What Do You Do When.....?? - Kansas City,MO

Updated on July 08, 2011
S.M. asks from Lakeside, CA
12 answers

If you know someone is lying to you but you can't prove it... Do you call them out on it or try and find out for sure? Or do you try and cut ties if possible. I am referring to new people in your life, not family and not anyone that you really HAVE to be around.

Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment. I simply can not stand for people to feed me half truths and out and out lies and I am getting more and more tired of that the older I get.

Am I being naive to think that if they are caught in their lies they might learn something from it and change their ways?

What can I do next?

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So What Happened?

I've tried to figure out a way to explain without saying too much. But there's a chance I could be wrong about the person and I don't know if this person could be on here or not. The last thing I would want to do is hurt someone's feelings if I was wrong about them. But, I've been down this road with others in similar situations. It is a business matter. I did some research about the person and found that their employment was misrepresented to me. If you knew what this person does for a living you would know why I have my suspicions! LOL.

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answers from Dallas on

If you can, and if there's no reason to keep a relationship, I'd let it go (the relationship go). There's nothing productive in a relationship with someone untrustworthy like that.

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answers from Redding on

People lie for different reasons.
I personally hope to be able to believe what people tell me. However, I've known people that couldn't tell the truth if they had to.
I take it all into perspective.
If someone lies about how much they paid for their car because a bigger amount makes it seem more impressive, what the hell do I care? This has actually happened. One of my clients was the owner of the car lot where the car was purchased. Why tell the person I knew they were lying about what they paid for their car when it's really none of my business or concern in the first place?
On the other hand, I had a co-worker who lied his head off to me, to the boss, to our clients. He was frigging dangerous as far as I was concerned and I left that job because of him. He was a lawsuit waiting to happen and I wanted nothing to do with it. Shortly after I left, he was caught in a huge and awful lie that cost my boss a lot of money. I never even had to say, "I tried to tell you......."
I was his supervisor. I did confront him about his lies. I was tired of cleaning up the messes he made. It affected me. It affected my boss, his family, his business and livelihood. No matter how many lies he got caught in, he never backed down from any of them and he said the other person was lying. Me, the bookkeeper, the bosses own wife. He did not learn a single thing from being caught in his lies. He made no attempt to become a more honest person. He's been fired from every job he's ever had. I can only guess my boss kept him so long because he felt sorry he'd done too much acid in the 60's or whatever. I just know I wanted away from that guy.
Some people lie out of insecurity. Some people lie because they've lied so much they can't remember what the truth is. Some people lie because they have no conscience.
If I think someone is lying to me but it really doesn't matter one bit if they are or aren't, I don't waste any energy on it. I don't believe anything they say, but I don't feel the need to prove them wrong and make sure they know that I know they lied, embellished, whatever.
I just don't trust them.
I don't allow anyone into my home that I can't trust with my belongings.
If someone says she wears a size 8 and you're pretty sure she's closer to a 10 or 12, is that a bad lie? Is that person not to be trusted for any reason?

I guess it depends on what you mean by lying. And I guess it depends on how far you feel you need to go to call someone on it.

Just my opinion.

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answers from Phoenix on

If you know for a fact they are lying, call them on it. If you're not really sure, then you can say, "I'm not sure I completely understand when you tell me....(such and such)"...and then you can add, "I thought it was this...". Something like that to give them a chance to elaborate more on their story. If you don't know for sure, then what I would do is pay more close attention to that they tell me. Sometimes people have a hard time being forthright with what they want to say. They will keep some info to themselves thinking that it would be better, and not really indending to insult or betray that other friend. I have come across some friends that have lied to me. Some apologize and give their reason and I will forgive them. I can forgive anyone who acknowledges they're own wrong doing and say sorry. Deceitful/Spiteful liars I don't do well with at all and I will end up telling them off, putting them in their place and brush them off. I did that to one as well who tried to portray a friend of hers on myspace. (long story there).
I pretty much agree with you about being tired of people telling me 'half truths' and blatent lies. If a particular issue/situation arises that a friend knows that affects me....I would rather them hurt me with the truth, rather than hurt me with a 'half truth' or lie because if they did lie to me, it will be very hard for me to trust that person wholeheartedly.
If you know for a fact, that person lied to you, you can call them on it, tell them you don't appreciate it, and it's not the kind of friendship you want. Forgive her if she apologizes.

