Hi. I have not really asked many questions on this site in the past but now is my time. Fellow moms...I am so aggrivated, dissapointed and maybe even a tad bit heartbroken. So, I am a divorced mom of two kids. I have met the man of my dreams. I mean...he could not be any more perfect for me and my girls. Now, he is a human being, we all make mistakes so I am not sitting here thinking that he can never do no wrong. I am not saying he is "perfect" in that regard. What I am saying is he is a wonderful man. He is great with my kids, he is so sweet and caring to me. He understand what my girls and I have been thru in my previous marriage with their dad and he is very sensitive to those issues. Anyway, here is my problem...
He is never lied to me. He always tells me that he wants me to always feel like I can come to him...be open and honest and he will always do the same. Well, he has lied. :( Basically, in my previous marriage, my daughters' dad drank ALOT. When I say alot...I mean like an 18pack of beer in 1 night. He would get mean, angry and say not so nice things (to put it lightly). Anyway, my BF is fully aware of this. My BF does drink at times and has never been disrespectful or mean to me in any way so that is not the issue. Well, lastnight, I was on the phone with him and I knew he had had a friend over for a few beers/b.s - ing together...no biggie. Well, I could kinda tell that he was slurring his words a bit and then asked me the same question (one I already answered) again, about 3 min. apart from eachother. Anyway, I made a comment and asked if he had a few shots or something with his friend....(this friend is pretty big on shots of Jack Daniels). Well, my bf's response to me was "no, I am just really tired...I am going to goto bed." Honestly, we got off the phone and I did not give it a 2nd thought. Well, this morning, out of the blue, he text me and said he "lied to me about not having shots and is very sorry". I basically asked him if I have ever given him a reason to lie to me...he said no. I asked if I have ever made him feel as though his drinking is a problem for me, he said "no, it's not you "A"...it's me" (meaning him). WHAT DO I DO WITH THIS INFORMATION????? I mean, he feels really bad. I told him that I appreciated his appology. Now, today...all I can do is wonder what else he may have lied about. I am soooooo dissapointed today. So sad... Should I just let it go? I don't understand why he would lie to me about it.
Hi. To answer a question that was asked...we have been in a relationship for 2yrs. To answer another question that was raised, yes...I was in counseling and actually did read co-dependent no more. With all that said...I still have my share of insecurities and I am VERY protective of my kids and my heart. Thank you all so far for all of your feedback...I really appreciate it! : )
** UPDATE ** Hi ladies. I would like to thank you all for all the great feedback and advice. It seems as though almost every one of you made the same (very good) point. Which was the fact that he did appologize right away the next morning. We had a talk yesterday about it (face to face as well as on the phone) and I told him how much I appreciated his honesty and appology. He seemed shocked and relieved at the same time. ((ya see, his ex wife was a very "in your face" kinda girl so I think that is what he expected)) I re-assured him that he does not ever have to lie to me. He truly beat himself up about it all day yesterday. I told him I would like to let it go and move on but that I really need him to not do that again. Anyway, thank you all again.... I know that I can be so very sensitive when it comes to certain areas that were an issue in my failed marriage. You are all great!
He told you a white lie, most likely because he was drunk and didn't want to upset you, then he felt so bad about doing it that he told you he lied. I would cut the man some slack. In my opinion, let it go, or even commend him for coming to you with the truth right after!!
He apologized. He felt bad and confessed. Sometimes men are so transparent. I would give him another chance. Tell him to please let you know if he is doing shots and that you would rather know the truth and in that, do not belittle him or nag him when he does confess. If you see that it is a problem then go after the jugular but right now I think he is sorry.
He could have said no and let it like that and then gone otu again and again.
Because he was very drunk. People who are very drunk do very dumb things. His foggy, alcohol laden brain only could think of how much you didn't like alcoholics and reacted on first impulse to hide it.
What makes him a man worthy of respect and adoration is that he remembered it and was honest with you when not smashed in the morning. This is a sign that he is an emotionally mature adult who is accepting responsibility for his mistakes.
Be ecstatic that he is capable of this and proud of him for fessing up. Keep this one. Unlike many men, he cares about the truth and knows what self respect is and when he has violated it.
Oh, and REWARD this behavior!!!! You want to encourage him to keep being honest with you when he realizes he's screwed up. Seriously, thank him and treat him to something. Set your personal fears and baggage aside (or get counseling for them) and reward this man for doing exactly what he should have done when he realized he blew it about something.
Just me and my perspective. You were married to a raving alcoholic. Have YOU ever done any work on yourself to deal with being in that position? Living with a drunk makes anyone a bit crazy. We get jittery and defensive and always looking for that tell tale sign of what mood is he in, how much has he had, etc etc etc. We live in a war zone for years then you get out of it and expect to transition to "normal" life with no help and no guidance for how to navigate normal relationships?? This isn't about him possibly lying to you to keep you from feeling bad about him having a L. too much and then being so contrite he told on himself, this is about you. Why did he feel like he needed to lie? Can you admit that any drinking can make you nervous and uptight?
Read Co-Dependant No More or get to an AL-Anon meeting before you screw up what could be a great relationship.
You don't say how long you two have been dating, however you need to listen to your inner voice here....he knows that drinking (especially drinking to excess) is/has been an issue in your lives before ~ he would/should know this is a sensitive area for you and therefore a topic of discussion for complete honesty.
