How Do You REALLY Know Your Husband Is Cheating on You?

Updated on February 08, 2011
H.P. asks from South Hadley, MA
20 answers

Maybe I'm overly paranoid, bored, or dealing with pregnancy hormones and anxiety. BUT. I just can't get out of my head the feeling my husband is cheating or would cheat on me if an aggressive, attractive woman came on to him. Do I have proof? Not necessarily. Although I did find a woman's name and phone number on a business card, handwritten by her, in his gym bag which he keeps in his car. I confronted him about it but he claimed ignorance, not knowing who she was and saying it'd probably been in his bag long before he met me five years earlier. He could be telling the truth, I don't really know. But it still makes me wonder and it bothers me that anyone would leave something like that in a gym bag all those years and not notice it. But it's more about his lack of affection toward me, his lack of sexual interest in me, his preferring to spend time on his computer or pursuing his hobby away from me in the house that really bothers me. Also, his treatment of me in front of other women. It's weird, but he acts like we're not married, tends to give other women extra long glances and attention, making me feel like I'm interfering with his hitting on someone or cock-blocking their interest in him. I know it sounds jealous and petty, but I just can't shake the feelings and vibes I get. I have talked ad nauseum to him about my concerns and my fears and his behaviors, but he gets irritated with me, tells me he would never cheat on me and seems to withdraw from me even further. So I find myself feeling alone in the relationship, worried, and wondering if I am right. I don't know what to do and really am seeking insight, advice, and other experiences that could shed light on mine. I'm also wondering if I should buy the spyware programs you can attach to a computer or email message and spy on his email account. At what point does one go that far in a relationship?

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So What Happened?

Thanks for all of your insight and advice. I did talk to him about his withdrawal symptoms and he seems to be stepping up his emotional support. How long that will last is anyone's guess. My husband tends to go through these periods of being in a "funk" and acting accordingly. As for the woman's name on the card in his gym bag... I did call the number and got her voicemail substantiating her name. I hung up. She called back but I told her it was the wrong number. I haven't pursued that any further. I'm attempted to call her and do the yoga fitness instructor routine, as was suggested (love it!).. but am not sure what it would accomplish. I know my husband knows how I feel about infidelity and that I'd leave him in a heartbeat, taking the kids with me. So I think all I can do is be a loving, supportive wife and do the best I can in the marriage.... and of course, pray. For him, for us. For our kids. Thanks again.

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answers from Chicago on

My husband travels a few times per month, so I know if he wanted to cheat he has the perfect opportunity. I will not drive myself crazy worrying about it. As one poster said if they want to cheat, they will find away, and you constantly worrying about it will not change that.

I would confront him about the lack of affection, physically and emotionally. There has to be a reson for this, and I would want to know.

Also, do you know what he is doing on the computer? Does he lock himself in the office when on the computer? What is his hobby?

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answers from Boston on

Have you called the woman whose name was on the card in the gym bag? You might tell her that your husband left her card on his desk for you...isn't she the one that moonlights as a yoga instructor/personal trainer? You know, the one your husband raved about? The one that happens to also know all about fitness for pregnancy? Oh, wrong number? So sorry!

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Kansas City on

H., i was cheated on and found out about it. long story short we are still together 8 years later. it was very hard for me to get past the constant suspicion. the ONLY way i could get though it was this. until you have concrete proof- there's NOTHING you can do except worry yourself to death over it. you have to decide. either you believe him, or you don't. if you don't, then quit torturing yourself and leave. if you do, you have to commit 100% just like you expect him to. quit finding every reason to doubt him. confronting him will only make things worse, without proof. if you confront him without proof - if he's innocent, it will ruin your relationship. if he's guilty, he won't admit it anyway. once i decided to be happy, and quit worry about it - knowing (and making sure he knew) that if i ever did find proof, it WOULD be over, forever - i was slowly able to let go of the suspicion and i really did find happiness in my marriage. i hope you can find it too.

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answers from Missoula on

I was just watching Dr. Oz yesterday and the discussion was on how to tell if your mate is cheating. You named a few things that he talked about. If he suddenly doesn't want to be affectionate, and tries to get out of the house more often. And being on the computer ALOT more than usual. I would talk to him again and ask him if he wants counseling. Sorry. I'm pregnant too, and I don't think it's your hormones. You may feel less desireable, but you need to go with your instinct. Mine has never steered me wrong.

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answers from Bellingham on

If you are pregnant you need exercise and fun/meaningful activites with friends. It is easy to feel like you are not worthy when you are pregnant. Some men have a hard time with feeling the attractiveness of pregnant women, even their own wifes who are carrying their baby.
On the other hand don't be blind and don't make excuses. Don't ASK him anymore, if he was going to tell you he would have done it by now.
Stop investigating, it will make you nuts.
What will be different if you find out he IS cheating? Chances are if he is the "type" he has done it before and will do it again.
Right now feel your own happiness with a baby coming, build your OWN life and if you are wrong and are pushing to hard on him to be the solution to your own feelings of inadequacy he will come back around when the pressure from you is off.
YOU have to make YOU happy. You must know that you are ok and there is life and happiness in spite of what others (even an errant husband) do.