When I was younger, in my 20s, a friend told me a secret and I let it slip out in a conversation. Can't remember the detail of the situation but that friend of mine was so hurt and mad at me. It devestated me knowing how hurt she was over that. I apologized over and over again....and to this day, if anyone tells me something, if it's a secret or not, that conversation stays between me and that person only.
I hope he/she realizes that no matter what, that lying can really destroy a great friendship/relationship.
There I go rambling on...lol Some people are genuinely sorry and will learn from their mistakes. :-D

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answers from Seattle on

Well, I think if these people are lying to you they are probably dishonest to others and nothing you say will change their ways. I don't think a confrontation will do anything but cause bad blood, which sucks if you have to see them on a regular basis (like neighbors or someone from your kids' school). No use in making life more dramatic than it already is, I would just avoid them.
Good luck.

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answers from Las Vegas on

Most won't change and suddenly become honest. They will feel stupid for a little while then go about their life. Why would their employment be suspicious? now I'm curious about that lol. It's always worth a try. I can't stand liars either.

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answers from Tulsa on

I used to point out the lies of my inlaws because it was unbearable. They never learned even when a group of us confronted them.

I would cut ties and be grateful you are so perceptive. My husband and I can not stand liars. Both of us have one sibling who was abusive and a chronic liar. We don't miss them or their lies.

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answers from San Francisco on

It depends on the person. If I know in my gut they are lying and it is something that really, really bothers me--then I usually will say something. But if its something not near and dear to me, I usually let it slide and watch and wait to see what else they will come up with.

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answers from Tampa on

Is it an intuition that they are lying... or you just know what they say can't be possible?

I despise liars and once I see someone lie to me - they are no longer friends. Eventho I see breaking a promise or planned date to do something as a form of lying... I'd lose half of my family if I stopped talking to them from lying.

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answers from Pittsburgh on

Hmmmm...depends. Does the lie affect you or your life directly? Then I think it's OK to reveal that you *know* they're lying. Otherwise, I try to ignore ridiculously trivial stuff......hard to say from your post.

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answers from Chicago on

If i was the 'friend' on the receiving end, and my friend (you) thought this of me, I wouldn't want you to be my friend if I in fact didn't do anything wrong. And you shouldn't be friends with them if they in fact were being deceitful.

So basically I think this *friendship* is a no win situation for either you or the possibly lying friend.

Hope that makes sense.

I couldn't be friends with anyone if I had so much speculation about them, especially so much negative speculation. But then again I don't like drama or negative energy, I'm just too old for all that.

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answers from Kansas City on

I know what you mean! I have an issue with liars. I think I do a whole lot better now though. I used to get so upset and stressed and angry. I usually just moved on and stopped dealing with the person. I confronted someone about 2 years ago and she just kept up with the lies. What did I expect from a LIAR though? SO, I left her alone and I do the same with anyone else like that.
I hate to say "naive" , but I know what you mean.
You're probably a person who feels if only you are kind and can appeal to their human side that you can make them see that lying is unnecessary and life can move on in a pleasant manner. Sadly, that's usually not the case. Liars do not respond well to confrontation. Smh.
******Well now we want to know the details... well, at least I do. Lol

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answers from Austin on

When I catch someone in a lie I like to have backup...aka proof they're lying before confronting them. Also, try not to talk 'at' them but rather 'to' them so you can put them on the spot but be mature about it...like not pointing fingers. Having a mature discussion, for me anyway, seems to have better results. Just say to them something like "I just wanted to talk to you alone for a few minutes...it's come to my attention that..." & proceed to present your findings. I'd talk to them alone w/no one else around to avoid awkwardness or making them feel interrogated w/others around and plus it's no one's business what you're discussing anyway. If the lie is something that really bothers you & has to do w/you & not something that can be looked the other way on, definitly talk to them about it! That's the only way you're going to get resolution but I'd definitly do it when you have proof to back you up. If you feel you can't trust them anymore then let them know that you can't condone being lied to no matter what the reason & you feel you can't be friends w/them anymore. Hope this helps, good luck!

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