My Marriage Is Going down the Drain

Marriage is hard work sometimes. You will go through rough patches but you must believe the investment is worth the payoff. You both are responsible for keeping the spark. I LOVE this website and the daily email tips this lady gives: www.thegenerouswife.com
She gives little tips each day about being generous and staying in love.
Good luck.

Know how you feel. But seeking attention else where is not the answer. My husband and I have started counseling and it has really helped. I was in the same position. He needs to know why you did this, and you need to find out what you want... Then, you need to communicate that to him so he knows what he needs to do to help the situation.

Good luck

Trying not to judge but knowing that you invited us into your problems. I have been married for over 30 years. Have 3 grown kids and one granddaughter that we have been caring for while her mom served in Iraq. I CAN tell you that marriage can be boring, kids can be problems (just wait till you hit the teens) but you have a nice guy. Why would you want more? Nice is huge. I know, I have a nice one. He is not fancy, can't sing or dance, does not bring flowers (ok a few many years apart), does not say sweet sexy things. He is just nice. He cares about his family. He is loyal. He is good to others, he would never hurt someone else. I often just look his way and think to myself-you are just a nice guy and I am glad I got you! Sure I would like more romantic-but I bet there are days he would too. I would like him to dance but then maybe he would (ok I know he would, but he does not complain) for me to be thinner and athletic. He wished I played tennis but he likes my personality and accepts that I am not all that he would like. But I am enough-he is enough. Get out of that selfish place that you are in. It is destructive. Tell him you were selfish and that he is ENOUGH and that you hope to someday be as good as him. To many of you girls are willing to throw it all away. Life is not a throw away deal. It is not always exciting. Ok you can find someone on the internet that seems exciting-so what. I bet his friends or wife?? or girlfried think he is boring because he spends time on the internet not in real life living. If he was such a catch then why is he talking on the web? and not living his life to the fullest. Is he or any other guy really going to LOVE your kids? What the heck are you thinking? Is this relationship based on trust-will he and should he trust you when you leave your husband? I can't imagine any decent guy who would trust a woman who leaves her nice guy husband for a relationship based on web conversations. Basically I just want to say. STOP acting like a 13 yr old and grow up and take care of your family. Please do not have any more kids. YOU have enough to care for. If you need something outside the family-think of a way to give back to someone who does not have what you have. By the way-You are a cheater. You cheated your family. You took some of the happiness in your family and gave it to a stanger. You gave him a bit of your heart. The whole heart belongs to your family. You chose your husband and to bring kids into this world. YOUR CHOICES.

This is the exact same advice I would give my 22 year old daughter. Get it together! YOU owe yourself better! Remember sometimes life is boring and THAT IS OK! Just pick up the pieces and suffer from what you created until your husband can regain the trust that you stole from the family.
You are living what you created but it will get better-it really will. Stick out the bad days-the good days come.

My advice to you is to begin a relationship with God and HE only will direct your ways and walk. Yes, you can not put your value of yourself in your husband. A person needs to learn to value and love themselves first before they can share that love. A person can not rely on others for happiness. If you have a bible it's a beginning: John 3:16. I pray that you will no longer seek in the wrong places for your emptiness and you will call upon the Lord to fill that lonliness. In Jesus name, Amen.

First, repent of the sin of giving your heart to a man on the internet that you've never even met. The word adultery means to "defile" or make impure. By emotionally attaching to this person (who may not even be a man), you have broken your marriage covenant. Tell God you are sorry and ask for his forgiveness. He will freely give you his grace.

Second, you need to contact your husband and apologize to him and ask him for his forgiveness. He is obviously very hurt. He may forgive you quickly, but he will take time to work through his pain.

Third, stop focusing on yourself and your own needs. If you spent your time thinking about how to bless your husband, you will find the spark again in your marriage. If you are so bored, volunteer at your children's school, join a book club, volunteer at your church, join a Bible study or take a class, etc. Stay-at-home-mom's can be a huge blessing to their community through service.

Fourth, think about what you are doing to your kids!

You are in my prayers, J.

Try talking to your HUSBAND instead of a stranger. Try marriage counseling to open up the lines of communication between you - it doesn't matter if you are bored - marriage is a job for both of you and feedback and discussion are mandatory.

It is obviously that he is a great man, there is seasons in marriage and everybody goes thru this kind of situations were you can't stand your partner, but you have to be patient, this will go away, go back to your husband before it is too late, believe me if you don't you are going to regret it for the rest of your life, don't be selfish and think about everybody in the family.

