Getting Crushes on Other Men While Married

Updated on July 01, 2019
B.A. asks from Ann Arbor, MI
28 answers

I’ve been married for 9 years and have two kids. We’ve had sex maybe 4-5 times in the last year and I half, since my second son was born. I don’t find myself that attracted to my husband anymore. I recently developed a huge crush on the guy who teaches my workout class and we have a very friendly banter. A bunch of us from the gym went out drinking and he and I talked a lot and flirted. Nothing happened physically but my question is...how normal is it to develop a crush when you’re married? How did you handle it? I’m so drawn to this guy. I had a very intense crush on a different guy before my husband and I got married but I’ve never cheated. Thanks! Please be kind.

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So What Happened?

Thank you all for your thoughtful comments. You’ve given me a lot to think about. My husband is not open to counseling so I’m not sure how we will resolve our issues but I’m not going to give up. I think it’s normal to develop attraction to other people it’s just about how we deal with it.

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K.M.

answers from Fargo on

yes. I do all the time. I fantasize that my husband is someone else all the time. That is the only way I can do it anymore.

Updated

yes. I do all the time. I fantasize that my husband is someone else all the time. That is the only way I can do it anymore.

More Answers

B.C.

answers from Norfolk on

I was 27 when we got married and we had dated for 9 years before that.
We'd dated others, had options and chose who was best for us - which was each other.
Knowing what is out there - I sure as heck know the grass is not greener on the other side and I've never been tempted to look elsewhere.
Some might disagree but I don't think flirting when you are married is a good idea.
It's kind of like false advertising.
You made your choice when you married and how would you like it if Hubby did what you did?
Is this how you 'love honor and cherish' your husband?

If you value your marriage - join a different workout class that has a different (female) instructor and leave this other guy alone.
Avoid temptation.

Incidentally I actually knew some co workers who had an affair - she was married with children - he was not - and they got caught doing the deed at work in an electrical closet.
It destroyed her family and both their careers.
So stupid and so not worth it.
I'd hate to see that happen to you.

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J.C.

answers from Anchorage on

The grass isn't greener on the other side when you water your own lawn. It is normal for couples to feel disconnected sometimes, especially when there are kids and bills etc, but you have to find ways to reconnect and stay connected and then these "crushes" won't seem so appealing.

Updated

The grass isn't greener on the other side when you water your own lawn. It is normal for couples to feel disconnected sometimes, especially when there are kids and bills etc, but you have to find ways to reconnect and stay connected and then these "crushes" won't seem so appealing.

15 moms found this helpful
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S.S.

answers from Atlanta on

I've been married over 25 years. We have 4 kids. My husband was deployed more times than I care to count.

Have I had a crush? Yes, I have, several. Have I ever acted on them? No.
When my husband was deployed one of the other single officers was making himself available to me. While at first it was nice as he'd help with the handy-man stuff around the house. It got to the point where I was really interested in his day, etc. When my husband and I were on our rare calls, this other guy was all I could talk about and our boys. My oldest son overheard the conversation and said something to me. It was my wake up call.

This is your wake up call. You need to talk with your husband about any issues you are having. The lack of sex? Yeah, sex comes and goes over the years. Sometimes there are health reasons for not having sex and not being attracted to your spouse. I think we've all gone through that at some point in time.

This sounds like more than a crush. The grass isn't greener. Fix your marriage. If your marriage can't be fixed? Then you divorce and move on. But don't try and start something new before you've tried to fix the one you have NOW.

15 moms found this helpful

W.W.

answers from Washington DC on

B.

I've been married for 22 years. We've had our ups and downs and "not another day" moments. Have we looked? Yes, we both look at the menu - but we haven't tasted. I have "crushes" on people I don't really know - like Dwayne Johnson! :)

I have questions for you....

What do you want out of this crush?
How much energy are you going to invest in this crush?
Why won't you invest this energy into your marriage?
When was the last time you and your husband went out on a date?
When was the last time you and your husband did something without the kids - even at home?

