Meeting My 19 Year Old Stepson

I too am a Naval Veteran. I also reconnected with biological family while in the service. I do think it is the military, that gives him the courage to face a fretful situation. He is just as anxious as you are! His reason for being in the military, may be influenced by the need to belong to something bigger than himself. He may not even realize that yet?? My only advice is to suggest that you support his decision, as it is a wise one, to be in the military. Just like you stated in your request. Simply that continued involvement with his mother wasn't an option. So that you are not saying she got crazy or anything because after all that is his mother. Just state the facts as they are. No need to apologize profusely or feel guilty. He will understand. I will speak for myself and say that a lot of what I was looking for was validation from my father. I knew that I was Ok and "Normal" but still needed that stamp of approval from "Pops". Like I said that was what I needed, may not be what he is after. Oh, another thing is deployments, if he has been there done that, or is going on one, he has been instructed to "Handle his affairs" meaning clean house and get his affairs in order. He has or will be going into harms way, and wants to have everything settled. So that could be a motivator as well. I have been on multiple deployments and their is a lot of independent time to think! I know right! But it does make you think about what you really want out of life! The military only gives you the drive to achieve that goal. As for you specifically, be interested, but don't obsess. Ask about his job, does he like it? He is in the Navy so he will be traveling where has he been? Where is he going?? I am assuming he is an enlisted member and not an officer, as he is only 19. So his paygrade will be E1 thru E4 those are the bottom rungs of the ladder, ask when he is taking the advancement exam? Has he studied for it? He will expect that sort of thing from you as you are a Mom! I could go on and on. So if you have any specific questions feel free to e-mail: ____@____.com

Lynn, My husband had a daughter when we were married. the mother of the daughter moved continually so that we never knew where they were. We stayed in touch as much as possible. However the daughter had a lot of anger stuff going on. I can give you one piece of advice. Don't say anything negative about the mother. Even though you will want to don't. When we were finally in touch regularly with my husbands daughter she was almost 18. her mother said "I think its best if we just don't place any blame as to why she has not been in contact with you" well ummmm lets see she's pissed at us for not being in touch? but the mom is the one who moved her ever year to a different state, city etc with unlisted phone numbers. the daughter is not stupid and she knows it was the moms fault but we just took the high road and didn't run down the mom. it will go much smoother if you do it that way.

Hello Lynn I would not worry at all. He contactd you guys so he has realized that things were not what they appeared to be years ago. Some women once divorced try to hold on anyway they can and she used the children. Thank God he did what he was suppose to financially and the mother could not say he didn't support his children. The military and being seperated from your family tends to give you time to reflect. This son obviously wants to have contact with his father and I am sure the other child will also. Be yourself and relax. I am sure he will get a kick out of having a little sister. Just remember to tell your husband to answer any questions that he might have about the divorce as honestly as he can without bashing the other parent. He will be able to put the pieces together for himself. I have been divorced twice. I had 2 sons with my first husband and a daughter with the 2nd. I never used my children to get back at their fathers because when my parents divorced, at my request, my mother never did that to me. I pray that all goes well and the other child(ren) contact dad soon.

I would have to say that you should enjoy meeting your stepson for the first time and let things flow naturally. Welcome him as a new member of your family and just get to know one another as adults.

He may not think of you as a "stepmom" but more as "his father's wife" because he is an adult and you were not a mom to him. Don't be offended at all! My husband's father remarried and although we like his wife, she is not really a "stepmom" as she arrived on the scene after he was an adult on his own. However, we love her as his father's wife and we all enjoy getting together.

Hope everything turns out wonderful!

I agree with all other posts - don't bash the other parent. But go into this thinking she's already bashed your husband to pieces. His son will probably have questions - answer honestly, and be APOLOGETIC for not being there or whatever, even apologize for the ex if an issue comes up: "I am so sorry your mother didn't let you see me, I tried so hard...". But in all you say and do, show interest in him. Ask him questions too about him and his life, and include him in your family - take pictures, send him off with pictures of you, business cards, email addresses, cell phone numbers. This should be wonderful, enjoy it!!!

