Marriage and Cheating

I don't think anybody can REALLY say exactly what they would do if their spouse cheated on them or how they would handle any other terrible situations. It all depends on the circumstances, who with, how it happened etc. And since you don't know all this....it's hard to say. I told my husband, who had cheated on me pre-marriage, that if he ever cheated on me again I would walk. Well - 5yrs in, 2 kids plus one on the way later I can't say it would be so easy to do.

if my husband cheated, he would be OUT! There is no way I could live with someone who has done that.

Before kids and after, I'd still end it. He knows this. I'd never be able to forgive and forget. I might forgive, but couldn't be with him and forget. If he did it once, I'd forever think he will or has been doing it again. The trust would be gone.
I've told him that if he gets to the point where he wants to sleep around, he should just tell me beforehand. It's not like I would be any happier, but somehow that would make me still tolerate his presence.

Cheating is a no-apologies accepted, no-second-chances offered deal-breaker for me. And yes, I've been cheated on.
If I can't trust him to do something as simple as keep his johnson in his jockeys, what CAN I trust him with?

And please don't call it a "mistake." A mistake is something you do accidentally. Putting salt instead of sugar in your coffee is a mistake. Washing a red sock in a load of white laundry and turning everything pink is a mistake. Forgetting to log a debit card purchase and over-drawing the checking account is a mistake.
There are several deliberate acts that have to take place in order for sex to happen. An agreement to have sex has to be reached. A location has to be found. Clothing has to be removed or at least rearranged in order to allow access to certain anatomical features. You can't accidentally have sex with someone.

And don't use "not getting what s/he needed from the marriage" as an excuse. If you're not getting what you need from your spouse, SAY SO! Decide together if it CAN be fixed, and if you're willing to do what it will take to fix it. If not, then dissolve the marriage. Don't just go knocking boots with someone else.

Sigh, why does it have to be called 'cheating'? Is it a test? Is it like your taxes?

I hate that word.

I mean, is it a race, or a competition, where if you 'cheat' you might 'win'?

Marriage is a Union, a team. How can you 'cheat' against your own team, right? Makes no sense.

Anyway, I'm in a really weird place in my life, I am re-examining my own philosophies at great length, sorry to be so introspective. I am actually only NOW, at 44, learning what commitment really is, and learning that, until NOW I have never actually made a commitment. sigh.

So.....to answer the question, no, I guess it is not a dealbreaker, in fact, I'm not sure there ARE any deal breakers with regards to REAL commitment, you know? And if there WERE real 'cheating' (you'd have to define cheating to me, cuz in some ways there HAS been 'cheating', lots of it), no, I could not bag it, I will fight for us.

(And we are BOTH habitual cheaters. In fact our entire 29 year relationship is based on 'cheating')

Anyway, I've had this response open for 45 mins now! Don'tcha have any FUN questions, geez?!

:)

It would hurt beyond belief, but I think the best way to deal with it (and I pray I never have to, but it's not really something I worry about) is to try and forgive and work through it. If you want to save your marriage, sometimes you have to take the reigns, even if you're not the one who ran it off the road in the first place. Sad, but true.

For my husband and I...instant deal breaker. In my opinion, I'd be telling my son it's OK to disrespect the woman he loves like that. Yes, I love my husband. But he OBVIOUSLY didn't love me enough to respect our vows. What would I be teaching him, by staying with a man who would do that? That you can work through anything? Sure, on paper it sounds noble. But, in practice it proves that I accept and condone this behavior, becuase of a vow. The same vow, that my husband broke. No thanks. I'd rather my son not see him everyday, then see me remain with a cheating liar.

P.S.
I wouldn't tell my son when he was young, of course. However, if her were older and asked why our marriage failed...I would never lie to him. He would deserve the truth, if he were old enough to understand.

I can handle an open relationship. I cannot handle the lying.

First time (long term affair) I was hurt, devastated, betrayed, jealous, but forgave him (after an uppercut to the jaw). When the lying continued, it broke something in me.

Second time (I caught him, god only knows the actual number) was a few years later/ a few years ago. I still haven't forgiven him... because he's still lying.

That's who my husband is. He lies. He lies to me, he lies to other people, he lies to himself (to justify what he wants, instead of just being open about what he wants).

Our marriage is over. It died sometime last year. His temper, his lies, his selfishness... my heart broke one time too many, and unlike every other time, it never bounced back. We still live together. I don't care if he wants to have sex with other people, and I'm definitely not having sex with him. (during both affairs -that I know about-, for 9 years, we were having sex 1-2 times a day, for the past year, nada). I WOULD rather like about 10k a pop in annoyance money.

