I Have a Hard Time with Letting My Man Have His Guy Time, I Hate It.

There is no such thing as a former alcoholic.
The fact that he lies to you about his drinking is a drinking problem.
It isn't going to get better unless he stops drinking. Period.
I know. I was married to an alcoholic who chose the bottle over his marriage.

Either he's an alcoholic which is a big issue or he's not and he doesn't like you monitoring him like a child. If my husband was so controlling about how much I drank, I'd lie too! But if I was an alcoholic, he would have reason to. And alcoholics need some sort of treatment or approach to control this. Hard to say if you're overreacting or not. Do you trust him otherwise?

A.,

I'm going to be very direct here and hope you will take this in the way intended---with concern and kindness. It is the same tone I would use with a dear friend in the same situation, the same tone I'd hope someone would take with me if I were in this situation.

You say that honesty is the number one thing for you in a relationship. Yet, you've let him violate this fundamental priority of yours repeatedly. Why?

True love doesn't hurt like this. True love is based on mutual respect and shared values.
You two don't share fundamental values like honesty and trust. He does not respect your feelings and concerns, but that's because his primary relationship is with alcohol, not with you. In a situation like this, there can be no healthy, loving relationship. He's on one path, and you're on another, and the two just don't meet anywhere. You have to be on a common ground to set a strong foundation for a healthy relationship.

You are disrespecting yourself by tolerating this behavior and setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery if you stay.

Best advice I can give you? Never ignore your gut. That pain in your stomach is telling you what you refuse to see. That pain in your stomach needs to be interpreted: It's telling your mind to wake up and see this situation for what it really is, and it's telling your heart to put itself on hold because decisions need to be made based on reality, not some dream of what you hope this relationship might be.

Go to an Al-Anon meeting. Seriously, just do it. It will help you to see that his drinking is not something you can control, no matter how much you check on him or who you check with, how much you plead, how many false promises you extract from him.

His unwillingness to work on his addition has nothing to do with you or your worth as a partner. There's no amount of love, patience, no level of desire that can change him. His addiction is about him, and if he's not at the point where he sees the problem or is willing to address it, then the addiction will continue, most likely getting worse over time, leaving lots of damage along the way to anyone in his path.

Please don't dismiss my words because of the use of the word addiction. I have the feeling that you believe he doesn't have a serious problem because he has cut down from 6-10 drinks a night to 'just 1' and that his last episode was a few months ago. People who have problems with alcohol can give the appearance of being "in control," by seeming to cut down, but the problem isn't limited to just the drinking itself. It's about the underlying thinking.
Periods of seeming to cut down or longer stretches between episodes are usually just the calm before the next storm. There's a problem here, and deep in your gut, you know it.

If you have children, they are watching you and learning very unhealthy patterns. They deserve better, and it's up to you to make that happen. If you do not have children with this man, please do not bring any innocent lives into this mess. It will only make things worse, and no child deserves a start in life with turmoil between parents.

Save yourself now, before you become entangled any further. You'll never find the great life meant for you if you stay stuck in this disaster. And life is way, way too short for that.

Wishing you strength and peace

I don't mean to sound rude, but this is so high school. Logging on and reading his texts, calling his buddy's wife, checking his phone...that's all so immature and high school behavior. It makes you look crazy to other people. Stop this madness now. Respect yourself enough not to let a man lower you to this level and make you look crazy to other people. Get out of this relationship now. Before you get married and you are stuck. I hope there are not children involved who are witnessing this behavior.

YOu are the type of person that thinks honesty is #1 in a relationship....yet you went onto his vtext.com account, behind his back, and then checked his phone when he got home.
Are you his mom or his girlfriend?
I get it...my husband was a horrible alcoholic and quit 14 years ago...by himself. For the first couple of years I was pretty nervous when he went out...but I trusted him and his love for me and our family and he kept it together.
Alcohol addiction is very difficult to get past, and some may say you are always an addict, albeight a recovering one (if you're sober), but you are not supporting him. If that's what he wants.
Checking on him. Having your "heart broken" and not trusting your man sounds exhausting..for both of you.
Maybe this isn't a good relationship for either of you to be in if you can't get passed that.

