My Suuuuper Shy 3 Yr Old

Well just keep trying-don't tell him he's shy or let anyone else tell him that he is shy. He is cautious and introspective. Maybe have him participate in individual activities where he first gets comfortable with being himself and then try the "team" thing. Karate, swimming, tennis, etc.

I think you will need to distinguish between what he wants and needs and what you would like for him to have.

Two quick personal stories: As a toddler I used to stand in my cubby watching the other children play. Both my mother and teacher were very concerned and when they asked me why, I told them I was waiting for another child to finish with the toy I wanted so I could play with it. Today anyone who knows me would laugh at the idea that I was so shy.

My youngest, now an outgoing 11-year-old, used to stand in the corner and growl at any child who approached her in daycare and used to hide under my coat and refuse to talk to other people. The teachers let it slide with no critisim, and she came out of her shell when she was ready.

In this society we tend to privledge the outgoing, the fearless. But being shy, being careful and cautious has its merits too. I feel certain that if your son knows you think he's fine just the way he is, he'll come out of his shell when he is ready.

My son was EXACTLY like that--from the playing alone in nursery school to the wobbly bridge.

Leave him be. It's OK. He is not bothered by this. You are.

He sounds a lot like my son, an observer, thoughtful and intelligent. The world could use more like them don't you think?

When he's ready, he'll be ready--and not before.

BTW, my son is now 8 and super-popular, the kind of kid ALL of the kids like, they fight to sit by him at lunch & he holds "court"! LOL

I don't understand why as a culture we treat "shyness" as some sort of disease in children. Just like adults, there are outgoing ones, happy ones, sad ones, friendly ones, mean ones, etc. Everyone has their own personality which makes them unique and how each person (or child) deals with a situation is how they feel comfortable.

Imagine yourself walking into a room full of complete strangers...would you start running around and talking to each person??? Maybe, if you are the life of a party, but most of us are just wallflowers.

I am not attacking you in any means, I just wanted to make a statement about shyness. I have one son who will go to anyone and the other won't leave my side, both raised the same. You are just born the way you are!

Embrace all the shy kids and outgoing ones!! They make the world unique!

First off, my sisters used to be so shy that they would cry when our grandma (who they saw multiple times a year) came over (at three yrs old!), by the time we were school aged they each had several friends, and by college they were living in the dorms and hardly ever visited home that was only 30 miles away!
Let him be who he is. My son is the SAME way - at six years old he STILL will not go on the climber at McDonalds if there are other kids on it. Once the other kids leave, and he's ON it, if someone else gets on he instantly befriends them. Very strange, I can't explain it, it's just who he is. Just this year he has started answering questions that the grocery checkers ask him. As he has grown I have explained to him that it's ok to be afraid to talk to people, but he may not be rude - if a family member (an aunt or cousin he doesn't see often) gives him a present he MUST say thank you (I have gone as far as taking him to another room and telling him he may not play with the gift until he says thank you), but he doesn't have to hold a whole conversation. Sometimes getting that thank you out leads to him talking and talking!
He also didn't ever want to approach the playground without me RIGHT THERE. I couldn't sit on a bench next to the structure, I had to be within arms reach for what felt like FOREVER. Again, now at six years old he asks me to please come with him, and as soon as he is ON the playground he has forgotten all about me :)
Gentle pushing, having clear rules about manners, and reassuring him that you are right there for him should help him slowly come out of his shell. Just last week we went to church for the first time and I had to leave my son screaming for me at his sunday school class, knowing that he would be fine and have fun. When I picked him up he came bouncing to me and announced "Actually, it turned out to be really fun! The other kids are really nice!"
I also make sure to tell him that sometimes I feel scared going new places too, and it's ok to feel that way, but I do the new things anyway because that how you make friends and experience fun things!
BTW, I'd be SO MAD if a teacher labeled anything about either of my children "Pathetic." There is nothing pathetic about being shy, he is still very young, and the world takes all sorts to turn - we can't all be talkative and boisterous, no one would ever hear what anyone else had to say!