I'm going to have to agree with the other ladies, S., you have cheated. It's called an emotional affair and believe me, they are devastating to a marriage. You must end it now. You are on a slippery path that will lead to complete destruction if you don't turn this around now.

That being said, I will continue to agree with the other ladies that marriage has its ups and downs. Some days it feels all hot and wonderful and others, it feels like a blizzard is blowing in your home. You have a special job as a wife and a mother (one that you've chosen) and that means great personal sacrifice will be your daily lot. But the rewards will be great, you will teach your children about faithfulness, committment and a love that endures all seasons. You are blessed to have a husband that loves you and works so hard to try and make you happy. My friends whose husbands abandoned them to run off for other women would give anything to have what you have. You need to decide real quick if you want to keep him because believe me, there are plenty of women out there that would show your husband how much they appreciate him.

If you want romance in your life, then you make the first move. I guarantee if you bring a little spice into your man's life, he will respond and bring a little into your's. Men are not hardwired to be romantic, God gave them the instinct to provide, that's what they are driven to do. It is us women who bring out the love and softer side of our husbands.

I know that being home with your kids can be the lonliest job in the world. I truly sypathize with your feelings. I'm at home with 2 year old twin boys all day and a nine year old daughter after school. Some days I feel high and some days I feel low. But I know that this is my job, the things I do with these kids every day will have an impact for generations to come because I am teaching my children how to treat others including their future spouses and children. Give yourself much more credit than just being a diaper changer and bottle maker and toilet scrubber. You have a noble profession being an honerable wife and mother.

Please work this out with your husband. Confess to him how wrong you were with the internet thing. I don't care how little love you have felt from him, it is never ok to look outside of the marriage. Remember, the grass is greener on the side that is watered. The side you've been looking at is full of weeds that will choke the life out of you and your family.

I will first tell that you that I'm going to be harsh....WAKE UP!!!! You're being very selfish and only thinking about yourself. Do you know how many would give anything to be in your situation be being able to stay home? Most women aren't able to because their husbands won't let them or can't afford it. And, yes, you were cheating on your husband. Anytime you become intimate with a man, even emotionally, you're cheating!! Please apologize to your husband and ask him to stay. Do not allow a separation. You are right, that could be the beginning of the end. Beg him to give you another chance. Have you thought about your children?? They need a father!! And, how incredible of a real man your husband must be by treating your child the same as his. If you are bored, that's your fault!! Get involved with your church, reorganize your house, sell stuff on ebay....there are plenty of things a stay at home mom can do to stay busy and involved with life!! You probably should be going to a ladies bible study. Find one that meets during the day. I told you I was going to be harsh but you need to rethink the real priorities of life....raising your innocent children and creating a unified home for them to live in.

What you were feeling is perfectly normal. I don't know how old you are, but it hit me around 30 and it my daughter around 30. As I was about to tell her this so she would be prepared, she confessed she had already felt that way. Somehow the caregiver had become our/your only identity and you are resenting it all the while you feel guilty about it. It's a deep feeling that one can't seem to shake. BUT IT DOES PASS.

So since your husband is understanding you more now, then I think you will be feeling much better. I agree with one of the other responses, a perfect time to do some volunteering, get out there with some adults and feel alive. You say you are the first one to help out someone else then that is your gift from God. I think there is too much emphasis this day in time about empowering women. The phrase is not bad, but it give us a sense of we deserve everything we desire. Well for that matter it's a running theme with all ages and sexes these day. Give unto others...

Also, remember the internet is addicting. I joined Mamasource because I wanted to reconnect with moms and because out of my 37 almost 38 years of marriage I felt like I've already been through a lot of your events and maybe I could help. But more than advising, I'm blessed with so many of the comments sent. Most are so helpful and uplifting. I'm glad you are a part of this great group of moms.

I am convinced it will all work out!