WHY don't you feel attracted to your husband now? What has changed in him that you don't find attractive anymore??

My questions need to be taken to heart. Think before you invest more time in this "crush". While it's great to find another person attractive? You are putting more time and energy into your crush than your marriage. Maybe you and your husband should go out for drinks???

Bottom line? Give your marriage the same energy you are giving this crush and see what happens!

14 moms found this helpful

D.B.

answers from Boston on

Crushes are totally normal. Flirtation is easy when there is no penalty for doing so. Ask yourself if you were embarrassed to do this in front of the others. If not, it was probably innocent enough and no one realized the depth of your feeling.

The point raised below about an instructor smiling at the ladies in his class is spot on. Maybe it's all a "sales pitch" and maybe it's his way of saying, "Women who've had babies can be attractive and can get into better shape if they want to." So, making you feel attractive can be a positive incentive. Or, he's hitting on you. I don't know. I wasn't there.

But he's not your problem. The problem is that you aren't having the sex you want. You are not attracted to your husband.

But remember, the fitness guy is all buff and friendly and charming. You see him in his perfect little world with no distractions. You see him at the bar. Your husband is the dad, the guy who doesn't make you feel attractive, the guy who leaves his underwear on the floor and walks by the dirty dishes without seeing them. If you went to the fitness guy's house and saw his dirty laundry and the bathroom he never cleans and his unpaid credit card bill because he bought a big screen TV, and if you saw him take off to play golf while you were home with 2 kids with ear infections, how hot would he be?

You've got apples and oranges here. One carefree, new, cute guy. One familiar guy with irritations that get on your nerves.

So, talk to your husband, not about the gym guy, but about what's bugging you and what you feel. And get a counselor for a few sessions to sort this out. Get a neutral professional to help you find better ways to communicate, to express your needs and for your husband to meet those - and vice versa. It's probably very fixable because most of us go through this and work it out.

14 moms found this helpful

E.J.

answers from Chicago on

You must be his first over stressed, overworked, baby body transition lonely woman that he’s ever shown interest in right?

Don’t you think he does this to all the ladies? It’s a great sales tactic to ensure you remain in his class so he can keep his numbers up and keep his job at the gym.

Reviewing your last’s posts, you have a lot going on emotionally. Not sure how adding a new relationship, or complication will get to the root of what is really going on with you.

So you want to feel physically desired by someone. That’s understandable. But magazines are filled with physically desirable people. What makes a relationship fulfill our needs is the emotional connection with that other person. That takes work. Especially good communication, patience and maturity.

This work does not take place at an after-work-out-get together. It takes place internally with you doing some selfcare and figuring out what is going on with your emotions. Next it takes place with your husband and figuring out how to work on your marriage. Figure out what your needs are, express them to your husband, discuss his needs and how you can work together to meet each other’s needs.

In the very least, be honest and finish what you started in the relationship (marriage ) with your husband.

Sounds like you have some work to do, but this can’t be done at the gym or with a trainor.

14 moms found this helpful

S.T.

answers from Washington DC on

it's not uncommon for marriages to go through blah periods, where the glitter fades and reality seems pretty grey and dull. the seven-year itch is a real thing, and doesn't adhere to seven years.

mature people understand this and work with it. maybe you need marriage therapy to help you rediscover your spark (this did the trick for us.) maybe it's as simple as remembering to connect more deeply than 'did you pick up the bread?' or 'don't forget to sign the permission slip.' maybe it's a short trip away together.

or if the problems are more deep-seated, a trial separation.

with two kids' lives in the balance, you don't want to make a mistake. and a mistake it would be to read too much into this 'intense crush.'

if your marriage is over, you need to handle that, and the toll it will take on your children, long before you can turn your attention to crushes. so there's no good reason to act on this crush at all. probably ever. it's unlikely to survive a separation, divorce, and the required no-dating time to focus on your kids and your single life. ditto, naturally, if you remain in your marriage.

because cheating should never ever be an option.

khairete
S.

