How Can I Help My Shy Little Girl?

Get this Book:
How to talk so kids will listen & Listen so kids will talk by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish.

It wil help you begin the conversation with her, something like this... (you at her level) You want to play with them, huh?

This can help you get her to talk about how she feels and how this is different from at home with her friends and cousins. You let her express how she feels without telling her how she should feel. You can also let her know that you felt that way too when you were young and that is okay and that she will work it out.

You can't "make" a child not shy. It is intrinsic in them. They usually outgrow it.

My daughter was like that. She is also very bright, social, and a mature girl... at home. In class at preschool, she didn't "reveal" these things, because she was shy. Its okay. Her Teachers fully knew her capability.
She is now in 2nd Grade... but since Preschool and until now, each Teacher has said how wonderful she is BUT she is "shy." I answer by saying "I don't see that as a problem...." and she is a great kid and student... and LOTS of great leaders & scientists & Geniuses in our world were shy as kids. Nuf' said.

Next, just teach her to be proud of herself, to be herself always, and to know that everyone is different. Do not lead her to believe that something is "wrong" with her... that will only make a child turn inward. More.
We simply taught my girl that its okay... because she really KNEW herself from such a young age...and we taught her that she is fine... that when she does feel comfortable... she CAN play with others or not. No biggie.
The Teachers did not "force" her socially. But they would comment on it.

My girl is now 7, and she has outgrown a lot of it. But she is still a tad shy. BUT, the silver lining it this: She is a confident little girl who knows herself WELL... and can assess other kids well and know who is nice or not... AND she is not a "follower" and can wisely choose friends, consciously. I am proud of her. You see... all that "shyness"...actually was beneficial because she was a keen observer... and she formed her OWN ideas and knew values that way... and how to be herself... her own person. Which is what we value in our kids.

So, use this as an "opportunity" to teach her about people, how to "discern" people, how to be herself and not feel bad about it, how NOT to "compare" herself to others, give her confidence about her shyness & that it is not a "negative" thing... and don't label her.
That is what we did with our girl.
She is actually very well adjusted... and one girl even told her "you're real popular...." and they want to play with her. But the thing is, my girl is not influenced by those things... she values people and even befriended an Autistic boy that was mainstreamed in her class. She has great "empathy." She is just herself... not a copy cat of the other kids. She "chooses" her friends wisely... which is what as a parent, I am most proud of her for.
ALSO teach her, or instill within her... that if other kids do not play with her... do not take it personally... just go and play by yourself or choose another play mate. No biggie. My daughter, NEVER took it "personally" if other kids did not play with her.... because she knew herself. She simply did something else or made other friends.

My daughter, takes Karate. She LOVES it. BUT, we did not make her or force her to take lessons. She asked us to, all on her own. It is her thing. And, we would have never suspected that she'd want to take Karate... but it provides a value to her... and she finds it fun.
All the best,
Susan

i have a very social son...i think its b/c i'm always building his confidence..seomtimes i worry he's too confident..i bought him pj's that say "cutest kid in the world" on them..i am always telling him how cute he is..in a cute way..and i praise..i know some moms are not into praise but i can't help it..
try working on building her confidence and telling her "to have friends you have to be a friend" i always tell my son that when i drop him off..so that he's friendly with the other kids..he loves people..i take him lots of places ..maybe i socialized him well that way?
i also always act super excited to see him when he comes home from his father's..its like a celebration when he walks thru the door..maybe b/c i'm a lead singer ..i've had a couple deals..toured played lots of shows..so i treat him like a little rock star and it makes him very confident..so maybe think rock star and amp up how you treat her and see if that helps

good luck

xo

My daughter is the same after a year of preschool also. Its funny though, because when in her element she can be very outgoing. For example, we just met after 5pm at a park for a preschool picnic. She ran right off with her friends and started playing with them without a problem. She loves the park! She also has had one on one play dates with one of the girls in her class and is fine when with her alone. But for some reason when she gets to school in the morning, she is very reserved and quiet even with the friend that she has play dates with. I've had girls/boys come up to her numerous times in the morning to say hi or give a hug and she barely acknowledges them although likes them a lot! I'm sure in her own time she comes out of her shell and as time goes on will get better.
I was extremely shy as a child also, and I know that I may have missed out on opportunities or fun things, but overall I think I had a good life.