Girl I'm answering way late you already responded to what happened. I just wanted to give you support. I think you have grounds for a good marriage. I was married to a man who only cares about himself. You on the other hand are married to someone who loves you. I think it sounds like you can talk to your husband about getting out and getting a job. If that isnt what you round up doing I do think you need to do join a club, or class or something. The person on line is making you feel good about yourself so now that your husband knows that you two can work on that and when you get out and do something positive for yourself you will feel better. Sometimes us women drown when we are only busy taking care of kids and husband. Join a sewing class, a photography class or somthing that interests you or take some classes at the college so when the kids are older you may want a career. Marriage is hard work never easy so get a sitter and go on a date with your man. Its good for the kids to see that mom and dad are one and have a life without us being right there it actually makes them more secure in who they are. Good luck and please find fulfillment in a positive place, I say this with love. God bless and Merry Christmas

Let me say I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL sweetie! I've been there and I lost myself after I had my baby and honestly, now that I am working again and have some contact with the outside world rather than just my children, I see that my issues were with myself. NOT my husband. Your husband sounds like he is very much in love with you and wants you to be happy. Sometimes men just can't do what we think they should do to make us feel better about ourselves. We have to find that self confidence within ourselves.Try talking to him about how you feel. You might also try to get out more, go to play groups and things to interact with other moms, maybe work part time; whatever you need to do. College sounds like a great idea! Chatting with another man isn't healthy for your marriage at all, I'm sorry to say. I think it brings in outside influences that you don't need while you are feeling so down as it is. Does that make sense? I wish you the best of luck and wished I had more advice for you.

Ok, well I am going to sound a little tough here, but what are you thinking? You are married, for better for worse. You are an adult, if you were THAT bored you should have talked to your husband before you started chatting with some guy. You are a mom, you are supposed to be an example for your children.

You seriously need to look around and stop thinking about you. I am a stay at home mom, and my husband works 80 hours a week, I know what it is like to be lonely or crave adult conversation, but you are looking in the wrong place.

Join a play group and chat with other moms while the kids play, join a church, take a class either at church or your local college. You could take something like cooking to help you at home. Talk to your husband about maybe working part time in a preschool or MDO, you could work to get a discount for your kids.

If none of that works, turn of the computer, turn off the TV, and play with the kids that mean the world to you. Clean your house, cook good meals. With 3 kids you should not have all that much time on your hands to be bored. YOu need to decide how important your family is. Do you want to go through a custody battle? Do you want to be a single struggling mom again, this time with 3 kids? Do you want to tell your children why their Dad is not around?

A husband who will work hard to provide for his family, who will take in and love a child that is not his own is a precious and rare thing. Do you really think this man online who makes you feel sexy will do the same thing? And speaking of that, how sexy do you make yourself when you husband comes home? Are you making an effort to look nice for him?

You say you want your husband to "wake up and care for you" Are you caring for him? How would you feel if HE was cheating? Would that make you care MORE for him? Because that is what you are doing. You are cheating. You are commiting adultry. Is that really who you want to be?

I think that today's society tells us it is all about "me" all about how "we" feel not about others. If we aren't constantly having happy highs and sexual thrills or romantic fireworks then we have the right to go out and get it. Well, that is not life and there are a lot of lines that should not be crossed that do because of that thinking.

I wish you the best, I really hope it works out.

You just sound bored. That man makes you feel good because its a fantasy, not real life. You have a life with your husband. He sounds like a keeper. He can't be your happiness, you need to find that within yourself. If you truly want to work, you need to express yourself to him. But, you can't place your unhappiness all on him. I learned this the hard way.

Iam not judging you but when do you have time to talk on the computer
with 3 children? I have one and it is very rare that ia have time to do anything. It ssounds like you and your husband need time alone like it was before children. Do you have family that will take the kids for the weekend? Also you can't look to some stranger to make you feel good about yourself. Maybe you should just tell your husband exactly how you feel. You may have to tell him what you need from him. Sometimes men don't get it. I know you want to find the old you but she is not there anymore. You have a loving husband and three great kids. I bet if you and hubby find some time alone things would be better. Hope you can work on getting back together because sitting alone or writing to someone miles away dosent sound very good long term. Good luck and have a great holiday.

J.

S.,

You need to stop conversating with your online guy immediately. I know you are bored at home and want to get out of the house, but think about your husband. How would you feel if you were out working your butt off to provide for your family and your husband was out flirting with other woman? My guess is you'd be furious. How is it fair for him to do something he probably doesn't enjoy much, working all of the time, but it's something he must do. Excuse me for saying so, but you're being extremely selfish. If you feel you need to get a part time job to be social than discuss this with him and maybe get a part time night job after the kids are in bed or on the weekends. What do you do for your husband to make him feel the way you want him to make you feel? You may have to start the process to get him to start treating you the way you desire. You should feel lucky that you have a man that will try to do whatever you wish to make you happy. You are going to lose him for good if you don't take a step back and have a reality check. Right now is not the time for you to worry about "finding yourself". You made the committment to your husband and your children to be a full time mother and wife. How would you feel if your husband decided to come home from work one day to tell you he quit b/c he needs to "rediscover himself" because he's bored with life? I challenge you to think long and hard about everything you wrote and ask yourself if the tables were turned how would you feel. Good luck and I'm sorry if this was harsh, but it sounds like you need a reality check. Go buy "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" It's a great book that will guide you on how to be a wonderful woman and how to treat your husband correctly. Good luck.