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N.K.

answers from Miami on

Happens all the time, to men and women, they just don't act on it, if they love their spouse/fiance/boyfriend, etc. Have you always wanted to leave your husband and felt you don't love him and lost the attraction, or did this suddenly develop now that you met this new guy? It sounds to me like this is a new thing, or you would have either entered marriage counseling long ago if this was such an ongoing issue, or gotten a divorce. Sounds like you're fantasizing about what could be with this guy, and nothing more and now you're finding defects with your spouse. You may be throwing away a good marriage for uncertainty. For all you know, this guy is just a big flirt and doesn't see you as anything more than just yet another woman with a crush on him. Imagine leaving a stable marriage for someone who is just playing around, or has different women he "services" because they all throw themselves at him and he's single, so why not.

One of my instructors is a model, he is super handsome, incredibly muscular, funny, and very flirty. He has confided in me that he needs to be super friendly and flirtatious to see if some of the women will be enticed to hire him as a personal trainer, as being a gym instructor in a group class pays nothing, and the money is in the personal training sessions. How do you know this isn't the case with your own instructor? Be careful, you are treading in dangerous territory. You should consider counseling to see how you truly feel. Maybe your marriage is just stale, maybe your husband thinks you have lost sexual interest or are fine with a boring sex life, but he is wanting to make love more often. There is probably a failure to communicate. I think counseling is a must. Don't do something you may regret, just because of the adrenaline rush you're feeling of some hot dude reciprocating in giving you the time of day.

13 moms found this helpful

T.F.

answers from Dallas on

It is normal for crushes to occur. However, you sound unhappy in your marriage and PLEASE remember that the grass is not greener on the other side.

Think of your husband, what brought you together, your children which should be a priority. I know you would not want to break up a secure family for a passing crush.

If it were me and I felt that intensely drawn to someone else while married, I would remove myself from the situation. My family is more important than a crush and potential ripping my family apart over someone who would not be with me anyway.

Updated

It is normal for crushes to occur. However, you sound unhappy in your marriage and PLEASE remember that the grass is not greener on the other side.

Think of your husband, what brought you together, your children which should be a priority. I know you would not want to break up a secure family for a passing crush.

If it were me and I felt that intensely drawn to someone else while married, I would remove myself from the situation. My family is more important than a crush and potential ripping my family apart over someone who would not be with me anyway.

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A.L.

answers from Atlanta on

Crushes do happen--we don't go blind and deaf upon marriage, so of course it is possible to feel attracted to someone besides a spouse. As the others said, it is also natural to have phases in a marriage when things are kind of ho-hum and routine. However, it's a terrible idea to act on those crush feelings because that's all they are--feelings. Put these feelings in perspective: raising young children (second child is toddler now, right?) alone is exhausting, and then add on people working for a living and keeping a household going. It makes sense that both you and your husband are taking each other for granted and not putting energy into your connection. Missing that special feeling is understandable. Throwing away the marriage would be really foolish, however, and if you keep following this path, you are at risk of doing that, or creating a terrible mess. First things first, now that you are conscious of where your mind is going, you need to take yourself out of the danger zone. Switch to a class with a different instructor, and avoid any direct interaction with this guy. Second, start investing some energy in interacting with your husband. Do some date nights, spend some time together with just you two, do some of the things together which you did before you had kids. Conscious intention and appreciating your spouse's good qualities can make a huge difference in how you feel. Good luck with it!

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J.C.

answers from Philadelphia on

Long ago i was so flattered when a guy started flirting with me. I was honest about it with my husband and told him it made me realize I wanted to have a boyfriend again and date. Fortunately, my husband took me seriously and wanted to be my boyfriend and date. We’ve dated ever since.