My son went through this stage.
The first few birthday parties he was invited to (he was about 3) he sat on my lap the whole time.
His teachers from preschool on up have always told me he's a 'wait and see' kid. It's a leaning style. He likes to watch and see and figure out how everything works first before he'll throw himself into anything. Every teacher conference at the end of the first quarter his teachers tell me how quiet he is, then the rest of the year they have a hard time getting him to shut up.
It's perfectly normal and they do outgrow the painfully shy part - when they are ready. Don't push him. Have adventures (you and him) and enjoy being his best buddy right now. It won't last. You are building his trust in you and his self confidence. 3's through 5's he's learning more about cooperative play and playing with others. It doesn't happen over night and most are not very good at it at first.
Relax. He'll grow up before you know it.

I had the same concerns with my daughter, because she was so shy and timid compared to other kids that I was a little worried about her. I was the same way when I was her age, and I didn't want it to hinder her experience of the world. I especially started to worry when I saw her friend (the same age) who was fearless and would go up to anyone and talk to them without any fear (which isn't necessarily a good thing, because she had no fear of strangers). I came to terms with the fact that she was just a quiet kid who liked to sit back and observe, and sometimes she was happier when she was away from the craziness of a large group of kids. She has friends, she has fun on the playground, she just needs some time to decide when she's ready to try something new (for example, she's 8 and still too scared to climb the monkey bars). I try to encourage her to try new things, and sometimes she does, but if she doesn't I've learned not to push her. She will do it when she's ready.

Anyway, with your son, it could be a stage he's going through, or it could be his personality. Just give him some time, and hopefully he'll start to open up more when he's more comfortable with a new situation (and try not to push him too much, otherwise it'll probably make him withdraw even more. I always hated it when my parents tried to force me to talk to a stranger when I didn't want to; I always felt even more embarrassed than I already was). As long as he does have friends that he has fun with, that's a good sign. As for the soccer, I would probably wait until he's a little older (unless it's something he sounds interested in, then you could always try it and see how he does). There is a great article about children and shyness by Dr. Sears that I found online when I was worried about my daughter, you might find it interesting: www.askdrsears.com/html/10/T110223.asp

My son will be four next week and is also very shy (at first.) He is very cautious about new surroundings and people, prefering to take his time to know his environment and the people in it. When I drop him off at preschool I have to drop him off at the classroom door, because if I go in to help him with his things, he clings to me and cries and does not want to stay. If I give him a kiss, tell him I love him and will be back for him after snack time he goes in by himself, no problems. Be open to his way of adjusting, let him explore on his own terms. I have found that doing so saves me (and him) a TON of frustration. Encourage him to try new things, maybe try them with him at first so he sees they are not going to hurt him or be dangerous. Keep in mind, however, that pushing too hard may result in him pushing back. And please don't compare him to others by saying "Look, so-and-so is doing it." He may outgrow his shyness, he may not. Not everyone is an extrovert, and not every one should be. Either way, just be assured that he can grow into a healthy, happy, loving adult as long as he knows you accept and love him for who he is. Hope this helps.

He is who he is and he will not be his brother or either of his parents, no matter how much you want him to be. Let him be himself. Support him in who he is.

He's cautious, quite, introverted, a thinker. Talk to your pediatrician and see if there are any suggestions to increase his confidence, etc.

He's only 3. He doesn't need to be doing tons of activities and structured play. Expose him to opportunities, etc., but try not to make him feel like there's something wrong with him because he's not extroverted.

Not every kid is a social butterfly - it sounds like this is just his basic personality and temperment. He may open up more as he gets older but may always be a bit of an introvert. I was too - I liked being a part of things with other kids but I also liked playing by myself, especially when what I wanted to do was not something anyone else was interested in (i.e. pretending to be an animal when all the other girls were playing Barbies). The thing is, I was still happy - I was not lonely or depressed in any way. I had a few close friends in high school and I would rather have 2 or 3 really good close true friends than a bunch of superficial ones. Once I got into college and veterinary school, I made a lot more friends because I met more people who were on my level that I could relate to.

I would stop looking at his being shy and cautious as a negative thing - it is what it is and the more he feels accepted for who he is, the better of he will be in the long run. Don't talk in front of him about how "shy" he is, because that will only reinforce to him that "I am shy" and may make him even more apt to stay that way. Keep enrolling him in different activities and encouraging him without pushing too hard. He might be better off being on the cautious side since hopefully he will be less likely to get hurt or get in trouble (my stepsons were so outgoing and trusting that it was scary - at 3 years old they would have just taken anyone's hand and walked off with them and so had to be watched constantly). Once he is old enough, I would try to get him into karate or tae kwon do or some other form of martial arts - that can really help him build confidence and learn to stand up for himself. Eventually he will find his place in the world.

