Husband Cheated.. Now What? (Sorry Long)

Updated on October 01, 2011
H.M. asks from San Diego, CA
52 answers

I don't know if I have an exact question here, but maybe thoughts or advice?? So last week my daughter was playing with my husbands iphone early in the morning and as he slept in, she and I went downstairs. She was done with the phone and handed it to me... feeling a little nosy after my husband was in Vegas for a week for a conference one week earlier, I looked into his text messages and there were a some racy texts between him and some girl... pretty graphic. My heart and head started going crazy and I was so shaky!! I didn't say anything to him when he left for work that day so as to not argue in front of our kid. But that night, after little one was asleep, I confronted him. Of course, his natural instinct is to deny everything. I kept asking him to be honest and please tell me what happened.. for the sake of our marriage he has to tell me the truth or we have nothing. I got nothing from him this night except the possibility of me leaving because he's not H. with me.

The next night after little one was asleep... (it's hard to get through things like this when the only time you can talk is at night!!) I promised I wouldn't get mad if he just told me what happened. So he finally admitted he met some girl and completely cheated on me 2 nights in a row. He says he hasn't been H. with our intimacy in a very long time, which he has voiced in the past, but I really haven't trusted him in a very long time, because I've caught him in lies before. He swears up and down he's never cheated before this. Clearly we have problems. But he wanted to try and make it work between us.

The next day when he came home from work, he wanted to separate... but I kind of talked him out of it because I'm not ready to change my life and my daughters life in such a drastic way. I told him that if he promises to always be honest and tell me everything, I can try and let go of my mistrust... but am I doing the right thing? How do you rebuild trust? How do you stop remembering what he did? He wants to make it work with me as long as things get better and he doesn't want it to take forever. I love him, but really not the same way I used to and what he did really didn't make things better.

BTW, he says he doesn't want to go to counseling... just wants to fix things on our own. What do I do?

What can I do next?

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So What Happened?

Thank you for all your advice! I read each and every one. I find sense in each one, except the one about being ok with being a doormat. I just feel kinda lost right now. I'm terrified of splitting because it's not the life I wanted for my daughter. I don't want to share my time with her. I don't want her to have to deal with any of his future girlfriends or wives. I don't want to screw her life up. BUT, I don't want to screw her life up by staying either. I keep telling myself I have to set the best example for her because no one else will. If it was just me, I would be gone in a heartbeat. If I leave, I would have to move 450 miles away to be with family.

From all your posts, I see that I should not be taking the blame. He's voiced his unhappiness with our intimacy in the past, I've offered suggestions to make it better, but nothing ever changes. We flat out just don't connect. Since I was pregnant, we've slept in separate rooms- only because he's got sleep apnea, and between not sleeping from being pregnant and then with an infant and then having him snore me out of bed, he took to our office on an air mattress... yes, he's been sleeping on an air mattress for 3 years. We don't have any together time. I've asked for it... but it never comes. He's either out with friends or just sitting on the couch gaming.-- more often than not, out with friends. (at least that's what I know.)

He's going out of town for work, again, on Sunday and my mom is coming in his absence. I think this will be a good time to gain a little focus, and figure out my next step. Thanks for all your encouragement. I have found much value in this web site and all the Mom power here.--
Also, I get it, I need counseling.. even for just myself. Just have to figure out where to do it.. here or with my family.
Thanks Mommas!

Featured Answers

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T.V.

answers from San Francisco on

H. M????

Get tested for STDs....you are married to a liar who probably wants to lay all the blame for "HIS" unhappyness on "YOU".....that's not right unless you haven't told us the whole story.

If you both want to fix things, that might work without outside help, but it sounds like he wants to call all the game rules.....that would be NO.

You love him....the question to him....does he still love YOU? Does he want to save the marriage? If so what is he willing to do to save the marriage and family?

The question to you is.....What do you mean by "not in the same way"? AND....When did you stop loving him in the way you did when you married and why did things change"?

Blessings......

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F.O.

answers from Los Angeles on

QUOTING YOU: He wants to make it work with me as long as things get better and he doesn't want it to take forever. I love him, but really not the same way I used to and what he did really didn't make things better.

****The issue is intimacy. If he's not H. in that area you've got a huge problem to tackle. That is not something to conquer with words and no action.

***********Also you say you don't love him the same way anymore so re-evaluate why you are holding on and why you talked him out of separating, something that has been lingering in his mind. Not good.

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J.K.

answers from Phoenix on

I'd go to counseling even if he doesn't want to. You need help sorting this all out. I think you can work through this. Good luck!

2 moms found this helpful

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L.C.

answers from Dover on

So let me make sure I understand you right. I want you to read this and see if it sounds as unfair to you as it does to me.

He cheated on you and completely broke faith. He's not H., and he's told you and so, given the opportunity, he stepped out on his promises. You found out two days ago, so this is brand spanking new. He will graciously stay....as long as YOU can promise things will get better and YOU can let go of your mistrust. The mistrust you have because he....wait for it....broke the trust! A week ago! Which you found out 2 days ago!

Does that sound at all reasonable? How is it that he messed up but you got the ultimatum?? Do you see how he has managed in 48 hours to turn this whole thing around and make fixing it your responsibility? He sounds completely remorseless and even if you were to say that he says he's sorry everything else about this post and his actions says that he's not. How do you rebuild trust? Well, it starts with him acknowledging his wrong and being TRULY sorry and saying he will do whatever it takes and what as long it takes for you to get to a place of forgiveness. How do you stop remembering what he did? Well, after two days you don't! That comes with a rebuilding of your marriage and with a change of heart on his part.

