Lack of Libido (How Embarassing)

When I want some I:
* Do something that makes me feel pretty: paint my nails, nair my legs, body oil ha!
* Dress in sexy nighties
* Buy stuff at pleasure parties: glow in the dark paint, massage oil, warming lube
* Read erotic literature, it's gets the mind and everything else going

i see so many people are in the same boat. well i am too, i swear even if im in the mood, when i hit the bed im out like a light. i can't control it, and what makes it worse is that my husband is so comfortable to lay with that i just can't stay up. i would suggest (because i found that this works for me) that when you put the kids to sleep, drink a cup of coffee and then both of you jump in the shower together. that usually wakes me up a little. then try not to lay down in the bed at all, have sex the way you used to whe you were younger, on the floor, against the wall anything to keep away from the bed. that works pretty well for me, but as soon as it's over im really ready for sleep! lol good luck and don't feel embarrassed, it happens to everyone, your body is trying to get it's much needed rest.

Sara,
I swear by Equaline High Potency Time Release B Complex for energy. Really!
Also~ See if you can be more creative about a weekly date night. Are you open to the concept of 'fake it til you make it'? I have been happily married for 26 years & I find libido to be somewhat of a roller coaster with all the ups & downs.

Not embarassing at all. I can't think of any of my friends or myself with kids who don't have this struggle from time to time. Here's my thoughts on the subject.

Maintaing a healthy sex life is as important if not more important then anything else you do in a given week. That doesn't mean you have to be putting it out there every day but you do have to make it happen. It just takes a little more effort but it's worth it.

Now it will be me a bit embarassed but you asked! It's not quantity but quality! No a quickie isn't going to do much more then give him a release and sex should be more then that. You should BOTH enjoy it and the phsical part of your marriage enriches every other area of you union.

No, you are not always going to be in the mood and no it's not always going to be earthshattering but there are a few things you can to do help facilitate it and make it what you both want and need.

Think sexy! So what that your 3 year old just pooped on the floor and your 4 year old tossed it at the dog! Find moments in the day to do some fantasizing. It's as simple as just thinking about your husband and how happy he makes you and what naughty things can you think of to make HIM happy when he gets home. Keep that up when you can and you'll find yourself anxious for the kids to get to bed already!

Dress to impress. So your day consists of a target stop and maybe a park playdate. No reason why you can't put on your skinny jeans a cute top and sexy shoes right? I bet you get some flirty looks throughout the day and what an ego boost that is! When you feel pretty your much more likely to be a little more aware of your looks and your impact on those around you. It feels good to be noticed and to remember how lucky your husband is to have you!

Watch your husband. Don't just see him in your peripheal vision. Check him out! What about him just does it for you? Is it his butt? Is it a crooked smile or a sexy voice? Figure out what he has that pushes your buttons and focus on those features when he is in your presence.

Touch eachother. Foreplay can last all day if you do it right. Maybe a little longer/deeper kiss before he leaves for work. Maybe a phone call that's short and sweet but a little racy??

Excercise! I never feel more sexy and in the mood then I do after a workout and a warm shower! If your active maybe a jog around the block with the kids just before he gets home/kids go to bed. Gets your blood moving and will at least temporarily get rid of that too tired to move feeling at the end of the day. Just be careful to avoid excercising just before you go to sleep. (Well CERTAIN excercising. ha ha)

Ask him to make you feel wanted. Tell him that you need him to seduce you. Tell you he thinks your pretty, how much you turn him on etc. And keep the groping to a minimum. I hate that when my husband does that. Nothing turns me on less then him reaching out and grabbing me in the middle of making dinner or vacuming. Your husband can do a lot to make you feel like putting more of an effort into sex.

Do it when you don't want to. Fake it. I know, probably not PC to say but I know there were times when I just "wanted to get it over with" and went through the motions. I will say though that by the time it was all said and done, I found myself getting into it and enjoying it much more then I originally thought I would.