Cheating (even kissing another woman) is a deal breaker for me. As much as it would hurt me and the kids, it would be the best thing because I would not want them growing up and finding out I stayed 'for them'. How horrible would they feel? That I sacrificed (even if I wanted to) my happiness just to make them think their world was this completely happy family. I think separated but happy parents are MUCH better than married and unhappy.

Just my .02!

Oh and hubby knows this....and I told him (not to be tooting my own horn) that it would hurt him more than it would hurt me (not emotionally) because I do the bills and the grocery shopping and the planning. He would literally be a hermit with the kids if it weren't for me (his words not mine! LOL).

I definitely think the perspective changes as you get into a marriage, have kids, build a life together. my husband had an emotional affair about a year and a half ago - and it nearly brought us down. i almost think a physical one night stand would have been easier to take - the part that was so hard was the deceit - the lies - and the denial that anything 'real' was happening. it never got physical so he thought the 'friendship' was ok. i - on the other hand - felt the interest, connection, etc were the problem.
in the end we worked it out but it still hurts - even now - to think about how close we came to losing 20 years. on the flip side - it made me realize we'd been neglecting each other and it made us both focus on being better partners.

Someone recently told me that even though you think getting a divorce will solve all your yucky marriage problems it doesnt you are just opening up a whole different set of problems. With children anyways. Cheating is a deal breaker for me. It wasn't the first time, but i wish it had been. I knew if it ever happened again i'd run and i did. It is the hardest thing i have ever had to do. Mustering up the courage to change my life and my kids so completley. But in the end i know we deserve better.

It is not a deal breaker for me. Just like you I would have thought differently before having a child, but my priorities have changed over the years and providing an stable family for my daughter is very important to me.
Obviously a family in which mistrust and fighting is a daily occurrence isn't healthy either - but I think I would want to work it out.

I'm pretty sure it would be an instant deal breaker for me. Knowing myself, I don't think I could ever forget that it happened, or look at him the same, or trust him again. I'd be living in a constant state of wronged woman paranoia. Not a way I would want to live, personally. I know I wouldn't be happy & would be worried all the time, there would be a tense vibe in the air, and that's not something a little kid should have to be around.

So, for me, I don't look at leaving an unhealthy marriage as something terrible or miserable. I look at it as quite the opposite. I know some people will point out that they took vows, but so did the cheater, then he certainly wasn't thinking about that when he stuck it to someone else. He broke the vows, not the wronged party.

It depends on whether its a short affair or a long drawn out one. A friend of my husband found out that her husband of 16 years had been in a parallel relationship with another woman since before they married. That was a deal breaker.
If he visits prostitutes or has many quickie encounters your health is endangered by his conduct. AIDS or herpes is a big price to pay to stick with an unfaithful husband or wife if you are a man.

You never really know what you will do until you are experiencing it. I believe that it would be a deal breaker for me as I have already gone through the pain of watching my husband flirt with another woman for months and tell me that he wanted to have sex with her. He was just out there with it, and didn't care what I thought or felt...we were going through a very bad time. So, now, 9 years later, I am still not fully trusting of him. I know that he has many issues with impulse control and I just don't know what to trust. So, in my case, since I know how badly it has hurt me and my marriage watching him flirt and want to be with her, I do not believe that I would stay if he ever truly cheated. I have one dd and it would be very hard, but somehow I would have to make it.

I wouldn't take it repeatedly. But I would try to work it out once. I would punish the hell out of him and make him crawl over broken glass on his hands and knees, but I wouldn't leave him...once

it's definitely a deal breaker for me. to me, it's like telling my daughter, it's ok not to respect yourself enough to stay with a man who doesn't respect you or love you enough to remain faithful. it's like telling my son, it's ok to treat women like this. i believe that of everything, cheating is the absolute stupidest thing someone can do. it's completely unneccessary. obviously you don't love the person you are with enough to be faithful, and in today's world it's TOO easy to get divorced. so why not just tell your spouse , "it's not working" and wait until the divorce is final to get the other person. it just shows a total lack of respect and feelings for the other person. and even God said that is the one exceptable reason to divorce is adultery. so if He's all for it, so am I :)

Try to work it out.

i found out my ex cheated for years, so that was a dealbreaker....I don;t think it should be if there is a solid foundation of trust and happines to go off of, for M. there was cheating froma few months in even though I never knew about it, so it made M. question every aspect of our relationship and realize a lot about myself and him. We're seperate and friends now, but I guess to answer your question, it depends how far into the relationship, the duration, the reasoning for it, and what they are doing to prevent it in the future, and if they are willing to fight to proove themselves.