You have to do what is best for you, but this man sounds like he doesn't value you at all. He won't even let you have your own hurt feelings about the disastrous mistake the HE made. You may have made mistakes in your marriage and there may be things that you could do better, but YOU stayed in the marriage, he's the one that strayed and nothing you could have done makes that OK.

You need to see a counselor even if he doesn't want to go with you because no matter what decisions you make, but especially if you stay, you are going to need someone to work through this with and he has made it clear he doesn't want it to be him.

I am so, so very sorry that this has happened to you! What heartbreaking news. You will be in my prayers that you have the strength to make the best decisions for you and your daughter and that your heart heals.

L.

20 moms found this helpful

C.B.

answers from Kansas City on

first off i have to say i am SO sorry this happened to you - and that it happened to me too. i know the heartbreak you are going through. my husband was working out of state at the time. supposedly it was also a "one time" brief thing. i have to say that as well meaning as all the other advice you have gotten is, this is kind of one of those things that you don't understand until it happens to you. we all want to say that if we ever got cheated on, that would be a deal breaker. it isn't always. and you're not weak or stupid for wanting to try to make it work.

what strikes me is that your husband has mentioned being dissatisfied before, you have had trust issues before, and when this blew up in his face, he said he wanted to separate. the difference (i feel) in my situation was, my husband never once wavered in his stance that he would do anything to get me back, that the last thing he wanted was to separate. i kind of feel like your husband has checked out of this relationship, has flat out told you he wants out, but you are fighting tooth and nail to keep the marriage together. that's great in theory, but it ONLY works if he is truly 100% committed to making it work too. do you think he is? or do you think he's giving in because it's easier than leaving? i hate to say it but i feel like he's just paying lip service to "wanting" to stay - he doesn't even want counselling? to me if he was truly interested in staying in the marriage and committing to fixing it, he'd agree to counselling. mine did. i can't say even then that it was "easy", but you know, 10 years later i would say we are past it. i can't see how you can get past it if his heart isn't in it.

if it was me i would start organizing things so that "if" something else happens, you are ready. (i don't mean if he cheats again - i mean if he doesn't commit to changing and working on it on his end - because it will take BOTH of you) separating and leaving is SCARY. but he is basically telling you he doesn't want to be married to you...i almost feel like there is maybe some denial going on. hang in there honey. you will be able to handle whatever happens. i promise.

9 moms found this helpful

G.T.

answers from Redding on

You need to go to counseling so they can help you deal with this.
He wants you to have a victim mentality so he can keep you and still cheat.
The longer you hang out with him in the poor repair of your relationship the less you will value yourself and he's still going to be out having fun.
Stop.
When a man cheats and gets caught or finally decides to confess, he has to be so sad and remorseful about what's happened that he will DO ANYTHING to gain your trust back. Your husband has not reached that point yet, he just wants YOU to get over it.
You need to separate so you can both decide whether or not you can live without each other.
When he sees how expensive its going to be to take care of you and your child and maintain another household for himself, that might snap him back into reality. Christmas is coming too..... it's a good time to be away from him so he can "miss" your normal traditions.
If he cant get on hands and knees and apologize to you, he's not finished being a selfish cheater.
He wants his cake and to eat it to. How dare a man leave messages on his phone like that. They want to get caught I think, but don't want to deal with what happens after the fact.
I'm sorry that you are going through this. If you both truly love each other you can work it out, it's just not easy and definitely not something that happens overnight.
Once you get your own self esteem back you won't put up with such nonsense. You are way more worthy and so is your child. Remember that.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After reading Jo W's post I realized she too is very correct in her thinking. MOST (but not all) adultery is born out of feeling neglected. This devotional was in my box this morning. It is worthy of reading:

Mutual Submission

And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. —Ephesians 5:21

Sometimes people get offended because the Bible says that wives are to submit to their husbands (see Ephesians 5:22). They say they don’t like this because it is chauvinistic, and they will not submit to anyone. But here is the problem. That very attitude says to me that such a person will have problems in marriage.

First, let me give you the big picture: before a word is said in the Bible about wives submitting to their husbands or husbands loving their wives as Christ loves the church (which is no small feat, by the way), it says that we should submit ourselves to one another in the fear of God (see Ephesians 5:21).

So let’s not get upset about the fact that the Bible tells wives to submit to their husbands. Let’s remember the Bible also says that we are to submit to one another. And let’s understand the meaning of the actual word as it is being used. It is a military term that means “to rank beneath.” That doesn’t mean a husband is abdicating his responsibility of leadership in the home; it simply means that a husband is helping his wife to bear her burdens. It also means that a wife is doing the same for her husband.

How different marriages would be today if a husband and wife both entered into their marriage by asking themselves, How can I meet my spouse’s needs? How can I fulfill my spouse? I believe it would make all the difference in the world.

Instead, so many couples startout their marriage with an attitude that says, “I won’t do this, and you need to. . . .” But that is not the way marriage works. We are to submit to one another in the fear of God.

Summary sentence: Do you have trouble submitting to your spouse? Find out God’s heart on the matter.

9 moms found this helpful

T.N.

answers from Albany on

Hi H., only one thing to add. Your recovery process (or lack thereof) is a deeply personal thing. Please don't feel like you're WRONG for what you feel when you find out other women would feel differently. What YOU choose to do, is the right thing for YOU.