Hope these tips help! This is so common though. It's ok to go through periods of time when you just aren't connecting physically. Just don't let those last too long!

Don't be embarrassed! I think more of us feel this way than not! I'd like to have sex in the morning, when I have energy, but my husband leaves at 5:45 and I don't think I could do anything with quality before 5 when he gets up! And with a 6 year old and not quite 2 year old twins and an obnoxiously busy schedule, I too, am never sitting around, so when the kids are in bed, I practically shut down. For awhile, we tried to schedule sex, and then it started getting bumped right off the mental calendar because we were both exhausted. We've been together for almost 17 years, so I started to think back to things we did when we were 17 that were fun. We did dumb stuff, like play cards and board games. So we will now schedule games - and who'da thought that would be foreplay?? But I'll tell ya, a good game of Monopoly or gin rummy sure can get ya goin'! It's kind of ridiculous sounding, but we'll be playing cards and then we just talk. Not like parents talking about the day or the bills or the weekend plans, but just about stuff in general, like we used to. And then it just seems to be energizing and close and fun and then one thing leads to another. It's sort of scheduled, but it's not like Thursday...9:00...Sex...Be there! But we joke around during the day. He'll send me a text message or an email saying something like, "How about a hot game of crazy 8s tonight?" And it makes us happy because it's funny and fun and really back-to-basic simple. And we'll make deals sometimes that sound equally ridiculous, like "I'll have sex with you if you go to Jewel and get these 5 things so I don't have to tomorrow." It's amazing. The man will practically run out the door to get to and from Jewel as fast as he can! And while he's gone I can have a few minutes of peace & quiet alone while I relish the thought that I must still have something if he'll run to Jewel for sex after this long. It never hurts to flirt, too. If you don't text each other, think about starting. I swear, you get him into it and you'll be buying toilet paper at Target and he suddenly texts you something out of the blue that's just hot enough you forget you're even married and it feels like you've got this secret lover on the side. And you're suddenly anxiously waiting for him to get home and you've decided dinner will be a frozen pizza and kids are going to bed early, and it's just plain fun! One day a couple weeks ago at the time my twins are normally napping and my daughter is at school, I was on the treadmill when a text from him came in. "Is your husband home?" When I texted back no, he replied, "Then I'm coming over." He works 35 miles away, but this was obviously planned because he was home in 15 minutes. I can't even tell you the rest or I'll get kicked off Mamasource...haha!! But have fun. It takes some effort at first, but it's amazing how something so stupid and juvenile can create such momentum.

Honey, I am right there with you! My oldest is 4-1/2, second is 3 and my youngest just turned one and I work 20-30 hours out of my house. I have tried to explain to my hubby that I have been pregnant and or breastfeeding for five years. There are days I just can't tolerate another person touching me or needing me! I'm hoping that once my son is weaned (which I am currently doing) I will get back to normal. I know how important sex is, but life can be exhausting. The only thing that has helped me, is I take a shower with my hubby at least twice a week if not more. Let us know how it works out for you!

Hi Sara,

Add one more to your list. I feel the same way. I'm in bed at 9:30 (working outside the home). When I get home, do dishes, clean up, spend time with my 17 month I realize...ohhh, I have a husband too? It doesn't seem like there are enough hours in the day and the intimate part gets put aside, for a long time. Sorry, no advice from me, just keeping an eye on your responses so I can use them too. Date nights, have a few glasses of wine and I'm sleeping. Funny thing, I do make time for my reality shows. Survivor, Bachelor, Desperate Housewives NYC, etc. THEN Desperate Housewives started again. I'm a loser. Of all times his is when he's in the mood. He's always tired too. He owns his own business and we forget about each other.

Hang in there.....L.

