My husbands phone rang last night while he was upstairs dealing with our boys misbehaving. I looked at who it was and knew he was waiting for the call, yelled up if he wanted me to answer it, and h did. I answered it, but not in time. So when I took the phone away from my ear to see if the call was connected, the text messages had popped up. This guy calling is shady to say the least so I didnt even want to see them. So I hit the back button to go back to the main screen. And I saw he had text messages with someone named Katie. So I looked. He had sent things like "Good Morning Beautiful. I hope to see you this morinng" and things along those lines. So of course I flipped on him and then got on the computer to get her number - which I did, and texted with her. Long story short...she is my kids TRASHY bus driver!!!! She told me they met at a gas station and it was all just friendly conversation - BS. They only texted on the 16th, but still...it is cheating to me and he knows it! He cheated on me in the past and it seems like every time I turn around I'm seeing signs. But he swears he loves me and our family and this girl told me he told her he was happily married and only wanted to talk. BS. It's a emotional affair in my book. He swears texting in not cheating, I disagree. Calling another woman beautfiul and that you hope to see her is definitely cheating in my book.
Quick recap - we had a ROUGH summer. My husband was basically laid off back in April and only started work a couple of weeks ago. So we are into debt again and it's frustrating, mainly because he didn't give up his beloved softball to look for jobs. I grew to resent him, and we worked on it so we got back on track. Last week he received an offer letter for a REAL job so he starts that next Monday. But still...no excuse in my book for this behavior.
Think about it in reverse. If you called another man gorgeous or sexy, what would be the intent behind it? You would be hoping to start something. So even if so far they haven't cheated, then the intent is there just by the flirting. Sounds like he's depressed and looking for some excitement. You either need counseling (If you want to save it) or to get out.
If my husband said or texted "Good Morning Beautiful!" to anyone, I would have to assume that she was attracted to someone other than me, and I would not be ok with it! So what if the saw each other at a gas station! They didn't need to exchange numbers and text!
Go with your gut!! I think you know the answer!! Now the question is how much more time are you willing to keep putting into this marriage?
Have you considered marriage counseling? Did you have any counseling following the last episode of cheating? I can see where you would be super-sensitive to anything remotely smacking of cheating, including a couple of flirty texts (which I don't think technically constitute cheating but are not exactly above board either). Obviously you guys have been through a lot of stress and marriage is a work in progress. Counseling/therapy may help. If he will not go, you can always go yourself and it can still help.
It's cheating because he's hiding it from you. Whether it's sexual or not, he's got a relationship of some sort that you know nothing about (other than discovering it accidentally). And now he's defensive about it. If it were innocent, he would have told you. Or stopped. So I'd get into some marriage counseling right away so he can figure out what's really important. If he won't go, then you go alone to figure out how to deal with this. It sounds like money is tight due to job issues, so call your town's family & children's service office, ask for sliding scale fees at any mental health clinic, see what your medical insurance will cover, or contact a clergy person. Trust your instinct - no matter how much he tries to belittle your feelings. Good luck.
To me Texting can be cheating to if the contents are right. This sounds like the contents are right. Most men are not going to admitt they are having an affair unless they are caught red handed. Your gut instinct is probably right. Weather it is physical cheating or emotional it is still a betrayal of the marriage. If you really want to make it work try marriage counseling but remember it's a two way street, you need to let go of the resentment, it's not healthy. Also ask him if you can look at his emails, face book with him standing right there. If he has nothing to hide his answer should be yes.
Yes it's cheating. Unless the woman is his mother, under no circumstances should your husband be sending another woman a text saying she is beautiful and look forward to seeing you. WHAT!!! I would have flipped out just like you did. Men love to twist things to make them innocent. The fact that you found it and he never talked about her has cheating written all over it. You probably caught it in the beginnning stages where nothing physical happened yet. Met at a gas station? and? Does that mean get her number? Seriously? He saw her at a gas station, remembered her from the bus, thought she was hot, flirted with her with the intention of hooking up at some point and got her number. You tell that jezebel to stay away from your husband. I'd report her to the school. Why the heck is she picking up a dad of one of the kids she drives. What a tramp. You say he's cheated before. If it's not this bus driver it will be someone else. You can't even feel safe that he's at the gas station cause he might get someone's number. If it were me, I'd tell him to go to marriage counseling, acknowledge what he is doing is wrong and harmful to his family. If not, he'd be out.