It's very new, and very raw for you. You WILL however gather the strength and eventually do what YOU feel is the best thing for your family.

Peace to you.

:)

8 moms found this helpful

M.D.

answers from Washington DC on

Okay, your husband is not the devil and neither are you. He made a HUGE mistake and obviously right now he doesn't see what he has in you. My husband cheated on me years ago (before we were married and I found out after) and it honestly has taken me to this point, 7 years later, where I don't feel pulled to check his cell phone, email, facebook, etc. For a long time I would even take his keys and search his truck when he was sleeping. It was unhealthy for me and him - but he did it. It was HIS fault, not mine. He never made me feel like it was mine. But for it to work, HE had to want the marriage just as bad as I did. Counseling is what put us on the right path. I don't see how you can get past what he did if you don't do counseling. If he won't go, go on your own. YOU are not to blame for his actions. Nothing excuses cheating, nothing. I'd suggest a couple of things. You need to get to the point where you would be okay to do it on your own, be a single mom. Once you are there, you will know if you are with him because you WANT to or because you NEED to. Right now you need him because you're scared. I never want to need my husband again. I want him - even when he's a dip, I still want him. Second, figure out what he does for you. Take out the bad stuff and what kind of guy do you have? When my husband said that to me I think it's when the tables turned and I could start looking past it. He knew what kind of a woman he had in me and that is why he worked so hard to make things better...and if I didn't know what I had in him, then there was no point. Sure, he messes up still. Every blue moon I'll check his phone. I still don't like him going out, but that's my WANT for him to be with me more (aside from work, school, kids, etc.) So there will always be a small level of distrust in my mind because I don't think you can ever regain it fully...but if my husband is lying to me it's easy to tell. You'll get to the point where you know if he is lying or being honest. Do what works for you - but do NOT stay because you have a child together. That is not reason to stay. Stay with him if you want to, and if he wants to. And please, don't let him run this show. My husband finally got it when I broke down on him one day and told him it was his fault and he did this to us, he broke us, not me. And when I said those words he understood where I was coming from. Please, please, please do not let him blame you though. That makes someone who looks like a man anything but!

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M.S.

answers from Washington DC on

What advice would you give your daughter if she happened to be in the same situation in the future?

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J.W.

answers from Houston on

I agree with some of the other Moms. I do not believe he is sorry for his actions, just sorry he got caught. There will be a next time and this probably was not the first. He just got careless. In the future he will be more careful.

He has turned this whole thing around as if it was your fault. If he was not H. he should have said something so you two could work on it. He chose to cheat on you and your family. Now he is putting restrictions on how you are suppose to get better? What gives him that right? He screwed up! Aparently you are suppose to forget it ever happened as a convenience for him.

He does not want counseling because he does not want to face what he has done and accept responsibility. He is avoiding taking inventory of himself and putting the blame on you. Sadly, he does not seem to care about your feelings. He just wants his status quo back so he can do what ever he wants!

It is possible to get over this but not without your husband being transparent with you for as long as it takes. Maybe even more important he must be honest with himself and accept responsibility. It does not seem he is willing to do that right now. I hope he gets there soon.

Take care of yourself and your children. Open a seperate bank account and see what your rights are.

The other women needs to know if he cheats with you he will cheat on you!

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W.T.

answers from Jacksonville on

"He wants to make it work with me as long as things get better and he doesn't want it to take forever." He's blaming you and making you change to fix the relationship. Unacceptable! Find your pride and know that you deserve better. Make a plan and move on, honey. Don't accept the blame for this and don't be afraid to leave. Life as a single mother will be so very hard but so will life with a man lacking respect for you.

Think long term. How do you see him in 10 years, 15 years? Will he still be blaming you for not trusting and not being intimate? Will he have earned your trust? Will he cheat again? Are you going to be sneaking peeks at his cell phone in 15 years, waiting, waiting, for him to break your heart again?

I have never been in your situation so I'm not bitter. I also have children and know how difficult it would be to leave. For me, it's about long term results. If his conversation with you had been remorseful, pleading, apologetic...if you knew in your heart that this was the first and only time he'd cheated...it would be worth a try to make it work but that doesn't seem to be the case.

Good luck to you and I hope you find peace and happiness!

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B.C.

answers from Tampa on

Your post has touched my heart very deeply. Nobody knows what they would do, unless they are in your shoes. There is no right or wrong answer, you will do what works for you and for your family. This is extremely heartbreaking, I hope things will work out for you and for your family. You need to reach out to a support group, trustworthy friend or a family member.

Obviously you had a suspicious going through his phone, woman's
intuition. For him not having interest in counseling, is not a good sign.

6 moms found this helpful

J.F.

answers from Cleveland on

Are you KIDDING ME? HE has lied and cheated and from your letter it sounds as if he's pinning the blame for this on you and how you are and wants YOU to change!? I am sorry but he is the one who needs to spend all of his time now proving his trustworthiness, whatever he needs to do to gain your trust. You are NOT in the wrong for your mistrust, he caused that. Bottom line is there is NO EXCUSE for what he did regardless of anything you felt and/or did or did not do in your marriage.

Hold yourself up high and don't let him treat you this way, you deserve better.