Sara

I found this happening to my husband and I after our 3rd baby(before that we never found making time for each other a problem). Here are a couple tricks that I use. If it has been more than a couple days, I find out how my husbands day is going around late morning, if he is having an easy day or is in a really good mood I make sure I store some energy away for later. Sometimes I can find 30 minutes during the day when the kids are sleeping or I put in a movie for them so I can relax and I do nothing during that 30 minutes. RELAX! A 30 minute break can do wonders for you! If that means I don't get to clean a bathroom or wash the floor, so be it. My husband and our relationship are much more important than a clean floor and there is always tomorrow to make up for missed housework. Your husband will love the suprise and I am sure you will feel much better after being with your husband.
If your husband comes home and you know he is in the mood, you can also try putting your kids to bed 30 minutes earlier that night to give you a little extra time.
If all else fails and it has been more than a week without sex, you could always set your alarm 30 minutes earlier on Saturday morning to do the deed.
Your husband is not going to care what time it is or if you have a clean floor if you are making time for him.
I hope this helps!
J.

Oh my gosh... you practically described me! I wish I had an answer/idea. Some say to schedule it... but quite honestly, that doesn't really get me in the "mood" either. And the funny thing is that sometimes when I do have the 'urge', it is the hubby that is too tired or not at home. I'm just hoping something sparks again ;) If you find the magic ticket, please share.

Okay...I've read all the replies and I'm glad to know that you and others are just like me! When my head hits the pillow it's like I don't want anything else but sleep. My husband can be dog tired and snoring on his way to bed and all of a sudden, he's "poking" me. :-)

So, I think I'll check back to your replies periodically to see which one helps significantly! In the meantime, everyone else can feel free to email me personally if you come accross an answer that will boost my libido too!

M
____@____.com

Hi Sarah,

i find that I sometimes fall into a rut like this. i'm not sure how often you're 'not' having sex, but sometimes i find that if i go without it, i'm fine with it and don't have any desire for it... but once it gets started, i want more.

if you start doing it, the mood kind of perpetuates itself.

that being said though - your low libido could be medically connected to a problem or medication; birth control pills, anti-depressants, hormonal imbalance, etc. can all affect the libido in negative ways.

when i find this is the case for me i still make time - prioritize... start it even if you dont particularly want it... 10 minutes can go a long way for the guys - sometimes not so much for us, but you will at least feel like you are not neglecting his needs. i am the master at falling asleep - seriously, 3 minutes after my head hits the pillow i am out and cannot be woken up by my husbands prodding...knowing this, i lead him up to the bedroom after the kids are all tucked in (we have 4) and make sure we get some fun time in before i reach the pint of no return :)

my husband knows that i'm just not capable right now to have the sex marathons we used to have that lasted for hours, and neither is he - the kids keep us busy and we're both tired - but we make sure we stay connected... i also make sure he gets at least 2 'sessions' of pleasure from me that is just for him (read: oral) while I am having my monthly friend.

so, not sure if i helped give you ideas of how you can reconnect, but this is what we do... we are both satisfied in that department and he doesn't feel neglected, which is important to me.

Good luck!!

Sara,

First off, you are no alone in this. I have been there, and still at times just have to make the time ( tired or not).
This is not very romantic, but maybe you can just put sex on the schedule like everything else. Let some of the non- essential chores go for the day/night.

My kids are 10, and 6yr old twins.and I work f/t outside the home. By the time I get home, it is cook dinner, help with homework, get ready for the next day, try to do a few chores. I usually need a jumpstart for sex, but once you start you seem to wake up. LOL

Good luck.

I know how you feel!! And I only have one child so far, a 2 year old, and another one due in July. Sometimes we lock ourselves in our closet for a quickie in the morning while my 2 year old is watching TV. Otherwise it is usually when my son is taking a nap in the middle of the day. I think with kids a little older like yours those occasions may not work as well.

I guess I don't really have any good advice, but at least you aren't alone!

If you dont have a babysitter: get one!
Have her take your kids on a saturday or sunday to the park so you and DH have some time for yourself and get back to bed!