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answers from Dallas on

well i just got a divorce and my ex would always look at other women and watch there butts well i always would wonder if he was cheating well after the divorce he told me he cheated the signs i seen was did not love on me much at the end of are marrige sex died alot of fighting with me putting me down...and honey he aint going to keep a number that many years come on really 5years no if you have the feeling that he is doing something well he probally is:( just watch for every sign i wish u well takecare

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answers from Bellingham on

Oh sweetie! You don't know. You'll never really know unless you SEE him, which probably won't happen.
So - you can drive yourself absolutely nuts trying to spy on him - or you can focus all that energy on yourself and your baby. Which sounds healthier?
Men withdraw for all kinds of reasons.
It's not about sex (although with you it probably is connected to body image) but a pregnant woman can be beautiful and sexy. It's confidence that men find attractive.
That said, I would just tell your husband as bluntly as you can - no tears- that you've been feeling ignored lately. That you've been feeling un-sexy, but that you miss his attention. He's probably freaking out himself a little.
But the hardest thing I've had to learn in marriage is that your feelings are YOUR feelings. You can say "He Should" until you fall over, but you still have to own your feelings and take care of yourself when it comes down to it.
Women have a tendency to overthink things and try to find causes for why they're feeling what they're feeling. It's freeing to just announce "I feel a bit sad" Or "I feel so happy right now" and leave it at that. Don't expect anything back - don't expect him to do anything. And wait and be surprised.
It's so hard to just let go of control of the situation, I know. But the truth is - he is either going to cheat on you - or he's not - and it doesn't really matter what you do. You can't control that. You will just make yourself exhausted trying. And you need your energy for other things right now.
Have Faith, H.. Everything will go the way it's supposed to.

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answers from Phoenix on

I'd feel the exact same way if I were in your shoes. I'd do whatever it takes to win my husband back. I had to work hard to get my husband and I'd work extra hard to keep his affection and attention. LOL I wouldn't do the spying thing but be extra alert and make it so he can't help but be madly in love with you and only you. Be creative and don't hold back. This is YOUR husband, this man belongs to you! Hugs and prayers to you! Hang in there and don't give up! Good luck!

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answers from Kansas City on

unfortunately, i dont think there is anyway to really "know" without catching him in the act. If this your first child together? lots of men have a hard time with sex during pregnancy because (for some, dumb, male, ignorant reason) they think that they are hitting the baby during sex! As far as the business card, you never know. I was going through our coat closet last year and found a chocolate flavored condom in my husbands jacket pocket. i felt the same way. So i asked how long he had had the coat and he told since his freshman year of college (about 10 years), then i looked at the expiration date on the condom and it had already expired 3 years before! and those things have a 5 year shelf life, so obviously it was old. he thought it was hysterical and thought he remembered getting it out of a vending machine at a bar one time. so it is possible that the business card was old. its also possible a girl approached him and was trying to flirt with HIM and he wasnt doing it back, but she gave him her card and he just absentmindedly threw it in his bag. at this point, i think spyware would be a little extreme, and i would flat out confront him and sit down and talk about it.

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answers from San Francisco on


The phone number in the gym bag being five years old is probably a LIE. I think women know if their man is cheating. Some don't do anything because they like their life style. Some still love their man in spite of the cheating and work to repair their marriage and save their family. Some kick their man to the curb.
You just have to ask your heart, what will be best for all concerned, especially you and the baby. If you have a pastor, maybe you could have a chat.

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answers from McAllen on

Dear H.,
I too, have been cheated on, and many of the things you mention, I found with my ex, plus I'm a firm believer that women just know, in my case, I didn't actually catch him, I just confronted him, I told him "You are cheating on me, aren't you? Be a man and admit it" and he did. Having said that, remember that we can feel a little un-loved when we are pregnant.
Think to yourself, do you have motive not to trust him?, Do you want to deal with this right now? and If you are not 100% sure you can trust him (even if you have a prickle of a doubt) then by all means check his email account, you should have access to it, and if you feel like it, hire an investigator. One thing I can tell you for sure, you may think that knowing whether he is or isn't will be easier, if he is, it wont be any easier, at all, and if he isnt you will feel guilty. Think about it, best of luck.

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answers from Seattle on

Just my opinion, but a marrital counselor might be your best option.