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S.B.

answers from Redding on

Well, marriages can survive affairs if both people are willing to get to the root of the issue.
It's not your fault he cheated, but there is a reason.
My husband (ex) denies it, but I know he cheated on me. He knows I know. I had proof. I also know, after quite a bit of counseling, that it was because he was seriously insecure and a beautiful wife and kids weren't enough to fulfill him because NOTHING could fulfill him.
The part of your story that concerns me is that your husband said he wanted to separate and you talked him out of it.
I'm all for saving a marriage, but he doesn't want counseling.
I fear, and I hope I'm wrong, that you will stay in a marriage that he maybe wants out of so as not to rock the boat.

I hope you can work this out. I really do. It will only work if you both confront and address the issues that led up to this so you can change things together for the better.

My heart goes out to you.

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Y.Y.

answers from New York on

first thing.. if you hadnt caught him he wouldnt admit his mistakes.. he just couldnt deny it coz you found the evidence.. he knows you want to make the marriage work badly and you cant afford to lose him thats why he is taking advantage of it. he's saying he is psyching you up..

he is not even sorry for what he did.. and mind you he is blaming you for his mistakes.. im sorry but from the looks of it.. your relationship with him is kinda abusive.. maybe not physically but emotionally...

try to analyze things better.. do not consider what he wants but what you think is right and what you think will be better not only for your kid but for you as well...

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S.B.

answers from Houston on

Oh wow! I'm so sorry you are going through this. You need to take care of you and your daughter. First, go to the doctor and get checked. Make sure you don't have any STD's. Next, check your finances. See where the money is and where it is going. I would also open up a checking account in your name only and put money in there. You need to be protected financially. After that, see an attorney. Find out what your legal rights are. I would also see if you can't get a copy of the racy texts. You might need them in Court. Then, schedule counseling. For you and as a couple.

I would sit him down and explain how this is going to work. Counseling in non-negotiable. This is going to take as long as it takes for you to trust him again. He is the one who took it out of his pants for someone else. It doesn't matter what you did or didn't do, if he wasn't H. he should have left. End of story. I would also tell him your are working on YOUR time line not his. Again, he was the unfaithful one. He should be asking for your forgiveness. Seems to me he isn't all that sorry. I just think he is sorry he got caught!

Trust is the most powerful thing in a marriage and once it is broken I would have a very hard time getting it back. Especially when he is behaving like your husband is. Doesn't want this to take too long. Wow. I would have slapped my husband right in the face for that comment alone! But I'm a stinker at times. My moto is "don't get mad, get even"!

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P.O.

answers from Tampa on

I'd be saving up money in a personal account ASAP. How CAN you trust someone again after lies, betrayal and cheating? I don't know... I don't think I could trust them again and I know I'd always be thinking about what they did.

He wasn't forced to cheat because he was unhappy with the intimacy... he CHOSE to cheat. You have a history of catching him in lies or withholding information and don't trust him anyways - this was just the icing on the cake.

You need to decide what you are willing to live with... and working this out on your own will NOT be helpful. You both will need a lot of professional help with counselling.

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M.L.

answers from Houston on

He has no remorse and he doesn't want to go to counseling or to really prove to you that he has changed, and he wants to seperate but you talked him out of it... for now. And, he is blaming you for his poor choices and cheating. He will stay so long as you are the one to make changes. Hmmmm... I would not stand for that behavior. You can forgive, but you cannot trust or completely forget the deed for a man who is not willing to sacrifice his pride to make things work and rectify the situation, to beg on his knees for your forgiveness and that he will do anything, including counseling to make it work. I would say, "good riddance", with an understanding that if he agrees on counseling on making it work, then perhaps the marriage can be saved and you can work on things together. Your daughter doesn't need to be taught that a wife deserves that kind of treatment anyways. She may be young, but she will find out eventually what he did. Things like that don't stay buried.

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L.S.

answers from San Francisco on

Your responses are a lot like mine when I learned my ex was cheating. It is very difficult when you have children, because we want so much to protect them from separation and divorce. But the reality is, your husband is not showing any sincere desire to change.
The book that helped me the most was Love Must Be Tough by Dr. Dobson. It is a classic written for people in just your situation. The concepts in it can really help to build your confidence as you go through this. I also recommend getting a strong support group of people who have survived this type of thing. It's really hard to go through it alone.
Hugs and prayers,
L.

5 moms found this helpful

J.S.

answers from Jacksonville on

Completely disagree with the person who says lay down and take it. What are you teaching your daughter? That it's ok to be a door mat? I know that she isn't aware of any of this right now, so the decision is much harder. But, what if he continues to treat you like this when she gets older and DOES start to get it? It's one thing to stick around when you are just not satisfied in the marriage, completely another to stay when the other person is putting you through emotional hell, like your husband is.

I think what you need to do is be completely honest with yourself. Can you ever be H. with him again? Because if the answer is no, then you really need to start thinking about getting out. That unhappiness...it just creeps into everything, and that is not a good place for your daughter to be. I am truly sorry all of this is happening to you, and I hope that whatever you choose, nothing but the best happens for you.