#1 You do not trust him. If you did, You would not be going behind his back spying by checking his phone and calling his friends which makes you look like very insecure, jealous type which you may or may not be. You are not his mother, you are supposedly his partner.

#2 You are not married. If you want change, then it is up to you to change and that means getting out of a bad relationship BEFORE you are married.

#3 I sincerely hope there are not children involved in this mess, although is is likely they are watching your example of how to pick a man and how you let a man treat you. They should be your #1 priority.

#4 I think your heart and your head are already telling you what to do and it is hard to accept that because you don't want to be alone, you don't want to be hurt, etc. Think of it long term... are you willing to lose self respect the rest of your life by being his mother instead of his partner?

The long and the short of it is that you don't trust him.

Me, I wouldn't be in a relationship where I felt I needed to check someone else's text messages. It would never have come to that. But it's apparent that there is a mismatch here: whether or not he is a bona fide alcoholic, your expectations don't match his expectations or his behavior.

I wouldn't waste my time calling to check up on him, y'know? That's making other people part of your own relationship issues and is uncomfortable. Chances are, for the friend's wife, a little lie to you is going to be less of an impact on her personally than her husband getting upset with her for spilling the beans. It's not reasonable to make other people part of your dynamic with your boyfriend.

It's up to you now. Can you accept that there are nights where he wants to party a bit every once in a blue moon and say "that's fine, I'm not going to check on you, just make sure you take a cab home"? Listen, in my last marriage, I had a husband who did everything possible to get himself fired from jobs. It was terrible and impacted our finances. Yet, I never 'checked up' on him. I could have. I could have called his employers and asked about the reason he was terminated to find out the truth. (My ex always stated that it wasn't his fault.) You know your truth in your heart of hearts. I didn't feel the need to bring others into it because *I* respected myself to trust my own observations and decided to end the marriage without trying to 'fix' him. Mainly because people won't change unless they choose to and I knew it would be a colossal waste of time and effort.

I think you know what you need to do. Either accept that this is who he is and decide you will trust him, or don't, and move on.

I think you do not belong together, because you have different value systems. And because the two of you can't reconcile your values, he lies to you to try to avoid a fight, and you don't trust him because he lies. I think this is a never ending cycle that will continue to make you both unhappy.

You don't trust him. He's broken your trust.

I'd leave the relationship. Boot him to the curb. Now.

tell him that you need a man you can trust. He's not that man. He lies. And that's a deal breaker. Especially since it's over something simple - like alcohol consumption.

Boot him. Change the locks. Get a restraining order - whatever you have to do. Get custody and child support arranged and move on.

I have been married for 20 years. I have never dealt with anything remotely like what you are experiencing with your BF.

Your comment that you have had "struggles like any relationship" gives me pause. What struggles? I really don't know what you mean by that but I can say that some of us really have great men and great relationships. If I was in your shoes, I would move on. Relationships really shouldn't be this difficult and your not even married so why are you putting up with this?

Lying to me would be a deal breaker. You are not over reacting.

Best of luck and much happiness in your future.

A., when you're married to someone you make the for better or for worse, in sickness and in health commitment so in a marriage, it makes sense that when a spouse struggles with a health issue like alcoholism, you work really hard to see them through the dark times in hope that they will eventually be well. Anyone who drinks 6-10 alcoholic drinks a night is an alcoholic. Anyone who lies about drinking is...an alcoholic. Even if he did cut back, he still has an unhealthy, sticky relationship with alcohol.

However, if you're not married...why put up with this? Sure, you love him. Sure, he might be a great guy in ways other than this but really, do you need this? Mature, loving, healthy relationships that are built on trust and mutual respect don't require reading someone's texts, tracking down where they are, figuring out who is lying to and for whom and who is covering up, etc. You're a grown woman...how do you have time and energy for this? You don't, right?