Sounds to me like you need to start dating your husband again. It requires some effort on both your parts to keep a marriage from growing old and stale. My husband and I go out to dinner at least once per week and we also enjoy drinks in our hot tub a few times per week. We have as much sex now as when we were first married.

Whatever you do, I hope you don’t cheat. If it’s over with your husband, do the right thing and divorce. Best of luck!

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M.G.

answers from Portland on

I wouldn't flirt any more, and if you go out as a group drinking - talk to others in the group, make sure you're seated next to someone else.

* Ask yourself what you find attractive about the guy - because that is very telling. Is it how he makes you feel about yourself? Because if it's a boost to the self esteem, you can do that for yourself. If it's that he comes across as a leader type, and self confident as a trainer - then maybe your husband is a bumbling parent like the rest of us - and it's a nice change. Remember, this guy would likely be the same in your husband's situation.. It's situational is what I'm saying.

That's what is true for a lot of these 'crushes' and why they never turn out to work. They can hurt marriages if you compare this guy to your hubby. It's unrealistic and remember - this guy just 'appears' to be all that. He isn't. You're seeing gym guy. He's seeing you (not wife and mother). Sure, that's fun and attractive to be - what mom doesn't love that (getting to be yourself no strings attached once in a while).

It's not who you are any more. Like yourself the whole package and focus on trying to light that fire with hubby - that chemistry is likely still there. It may not be as smoldering hot as it was in the beginning, but it's not supposed to be. It's different, but can be just as satisfying if not more so.

It changes - but that's a good thing. Flirting is ok to let us know we've still got some mojo - but that's all it should be :) Don't let it mess with you. That's why keep some distance. If you feel yourself getting sucked in, physically distance yourself at least.

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M.6.

answers from New York on

I think your "crush" is a symptom of a larger issue going on with you. You seem to constantly yearn for things that are unattainable or out of your control: a girl, another baby, another man.

Try being a present wife and a present mother. Try focusing on self-improvement goals that are attainable and within your control (going back to school or getting a hobby). Maybe a life coach or therapist could help you channel this energy into positive places instead of negative one.

P.S. - drop the workout class and find a new one. Drinking, flirting and marriage never mix.

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R.B.

answers from San Francisco on

I'm going to date myself with this reference, but: Warning, warning, danger, danger Will Robinson!! (Google it)

A crush is normal. But you are heading into dangerous territory. Boy, I wish I could talk to you for a while. When I was in my 20's, many decades ago, I was an idiot. But at least I was an idiot without kids. I did things that make me cringe now. I had some poor parenting, if that's any excuse, but still, I know all about these things like crushes and flirting and affairs, from both sides of the whole sordid thing, because I did things I shouldn't have, and they all began the way you are describing.

1 - No long-term relationship can stand up to the allure and excitement of flirting with someone new, so don't put your marriage to that test.

2 - Let's just say you allowed yourself to have an affair with your crush and you left your husband for him, -- in a few years he would be the old boring guy your husband is now. The excitement of a new relationship DOES NOT LAST. Anyone becomes boring to an extent after 9 years.

3 - Probably most important: You have kids. You chose to have them. You cannot break up their family for what will ultimately prove to be fleeting. If you and their father break up or have major problems your children will be harmed. You owe it to your children to keep their family intact.

4 - A little flirtation is one thing -- as someone below said, we don't grow blind and deaf just because we are married -- but if this flirtation looks like this might become anything more you MUST remove yourself from this situation, even if it means quitting the gym. There has to be a line that you just don't cross, no matter what.

Everyone else gave you good advice. I'm telling you from experience that if you pursue this it will end in disaster, and harm your kids. Don't do it.

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S.W.

answers from Amarillo on

As others have posted, I have had a few crushes. It is what you do with what the other person does or says that makes you feel great and "wanted" while the person at home doesn't seem interested.