4 moms found this helpful

J.L.

answers from Lexington on

Im so sorry, I really am. Honestly, with him being the decietful one, YOU should be deciding on whether or not you guys should go to counseling and YOU should be making all the shots. You need to do whatever it takes to help you regain your trust in him, if it is your decision to remain in the marriage. If he truly wants to make it work, he will do everything that you ask and work with you as much as it takes and as long as it takes. He's the one that needs to prove himself to you, not the other way around. Also, I agree with Stacy in that you open a checking account strictly for you and your daughter, just to be prepared for any situation. The last thing you need to worry about is money. I pray that you find the strength you need <3

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M.M.

answers from Chicago on

Girl, you've lost so much ground....I am so sorry. It looks to me like your husband doesn't care but you do. I would advise you to get your hands on all the money you can and all the accounts you know and get ready. If you are not leaving him, I think he is getting ready to leave you. Play dumb and pretend you want to work on this marriage for a time you need to get ready. You will have time to grieve later. Relationships work only if 2 people want them to work.

Your hubby sounds like he checked out already. After 2 nights with some stranger? That's pretty bad. It shows how far gone he is.

I think if you will get serious about leaving and he realizes his financial loses and the fact that he will need to actually play daddy for the little one on full time basis on his visitation days he will bag you to stay. My advise - do not look back! You'll lose more. Keep walking.... keep walking and carry with you as much as you can get your hands on.

Good luck. I'll pray for you.

4 moms found this helpful

H.S.

answers from Cincinnati on

I am sorry you are having to deal with this. You have some great answers. I will just add my own opinions. Unfortunately, it probably was not the first time. A man who will do that once, will do it more and more. You said you caught him in lies before, he's probably cheated before. Don't do this to yourself. Don't lay down to bed at night and wonder what he is up to. This will make for a very painful long drawn out process. He came to you with a request to separate, and that is the clear answer. I could never beg someone to stay with me after they have told me they want to go. Again, don't do that to yourself. Let him go. Your daughter will be proud of you. What's a father that will cheat on her mother? For me, it would be a deal breaker.

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P.B.

answers from Spartanburg on

What do you do? Who knows? Each of us is different, some women "need" their husbands and will never do without, no matter what. Some other will give them the boot no matter how hard it is going to be going through the divorce etc.. (I am one of them). Other women just don't want to break the family (or take the blame for it), so they stay. For me, I had no choice, because I could never EVER be touched by him again, my disgust for his action against me, our son, our family, our lifelong plan was so intense, i really never questioned wether or not I should have forgiven him. If you don't feel ready to make decisions, don't. From the look of things, your husband isn't going to make them either (if he wanted to change things he would have asked for a divorce from you before getting caught). Men want their cake and eat it too, they are selfish creatures, that's why they don't carry pregnancy. But their nature does NOT justify their actions. Good luck, you have a tough road ahead, just never lose respect for yourself, when the kids are grown, they leave, and you'll be stuck with the man. Make sure he is what you realy want for yourself.

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D.P.

answers from Pittsburgh on

Amy J. makes 4 very valid points.

I think what he's really after is for you to "get used to" what happened.

If you accept this so easily, why in the world wouldn't he seek a repeat performance?

I love the aspect of this--the husband who damages the marriage, acts in such a way as to cause dissolution of the marriage--yet he
can make this work" on his own? I'm thinking not.

I'm sorry you're gong through this. You have your daughter to think of. Be the role model you'd like her to have is my only advice.

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J.S.

answers from Hartford on

He cheated on you but is angry with YOU and wants to fix YOU? He placed the blame of his cheating on YOU because he's not H. with the intimacy in your marriage? Or did you mean he's not H. with the frequency of intimacy in your marriage?

You shouldn't be the one bargaining to keep him in the marriage. You're the one with the power and you're letting it all go by giving it to a man who's throwing it back in your face. He's not sorry. He got caught and there aren't any consequences. He doesn't even have to work at fixing his marriage. Because hey, it's not his fault.

Do you realize that he managed to emotionally manipulate you into not throwing him out of the house and separating? Do you realize that he manipulated you into not "rocking the boat" and demanding marriage counseling? Do you realize that he manipulated you into believing that you shoulder the blame for his actions?

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K.B.

answers from Tulsa on

YOU go to counseling. YOU NEED AND DESERVE SUPPORT.
He is afraid to go because he won't be able to food a professional.
Please don't make more babies with him. Use birth control. My M. stupidly tried to lure my dad to stay home by having a second kid and he flat out left.

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B.C.

answers from Dallas on

OMGod!, I hope that NEVER have to go through that nighmare! Honestly, I'd separate at least to different rooms if nothing else! Personally, I couldn't hadle it if he were to be there. HE is the one that messed up. NOT you! You didn't cheat! HE did! HE needs to stand ownership of this and let you handle it like you choose. He's placing blame on you. NOT ok. You didn't cheat. He did. Not only on you, but on your whole family. Don't let him try to place blame anywhere but on himself.

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J.L.

answers from Chicago on

How awful you are going through this...I am sorry though by your post you sound desparate to keep him around...He sounds to me like a snake who won't take responsibility for his actions and has put the blame on you. I don't know why you'd like to continue to live like this. If he doesn't want to go to counseling that is a HUGE RED FLAG...It means he doesn't want to admit to his mistakes. What a creep...Sorry. I feel for you but for the sake of your mental health and the example you are setting for your daughters seek counseling yourself if he won't and get clarity on where you want your future to be and with whom.

BTW - One last point..I know it takes two to Tango...and both partners usually contribute to problems in the marriage....BUT WHEN SOMEONE CHEATS its' their 100% fault not the other person! If you reach that point that you want to stray be an adult and address the issue i.e. counseling, separation, divorce, etc....