I guess it would depend on the situation and his willingness to repent and get help. Thankfully, we are so close and after 20 years of marriage, we are more in love than ever... so I don't think about this much.

I always told my husband that if he ever decided to start sleeping with someone else he better just go ahead and end the marriage first. Really, it would be much safer for him. :)

It depends on the type of cheating. In case of a purely sexual thing i would forgive and work on my marriage. My marriage is too important to let that kind of thing come between it. If it were an emotional thing i really dont think i could go on. I own his heart and so do my kids, just as he and them own mine. Without that there is no marriage. His body is not as vital, i mean i dont want to share it, but i think with a reversal of habits, therapy and admittance of wrong doing i would certainly work on it.

5 years ago (before the kids, house and life) I would have said "Cut his &*%# off and walk out the door". Now, I reall ydon't kow what I would do. We have talked about it b/c our neighbors (very close friends) went through this three years ago and it was heart wrenching to watch. I can only imagine how difficult it was to try and move forward.

In their situation it was an on-going affair that started within weeks of them getting back from their honeymoon. I truly believe that he loved his wife, but it was a case of an immature guy getting hit with "too much too soon"- house, wife, kid (preggers on their honeymoon). He cheated, she took him back three times but the affair didn't stop. They divorced after going back-and-forth for over a year. I had dinner one night with her after the divorce was finalized and she said that she just couldn't get past it and trust him- but his chronic behavior demonstrated that he couldn't be trusted.

Another friend had an entirely different situation and her husband had a one-time "oops". They worked through it, but honestly the relationship isn't as strong as it used to be. They work at it (genuinely) every day, but there is something sad about them- almost defeated.

I hope NONE of us have to make this choice, but Molly you are right... it's amazing how your opinions and feelings change after you build a life and family with someone!

I agree. It does depend on the situation. I may try to work it out...

I'd do everything I could think of to work it out.

I couldn't leave my husband. However, I would make his life a living hell until I ws ready to forgive him and work on moving on.

I think I would try and work it out with him if he were to just do something stupid, like drunken sex with someone comes to mind. An emotional relationship would hurt me way more but I would still try and work it out, but I would make him pretty miserable for a while first. I know some marriages come out better as a result of it. No more taking anyone for granted. However, this would be if he did it to me. I know my husband very well and trust him completely. On the other hand, due to things that happenned to him in the past. I really don't think he would be capable of working it out if I were the one who cheated. I would never do it, but I know this to be reality, so if I ever did do it I would absolutely expect it to be the end.

My first husband cheated on me - I didn't take him for all he was worth...I kept him for about 3 more years - we were both young and dumb...immature - rosed colored glasses about the world and life...I couldn't trust him however, he didn't want to be trusted...he wanted to have fun...

My husband now? Trust him with everything I have...if he cheated on me? I would want to know why and work from there...we've been married 14 years and together 16 soo really....not so easy to throw it all away..

like you my heart goes out to those who have been cheated on...it's sad and hurtful...so many consequences from one action...

Ditto what Mom2KCK said 100%

a one time mistake? I'd try to work it out
an Arnold or Tiger-style serial cheater? gone!

I have a freind that had a very "activly-cheating" husband, she tried to work it out but then they divorced. He married again, cheated some more, then POOF! he finally woke up! He divorced his second wife and tried to work things out with my friend, they had three kid's together. Needless to say, after 4 and ahalf years they re-married! And are happier then ever! You really don't know what you got until you lose it! And it definately showed on him! For me, it would all depend, how many time's and was he sincerely sorry? It's a hard situation to be in and hope and pray to god that never happens lol! But yes, I would probably try to work something out for the sake of our kid's. I would probably be soo heart broken though, my gosh! I'm getting the chills just thinking about it! But when it come's to love, you sacrifice alot and try to work things out for the best, even if it came down to a divorce. Now if it was a constant thing where he had girlfriends on the side then I would definately leave, but if it was a "drunk-night" thing I would probably still have doubts and trust issues but still do some sort of counseling....

What led to the cheating? That should be addressed. If it was a behavior of mine that drove him away, then I need to ask forgiveness.
If there was no reason for it except his own weakness, does it stop?
I wanted out, and not because of cheating, but I never intended to take him for all he's worth.