Do review your marriage for a pro and con list as others suggest. Ask your hubby what his goals are in the marriage and see where you can help him obtain them. Also express what you want to have in the marriage. You two have a partnership and business that needs to be revamped.

Yes, there were one or two crushes I really wanted to go after, BUT I put the brakes on and went after my hubby. He said he didn't know what was going on but was happy that I wanted to have more sex with him. It helped turn our marriage around.

Now many years later and health issues, we still are together and doing things together that I would have never thought about. We go shooting at the gun range. We will be taking up some embroidery classes for the new sewing machine I recently got. Spent the weekend at a ham operators' field day contest in the outdoors calling people on radios under a tent with gas generators in the background. I know sound kind of weird. He said that he enjoyed the weekend just being with me and me showing an interest in what he does. Yes, we have children but they are grown and gone. The fur babies have invaded the home and keep us going.

Just do add up how much it will cost to file for divorce, moving into a smaller apartment if you own a home and how are you going to care and provide for your children on your own. Is it worth it to throw away a completely good marriage for a fling? Only you know.

the other S.

PS Grass is not always green on the other side - it come be cement.

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E.B.

answers from Denver on

It's pretty impossible to not feel attracted to another human, when that human is gorgeous, friendly, personable, and paying attention to us. It happens all the time. Movie stars are a frequent source of a "crush", even though the chances of actually meeting them are slim. More realistically are the people whose job it is to make us feel good: trainers, hair stylists, those people in the upscale stores who approach you and tell you your hair is stunning, bartenders, etc. But their jobs and sales depend on making us feel desired, desirable, and to help us forget the pile of dirty laundry at home and the bills that we need to pay and the vacuuming that awaits. They're good at making us forget all that for a few moments.

There's an old saying about two wolves within us; one is good and one is not, and the one that survives is the one who is fed. If you "feed" your crush with time spent out drinking after working out, if you find yourself going to more workout classes than you need to, if you flirt with this trainer and are receptive to his flirting behaviors, then that crush has the potential to develop into something more potent. If you work on "feeding" your marriage, by getting some counseling, by making time for your husband instead of the trainer, by perhaps getting some physical exercise with your husband (a bike ride, a walk, taking a class together, buying a treadmill for your home), and if you spend time with your husband and children, and if you create a peaceful home, then your marriage will begin to take precedence.

I'm not saying you have to wear pearls and a dress and heels and makeup when your husband comes home from work, or that you have to do something insincere. Your husband may have issues with work or stress that compounds your marriage problems. But I'm saying that if you devote time to flirting with crushes, that is time that you could be working on your own issues and the precious gift of your family.

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T.S.

answers from San Francisco on

Having a crush during marriage is normal. Only having sex 4 or 5 times a year is not.
Why aren't you attracted to your husband anymore? Are you just bored?
As someone who has been through divorce with kids I can tell you that a piece of dick isn't worth ruining your life over, and that's all this is.
Figure out what's wrong with your marriage and try to fix it before flopping on your back for some guy that strokes your ego.

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S.G.

answers from Los Angeles on

Yes, I've had "crushes" and so has my husband. We actually talk with each other about them and what we found attractive about the other person. Keeping the lines of communication open is important.

It sounds like you need to have a heart-to-heart with your husband. I would stop going to his particular gym class or have my husband join me so we can get into shape together.

This "Intense" crush is taking up a lot of your time. Why not put that energy into your marriage?

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C.N.

answers from Baton Rouge on

Feelings are feelings. You have no control over what you feel.
Actions are actions. You have one hundred percent control over what you do.
If you're going to play with fire, be sure to wear your asbestos undies.

5 moms found this helpful

L.U.

answers from Seattle on

You cannot solve a problem between 2 people by introducing a 3rd (unless they're a counselor!)
If you want to fix things with your husband, then focus on that! The grass is always greener and if you focus your water on the other side then THAT side will grow and the side you have committed yoruself to will die.
Sure, it's normal to notice other folks. What's not normal is acting like a teenager when you are a grown woman.