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G.S.

answers from New York on

I would leave him. Sorry, just being straight with you. If you're not intimate with each other, I don't think you'll ever be. Something is bugging you about him. Something is holding you back. Are you truly in love with him, or think you are? I know you have your child to worry about, but what if another one comes along the way and oops, he does it again? Move near your family if you can. You'll need some kind of support system. Go see a lawyer to be prepared, and definitely get a seperate bank account a.s.a.p. All in secrecy. I know this sounds nutty, but you have to protect yourself and your child first.

Wish you well with whatever choice you make.

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L.W.

answers from Dallas on

I'm soo sorry that you are dealing with this. My ex cheated on me throughout our marriage and always accused me of being the one. He has since been married 5 times and every marriage failed because of his cheating. So my thoughts unfortunately are more times than not is that once a cheater always a cheater. You need to be a role model to your daughter. Show her that you value yourself too much to put up with this. That you do not need someone in order to be H.. Think about it like this, what would you want your daughter to do if she was in this situation? Staying together for the sake of the child is never a good idea. A child needs to be brought up in a H. stable home. If that means her parents have to be seperated then so be it. You're in shock right now. Get yourself into counseling. Do what is right for you and your daughter. He's just making excuses and passing the blame to justify his actions. Show him you mean business because if you don't, he'll just do it again. Good luck!

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M.M.

answers from Lake Charles on

First off he doesn't sound sorry at all and you had to talk HIM into staying? And his condition is if things get fixed fast? Sorry to sound harsh if I do but that doesn't sound like it's going to work. He refuses counseling and he's making it sound like it's your fault he cheated? No ma'am. If he cheated once, had no consequences from it except you trying to fix things why on earth would he not do it again? And he has no motivation to "always be honest and tell you everything" you're letting him basically call all the shots and you did nothing wrong. At the very least YOU need to go to counseling and get some clarity before you make any decisions.

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M.R.

answers from Dallas on

I am SO sorry your going thru this it has to royally suck.
I don't know how you did not attempt to beat the living snot out of him right then and there.

IMHO because of how you said he is acting I believe he will do it again and again . I KNOW a man like this! He says that because his wife has no sex drive (and he knew this before he married her) he felt he had the right to cheat on her. They are now getting a divorce.

If you decided to try and get past this, he definitly needs to know that YOU are NOT the one that screwed up! HE is and he does not get to make any kind of timeline one when you are going to get over this!

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J.L.

answers from Minneapolis on

It doesn't sound good. Get into counseling by yourself, you don't need him to be there with you. In the interim, get your ducks in a row on the QT in case he takes off on you unexpectedly. You wouldn't want to be left in a lurch with your daughter. This isn't to say he won't work on things with you, but obviously a lot has been going on for a long time under the radar. He says he just met her, but chances are that isn't true. Now that he's been confronted, there is no way to know if he'll just totally go with this other person or stick around. The fact he doesn't want to do counseling isn't good, so because of that I'd suggest you prepare financially for the possibility that he may leave so you won't be left scrambling.

You also might want to see your OB for an exam. As horrible as this sounds, the person he met in Vegas may not be a girlfriend, but an escort he had a tryst with for just the week. Which in many ways is far worse than having an affair. In his mind, he might believe he's not having an affair because he's choosing to meet escorts he has no emotional relationships with. If this is his MO, he's possibly dealing with sex addiction and that is a whole far more complicated ball of wax, than a man who is having an "affair" with another woman.

It's still cheating, no matter what some men say and think these days, and very dangerous behavior for your health and his. For your best interest, don't hesitate to go get checked. He needs counseling, and so do you. But it might be more about psychological problems on his part than him actually being bored with your or the relationship. His meeting some woman in Vegas is a good hint that this may be what's going on. He may or may not recover. It sounds like he may have had this "problem" and be doing things about it for a long time. It will be up to you to decide how much you want to invest in trying to help the both of you over come the fall out from this.

Don't wait to start counseling. This will help you better assess your situation and find ways to work on the relationship and/or know what the next step should be.

If you're a spiritual person, this would be a good time to find support and guidance from a spiritual leader you trust. This too can help you sort things out in the best way possible.

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M.A.

answers from Detroit on

Do you want your daughter to see what her father is doing to her mother, and repeat his behavior? Children are very smart and see through all the lies.

Sounds like he will eventually leave no matter what you say or do. Better now, then later.

You can never trust him, as he has and will continue to cheat. If you continue to live in this situation and he continues to cheat on you, your daughter will have to deal with all the other girlfriends no matter what. What if he brings home a STD or has another child?!!!

The life you wanted is in your hands now; you will have to pick yourself up and out the door into the new world and create the life you wanted for you and your child.

You will not "screw her life up" by separating or getting a divorce. This will make you and her stronger. You and daughter deserve better.

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C.M.

answers from Washington DC on

honestly, if I were you, I'd leave. Of course he wants to fix it himself and make it fast because he wants you to forget all about it and pretend that everything will go back to normal. I have never been in this situation, but some of my friends have and they have put me in the middle before also. I really don't think you can ever fully trust him again. I don't think that it just goes away. He is embaressed and that's why he doesn't want to go to counseling becuase that will mean that he is wrong. YOU did nothing wrong. He is the liar and cheater. I do believe that once a cheater, always a cheater. It might be hard on your daughter to leave him, but in the long run, it will be better for her because she will not grow up thinking it's ok for a guy to cheat on his wife and come home and pretend everything is ok. She will see that just believe that that's how its supposed to be

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L.L.

answers from Rochester on

You won't ever forget it...but you can forgive it.