Hi N.,

My daughter did not really play with any of the kids in preschool or kindergarten. She finally made some friends in first grade and has kept them through second grade (this year). I remember driving past the school one day and seeing my daughter (also N.!) playing all by herself. It made me so sad to see that!

At any rate, she just sort of outgrew the shyness. You might want to arrange for some play dates at your house, on her turf, to encourage the friendships you'd like her to have. Also, be sure not to tell people, "Oh, my daughter is just shy, like I was." I found that when I said that, it sort of gave her the excuse not to at least say hello to people she knew. It might also help if she were to try to play with some other kids she sees that are by themselves, with your approval, of course. Sometimes the kids that are in a group can have a bit of a clique mentality without meaning to, which makes it all the harder for kids that are shy to get into the group. Finally, you might try asking her preschool teacher what she thinks. She might be more social at different times during the day, and the teacher will probably have some good suggestions since I am sure they've seen it all.

I wish you the best of luck with this. I was a little shy when I was young as well, as was my daughter. My guess is that she will pass through this phase and make a lot of new friends, but it might take a year or two.

Take care,
L.

She is still so young. Don't even worry about it. I would take shy over loud and obnoxious any day :-)
My oldest boy was the same way. I remember in his second year of preschool he sat with the mom's and me at one of his classmates birthday parties. I felt horrible and I thought he would turn out to have no friends. Once he hit kindergarten and he was with the kids for the whole day, every day, he completely changed! He still had his shy side, but he was so much better!! Now in third grade he is a very outgoing kid. I would talk to her teacher and share your concerns. Maybe she could give her a push in the right direction when she needs it. If you make her teachers aware of it that will help A LOT! I would tell her next years teacher before school even starts. And remember...In a time when there are so many discipline problems out there, be thankful that she is shy! It is not such a bad thing :-)

My daughter was very shy as well, but ask her teachers how she's doing at school with friends. My daughter took a long time to "warm up" at school, meaning every day she started slowly. She just needed some extra time to adjust to being at school, and when the day got underway, she was fine and playing and participating. You can try dropping her off earlier or later (if your schedule permits) to see if that helps. Maybe if she is one of the first kids there, she can adjust to the building business of the school easier, rather than being plunked into a comparatively chaotic environment. Or, maybe if she gets dropped of right as circle time is starting, she will immediately have an activity to engage in with the other kids and teacher. She is probably way different when you are not around and that is OK. This is a skill she will need to develop on her own (and she WILL!!) You are doing a good job.

I'm a Mom of 4 and my oldest daughter is still very shy until she gets to know people really, really well. She is 10 now and is still shy and ultra selective about her friends.

It does help to put them in a sport because they are with their peers and at the same time they have a purpose for their play. It eases them into interacting with other kids and build their confidence. Consider letting her pick a sport of her choice and bounce around until she finds one that she really likes and excels at.

It also helps to schedule play dates to help form deeper more comfortable relationships with other children. My daughter also seemed to be drawn to the calm sweet boys instead of the girls and all their little girl drama. Ask your daughter who she'd like to play with, girl or boy , and plan to meet up at the park or your home for a play date once a week to help nurture a relationship with another child. Small children need coaching too. So right before you go in to the classroom, talk to her about what she can say to the little girls to break the ice or give her a strategy on how she can approach them. Roll play and the have her practice.

I work from home so I just started homeschooling my daughter. She has a small handful of friends but still doesn't have the urge to be surrounded by a bunch of other children. I think it's just in some people nature. It's the whole introvert/ extrovert part of our personalities. You can't change this but you can give your child tools to better cope.

S. Walker
www.mymomsoffice.com

My daughters have been the same way. I have a daughter who started preschool this past fall. Very quiet, played on her own mostly. As the year has gone on, she is becoming more comfortable and has a couple of friends she plays with now. I can see a change and she is becoming more social at school, but this has taken almost the whole school year. My older daughter was like this in her first year of preschool as well. Her 2nd year she was much more social and now she is in kindergarten and very social. Although she still can be a bit shy in new situations.

