Just Curious - Do You Believe This?

Ever heard the story about two wolves? I think it applies to these types of situations.

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. "A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy.

"It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego." He continued, "The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

I don't believe it works in certain arenas, but in the context of relationships, it actually can work. Science has discovered, for example, that the actual physical act of smiling actually creates chemical changes in the brain, making people happier.

Also, when people act like they love each other, and then as a result treat each other better, that tends to feed on itself.

I believe love is an action word and a choice. It is not only about acting on the outside in a loving way but also being careful what we tell ourselves about our SO on the inside. If we just focus on all the negative then it won't work but if we fill our hearts and minds with what we like about the person then our love can grow. To me that is the difference between romantic love and enduring love. I believe love is worth fighting for especially if there a kids. I hope my children, if and when they have a SO, they end up with someone who will fight to build and keep the love.

You seem to have asked more than one question, but I'm just answering the first.

Yes, "fake it 'til you make it" often works. If you don't love your spouse anymore because he is abusive, that's different, but if it's just that you don't "feel" love for him anymore, "fake it 'til you make it" should and often does work. It's easier to understand if you think of it from the opposite point.
If you keep acting towards each other as if you don't love each other, then you won't have the feelings for each other anymore. If you get so busy or mad or whatever, that you stop taking the time to say kind things to each other, to keep hugging and kissing, and to do kind things for each other, then you will eventually convince your mind and heart that you no longer love each other.

Also, think of it this way, you treat each other with love because it makes you feel good to love the other person. Doing good things for others (for example doing charity-type work) brings a "warm fuzzy feeling" to the giver. Sure, I get a warm fuzzy feeling when someone does something nice for me, but I feel even better when I see the joy or relief in the face of someone I just helped. It's not about what they give to me, but what I do for them that changes my heart.

Another example, I feel more love for my husband when I give him a present than I do when he gives me a present.

Also, when I got so busy with the kids that I started just giving my husband little peck kisses, I pretty soon didn't have any romantic feelings for him anymore. Then I remembered to fake it. So, even though I didn't have the "urge" to do it, I would "make" myself give him a long, sexy kiss. Then, WOW! The result was that I reminded myself what it was like to feel that way. I had to force the kiss to start, but what followed was 100% real.

If you can't see it when thinking of your husband, think of your kids. What makes you happier -- doing something for them that brings them joy or having them do something for you? As long as they aren't toots about it and are actually joyful when you do something nice for them, doesn't that make you feel more love for them? And in return, they then want to do kind things for you and it keeps going.

It's not that faking it makes you believe it even if it is never real. It's the long-term results of faking it. If you can stick it out long enough, faking it will bring back real love. You'll feel joy and love after giving it to your husband, and he (if he is a decent person) will eventually want to reciprocate because of the joy and love he is receiving from you. He'll want to give it back. Sorry to be corny, but it's like the song -- "Love is something if you give it away; you'll end up having more."

I say all this from my own personal experience, but there is also a great movie that makes the same point. I know this movie is fiction, but you might try watching "Fireproof" with Kirk Cameron. The acting isn't the best in the world, but the message is great. The acting isn't horrible, it just isn't movie-star perfect, and you can probably get past that if you keep in mind that Kirk Cameron is the only professional actor in the movie (all the rest are amateurs, and they do a pretty good job for amateurs).

So, just remember it this way...
If ACTING like you don't love each other makes you eventually stop "loving" each other, then it makes sense that ACTING like you DO love each other can eventually make you begin loving each other again.

I would never "act" like I love my hubby. I DO love him. There are times when he makes me nuts and we don't agree, but I always love him 100%. I don't know if it's because I come from divorced parents or what, but I think if there is no love there anymore then it's time to call it quits. I don't think it is fair to anyone involved in the relationship (including observing children) to stay and think it will just change one day.
I do think that as parents our relationships change with our SO's. We all get distracted by being parents we forget to be lovers. So I think that if both people involved are willing to work at it they can find that passion again.

Yes I do believe it is possible. After my son died I really felt like I would never be happy again but I put a smile on my face everyday and eventually I became a happy person again although I will never be the same again.

Re: marriage... I do think it is possible to fall in love with your spouse again. Marriage is sometimes hard work after all. I do believe by putting the focus on the positive traits and good things about your spouse it is possible. However, it takes two people to make a marriage work yet just one person to break it up. I do not think all marriages can be saved but I do think the grass is often greener on the other side.

The way I see it is that marriage is a lifelong commitment. So you must pull every rabbit out of your hat to make it work. If faking it through a rough period gets you through it, it's a good thing. If love really is gone, then no.

I feel the same as you & ESPECIALLY the same as Laura. It makes me almost literally sick to my stomach to see women telling other women to have sex with their husbands whether they want to or not. I think that is the worst advice possible. *stepping off soap box*

Now, I have personally had some issues with my husband over the years that have made me seriously question whether it's time to call it quits or not. I have never actually left, we have worked through some really difficult times & have come around to each other once again. We NEVER forced it or acted as though we were feeling something we weren't. We allowed each other to feel what they were actually feeling & to move through it. We made every effort possible to sway things into the direction of us staying together & it has worked out for us, but to act as though I'm gaga-head-over-heals-crazy-about-him-every-single-minute when I'm seriously considering a separation makes absolutely no sense to me what-so-ever.