Let him go. He's not trustworthy, and he has a problem with alcohol. Tell him it's over, and alcohol and lack of trust and too much drama is why. If he manages to clean himself up for good and turn into a decent man worthy of your time then perhaps he can try to win your heart again if and when he has truly changed but really...there are guys out there who don't put you through this.

Your title is misleading. You have trouble with wanting honesty and with trusting him. This has nothing to do with guy time. Sounds like you're thinking that if he doesn't have guy time there won't be a problem. Because his drinking interfere with his relationship with you he is an alcoholic. He will drink even if he has no guy time.

You cannot change him! What your relationship is now is how it will be forever. Do you want to live like this? You love him. Do you love yourself? How does living with him help you? Take some time to figure out what you want in a relationship. Then ask the question, are you able to have those things with him as he is now?

"So at the beginning of our relationship I noticed that he had an issue with drinking and asked for his honesty which I thought he was being honest but soon caught him lying about it. After that he promised me he would never lie about drinking again."

Why did you continue the relationship at this point?

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Your boyfriend may be someone you "love to death" but you seem to be measuring the number of drinks he takes rather than the effect alcohol has on him. He wants to go out without you, and he's lying about his alcohol use. So it doesn't matter how many beers he drinks - he has an alcohol problem that has morphed into deception. He lies about how many drinks he's having, he's "pre-gaming" at the friend's house, either to save money or so he can truthfully say to you "I only had 3 beers at the bar," and he's DRIVING!

Meanwhile, you say "I would never do anything like that to compromise his trust for me" - but you do! You check his phone, you try to catch him in "gotcha moments" where he has erased texts that you have already read. And you involve other people in your relationship by calling the wife of his friend to get her to tattle on him. Now, why she's not concerned with her own husband drinking that much and driving is another story, but it's hers - her relationship, her husband, her business. But having someone else "spy" on your man is more common in middle school than in adult relationships. But you are so obsessed with changing his behavior that you are becoming someone whose actions you probably wouldn't admire very much if they were done by someone else.

And here you are, months later, and you can't get over the pain - so there's still no trust. Out of 2 years together, how many months have been trusting and loving, and how many are consumed with concern about his drinking? This is NOT a healthy relationship. This is a relationship based on lying and distrust, and manifesting itself as an adversarial relationship, in which he lies and you assume he's lying and start investigating everything. What's next? Will you get in the car and follow him, hiding in the next booth to count his beers.

Does he have an alcohol problem? Probably. Can you make him deal with it? No. So you either get out of the relationship, or you get major counseling to figure out how to deal with him. Others have asked about children - but even if you have a child together, it must be a very young one if you've only been together 2 years. This is no way to bring up a child, and it's no way to live even if there is no child involved.

I have a suspicious son-in-law who stalks and tracks his wife (my stepdaughter), who calls her boss and talks about how many other men work in the company, and who asks for her not to have any meetings with men. They each count the other one's drinks and say that the other has an alcohol problem. What they have is a maturity problem and a trust problem. Neither one of them loves the other enough to care about any feelings but their own, and neither one of them loves themselves enough to get help. I highly recommend that you not be like them.

This is a hard one to answer.

You have to do what is right for you. If you continue to stay with this man you know what you have, a broken heart or he winds up dead because of drinking. Can you continue feeling this way the rest of your life? Can you plan any long distance dreams and goals with this guy? If no, you have your answer. He loves to drink more than anything else and there never be anything more.

Your post does not state you are married so you might be better partying ways. Only you know when you have had enough of his tall tales and people covering up for him.

Take some time away from men and find out how you are. Take pride in yourself, love you first and demand to be respected. Carry yourself in an honorable way that no one will think otherwise.

Good luck to you.

the other S.

I was once in a similar type of situation. Didn't trust an ex of mine.

He had cheated on me. A year or two went by, and here's the thing, I still didn't trust him. Getting over pain is quite hard if the person hasn't changed. My ex had not changed. It seemed to all be on me to change - to get over it, to learn how to trust him again, to forgive etc. But him - no, I didn't see him actually do anything to earn my trust back.

