just going to have to take control. When my nephew was 3, I watched him cause a horrible ruckus at Thanksgiving dinner to the point he kept getting up running around the house until he eventually ran into and broke a huge potted plant sending dirt everywhere.

His father's reaction was the pot shouldn't have been there. My SIL and my reaction was even at 3, he should have been made to sit at the table and not get up. Her children are also very picky eaters and she constantly seems to have behavior problems with them even now that they are 8 and 12.

I took that moment and decided I couldn't let my children behave like that. From about 2 and 5 my older sons have known that they have to sit at the table and they even ask to be excused before getting up. I no longer make separate meals. I might tweak what we are having if it's spicy for instance or I know they won't like a particular sauce maybe but I do not make an entirely different meal. That was tough in the beginning getting them used to me not doing it but now that they are, dinner isn't a problem. My children are now 14 months, 5, and 8 and dinner time isn't a battle anymore nor has it been since they realized this is how things are going to be. My children don't run around at meals. They don't play with toys at the table. They use their manners. Wouldn't it be nice to be able to go out to dinner and not worry how they are going to be behave? We don't eat out often but that's because of cost...not children's behavior. The boys know what is expected of them and they behave at home and at restaurants.

Oh, as far as making them eat...my children have to eat a little bit. I know people say don't force them. They won't starve themselves. I have also seem parents write on here worried because their children haven't eaten for a few days or they seem to be getting sick and they wonder if it's because they haven't been eating. No...what I do is, for breakfast and lunch, they can have whatever they want as long as it's nutritious. Of course they can't have a plate of candy. LOL But they can pick their breakfast and lunch. For dinner, I make what I make. They must eat a little of everythin even if they swear they've tried it before and don't like it. My 8 year old has gone from loving to hating to loving spaghetti so many times it's enough to make my head spin and I make it THE SAME WAY each time. It's amazing. But if that is what we are having, he eats a small bowl of it.

We also avoid the "well I won't eat now and ask for something later so I can get something different". We tell them if they ask for something later, they are getting their dinner heated up which usually makes them just eat it when we are eating as a family.

The older two need to eat what you are making. Obviously it might be different for the 15 month old...I know it is for our 14 month old. If they throw food...they go to their room for a few minutes and then when they come down THEY clean up the mess they made. If they complain, they can go to their room until they are done but that is what is for dinner, end of discussion. Trust your gut. If you are making escargot then yeah, I'd make them something else but if you are making a regular kind of dish, save yourself the headache and make one meal. If not, this behavior is going to carry over as they get older and you may find yourself having to make three or four different meals even when they are teens.

Good luck and sorry for the book. Hope it helps though.

L.

hi mom,

I have 3 boys here LOL
my dog and a husband

everyone has their differnt wants.

i usually have a good idea as to who will eat what,
i try and and make things like rice, and potates.
make extra at lunch time if i know one won't eat something.
otherwise there is always cereal.

Your 5 year old can now set the table, just put the plates and cups out,
and he can get the forks ect..

WHILE making dinner say, we are having blah blah blah
and eventually someone will chime in, I don't want that,
thats when you crack out some cheerios, and the 5 year old can get it.

I leave mine in a cabinette he can reach easily.

put the bowl on the counter and the 5 year old moves it to the table.and gets the spoon,
remember, non sugary cereal like special k, rice krispies ect...

also its ok for all foods to be dipped in ketchup no matter how wierd that sounds to you LOL

but the basic most important thing is to eat As a family.
its not important what foods your eating.

---I know lots of moms are , of the mind set , you eat what i make. I agree to some degree, but lets face it, we all have things we like and don't like. so thinking about what your making in advance is helpful, because leftovers can be easily nuked. making everyone happy.

Also Making extra rice, extra pasta, extra potatoes.
saves me lots of head aches.

and anything not used during the week , can be stir fry over the weekend.

M

Haha! I have four kids 5 and under, so I know exactly what you're talking about. Let's be realistic and admit that we don't have time to cater to everyone's preferences. So don't try. I always make sure there is something that everyone will be somewhat happy with--even if it's just bread and butter. And if that's all they eat, fine. At least they won't starve. Everyone gets a little of everything on their plate, but I've gotten beyond telling them that they have to clean up their plates--again, not realistic. So I let them eat what they want, encourage but don't force on the stuff they don't like. If they ask for more bread, I might ask them to eat a couple of bites of veggies first or something like that. But other than that, I've had to just learn to relax.

We do have a couple of rules. 1-no throwing food. If my 2 year old throws her food, I tell her she's done and calmly get her down. 2-stay in your seat. This is my biggest pet peeve--kids up and down and running around during dinner. So if they get up, I ask them if they're done eating and pretend to take their plate to the kitchen. That gets their attention pretty fast. Sometimes I might start out by saying something like, "Let's see if everyone can remember to say 'Please pass the ____' tonight." Just know that it will get better--eventually. I'm counting on that. Good luck!