Sweetie-I read your request and then your update. I'm glad that yall are talking again. I'm not judging at all...I've been in your shoes. My husband who I've been married to for almost 7 years gets that way. BUT you have to keep talking. You have to constantly remind him of what your needs are and see what his needs are. That's the way a marriage works. You shouldn't talk online with other men. That's a way to get into a lot of trouble as you have seen. These STRANGERS online will tell you stuff and make you open up to feelings you are missing and ....you know it doesn't help the matter with your husband. I believe yall need to talk things out. Maybe see if you can leave the kids with someone for a weekend and just reconnect. Tell eachother what's your feelings are and what you need and go from there. Plus-find a church if your not already in one. A church family can be so supportive and a lot of times they will offer counceling which might really help!

God Bless and I hope things work out...

K.

First of all, get off the computer talking with this guy. That is already trouble for you and you are adding to your problems instead of doing something constructive about them. Your husband is hurt by the trust issue. Home should be a safe place to fall. It isn't up to him to make you happy, it is up to you and you are looking for it in the wrong places. You could join a play group with your children or look for adventures during the day with your children whether at home or anywhere. You need to use this time with your children for it will be a short time and they will want to be with their friends. In other words, get busy doing some different things and I promise your problems will seem less. Also, your new energy will rub off on your husband. Bad moods and unhappy faces are contagious. You might not feel important staying home but you are and more so than you think. You are in a rut and it happens but if you value your marriage and home, start digging your way out. Plan things as a family with your husband. Maybe he needs the same things as you. You can be in control of your happiness but you have to do it. Pray and ask God for guidance in doing the right thing and then listen and follow. He will lead you down the right path. Now, go to your husband and tell him you love him and bring him home. You can do this.

Again, please quit talking with this guy. There's an old saying," If you are looking for trouble, you will find it."

When I was going through chemo treatment, I remember my grown son telling me that there are people out there that would like to trade places with me. He was so right for I was not given a few months to live but given the rest of my life to live and so many don't get that gift. You have been given the gift of children and a loving husband. Count your blessings instead of wishing for more. I have never heard of anyone regretting doing the right thing.

Spending time online in an emotional relationship with another person is cheating. You should NEVER go online and try to fulfill parts of your marriage that are missing through someone else. No one is worth their weight in salt that will correspond in a sexual manner with a married woman. Your husband deserves for you to talk to him. If you have issues, you turn to your spouse not the web. Someone dear to me is going through a divorce for this very reason. You cannot put yourself in a situation to find satisfaction outside your marriage. It is never ok.
Now, I know that you might be feeling lonely so talk to your husband about working part time outside of the home or sign up to work at a local moms day out at the church or something that gets you time with other people so you don't feel so ostracized. It can be lonely being home all the time but it sounds like you have a good man that loves you so look to him and come up with a solution as a couple. Your kids need a stable family and their needs now come before yours. Good luck. I hope this is just a short time of struggle that you come through stronger.

Hi S.,

I've been married for 16 years, and can tell you from experience that marriages have ups & downs....it's a part of the journey. Years 3-5 seem to be the first down in most people's marriage and many give up or look to others at that point....so you are not alone!

As a SAHM also, my advice to you is:

1. join a mom's group to meet other moms who stay at home. It will provide friends for you and your children, and will help with the lonliness/isolation that can come from being at home with the kids all day. I joined my moms club when my oldest was 5 months old and it's been a total lifesaver for me. There are many groups out there, so research your area to see what's available. www.momsclub.org

2. Do not chat online with other men. End the "relationship" that you've developed with the guy online. As hard as that is to think about....it is not real...it's online. Apologize to your husband and let him know that it will not happen again. I've personally witnessed marriages completely ruined by online relationships. If you care about your marriage, this is a must.

3. Turn the focus of your life to your husband, children & household. As a SAHM, they are your job. If your kiddos are small & demanding now, keep in mind that it's not like that forever. They do grow up (quickly!), and you will have the opportunity to regain a life for yourself!