L. - I'm very happy for you, your husband and stepson. I will tell you how I felt as a child who had a similar experience. My parents had a bad divorce when I was about 15. My dad just dropped out of the picture and we never saw or heard from him. At the time, I felt like I didn't care much because I was so tired of the fighting between my parents. But as I got older I sort of felt angry with my dad because as an adult I realized that it was his responsibility as an adult to do whatever it takes to maintain a relationship with me and my siblings.

Your husband, if he hasn't already, needs to just step up and own his responsibility and his fault for not keeping up with his son. He needs to let him know - yes verbalize, which I know can be hard for men - that he has missed him, that he thought about him and that he doesn't ever want to be out of touch with him again.

What might be nice is for you and your husband to give your (step)son some type of gift that encourages communications. Maybe give him some prepaid phone cards or some pre-addressed post cards or stamped envelopes so that he gets it that you want to hear from him regularly and often.

well i can tell you from a stepchilds ponit of veiw...every child is going to be different so he may act differently then i did but i knew my step mother since i was a child but it changed alot from going to visit a family friend to the friend moving in and never leaveing. All i could say is that all i ever wanted was to be treated equaly with my stepsister and feel apart of the family. i think you should slowly talk to him but dont be stand offish but dont crowed him either. so in a sence be there but dont be there. he hasnt seen his dad in a while so it will be good for them to bond without you(no a offense ) but since he hasnt seen him he might not be egar to be around you right away because you are new to him he'll slowly come around but you never know he can act the compelet opposite and want to be with both of you and it will be like you have known him since a child. When you and your husband pick him up you guys should go to lunch or dinner (if he just wanted to go home and rest first the ride home might tire him) but either or it would be a great idea so that you guys can meet and get to kno each other, i think that would be a great start im sure he knows that you are not at fault for his parents he's old enough now to understand the difference so therefore he should have no hatered towards you so it wont be difficult. While he is visiting you and your husband should try to find fun things to do as a family. hope everything works out good luck.... so just go with the flow everything will fall into place and be comfortable and just be yourself that most impostant!
GOOD LUCK

Hi L.,

I don't think you have too much to worry about since it has been a long time since your husband's divorce with his mom. Remember too that he is now an adult, and you a have better chance that he will accept you. I have a wonderful step-mother that treated me like her own. My dad married her when I was an adult so I was happy that my dad finally married someone he enjoys being with. Plus, you and your husband have a child too. He will probably be thrilled to meet his sister.

I actually went through this in reverse and didn't see my father in many years. I hunted him up and found him. I am happy to say that I was able to develop a relationship with him that lasted until his death and I was able to participate in the family he grew to have (two more girls and another half brother) after we met up again. Your husband paid child support it sounds like, according to my mother my father didn't, but my father said he did. Once I was grown up I no longer wanted that to be my issue. I wanted to know my father. But it is good that your husband paid child support. A lot of parents can make that an issue for their children. AT any rate, I met his wife to be shortly after I hooked up with him again and attended their wedding. I was never treated like a little girl, was treated like the adult that I was and enjoyed spending time with them. Once we had the first dinner together we spent some of the years afterward doing fun things, and my children ended up being close in age to my half sisters. A poster said don't talk about the wife and I think that's true, take the son's guide. I would have found it uncomfortable to have to talk about my mother all the time. I can't say he will react anything like I did but I think after I looked at the other posters that they have some great guides for this. Just enjoy him. Find out what he likes. Find out how the Navy is for him (that in itself is another issue -my son is in the Navy!) LIsten to descriptions of his job. He time to think now away from mom and might have a lot to say but could say it in his time. Just have fun! Just like with anyone else. Do not be nervous and he might have some stories for you! Anymore questions please go ahead and write to me. I could blabber about this all day. And I'll be he is going to enjoy your little one immensely! Please thank him for his service from us moms.

Hi L. Since your husband hasn't seen his son in 12 years, just hope his mother hasn't brainwashed him with negative things about his father. Just take one day at a time and hopefully things will work out fine. Since he contacted him, he may wants some answers about his absence in his life. I'm sure his mother has told him something and he wants to hear it from him. So he made the first step by contacting him which shows he interested in meeting you and his three year sister. Good Luck