Hugs to you
As for the other circumstances--job, softball, "real" job, etc. I don't think they have anything to do with the texting situation, except to describe maybe a general household mood.
I don't think texting is a "textbook" case of cheating but I think anything going on, obviously intended to be kept hidden, is a problem. I don't think O. text constitutes an emotional affair. I think an affair involves a level of caring, emotional closeness at the very least.
Was she a possible roll in the hay? Maybe. Did he act on this? Sounds like he didn't.
I can hear the anger and disgust in the tone of your post. I'm sure you are upset (as I would be) that he texted someone. BUT are you looking for a reason to nail him with divorce? If so, this isn't "it". If you are miserable and want out, by all means, do so but think long and hard about what reasons are behind your decision. I don't think a text message has enough power to destroy a relationship that both people want to work. Good luck!
Updated
As for the other circumstances--job, softball, "real" job, etc. I don't think they have anything to do with the texting situation, except to describe maybe a general household mood.
I don't think texting is a "textbook" case of cheating but I think anything going on, obviously intended to be kept hidden, is a problem. I don't think O. text constitutes an emotional affair. I think an affair involves a level of caring, emotional closeness at the very least.
Was she a possible roll in the hay? Maybe. Did he act on this? Sounds like he didn't.
I can hear the anger and disgust in the tone of your post. I'm sure you are upset (as I would be) that he texted someone. BUT are you looking for a reason to nail him with divorce? If so, this isn't "it". If you are miserable and want out, by all means, do so but think long and hard about what reasons are behind your decision. I don't think a text message has enough power to destroy a relationship that both people want to work. Good luck!
I agree with denise. Try not to over react about the text. But he really shouldn't keep female friends hidden from you. My husband has female friends and I know they are nothing more than that. Because he tells me everything. As long as the communication lines are open about having female friends to talk to it shouldn't be an issue. I think you should allow your husband to have female friends he can talk to for advice and stuff because if you're the type that doesn't want him to talk to other chicks then this could cause a problem in your relationship. My husband flirts with the cashiers and I know it's nothing more than a casual thing. I could tell if my husband is cheating since I use his cell phone all the time.
S. T
I think it's fine to have friends of the opposite sex if you or they were friends before your relationship, but boundaries must be set, and you don't go out and start a friendship with your kids' bus driver or teacher or anything! Unfortunately, it sounds like he's a cheating sort of guy. He's cheated before and here he is starting something else. When people of the opposite sex are friends, they don't send each other texts like that. I have a number of male friends who I've been friends with much longer than my husband. They may give me a peck or say, "Hey gorgeous!" when we see each other -in FRONT of my husband, and it's all very brotherly and not sexual at all. I'm really sorry you're having such a rough time with this. You can go to counseling to see if he truly can amend his ways, but I have to be honest -I wouldn't be able to trust him enough at this point after a previous affair and now this. Between that and the softball/work situation, it sounds like he's incredibly immature and incredibly selfish. Good luck, but realize you deserve to be happy and NOT cheated on -physically or emotionally!
"When you’re going outside the boundaries of what you’re supposed to share, emotionally and physically, only with your partner, cheating is cheating is cheating." My husband sexted for 6 mos -- I said counseling and cut you off all social networking or divorce. He did not believe it was cheating.
If you both want to do the work to work this out, it's possible. We are still working on it a year later -- our relationship has gotten better but for me it's still very shaky and might not ever be the same.
There's a TON of things online to start conversations, and even more on marriage building and such. My H isn't too keen on self-driven talks, even less so on looking at links online and discussing, so counceling was the best for us -- we were supported by mediator to see the other's side as well as have our own supported.
Much luck and light as you both work on this!