If any teacher used the term "pathetic" while describing my kid, I would be ticked too - but are you sure she did not use the term "pathologic"? Because being "pathologically" shy could be used when describing someone who is so shy that they are having a hard time functioning in the real world. If that is the case when he gets older, you may need to look into getting some professional help.

He's seems to me to be an introvert and a thinker! I know from being one myself that going head first into something is a very scary situation for people like us, and being around people actually drains us of energy. Try starting him off slow, maybe take him to a story time at the local library where he's not meant to play, but just listen and quietly socialize without actually having to interact with someone. They usually do some sort of project which might be good for him too seeing as introverts like to work hands on...ALONE! Don't worry...Introverts are as essential in life as the extroverts, and often some of the most outstanding members of our society(Steven Spielberg, Meryl Streep, Meg Ryan, Tom Hanks, just to name a few)
Here are some sites that might help:
http://www.theintrovertzcoach.com/articles_for_and_about_...
http://www.google.com/search?sourceid=ie7&q=activitie...
Hope this was helpful, and the best of luck to your family!

Dear Erin,

You are describing my own son at age 3 exactly. At that age, N. was verbal, confident, and funny with family members, but if you put him into any situation with other children, or what I'd describe as even mild chaos, he'd just withdraw to the point of being a silent little lump. We had all kinds of possible diagnoses (autism, developmental delays, you name it) suggested to us.

Today, at 4 and a half, N. is an amazingly happy, confident little boy. He has two best friends, from whom he is inseparable, but he'll play with just about any child at his preschool. He's also extraordinarily confident on things like playground equipment, though FWIW, he seems distinctly less athletic than other kids his age.

What produced this magical, unbelievable transformation? Three things: Playdates, Montessori, and time.

It seems to me that your son already has the one key ingredient to coming out of his shell, and that's friends he will play with. What I really, really recommend is inviting these kids over for playdates *as much as possible.* Sign him up for activities *with* these friends. With N., once it was clear that he was forming a real friendship, I basically had to struggle against my own shyness, explain the situation to this boy's M., and ask for her help. She turned out to be fine with it, and she and I are now good friends too.

I also wonder if your son is at the right preschool. When N was 2, I signed him for a few mornings a week at a very simple, local co-op preschool. Mistake. The place seemed sweet and lovely to me, but it was much too chaotic and unstructured for him. What *has* worked is a Montessori school, where things are very calm and peaceful, and there's plenty of structure. Not only is N. thriving socially there, but he's also doing really well academically: he's already reading and doing addition and subtraction!

Finally, if someone could have told me that N. would have simply outgrown the worst of his shyness -- wow! All these gray hairs on my head wouldn't be there, I'm sure. Three is really young -- kids have their core personalities, but they don't have their coping skills yet. If you support your son, and don't make him feel bad for being shy, I'm really confident that he'll find a way to integrate himself into the world. If my son did, any child can.

Some children do not go through their infant phases quite enough to develop certain areas neurodevelopmentally. It sounds as if he still retains the moro reflex somewhat - it is the one where the baby startles easily as an infant. It can become partially integrated in infancy, but if not fully integrated (like your son's buddy) you see some of the following symptoms:
 Car sickness or poor balance and coordination
 Poor stamina
 Doesn’t maintain eye contact
 Sensitive to light
 Sensitive to sound
 Allergies
 Adverse reaction to drugs
 Hypoglycemia
 Dislike of change
 Anxiety or nervousness
 Mood swings
 Poor math sense
If your son has several of the above symptoms, you simply have to have him do the easy exercises to integrate the moro. My child had a similar case - at her friend's birthday parties, I had to hold her on my hip while she watched the others having fun. She integrated it at age 12!

Google for this; there are DVDs available with the exercises.
Good luck! He will be fine!

Some kids are just cautious and need to take their time to get used to new things. I was like this as a child. My M. said I spent the first month of Kindergarten sitting in the doll corner watching the other kids. I always had a least a few friends and eventually outgrew it. By age 11 I convinced my parents to send me to sleep away camp and had a great time (even though my best friend backed out at the last minute). I'd say encourage him to try new things and expand his comfort zone and he will outgrow it in time.