4. Find a hobby that can fill your down time and spark your creative juices....it will make you mentally happier! (since becoming a SAHM, I've learned to quilt, scrapbook, crochet, knit, cook well, etc.....find something that challenges you and makes you feel productive)

Being a mom & wife is very hard work, and most of that work is invisible to the rest of the world. Having been through the downs in my own marriage, I can tell you that staying together and working thru it is so very rewarding.

:-) H.

I think is you still "love" your husband than you should work this out. If you do not love him then you should just leave. If you do love him like you say you do then you should tell him how you feel, if it is you going back to work part time or your marriage, I am sure he would work something out. This is one one of my favorite quotes "The grass is always greener on the otherside of the fence, until you mow it" I think you should stop talking to this other man,All men know what to say to a women to be with her....Even if he is miles away.
You need to sit down and have a heart to heart with your husband, maybe you need to keep his family visits to a minimum. I think as a mother it is hard to let your children go. My husband's mom use to treat him the same way your husbands mother does. Your husband needs to realize that he is married to you and NOT hs Mom.
Like I said I think you need to work this out with your husband, The way you talk about him you seem to be very lucky. He sounds very caring and a wonderful Dad.
And for you maybe you should join a playgroup, a suppport group of some kind. There are several out there. MOMS club, MOPS, a church.....

First off - if he "found out", then you were hiding, and if you're hiding a relationship with someone of the opposite sex from your spouse then you're cheating. I'm not judging you - I'm just making a simple statement of fact. If you're into religion, you may remember that Jesus was quoted as saying Lust is the same as Adultery, Hate is the same as Murder - because the feeling is the seed of the fruit - and it always propagates itself.

That said, I think you're depressed - and I think you'd be much happier (and a better wife) if you did something outside your house. Your husband doesn't want you to work? Fine. Volunteer. Volunteer in the kids' school, volunteer at the local hospital, the local women's shelter, become a CASA - something that gets you out of the house and makes you answer to someone other than yourself.

Finally, I'd recommend that you and he both read "The Five Love Languages". Yours will be obvious to you - find his, and start speaking it. Apologize, profusely, in words and actions for allowing someone else to establish emotional intimacy in place of your marriage - and show him, again, with words and actions, that you want to put your marriage back where it belongs.

You're never going to feel like "your old self" because you're not your old self anymore. Your a wife and a mom, and no one is going to consistently make you feel special - you have to do that for you, and let your husband know when you need some help.

Please don't separate - that is the hardest step to a divorce, and your children deserve better at the Holidays.

Hi there....First let me say that I strongly disagree with most of the responses that you have received! I am a 30 year old stay-at-home mom of 4 kids all 5 and under, people who are not in our shoes have NO IDEA what it is like to have that kind of "job". It's not all the fun and games that people make staying home out to be! You really don't have any outlets but your husband and if he is not meeting your needs then it makes your job that much harder! Just because he goes out of the house to work and gets paid doesen't make his job any harder than yours!!!!! Because I am in a similar situation I can see how you developed an online "friendship" with someone. I know that even tough this guys is probably telling you what you want to hear, there is no substitution for your husband...who is there in flesh and other than emotionaly treats you well. I can speak from experience and tell you that everything happens for a reason! I have been with my husband for 14 years, married almost 7, and before we got married we had an incident that was no more than a hugh misunderstanding. It was one of the hardest things that we had to go through...trust, loyalty, and comittment were all put to question. Although it was hard and lots of tears were cried it was the BEST thing that could have ever happened to us. It has made us stronger. I think that sometimes it takes something like this to make people see what they really have right there in front of them. Not only for you but for him....he now knows that you were unhappy with the emotional support he was offering and this may sound bad but he also sees that someone else finds you attractive (personality) and he may loose you if something doesn't change.Anyway, I'm sure things will work out. Just keep your head up and don't loose yourself to make things work. Please keep me posted. Take care!
J.

well it just sounds to me that you, like everyone else, have changed since having your kids and you've passed the "honeymoon" phase of marriage. sounds like you just need to get to know each other again. go on dates, even schedule romance if you have to because of babysitters and whatnot. maybe even just going to a counselor so they could START conversations for the two of you and mediate, like help explain to your hubby or vice versa what you are trying to say. or if you don't want to go to a counselor, maybe try a couple's book first (dr. phil's relationship rescue is awesome). if both of you really want to make things work, then you should be willing to do whatever it takes, even if it means a lot of hard work and money spent on child care. but honestly i think you two have just drifted apart and need to reconnect. good luck