If you call it cheating and want to go to a marriage counselor with the possibility that things could change a couple of years down the line then do so. You can also prepare yourself in case they don't (how much time do you have here-a lifetime) and get yourself prepared in case you decide you can't take it. That means, get educated and be ready to be independent if need be. Save money (20 dollars a week is a good little backup-over a year is over a thousand dollars/not enough to live on, but a way to run away from home for a brief time or a vacation if you totally trust eachother and want to honeymoon again). The point is empower yourself. If you are in love with a cheating person he may promise and promise again, and he may be in love with you intensely but be sick himself.It is a sickness for some people, and like many addiction it cannot always end the first try. My mother used to say, once a cheater always a cheater. With the correct therapy that may not be true, but it would be work to overlook what wounds he has already opened and you must be prepared for that. You also need to understand this and so many people do not and just accept the way their spouses are: you do not deserve to be cheated on. A lot of people think they aren't worthy of being totally loved. If you can accept that, forgive yourself and him you may be able to move on with someone else or forge your way through with him. Good luck.
Hi R.,
IMHO, whether texts like that are cheating or not, they are definitely stupid. A good rule of thumb to go by is that anyone should be able to look at anything that you do or say (in person or via text) without any information other than that one occurance and NOT lift an eyebrow. If anything you are saying can, in any way, be misconstrued then you are engaging in dangerous activity.
My husband is super careful about such things because he feels that it discredits HIM. He also realizes that it is a slippery, slippery slope.
If your husband is going through a rough time financially and losing his job was a blow to his ego, then the fact that he is seeking ANY kind of attention from someone outside of his marriage should be setting of major alarm bells in his head.
If you're gonna work on this then I think the first question to ask was why it didn't. If he really feels that nothing was inappropriate then you are going to have to explain to him, as calmly as humanly possible, why it was and all the ways it could have gone wrong. Don't be preachy, just try to explain to him from an outsiders perspective how it looked to you and how it would have looked to anyone - INCLUDING THE TRASHY BUS DRIVER. It's dangerous business opening doors that are better left shut and if he feels he needs to open them then I would start digging with him to figure out WHY.
L.
I agree it's cheating. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't really have any advice, but I wanted you to know I'm saying a prayer for you!
I can't say exactly what I'd do if I were in your situation, but here are my immediate thoughts...
1. Yes, it's cheating if he's not telling you about this other woman. I agree calling her "beautiful" and hoping to see her is beyond "friendship", even if it is just texting.
2. If he's cheated in the past then he should understand by now what you expect as far as the "line", and that you would be wary of any women friends he has, esp. if he hasn't told you about them.
3. If you are concern about his behavior and the disconnect you have between what you feel is acceptable and what he does, I would get into marital counselling NOW.
I think you have every reason to be upset, anxious and worried about his behaviors behind your back. The fact that you mention that he's cheated before tells me that you aren't "over it" despite the fact that it is in the past and you have remained married. It sounds like you both need to get on the same page. And for the record, I'm with you. His behavior is inappropriate. He has "proven" through past behaviors that he can't be trusted, so he should "be on his best behavior" whenever it comes to looking at, talking with, etc. other women.
A really good book to read is Men are from Mars girls are from Venus.. This book explains a lot of the way men look at issues and how women look at the same issues. It is so true. Once you read this book, do a test. Make conversation with your spouse and get his views on paper. At the same time you write yours down. You will see how different they are and what it means in your everyday life. Men need to be needed even when they are getting it at home. If you want this to work you need to open a whole new prespective and so does he, You both need to understand each other. By no means is texting another woman exceptable especially since he already cheated on you and you know about it. This just leads to more anger and then you bring it all back again like a circle. You want to save your marriage then you need to sit and talk and set boundries. If this does not work you need a mediator and lots of time.
I am sorry you have to deal with this. I feel this is cheating and is uncalled for. My first husband cheated and it was the hardest thing for me to deal with but eventually I figured out that it had nothing to do with me but was an addiction that he was not willing to deal with. I am sorry to say that he gets some satisfaction out of the chase. No excuse for his behavior! He probably does love you and the kids but he wants his cake and feels that he can eat it too.
I wouldn't say it is "cheating" but it is ALMOST!!!
It would PISS ME OFF!!!
I think you should seek counsling. It looks like he is giving you a ll of the warning signs that he is going to cheat.