Even if that means you have to be a doormat and let him put the blame on you, as he seems to be doing..."I'll stay if YOU can change, and don't take too long, and I don't have to work at it...it's all you."

It's the worst situation to be in, but if I were you, I'd lay down and take it because I don't want to upset my children's lives that way. If the two of you can work it out, great. If you can find some mutual way to live together for the sake of your children, that's great too.

But be prepared, because it sounds like he isn't willing to do anything to make it better and sounds like he has no remorse. I am so sorry you are going through this, I really am... :(

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M.W.

answers from San Francisco on

I am so sorry you are going through this. It is sounding bleak to me. You have had problems in the past with trust. He has voiced in the past his disappointment with your intimacy together. I can't really see this getting better and not taking forever. This Vegas shenanigan has catapulted you into a tailspin of intense distrust or desire to want to be intimate.

I have full faith in a couple finding happiness together again...but both parties have to be on board for anything and everything it will take to make that happen. He does not seem to be jumping on board wilingly...in fact he is trying to withdraw by separating. He wants out!

If he wants to stay and work it out without a therapist's help, then ask him 3 things he needs from you to improve on. You then tell him 3 things you need from him to improve on...and start working on those things. Before sex with him you tell him you will get checked by your doctor for STD's. And..about the sex. Sweetie...I know you are upset and angry and have walls up. But..sex is very important for nurturing a marriage. You have got to work on your intimacy with him or I really think your marriage can not survive.

I am sooo sorry...you have a little one. First steps... I would go get checked for STD's by your doctor and talk to a lawyer. Do you have a church you could get some guidance from...support?

Good luck and best wishes!

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F.H.

answers from Phoenix on

Oh girl, I'm sorry you are going thru this, almost the extact same thing happened to me. Mine too said he wanted to make it work but instead he kept going in chat rooms and texting women. I realized I could never trust him again and he was not the man I wanted as my life partner nor the daily example and influence I wanted for our kids. I did not take my divorce lightly nor would I suggest one lightly to someone else. However, I am with someone I completely trust and takes great care of me and our kids. Life is too short to waste it being unhappy. I hope you figure out what you need to do. Best wishes to you and your family.

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J.L.

answers from San Diego on

Good morning H. M, This is not a good site to go on with this type of question because there is such of aray of opinions, you can't make a decision based on anyones opinion or their experience, I went through this years ago with my husband, it happened in a different way but none the less it happened. I forgave him, and life has been good and we have now been married for 30 years our children are grown and their family is intact. If there are issues in your intamacy then get creative and spice it up, if you want some ideas then semd me a personal message and I will give you some ideas. Remember no one is perfect we all make mistakes, Don't let anyoned advice cause you to act in haste you will regret it. There are ways to get through this and keep your family in tact. J.

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M.J.

answers from Dover on

I'm with Shane B. There are relationships that can make it through this, but only if both parties are willing & want that to be the outcome. There are a lot of people in general who are just unable to be satisfied no matter what the circumstances. There's nothing you, or anyone else can do to help if that's the situation.

Decide if you want to take the blame for his misdeed & go from there. If the answer is no, then either demand counseling, go by yourself, or leave him are about your only options. If the answer is yes, you don't mind taking the blame when it's really not yours to take, then buckle up, honey, because you're in for a long, rocky ride.

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S.Y.

answers from Grand Rapids on

You need to stand up for yourself. Both of you are unhappy which means you both need to bring about change. I have been working through this over the past year and I am able to realize now how much I put up with. I want everything to work out, but I have come to realize that I need to speak up if I want anything to get better. That goes for both of you. We are not mind readers and you have to make your needs known. It is possible to work through it on your own if you are truly committed to it and are ready to open the lines of communication. You have to be able to listen to each others needs and consider how things got so bad. Remember, if you are feeling sad, mad, bad. etc. there is a problem and it needs to be addressed. You should not have to feel this way. Do not let him downplay your feelings like they are nothing. They are valid and if he really does want to work it out with you, he should want to help. Again, this goes for both of you. Marriage is hard work. Good luck :)

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L.M.

answers from New York on

The situation stinks...but in my opinion you won't be able to "forget about it". You're degrading yourself by sticking around I feel. Separate. Be civil for your daughter's sake. I'm sure you both can be. Be strong. Sorry I cannot type more right now but this is not your fault. If he really wanted to be more intimate with you, he could have. You need to know your own value. Don't settle for this.

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M.T.

answers from New York on

Honestly, I think counseling is the way to go. Problems are not automatically fixed, there isn't one thing that you can do to let go of distrust of a man who supposedly has never cheated on you before and has voiced his dissatisfaction to you. Either you love him enough to want to be married to him and he loves you enough not to cheat on you and you are willing to give one another a satisfactory sex life or not. Keep in mind that when you mature, have kids, etc. it isn't a free for all of wild sex whenever you want, and the relationship has to mature along with that - but without intimacy, the relationship is really down the toilet. Not wanting counseling makes it sound like he doesn't want to take responsibility for his actions or admit to past infidelities.

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H.L.

answers from Cleveland on

If you want any chance of remaining together, you both need to go to counseling. His willingness, or not, will speak volumes. If it's $, meet with a pastor. Many will counsel you. Attend Marriage Encounter weekends. Your reasons for staying together are all excellent reasons, as those are all issues you would have to deal with. It's also a financial nightmare. You can rebuild your marriage, but you will need help from a neutral third party. You will both need to take steps to improve your marriage and connect. You will need to work on intimacy (get a sitter) as will he (no more outings with friends).