I am so sorry but you are cheating. That is what it is when you give emotions to someone besides your spouse. No man or woman should ever be alone with or give your spouse any reason to even think you are with someone else. I married a man millions of miles away. He chased me for 23 yrs and now I know he was not giving himself to his wife and cheating with me. I did not even think of it that way. Any man who would cross over to a woman who is married is not worth his spit. He is trash. My ex left me for a woman and many he was seeking online. The find out that within 4 months of their marriage he was not happy with this trash. I wonder why? They talked dirty online and turned each other on. But when it came to real life they both were trash. You have a decent man. Anyone who gives to children and supports you is someone to hang on to. It is hell out there with children. There are so many married women who want the status of a corporate man who allows them to stay home. It is a different story when you go to work and try to make things meet. Support is never enough unless you can make over $100K a year. So I would find a way to love your man. Go to counseling. Pretend he is the most wonderful man on earth cut off all ties with anyone else. When we put emotions to work actions come later. Date. People just get settled into a dull life. So we have to create and invent new things. Just to nurture and excite each other again. We never know until we have lost them what we could have done differently. After 7 yrs of being divorced and struggling I just can not ever love again. I gave me whole heart. I could never trust again. It hurts to much. There is real pain with a broken heart and it is no in ones head. It is physical and painful. I am not sure you will ever win back that trust again. It will take a ton of work. But let God be your guide. When my ex wanted a divorce I thought I needed to do more to make him happy but it was all about him. You are the problem here not him. You need to make it better for all and this is the only real way your children will respect and love you in the end. Divorce comes and goes and no one sticks it out because relationships are hard. But what you have with this man you will have with the next and it will never be fixed. So learn and change and grow and find your happiness. WE can not find happiness with another or with anyone. It is a decision to make your happiness on your own. When you give then you will get. But when you put your emotions some place else you will lose the most wonderful life you could be creating. The grass is never easier to mow some place else. God Bless and hope you can find out why you are in need and how only you can fill that need. Not some other man. G. W

what you were doing is emotional cheating. All of those feeling and thoughts belong to your husband alone. No one else has earned those from you. I have been separated for over a year now and i just filed for divorce. I wish I could be a stay at home mom again. My kids are not handling it well that I'm not home when they get here. My mom is here, but I'm not. I resent my soon to be ex for not getting work and not providing and being abusive. I am missing seeing my 17mo son's first events. I get to hear about them when i get home. And you want that? Join a mom's group and have play dates. Stop cheating on your husband and put the effort you are putting into someone you admit is 100's of miles away and put it into your home and family. Take up a hobby like painting or drawing and have your kids who are old enough do it too. Read to them. Take them to the park during the day. There are other mom's there too. Find your joy and fulfillment from your family and stop looking for something new and exciting. And people wonder why the divorce rate is so high.

Don't shoot the messenger, but, I think that what you’re missing in your marriage is God. If you guys could get united in Christ, and his word (the bible), things would be much different.

I pray that you are opening minded to this message, and will take action soon.

P.

Hi S.,
Sorry to hear about what has happened in your marriage. I can understand your feelings as well. I have been married for going on our 12th year. It's hard and the day to day life can get very stagnate and lonely.
BUT love is not a feeling, though you have a valid reason for feeling the way you do. Marriage is not to make you happy, it's about the many unselfish acts in a day for someone else. It makes you grow, stretch or makes you resentful and bitter.
You've committed emotional adultery which says that you need to be able to be able to communicate with your husband. If it's all about someone making you "feel" sexy and alive sorry but that's a dead end road. If you are interested I would seek some counseling for myself and my husband if he's willing also.
Best Regards,
C.

I think part of it is your turning outside the marrage for help (ie chatting with another guy)when you need to turn to your husband for help. I love Dr. Phil and really think if you did the exercises in his book relationship rescue then it would help immensely. The main think is to talk to your husband its a marrage and you both have to work at it its 100/100 not 50/50. Marrage is also about compromise its a give and take if he doesn't want you working but your lonely and want something to do then volenteer, help out at your kids schools, help with March of Dimes or other non profits. Go to college so you can have a career doing something you love not just bringing home a check. Hope this helps

Marriage is hard! A couple of things I read from you are you "fell in love" and the guy online makes you "feel" good. These are emotions. That's not what true love is. True love is a decision to love, to put someone before yourself. Marriage is a work in progress. Did you actually talk to your husband about wanting to go to work and feeling alone? It sounds like he would be willing to listen and make things work. Please remember those children. They didnt do anything wrong. So many times children believe they are the problem. If they had a choice, they'd probably want mommy and daddy to love(real love) each other forever. If divorce is chosen, please make sure those children know that the problem was you and your husband, not them. My husband and I have been married for 8 yrs(this Jan) and we have worked hard for our marriage and our children. We have never been more "in love" because we have made our relationship a priority and we know what true love is. I assume since you said that one of your kids is from a previous that you've been married before. Maybe you should really focus on what love is and isnt before anymore relationships are made.