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T.H.

answers from Portland on

You don't have to answer this but it's just something to think on.
Is your marriage truly great right now, or are there some things that need working on?
Ok, so the reason I ask that is because feelings are normal yes. However, if these feelings towards other men go further than "Holy hell, that man is HOT!" and you're wanting to spend time with said person vs your husband, things could get real bad. If there are things going on in your marriage that need fixing, I suggest that you both work on it, if you two want to make it.
As humans, we will find others attractive and that is ok. Letting it go further though and acting on those thoughts, not a good idea.

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N.C.

answers from San Diego on

It’s fine to have crushes, but an intense crush is a symptom of what is missing in your marriage.

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K.H.

answers from Richmond on

nope..nope..and nope..the grass may seem greener on the other side of the fence..but, don't be fooled. that other guy is a costly mistake looking for a married woman to happen to...chances are good, hes already telling his buddies hes played hide the sausage with you...hes a snake in the grass..send that conman packing...

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R.L.

answers from Chicago on

I also think it's pretty normal to develop crushes on other men while married, I've had a few, so has my husband. But, the worrisome parts about your post are the lack of intimacy with your husband, and the actually going out drinking/flirting with your crush. That may be "normal" too, but it's not a good idea if you want to remain married.

You don't say much about your relationship with your husband otherwise. How is your communication? Is he a good friend at least? Do you still have fun together? Did you ever have fun together? You mention another crush before you were married. Were you ever really attracted to your husband? What brought you together?

It might be a good idea to work with a therapist on yourself and figure out whether your marriage is worth saving to you. If you have children and a good foundation of friendship, then work on building the intimacy back into your marriage. Put your energy there. If you're truly unhappy in your marriage, then it may be time to separate before you think about any other relationships.

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E.N.

answers from Orlando on

I think it’s totally normal, and I have also had crushes as a married person (but thankfully not anymore). This phrase is what really helped me: “The grass is usually not greener on the other side!” I don’t know what your husband does for a living, and this might sound superficial, but I’m going to say it anyway. Your crush teaches exercise classes for a living (or is this a supplemental salary)? Whatever your husband does for a living, does he make more money than an exercise instructor? I am guessing he does, because it appears that you are a stay at home mom, since you go to exercise classes during the day (please correct me if I’m wrong). Your husband appears to be a good provider. His salary allowed you to be a member of a gym, exercise, and meet a cute class instructor. If you divorced your husband and married the exercise instructor, would his salary allow you to join a gym and do everything else that you do as a stay at home mom? Do you ever meet your friends for lunch or dinner or for a drink? Do you get your hair colored or your nails done? Would you be able to continue to do that on his exercise class salary?

You do not live with him. You do not pay bills with him! It will ALWAYS seem better than it will be, but in reality, it probably won’t be any better. It will probably be worse, and then you just broke up your family for what? A cute exercise instructor??

I would look into improving your marriage before you do something you will regret for the rest of your life. Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

R.P.

answers from Tampa on

I think having a crush is normal. But you are putting yourself in dangerous waters.

I definitely get feeling one thing at home ( stressed, overwhelmed, chores, etc) and completely opposite ( flirtatious, wanted, excitement etc) when you are out and desires start floating..

But are you willing to lose your hubby over this? ( I always look at best and worst) divorces are messy and hard on kids. Is your hubby that understandable if he finds out?

And if you act out what will the outcome be? Few hours of passion? And after? Will you and he just walk away ? Continue? Relationship? Love?

You need to figure things out in your marriage hun! If it’s a good one and worth saving-save it. If not discuss with your hubby that you are missing things. Maybe hubby feels the same.

Best wishes!

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C.G.

answers from Cleveland on

Share your feelings with your husband. If he's open minded, perhaps he'll sympathize. You never know, some husbands find this to be a turn-on.

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