Hi, In my house we have the age + 1 bite rule. For ex., your 5 yo would have to eat 6 pieces of chicken (cut about size of their thumb nail), 6 peas & 6 bites of potato. Have you tried adjusting the time you eat? I find that the later we eat, the more they eat. I cut off afterschool snacks at 4:30 & we eat around 6-7. Bedtime is 8 so we generally don't have time for dessert. If we eat at 7:30-8 my 8 yo will out eat me. Have you tried dipping sauces? My kids won't eat pork, gave them applesauce to dip it in, they have seconds. Won't go near broccoli or cauliflower, bought powdered hollandaise sauce mix, they eat 1 cup of the veg. Didn't like chicken cutlet, gave them ketchup (or however they eat nuggets) no problem. Try letting each child pick 1 thing. Child A picks veg, Child B picks rice or potato, and alternate turns. Sometimes I serve a little fruit while I put out food. The natural sugar seems to get their stomachs going. They won't starve. My 5 yo went from 7pm-3pm without food for 3 wks.(didn't like eating in school) She is fine. Food throwing is a double time out offense in my house. Good Luck!

We have 5 little boys (9,7,6,4,2)...my youngest is allergic to milk/dairy...so he is the only one who may get something different to eat (only if he can't have what we are eating...and rarely). How does dinner time start in your house? (is the tv on or off/do they help)All my kids help set and clear the table(this thrills them because at their age they want to help)...another thought is if you have the time to let them help you cook/prep...my kids love to eat the things they made...applesauce or cookies if they helped they want it. I rarely have a meal that all 5 kids all enjoy and that's okay...if you have a meal that they all like have it once a week(either mon or friday...so you can start off your school week well or finish on a high note) and remember they are small so small amounts...I put a bean/age on the plate...and I have the must try it attitude not the clean your plate one...also there isn't a dessert offered every night...eating healthy foods is it's own reward, but if a dessert is offered then they must eat a required amount...if it makes you feel any better all my kids ate well until about 2 years and the pattern seems to be around 5 or 6 they start eating everything again. Keep offering it, it will shock you when the kid that was throwing the greenbeans at you asks for a second helping of them in a year or 2. On that note, re arrange the way they are sitting(stir things up) and if a child is throwing food then they're done...I removed them from the table(it's not like they're eating it as it's flying through the air)I put them in time out until the whole family is done with dinner and then they come back to help clean up and it only has happened to 2 kids once each and never again...dinner/any meal should be fun, but not crazy(no toys at the table, if they are standing in their chairs..take them away...they can stand at the table...they'll get it)...lay down the law and follow through, it takes a while to break some habbits, but stay strong you can do it!

We're having daily dinner battles with our 3-year-old right now, so I know where your're coming from! By the time evening comes and dinner is finally on the table, I don't have a lot of patience for battling over the food. At the moment, our 5-yr-old is eating well because they have to clean their plates to get dessert. Our 15-mth-old still eats almost everything we put in front of her too, so hopefully we get our 3-yr-old past this phase before anyone else changes their mind! What I've been doing for the past couple weeks is make her at least eat three bites of whatever we're having for dinner in order to have something else, but no dessert unless she eats the original dinner (at dinnertime- she can't come back for it an hour later and get her dessert.) I'm hoping that seeing big brother get dessert every night will encourage her to shape up! She sat at the table for 45 minutes before she even took one bite one evening last week... let me know if you find some other method that works wonderfully!
Best of luck!
-C.

hi D.!

i feel your pain. i only have a 3 yr old and a 20 mo old but i can imagine. my kids are very wild and cranky at the end of the day so dinner was a challenge for us.

i hate to say it but i use the TV as a distraction. we dont' have cable and i'm very careful about how much TV they watch so i keep it in my back pocket for this kind of reason. i wait for supper till about 6 pm if possible and try to get the kids outside to play right up till 5 or 530, then i put on a movie! there are so many great movies that are appropriate like Toy Story, Cars, Nemo, Lady and the Tramp, there are tons of Sesame Street and Elmo videos too that work. they will sit down on the floor or the couch and relax watching this while i get a quick meal prepared.

on the weekends when my husband is not at work and we all try to eat together, i will try to offer the kids grown up food. but during the week i always feed them alone, so i stick to what i know they will eat. home made mac n cheese w whole wheat noodles and throw in some peas, scrambled eggs and an apple, half an avocado and a baked potato w cheese and shaved broccoli tops... turkey hot dogs...things like that. pancakes, even a bowl of cheerios and a granola bar in a pinch, w a banana.

it' s like, WHY KILL YOURSELF?

also i put my 3 yr old at his own little table w his own special chair and my 20 month old in her booster seat at the table both facing the TV. and plan for the meal to last 10 minutes. the second they start throwing or playing w food, meal's over. if they want to watch the rest of the movie they have to pause it to get thier hands and face cleaned and throw thier own dishes in the sink.

good luck and keep it simple,
J.

Hi D.,
I have a 11 and 13 year old. When they were young I would give them something else if they didn't like what I was making. I got to the point where I decided they would eat what I made or they would not eat. I figured they would eat a good breakfast in the morning if they didn't eat dinner. Our policy has always been NO snack at night if you don't eat. I wouldn't force the children to eat, but do not give in the snacks. I would make them sit at the table until everyone is finished eating. As far as throwing food. I would not tolerate that at all. I would move the food away from them and make them sit there while everyone else ate. Then put them to bed with no dinner.
Good Luck.
J.

when my three children were the ages of yours and did not want to eat what I had prepared they were given the choice of 1. make yourself a pb&j sandwich
2, don't eat but sit quietly at the table while the family eats
3. take a deep breath, and take 1 bite for every year you are old of the dinner I prepared.

fighting and arguing was not allowed at the dinner table. We had a routine of going around the table and asking each person to tell something about their day.

It seems to have worked as my children are grown now and they use a similar routine with their children.
M.