Having grown up with 2 parents who were alcoholics, I would say you need to PROCEED WITH CAUTION. This seems like a big red flag in an otherwise 'perfect' relationship and it could be a deal-breaker~ especially because you have your daughters to consider.
Good luck!
Well, he told you the truth the very next day because he felt guilty about lying. That does not sound like a chronic lyer to me. It sounds like he made a mistake and owned up to it without you even asking him to. Just make sure that getting drunk is not the norm for your boyfriend.
Since bf was under the influence at the time, I don't think he was thinking clearly at the time. The most important thing is he did realize and he made a mistake and appologized for it.
Ok he may have told you a L. white lie in the past, but I seriously don't think that there are other things that he may have lied about.
Give him a break this time (we all make mistakes), but be very cautious.
Just another thought, almost everyone has a few drinks now and then, and on rare occassions has one too many. If he makes this a habit, please take precautions and protect yourself and your children.
Drinking has always been a deal breaker with me. I have never dated anyone that drank nor married anyone that drank. No good can come of drinking "too much". You are putting yourself and your 2 precious children at risk with this man. I'm sure the "man of your dreams" is out there and I bet he isn't a drinker. Good luck.
Long story short, he admitted it and is remorseful. Take it at face value and let it go. One of the other moms said it perfectly- don't make this man pay for your exes mistakes. The fact that he admitted it speaks volumes of positivity for his character. Accept his apology and move on. If it continues to happen, then that's a different story. Best wishes!
I would also forgive and forget. He obviously knows your past experience with an alcoholic and he knew he'd had a few too many. Sounds like he didn't want to disappoint you, so he made a bad decision in his altered state. Certainly doesn't mean that he's lying to you in general.
A.L.
It is wrong to make one person pay for another person’s mistakes. I also think we tend to be attracted to the same kind of personalities. You were honest with your new friend how you felt about your former husband’s drinking habits, the results it had on the family which ultimately led to divorce.
Your new boyfriend has been consealing his drinking. He’s drinking beer and hard liquor together!
Unless you are prepared for an instant replay of your last relationship (with the possible exception of being with a “happy drunk”), I would suggest you end it now or at least let your boyfriend know, that the drinking must stop if the two of you are going to make a life together. If he's willing to make the change, give it a year before you get married.
Blessings
As far as you can tell, this is the only tiem that he has lied, and he immediately apologized. Cut him some slack--no harm, no foul. Just reiterate to him how you feel about lying and move on.
I really like what Sharon E. had to say. Partnering up with an addict (or any other abusive personatlity) affects who you ARE, not just how you respond. The fact that you needed to get an outside opinion on this one means that you are hyper-sensitive to it and should make sure that you get proper healing from your previous marriage. The dynamic that is created in that type of relationship becomes very mutual, not just one-sided from the abuser.
I think the lie had to do with the fact that he was a bit tipsy and I'm sure tired. If he is not a "regular" drinker then it may not take much. The fact that in the light of day he felt he needed to be truthful to you says something about his heart, and conscious, for you. He could of just let it go and you two continue on. It is a hurt. Now see if this relationship has what it takes to move on in respect, trust, and love.
I think that you need to do some soul searching and make a decision that you can live with. Can you live with giving him another chance or kicking him to the curb? If you decide to give him another chance, be sure you are prepared to stick to the consequence if he lies again. In other words, if you tell him you are giving him another chance but if he lies again, he's gone, you need to stick with it as well you should. Good luck!
I didn't read the other responses, but I have a feeling he only lied because he was drunk. Drunk people do stupid things. The fact that he turned around and came to you with the truth the minute he was sober, tells me he can be trusted. I think we all lie from time to time. If you really feel that he has been honest with you in the, then this is probably just a simple slip-up. Tell him that you appreciate his immediate confession to the lie, but that you want to be sure he is always honest with you...that he never needs to lie again. You can handle the truth.
I hope you are able to work it out and come up with whatever works best for you and your girls.
cc
He probably lied to you because he didn't want to upset you. It's a stupid reason, and now it's created more drama than either of you needed. But given that he told you the truth, I wouldn't guess that he's hiding anything else.
I think you may be over sensitive to this just based on past drama.
I would just make sure that he knows that you're OK with what he was doing, and that there's no reason to feel like he has to hide it from you going forward.
Then let it go.
My guess...he's embarrassed you called him out on being drunk and at the time - while drunk - he made a bad choice, which was a quick reactionary no. Maybe you inadvertently used your "mom" voice on him since you already knew he was drinking or not paying enough attention since he asked the same question twice. He is a man, after all, which means he was once a boy, and if you ask most boys "Did you do X?" their immediate response is "No!" :)
I'd say the most positive thing to NOT overlook in this situation is that he voluntarily, and fairly quickly (overnight is fast in man time) came to you and said he lied and was sorry for it. To me this says that he's aware that you're sensitive to lying and to drinking. He apologized. Accept it. Remember that it happened, obviously, but I wouldn't scrutinize his intentions. Talk to him about your feelings.
He was under the influence when he lied, and we all know that being drunk makes us do things we normally would not do. He confessed very quickly, so obviously he has a sensitve conscience. I would forgive and forget.