I will try to write some thoughs that may help you think further about this, and hopefully clear your mind. Please know that I have the best intentions if you do not like something I write.

. Your husband sounds really wonderful, I am sure that out there would be a lot of women loving the idea of having a husband that will treat them like a Queen as you say he does.

. Marriage is a two way street, both persons have to work on maintaining the sparkle of the relationship, some times you alternate the effort other times is effortless. You give and take.... but... remember GIVE AND RECEIVE.

. Really, but I mean REALLY think that if what you have done you would like it DONE TO YOU, and what name you could put it, if it is not a way of cheating.

. Can you imagine how hurt you would feel if it was you in his place? How unfair when all you do is think, work and live for your family.

. Do you think he deserved it? As you talk about him it sounds like he did not deserved that.

. You want him to play difficult sometimes? Isn't playing for teenagers? You do not like being stable and loved?

. You have a lot of time in your hands.... why you don't look for something constructive, fun, helpful to do, there are A LOT of charities around town that need a hand. Maybe helping is not your treat but there are classes of everything out of your place you can join to keep you busy and have fun.

. I hear a lot of women that their husbands are jerks, that treats them really bad that are controling, violent, cheaters etc... you were lucky to find a good guy and you are looking for "adventure"

. The guy from the internet, what do you really know about him? You know how easy is to lie on line? He could be an extremely ugly person (inside and out) behind a models picture... or not. Have you not seen all the shows in TV? even commercials?

. You can work on feeling sexy... the way you dress, the way you treat yourself and your body, you could one day surprise your husband with crazy ideas for the bedroom..... Getting a nany one night without your husband knowing and taking him to a hotel... you will get a feeling of doing something naughty.... wearing a wig.... a sexy nurse custome..... other day planning a sexy night with sweet cream.... The idea is that YOU can actively do things to have that spice you crave for.

Last... I had a divorce many years ago.... being single is not as fun as you think it is, especially when you have kids. Finding a good guy is very I mean VERY difficult and I have a lot of single friends that will back me on this one.

After years and years of being alone and working on myself I found a wonderful husband that makes me very happy and that love as a have never loved anyone. He is a good guy and we are PARTNERS in this marriage, not all the time is honey. Sometimes I put more than I take and other times he puts a lot more than I do.

I really hope that the points I wrote help you think deep and clear you mind.

Christmas is time of hope a time of love and a time of union, when we mess things up we better fix them fast before we regret it.

You children have a father, the three of them, do you realize how BIG that is? and the best is that HE loves you and you love him. This is not a case were I stay with him for the children but he hurt, hit, cheat and God knows what else.

I wish you that found your truth and that your decision is the best one for everyone involved (directly and indirectly).

Love, joy, happiness and blessings.

Ok first off remember that everything you are getting from your internet romance is a fantasy. You have no idea who or how this person really is. He could be a troll. It's easy to tell you everything you want to hear especially when you don't have to live with that person on a day to day basis.
I think what you are doing to your husband is very unfair and selfish.You obviously have some unresolved issues and instead of being in love with him for who he is and who he was when you married him...you now want him to change, even though you say he's perfect. You've already stated that you like a challenge so this internet guy is exactly that for you. A CHALLENGE.
Remember that there is always something bigger and better out there. Are you really willing to lose what you already have to pursue something you may never find again? We all go through the lag in our relationships, but it show our true character when we can persevere through the down times and come out with our families in tact.
I too am a stay at home mom and I too get lonely. It's easy to get sucked into the whirlwind of someone willing to tell you everything you want and need to hear. I've been there...I've done it. But at the end of the day I look at my husband (who also took my children from a previous marraige as his own) who is tired from working 14 hour days, and still finds time to tell me how much he loves me and know that I could search the world over but I'll never find someone who's seen me sick and at my worst...and still love me and my girls this much.
If you choose to leave him and go search for this fantasy man you very well could lose him and he very well could gain someone perhaps more deserving of his love and affection. I know this is harsh and perhaps hard to hear, but you are putting your needs above not only your husband's but your children's as well...and for some reason that makes me angry.