I can relate to your changing mind about this topic. Not that I wouldn't be extremely hurt and angered if it happened, but I think it really depends on the situation if it can be worked on. I would never tolerate a "long term" thing, but if a one time "mistake" was made, I think I would consider working on things. I would demand counseling and ensuring those circumstances don't arise again. Tough question!

Well , my husband had a emotional affair 2 1/2 years ago. I do not believe it matters if sex is involved or not....... It hurt BAD, all i could do it cry for days.......I could not believe it was happening, I mean my husband was a saved by grace church going Christian. As a Christian myself I was able to "stand on the Rock" . Many people told me at that time to leave him. It took a long time for the trust to come back, but we made it. It was a mira cle considering all the stuff that my husband was involved in, but God Almighty is still in the miracle business.!!!!!!!!!!!!!:)

for me it was a deal breaker, but I think every marriage and situation is different. It wasn't the first or last time he cheated, it was a bad marriage, etc.

I do agree that there are times when it can be worked out and divorce is a miserable pain that lasts a long time, so if it can happily be avoided that's awesome....

I always say when trust is lost it can't be restored, but that's another thing that is particular to individuals I suppose.

Good question... I'll be interested to see what others have to say

My husband and I were *just* talking about this! We've been together for 13 years and I've ALWAYS said that if he ever cheated on me we'd be Done. BUT, now that we have three amazing little girls I know it wouldn't be that cut and dry.

If my husband cheated on me I would be heartbroken and furious. But if it was a one-time thing, I think I could forgive him. It would take a LOT of time and councelling, but I think it's something we could move on from. But our relationship would never be the same. Right now, he's my first and only love, my very best friend - I know he would never do anything to hurt me and I trust him 100% with my whole heart. But if he cheated? That would all be gone. We'd have to start from scratch, building a new relationship; I'd have to learn to trust him again and I don't know that I'd ever have the complete faith in him that I have now. But I'd try.

Also, I've flat out told him that, if he decides he wants to be with someone else to please have the dignity and self-respect to end OUR relationship first.

The kids is the wrong reason to settle for disrespect. Think about your husband's actions. He's cheating to satisfy his needs, desires, wants, and what's lacking in his marriage, or simply cheating because it's his nature. Sorry, staying for the kids is a cop-out to your own strength as a woman to expect nothing but honorable treatment.

I've always said and maintain this position, if my mate cheats, he can pack up and get going on the first flight out. LOL. I think about the total act, the meeting, the deception, the sex, and goodness knows what he is doing with the cheatee. It's about self preservation, not the children. They are resilient and will grow into adults one day and you will realize you sacrificed your life to ultimately be alone. A cheater doesn't just stop cheating.

Cheating does not make for a big settlement, especially if the woman leaves the cheater, he did not desert the family. At this stage, yes, I'd get rid of the husband because my kids are teens and old enough to realize what's going on - I would not have them know that this was acceptable. I would not be looking to reconcile, I would be looking to move on. While divorce is horrible for kids, so is living with parents who are not truly married and have resentment.

Totally agree with you. I also 100% trust my husband anyways. He's also my best friend, and we are just awesome together. But still, IF he were to "stray", my first reaction would NOT be to call it quits.

I used to think it would be a dealbreaker. But I think it's more complicated than I used to think. Not so black and white. And what do you mean by "cheating?" Is it the actual act of adultery, or is it the New Testament version of lusting after a woman, which is the same as committing adultery in your heart? How about an emotional affair?

And does it matter if he's sorry and penitent?

Well, I have no idea what exactly my husband did, because he won't confess completely and refuses to talk about any of it. He confessed (maybe) completely to our church leaders, who told me that I could choose if I wanted to know what he did, and then he'd have to tell me. I said I wanted to know, but stbxDH still refuses, 4 years later, to tell me. I know that he was looking up local women who post naked pictures of themselves online, chatted with them online, and even went to meet them. Our church leader said that he got right up to the line of committing (The act of) adultery, but never crossed it.
And see, I think I could get over it IF:
He would confess completely and try to make restitution.
He were sorry and penitent.
If he hadn't done it repeatedly, even after I caught him the first time, for years and years.
If he weren't also abusive to me and the kids.

So right now, I'm not feeling particularly willing to "get over it" and work it out. I have never told the kids about this, nor will I. There is enough reason for us to live without him besides the cheating.

As for the word cheating, I don't see why it's a misnomer, as someone suggested. If you're on a team, working together, and one member of the team and fools around with the member of another team, that's cheating. But maybe the reason it's called cheating is that the victim of the cheating feels so cheated; cheated out of the love, devotion, commitment, and the breaking of promises.