Anyway, so just because your daughter is on the quiet/shy side now does not mean she will always be to the degree you are seeing now. She may still just be developing socially. She may always be shy to some degree. As I am and my girls are, but she will most likely come out of her shell a lot more then you are seeing now. Give her time. :)

I was the same way and eventually got over it. However, my son was a little quiet when he first started preschool and I spoke to the teachers and they sort of helped him during the day to join in different activities with different kids. The teachers are your best asset at this point. Once my son got comfortable with all the kids in the class, he was fine and became less and less shy. Even when he was being shy he enjoyed school. My son takes karate and it definitely has increased his confidence. It can't hurt for your daughter to take it.

My son is the absolute opposite and has no problem making new friends or joining in, so my advice is why don't you walk her over to the little girls next time you drop her off and introduce your daughter to the girls and make conversation in some way. Like if they are playing a game, go over and say "hi girls, this is___, I see you guys are playing cards, __(your daughter) loves to play cards, would you mind if she joined you? I used to teach preschool and worked in daycare and this is the way I would introduce new students so that they wouldn't have to do it themselves and the other kids would know to be polite since I was the one introducing the child. It takes the pressure off your daughter and the kids she wants to play with, because an adult is initiating it. Worth a try, it has worked with a variety of ages and situations.

I would suggest role playing with her stuffed animals or barbie dolls how to join in. HI barbie, how are you today? fine thanks and you? hey can i play dress ups with you? Sure i would love that. that sort of thing, you can be both roles or she can be one and you can be one, Give her the words to know what to say to people.

I would try a one on one playdate with one of the kids in her class. infact ask the teacher what they think and see if she would recommend one kid over another for some reason. have the playdate on your daughters turf and keep it short and hour or hours and a half. and have a few acitivies available playdough is a good ice breaker, coloring, or dressups.

some one once suggested to me to tell my shy 4yol that conversation with people is like playing catch, and actually get a ball out and you say something then toss it to her and she responds and tosses it back, back and forth back adn forth ,have dad help you model it for her.

good luck

Arrange little play dates at home.
Watch what goes on .
B. v.O.

Both my girls were like that too. They are now 11 and 15 and pretty outgoing. Even now, I constantly encourage them to not wait until asked to play, just join in. I did that all the time when they were little, and I think what really helped was that I planned play dates all the time for them and that helped them get more confident and get to know the kids better so they would be more outgoing with them at preschool and school.

I was shy as a child and my son is chronic shy too. He would do as your daughter did and it bothered me that he doesn't speak up, but I realize that some shyness is good too. They get in less trouble and in fact, she might actually like her space at times. It will get better though over time. There will always be that outgoing kid who loves to socialize and will draw her out of her shell. My son still does not like to speak up when teacher asks anything. Don't force her to if she doesn't want to, just encourage her and team her up with kids who are older to help her interract more.

maybe try a dance class or even natural pageants. my daughter isnt exactly shy but we do pageants (natural) and shes in dance to help her learn to listen and take direction. im not sure where your from but you can look into california tropic pageants its a great starter system and my daughter competes in them.

Have you tried inviting these girls to your home so they can play together and get more frrendly good luck when i gaised my children they didnt have preschool s raised 4 and now have 7 grandchildre ganging in age from 3 years to thirtn years old my husband just selebrated his 90th birthday and he is still working we travelthe world on business A. no hills

My son was like that in nursery & preK. It's OK that she is a quiet, shy observer. That's how I would describe my son then. Now, at 7, he is much more outgoing and funny. He has LOTS of friends and is basically a nice, kind, compassionate kid. My hubby was always quick to remind me that the world needs ALL personalities. I had to accept that my little Pisces was different from my own Scorpio personality! And that's OK. She will find her way. O. thing I did was try to arrange 1-on-1 play dates where my son tended to be less shy. That helped him feel more comfortable, I think.