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J.C.

answers from Anchorage on

after my husband cheated we fixed things, but it does not sound like your husband wants to. In order to fix this it takes counseling and him letting you lead the way, not him saying it can't take too long. If he is not willing to get help and get at the heart of why he cheated (which has nothing to do with you or how often you have sex), than he will just do it again.

If he refused help and you decide to separate, you do not have to leave the house. Get a lawyer ASAP and protect your rights and what is rightfully yours.

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K.C.

answers from Dallas on

Here's my opinion really quick. Sit down by yourself and figure out what your boundaries are for yourself. Meaning where is the line for you?
Every bodies tolerance is different and boundaries. What I would do in this situation is not the same as what you or problem anyone else would do. My suggestion also is to look within yourself and realize it takes 2 to be in a marriage, regardless of who did what...we as humans have a choice as to how we react to things. If he was unhappy, then how he reacted to being unhappy because of what ever in your marriage is his choice not yours. However, same goes for your as well.
The old saying goes: There's no "I" in team...and that's exactly what a marriage is.
Good Luck...hope my rambling made sense!!

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J.W.

answers from Lansing on

Honestly, it doesn't sound like he plans on being faithful in the future. If he wanted to separate and you had to talk him out of it, maybe it's because he plans on doing this again. You don't have to share your husband for the sake of your child. You will have built up anger and resentment and could take it out on your daughter which is not good for her either. He should be willing to do anything at all costs to help better your marriage, which includes counseling. I don't think he sounds serious about making it work. I hope whatever decision you make, it's the right one for you and your daughter.

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L.M.

answers from Philadelphia on

I've been in the same situation, twice with the same man. The first time I was pregnant with our son, who just turned 5, it was with a younger "girl", I was devistated. He "said he was sorry" we reconciled, so I thought. He didn't want counseling. I didn't press it.
Fast forward 3 years, This time with a woman( whos now in the process of a divorce after a year with MY HUSBAND), 14 years older than him, He at first was sorry, but it still hasn't ended and it's still going on 1 1/2 years later, he kept going back & forth between working on us "because he does still ""have Love"" for me. I call him Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde, some days hes sweet & caring wanting to do things together. Always kissing & hugging me. When he climbs into bed he'll put his arms around me & tell me he loves me, other times he's the complete opposite, I'm worthless, a stupid idiot. But I still bend over backwards for him? But the other woman is still in the picture. A couple of months ago he said we could go to counseling. We are currently in a bad financial situation, barely making ends meet, he commutes for work & he doesn't get reimbursed,but he charges gifts & dates with her. Our son needs new sneakers??? I don't know. what to do. I just feel lost and defeated. I have no where to go, can't afford an apt for my son & I. So I understand your situation.

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D.B.

answers from Charlotte on

.

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C.B.

answers from Dallas on

I have been in this situation before, I was with my Highschool sweet heart for 8 years married for 4 years, and have 2 children, and I caught him in alot of lies and was stupid to stay and try and work things out, i found out he ended up cheating alot and did the whole meeting girls off line ect, and I am happily divorced now and it was a hard choice to make for the sake of my children I didnt know how they would feel but i rather come from a broke home then keep my kids ina broken home. Your Husband is already cheated and doesnt want to go to counsling he's already has it set in his mind that things arent going to work out, and if you feel different then act on how you feel if you got to 2nd guess things alot and you cant look at him the same then maybe the best thing to do is to get counsnsling for you and your daughter. and to leave the marriage. When I was with my ex husband it was hard to not think about what he was doing and once you lose trust and communication your relationship is set up for failure. Im sorry your going through this I know exactly how you feel especially when you find out for the 1st time. But i am H. with some one else and who treats my kids like they are his own and i should have left along time ago. Im H. i made the choice to stand up for my self and take control of my life back and do what made me H.. I wish you the best of luck in what ever you choose. Only you know what you want to do. I wish you the best.

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D.H.

answers from Philadelphia on

My heart goes out to you and your daughter. I've been going thru a divorce with my 3 year old daughter for 18 months now. I am currently dealing with the slut he cheated on me with and that she wants to be a part of my daughters life. it's worse than death i swear, and that's how i feel about the last 18 months total - it's worse than death bc you get to mourn and move on but with divorce he has to be in your life forever. We tried counseling and even dated each other but his slut kept convincing him she was a better choice. If your husband really TRIES to fix things and you are 100% willing to let him then go for it. The hardest thing I am dealing with is being able to HONESTLY tell my daughter one day that we both TRIED and didn't give up without a fight. I've been fighting FOR my husband for the last 10 exhausting months and i've been fighting alone. I feel like he failed my daughter and I. The one thing I will say as well - well two things - ONE - the biggest mistake i made was kicking him out long term - i made him move out for 3 months. i wanted him to feel the pain of what he did, but i should have let him move back in sooner. SECOND - if you two are both to hurt to allow the "fighting for each other and for your family" then it's too soon. John did want to fight for me but it was toooooooo soon. i was so hurt and blinded by the pain. My heart goes out to you. Forgiveness is the first step and that needs to come before trust. It's his job for the rest of your marriage to make sure you never are this hurt again. I am still hurting every single day and am having an impossible time moving on. Find your inner strength and do what is BEST for you and your daughter. That is all that matters.

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