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answers from Tulsa on

I would say you are not paranoid I divorced one that was screwing around and it sounds just like him. they avoid home there is no sex they belittle you and real evasive when it goes to answering questions. They will start taking better care of themselves. dressing diffrent. lack of interest in you hateful spending money and not being able to explain where it went. And more than likely accuse you of screwing around. to put the focus on you not him. if you have to defend yourself you take the focus off you accusing him and he doesnt have to lie to explain it. sorry but this is what I found. his "hobby" is chasing women.

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answers from San Diego on
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answers from San Diego on

I would focus on what you know to be TRUE. Don't let your mind or imagination wonder. Take your thoughts captive. Pray, it is amazing what God can to to alleviate any anxiety you have, He can and will help you if you turn to Him. Pray for your husband. If he is dealing with something, or struggling ask God to reveal it to him and you, and then you can go from there. I would never hire someone to do investigating for you. What would that say to your husband? God is the best Private Eye anyways, and some things should be kept private or in a counseling setting or something places that. I think it would show great respect to your husband to just trust in what he tells you. I can't remember the exact saying, but it something like this: "A man will show love if he is respected, and a woman will show respect if she is loved. "
I hope things gets better for you, and your family.
God Bless!

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answers from Honolulu on

YOu have already talked to him and it makes him colder and withdraw.

Okay, and well gut instincts do occur... and pregnancy hormones do tweak a woman.

Maybe, he is having a hard time dealing with a pregnancy too. Have you asked him? Do you both talk about it and your pregnancy? Its HIS pregnancy too... not only yours. For some men, it freaks them out. Or makes them feel older and not attractive anymore, or creates insecurities or anxiety in them.

You both need to talk about your pregnancy... and about the upcoming baby. HE needs to be included in that too. Does he go to pre-natal visits with you? It would be a good idea. And shop for baby together. Set up the house for baby together etc. Do ANYTHING together...

Next, a guy looks at other women. They are men. It does not stop just because they are married or have kids. Even the most genuine nerdy guy Husband will look at other women. So... either he must be authentic about it and tell you... or he acts like its the biggest SIN in the world and pretend he's a Monk and lie about it to you.
Or... he really is cheating. Which, you will either get an honest answer... or you won't.

My Hubby, gets all kind of business cards at work... from women as well, with their numbers. He tells me. Its nothing abnormal or nothing to hide. So what. I am not threatened by it. He has female friends too. I have guy friends. No biggie. So there are normal things like this... or there are abnormal opposite sex interactions, that are about cheating.

The thing is, you don't have a bottom-line answer... and you already asked him. He either feels you don't trust him so he withdraws.... or he truly is guilty.

All the best,

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answers from San Antonio on

I haven't read other's responses, but my first husband cheated on me. I do not know how often, but I had gut feelings that he was. I checked a text message and it was a little sexual. He of course said that I was out of line to be checking his phone. He was a musician and I found lyrics written by some girl in his pocket. THe lyrics were about an affair. He excused it by telling me "people give me lyrics all the time." I did not find out until a year after this that yes, indeed, he had cheated on me. I do notknow if he cheated once or ten times. But it took that whole year for him to come clean and admit his fault. It ultimately ended our marriage. Thing is, when we started dating, he cheated on his girlfriend with ME! So I should have known better.

So you do have that gut feeling, it seems. You do have some evidence of cheating. He may be cheating. He may not. He may be separating from you because he's hurt that you continue to accuse him. He may be separating from you because he's cheating. I really don't know how to tell you which is right. If I were you I would not continue to accuse him. But keep your eyes and ears open. Is this your first child? My current husband was not attracted to me and my big belly when I was pregnant. Perhaps this could be an issue too, but not likely as your husband seems very rude to put you down in front of others. Try to find a counselor or an experienced mom at church who you can share your feelings with in person. That might help you too.

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answers from Topeka on

A buisness card left in a gym long before you two were married 5 yrs ago ya right I know your not that ignorant.Your feeing this way for a reason go with your gut feeling investigate but be careful with what u do and how u persue it.You may be looking and find nothing or it may be there staring you in the face.Have a good pregnancy

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answers from Chicago on

If you really want to know the truth (and I said '"if"), hire a private investigator and get the answer once and for all. But do you really want to deal with this now, being pregnant? I'd also suggest counseling for at least yourself, and your hubby, too, if he would go.

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answers from San Antonio on

RE: How I Spied On My Girlfriend…The Good The Bad And The Ugly!

I recently had the same problem and wasn't sure if my girlfriend of five years was cheating on me.

I know all of you will not agree with me on this but I decided to spy on her to see if she was up to anything. All I can say is be prepared to accept the worst if you go this route. I personally would rather know what is going on behind my back.

Anyway…I installed some Spy Software into her phone. All you have to do is log on to your computer to find her location by GPS.

The program also sends you all of the numbers that she called and all of her texts that are sent and received even if she erases them.

Just by the texts alone, I found that she was cheating with TWO GUYS!

The software information page is at if you want to check it out.

It will give you answers if you really want them. Be careful for what you wish for..

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