So I then became this paranoid, distrusting person that I didn't care for. I never wanted to be like that. It's not my personality. I didn't like who I had become. I was checking up on him. I felt ridiculous. Because I'd find out something, then feel I had to check some more ... and before you know it, you're doing ridiculous things like you are - calling his friends' wives.

You kind of have to realize this isn't going to get better. He hasn't changed - he's still lying to you. And he may have a serious drinking problem. Which he hasn't done anything about.

I know you love the guy and sometimes we think of all that we've been through for a guy - as if that makes it harder for us to leave. Like "We've been through all this hard stuff ... I don't to leave now, because that will make all the pain for nothing.." But that's not true.

It would mean you'd go on with wisdom. And you'd choose better next time.

You deserve better - is what I'd say if you were my bud.

If you don't like your man drinking, then you need to be with a man that doesn't drink.

When I was young, my mom was single and had some crazy parties while I was home. I told myself at a young age I wasn't going to drink, nor did I want a boyfriend or husband that drank.

I'm 49 and been married 2x. Neither husband drank (or drinks) and none of my boyfriends did either. Just not something I want in my life for several reasons.

So if you don't like it, find someone who doesn't drink. Believe it or not, there are a lot of them out there. JMO. Good luck.

You diagnosed him as an alcoholic? How did you do that? Alcoholism is a serious disease. He needs to be seen by a doctor and diagnosed. HE has to want to get clean and sober. For himself. Not for you or any one else. Himself.

You don't have a relationship. You don't trust him. Your words "letting him" well, girlfriend, sorry to tell you, he's a grown man and you don't "Let" him do anything. Are you his mother or his partner? Sounds more like his mother.

Love does not make a relationship work. You don't trust him. That is obvious to everyone here but you it seems. If you trusted him you wouldn't be checking his texts.

You need to break up with him. You need to kick him out of the house or you need to leave the house. Don't make excuses. Don't say "I can't do it" because you CAN, you have to WANT to. Just like HE has to want to stop drinking and hiding his alcohol consumption.

You should like you are 21 years old. You expect your love to work some sort of magic. You can't change him. You have no foundation in this relationship. You can't build one on lack of trust.

It sounds as though you are not married yet, luckily, so I would RUN away from this relationship as fast as you can. If you get married you will be stuck. It WILL get worse before (if ever) it gets better. From what I know, cutting down for an alcoholic, does not work. It's all or nothing and the addiction will eventually win, until there is a real effort to get help. You are not overreacting. Listen to your intuition.

This relationship has no trust - it has no future - and you NEED to END it.
There's no way you are going to find happiness with this guy.
There's no changing him - and he doesn't want to - and he's not going to.
It's just going to be a bone of contention between you.
Just move out and go your separate ways.
He'll be back in a bar with a girl on his arm in no time at all.
You'll be a major leader in your local chapter of Teetotalers Are Us - where you can meet a guy who feels as you do about alcohol - and he will be the true love of your life.
You and your current boyfriend can both be very happy - just not together.

You don't trust him to do the right thing or should I say what you think is the right thing. A relationship built without trust is always going to have problems.

i would resent not having some alone time or not having alone time with friends.

The thing is, drinking a few drinks does not make one an alcoholic. Many people go out every single night after work and have a mixed drink. Some have a couple. This doesn't make them an alcoholic.

You thinking he's an alcoholic doesn't make him one. All that is going on is that he drinks and you don't like it. What should have happened is that he took a cab to his friends and left his vehicle at home. Then when it was time to come home the cab could drop him off.

This way he could go out, have a few drinks, and have some fun.

I was always designated driver. I didn't really like anything so I'd drink a coke or 7 UP all evening then do the driving. If I wanted to have a few drinks then one of my other friends would stay sober and drive.

We went out almost every evening. None of us were alcoholics by any means.

I would suggest that you think anyone who has more than a few drinks in any time frame is an alcoholic. That's not the case.

Please consider that you might do well to go to some alanon meetings. You might find some others that are going through similar actions.