Hi S., you are going through a tough time right now and my heart goes out to you. I just want to encourage you to really think about what you want. A lot of times, when we get married, we do lose ourselves and disolve into this mother/wife/non individual thing. For some women, they learn to cope, others thrive in that role, but then there are women like you and me who long for our own identity. I mean don't get me wrong, I LOVE being a mom and wouldn't change that. But I also need to be just a woman who doesn't feel guilty if I want to pursue my own pleasures and dreams. I think that in this day and age, we can have it all. If we are true to our selves, we can learn how to balance everything, which is where I think I am. But on the flip side, my search for a more fulfilling life led to the failing of my marriage. I am currently seperated after 9 years of marriage. For the first 5 1/2 years, I was a stay at home mom and I homeschooled (we have 3 kids). Long story short, he sent me back to work (I didn't want to go at first). Now, I have become this sucessful career woman/mom and he resents it. We no longer see things the same way, we want different things and there is just no way to stay in a marriage when you are not on the same page. So we'll be getting a divorce soon and though thats sad, I have to live the life I believe is right for me. And I think I'm doing the right thing for me and my kids. The kids are with me of course, and we are happy. Its not always easy, but its for the best. I hope I have helped you a little. If you want to talk more you can email me. My email is ____@____.com.

First of all, IMO, having that sort of relationship (your online chat) is VERY MUCH CHEATING. If your husband met a woman, confided everything, and let her talk to him in a "sexy" way, you too would fell betrayed. In some ways I think I would almost rather he just have sex with them. Moving on, you need to decide what is most important to you. If saving your marriage is what you want, then go for it! Let him know what you need, but be ready to own up to the sevarity of what you have done to him. I think a good test for anything we do is "if my husband was watching this RIGHT NOW would he approve?" (so, decide for yourself when you are online, if my husband read this, would he be hurt? if so, maybe I shouldn't be doing this)... Good luck to you, stay strong!

I am sorry that you are getting so many judgemental responses.

No one here is perfect. Gees.........give someone a break when they need support.

I am certainly not perfect and don't claim to be. I've also been married almost 20 years and been with my husband for 22. There are ups and downs in all marriages. Obviously we are all here on the computer now and not running after some children, cooking and cleaning.

Keep your chin up S. and your gut will guide you to do the right thing for your family.

Now I can sit back and wait for hate mail.

Susan

I am a stay-at-homer with three kids, and I can understand the feelings of being isolated from the adult world, the need to be yourself again, the desire to feel sexy and needed.

Look at it this way, though:
Your kids are only young once, but while they are young, you have to focus a lot of attention on them. If you ran off with this internet guy, would you take your children with you? If so, how long before you'd be in the exact position you are now: staying at home with the kids, feeling isolated, too tired to really be in the mood? You may actually BE more isolated, as some of the people you know now may be furious with you for leaving your husband. Not only that, but you say that your children mean the world to you. What about THEIR happiness? This is their father; you leaving their father over someone you met online (who it may not even work out with - it's easy to misunderstand or misrepresent online) is a sure way to shake them to their core.

You need to talk to your husband and work your problems out. He is the one your children call Daddy, he is the one who has been with you all this time, he obviously made you feel sexy before (at least twice, LOL) and he is honestly trying to do his best by you.

This other guy gives you an ego boost, but he hasn't done a fraction of what your husband does for you and your children every day.

Ok first of all my husband has had some "special" online relationships in the past. They hurt me very much when I found out about them but I realize that its all roleplay for him and that he still loves me. On the other hand if it hurt your husband enough for him to separate from you that should tell you how hurt he his. If you want your marriage to be right again then the first thing you need to do is stop having an online affair with someone else. That is what it is whether you think of it that way or not. Next you need to apoligize sincerely to your husband and explain to him the emotions that lead you to looking outside your marriage for love and affection. Explain to him that you like to work and that you would not think he was less of a man for letting you get a small little part-time job somewhere just to give you a break from being home all day every day with just the kids to talk to. I love my kids but I have to work out of the house or I would go crazy. My husband is self employed so he can watch the kids while I work and then he likes being online doing different design projects and stuff so he has something to do besides go crazy watching the kids all the time.

In other words you need to decide what you are willing to do to earn your husband's forgiveness. In doing that though be honest about your other feelings about staying home all the time and what he does or doesn't do to make you feel like the sexy woman in his world. I gained weight with all my pregnancies and I am currently tring to lose it and while my husband has told me he would like me to be smaller but he still makes me feel like the sexiest woman in his world also.
This is just my advice
Good luck