Victoria W has a great story about feelings. Like Aesop, it uses animals (wolves in this instance) to tell a story and make a point. So true.

LoveBeingMommy has a wonderful answer. So true. Her comments about "Fireproof" are so true. But I thought all the actors and actresses were amatuers. The movie is in no danger of winning an academy award for best actor or actress, but the story is fantastic.

A couple of centuries ago, marriages were arranged. Men and women were promised/engaged shortly after birth. Those were the days when a verbal promise was something you could count on. Men and women fell in love after they got married.

To love or not to love someone is a mental choice. You can choose to love them or not. To go from love to hate and back to love again? Its your choice.

Good luck to you and yours.

Kind of an odd question, because I think if you're married to someone you don't "act" like you love them...you DO love them!

I love my husband when he's a jerk, when I feel like smacking him and when I like him and his actions.

I may not like everything my husband does, says or believes, but I love HIM.

So...I try to treat my husband with love and respect because he IS my husband, that I love. I know we are "in it" for the long haul. We love each other--warts and all, so to speak.

As far as the old walk the walk til you talk the talk issue--I do believe that if there IS love and commitment, yes, this can work.

All relationships have peaks and valleys.

Oh--the opposite of love is not hate--it's indifference. If someone feels true, pure indifference toward their spouse, it's probably time to end the marriage.

I think faking your actions or feelings is just postponing the inevitable. You are not getting to the cause of the issues, or solving them. That's not a way to live, IMO. Eventually you have to ACTUALLY deal with the issues.

I don't think it makes anything better, just makes the person a liar.

*put fingers in ears*

lalalalalalalala I can't hear you! :p

No I don't believe it but I agree there are a fair few that appear to.

It's hard to lie to yourself... your heart and mind know what you are REALLY feeling. If you truly love something - you will have a better time of doing it... I've heard people saying "Pretend until you do" and I have never been able to do that.

No. You either love someone or you don't. I don't have to act any certain way for my husband or my son to know I love them. When we aren't in the same room, they still know I love them. My son knows even if I am in one state and he is in another, we still love each other.

The "acting" as you say, or I like to call it "going through the motions" are just bonus features in our relationship. If you mix it in with gestures, words you say, time spent together, and efforts you make for each other, it should be in addition to your love for each other.

Don't get me wrong - there are always ups and downs in our family. But we always try to do our best and make each other our #1 priority.

it may be that you read it as "really over" but some of the other posters read it as "maybe this person needs to get through a rough patch."

No I don't believe that. Its in your heart and you love them or you don't. You can act all day long and tell yourself what ever you want. If you can't stand the sight of them, can't stand to hear their voice and loathe when be touches you there's not enough acting on earth. Sometimes things just don't work out. To me, that's when enough is enough.

I can love someone even when they do things I don't like. I can act ON that love, even if I'm feeling more anger than affection at the moment.

I can't ACT myself into actually loving someone that I don't FEEL love for.

imho, love, much like forgiveness, is not a feeling so much as it is a decision. I think the reason our grandparents and earlier generations stayed married for so long is because they decided to commit to each other. You can decide to love a person even if they don't constantly make you "feel" like loving them. Thus, it doesn't become an issue of faking it, so much as just understanding that sometimes you won't click as well with your spouse, and those times may just have to be weathered, and what attitude you choose to have during the harder times will partially determine how long and how intense they are.

hope that made sense.

I don't understand the question? yes i believe what you stated happens everywhere probably more than we know! I believe actors also see it as a game so to speak. The game is over when you have no more fake moves, your cornered or get bored of the rules and decide not to play anymore. In some cases the time is known long before action is taken (moreso when kids are involved at young ages). The way I feel about it, is as long as im still willing to fight for what I have to keep balanced with the changing times than Love is still there.

I'm not really sure if you have a problem yourself, or a problem with those who believe this way? If you honestly fell in love with this person initially, that is good. Each situation is different and many factors are involved. I do believe that "love is a decision" and is not based upon feelings. Feelings come and go. I don't watch much TV, but I do lightly follow some star's marriages (secretely hoping they will last) and I heard Antonio Banderis (spell?) say once that if you hang in there, you will fall in love with your spouse again. I know how it feels to be tired. It is healthy to just begin to focus on myself and make sure that I'm really taking care of me. Am I nurturing my faith? excercising? eating well? getting enough sleep? laughing and making time for fun? When we focus our attention on us, and our defects, many, many times, those around us also change. Easier said than done.

God grant me the serenity to accept things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

I don't really think that acting a certain way will make me FEEL a certain way. BUT, I don't think that play acting is necessarily dishonest. I certainly don't feel that it's "not doing anyone any favors."

There are people in my life I really don't like. But they've never done anything mean to me, and they might even like me. Do I want to cause them pain by snubbing them? No. I'd rather act the part as a distant "friend" than hurt them. I've been hurt by people who pretended to be a friend so they could use me, and as soon as they got what they wanted, stopped pretending overnight - like a light switch cutting off. I consider that to be an awful person.

I don't know what point is "enough is enough". It's a bridge I cross when I come to it.

Dawn

Hi, L.:

It sounds like you have been shut down with your feelings for a very
long time, long time before you met your husband.

I suggest you look into your own soul and see where you
are loving yourself.

If you can't find love for yourself, how can you find love in your
husband or even with others.

Just a thought.
Good luck.
D.