My apologies in advance for how long this is!! Basically what I want to know is, should I give in and go with my husband to his friend's functions because he wants me there even though I'm so uncomfortable its like pulling teeth??
My husband's friends and wives haven't been mean but not warm... I kinda take it as well, I'm their friend's wife or their husband's friend's wife, ya know? (we have all known each other for about 10 years).
I would prefer not to spend time with them because I just don't feel comfortable around them. They just seem...fake. I don't know how else to explain it. You know how you can tell that someone isn't interested in your conversation but it just being polite? That's how I feel when I sit with them. I am ignored and brushed off quite a bit.
To paint a picture... when we all hang out the boys sit together, and now we all have kids the girls will all sit together and chat. Yikes :/
My husband insists that I come with because he doesn't want to go alone and be the only one without his wife. I agreed that I would go to the next function, but he MUST not leave me alone the whole night. I hate having to be so dependent on him while I'm there- its normally not my style. I love meeting new people and talking to everyone.
What do you think? Do you think I'm bring rude by asking not to hang out with them? Should I just suck it up and try to enjoy it?
*quick edit to answer some of the questions already posted (thanks for your opinions!)
1. after all of these years, I have hosted our own events with other friends outside of this group and the part that makes me feel better about feeling excluded- those other friends have been treated in a similar way! AT MY HOUSE!! I felt so awful.
2. I'm not asking for my hand held or for them to pay attention to me constantly. I have asked them questions and inquiried about their families and so forth. I get one word answers and no questions back. That's hard to ignore. I call occasionally, more email or text- but maybe I should call more? I just feel like I'm putting a lot of energy into a relationship that might not be worth it.
3. I agree with the others- I'll be hanging out with the boys or the kids! I just felt rude if I wasn't going along with the group- you know??
WONDERFUL ANSWERS!! I appreciate each and every one- thank you!!
I will go there because it's important to my hubby with an appetizer/game/drinks in hand and a smile on my face. I will mingle with everyone and ask them all engaging questions and leave. haha
You're the best ladies- thanks!
Been there!!!
I agree with JL. The way I approach these is that I become watchful and "take notes". Don't contribute so that you can be ignored, just be there and listen. Its amazing the things you can learn when people think you aren't paying attention. ;-)
I feel the same way about my husband's work friends/ wives. Be glad you don't have to go on a family trip to a cabin for two nights like I do pretty soon! I'm considering going around eating food from random children just so I can get sick and get out of it!!! :)
You said you've all known each other for 10 years, right? That's a full decade's worth of functions where you feel uncomfortable? I would say enough is enough since it sounds like you've made a concerted effort to make these situations work. The only 'unless' is if it's something where it's less likely that everyone will be sectioned off by gender, like a dinner out to a restaurant where you know you'll be sitting next to your husband. Otherwise, your husband can handle going alone & if the other wives tend to ignore you anyway, it doesn't sound like you'll be missed too much.
I am basing my answer on my own experiences and obviously do not know you personally, so I might be off-base here. However, if these ladies seem fake, it may well be because they feel uncomfortable around you. You may need to try a bit harder. For example, my husband has a good friend, and he and his wife will hang out with us. We have known each other for 10 years as well. The wife will refuse to join in any activities and will play on her phone. She seems very disinterested in what I have to say. Because she is in my home, I try very hard to ask her questions and to be positive and polite... but I will bet you $100 she thinks I am "fake", because I AM faking it...it is really hard to entertain her. So I think you have 2 choices: try a bit harder to forge a connection with the ladies (and I like the input you have already received as in asking them lots of questions, inviting some new people, switching up the activities, try to eliminate the separation between the genders, etc), or tell your husband to go on his own.
I would go and make the best of it.
Go and have fun your style even if it means snubbing the other women and hanging with the guys.
Its so hard when one spouse has a group of friends and the other spouse just doesn't 'click' with their counterparts!! its no one's fault, but so awkward!
I'd have to say - I'd go if it was me. But I would be going because I love my husband, lol!
It sounds like you and these other gals have all known each other long enough that if you were going to become BFFs it would have happened by now!! i know it can b frustrating to spend time with people you don't have a lot in common with when there are so many other things you could be doing - but if you do go, set some firm rules up with your husband.
Your rule of 'don't leave me alone in there all night' is a good one! He needs to have your back on this :) Also, set ahead of time WHEN you will leave and stick to it!!! You don't want to get stuck just sitting and sitting and sitting - set up your rules and tell your husband if he doesn't play by them, he is going it alone next time out :)
It's too bad we don't live closer together because I feel the exact same way!! I have the gift of discernment (actually I think it is a curse!) and I can spot a "fake" a mile away! I am always uncomfortable in situations as you have described! My husband even thought it would be a good idea for all of his co-workers and their wives get together for Christmas this year! Yikes!! Thankfully, he either forgot about it or saw I wasn't interested!! Sorry, no good advice from me, but just know you are not alone!
After 10 years and you still feel like this? Does your hubs know why you don't like it? Does he hang with your friends? Normally if these were your friends you no longer wanted to hang with I'd say don't go. But hubs is asking you and in marriage....yadda yadda. It's only a few hours, and you will be spending time with him. Also most hubs wanna hang with friends solo, so this is nice he wants you near by.
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I understand how you feel: We recently had dinner with another couple where the man has been my good friend for 25 years and I have met his wife maybe 3 times. Over dinner I ended up speaking mostly to the wife and my husband is talking to MY long term male friend. We also had conversations with all 4 of us, and I enjoyed the conversation with his wife. but I still missed hooking into the male conversation since I had not seen my friend for about a year. We usually just meet the 2 of us for lunch. I like the answer below from J.L. and I would dress to the nines and smile the whole time and be super lovey-dovey with your husband, so that he can get all the testosterone bragging rights by having this great loving beautiful wife. I also agree that you should listen and see what female conversation you can hook into with a smile and a sweet comment here and there. You may not have as much fun as with your own friends but you can be polite unless these events happen frequently. I wonder if your husband likes your group of friends when he hangs out with their men?
I think you should compromise. Tell him you'll go to half the stuff with him (and keep a calendar if you need to) but for 50% of the friend functions, he can tell them you had other plans! He should act like a grown man -not a little boy. These are his friends and if you all section off by gender when you're together -why is it important that you be there all the time? He's a big boy -he should be able to go to some things alone!
How often do your husband and his friends get together? If it's each week, then I would say that I don't think you should have to go to all the gatherings but at least go to 50% of them. If it's once a month or less, then you really should go just because it means a lot to your husband to have you there.
I do think it's time to allow some new blood into this tight circle of friends. Maybe you can start hosting some get togethers at your house and inviting some couples who are not normally part of this circle so that you can have more people to talk to. Or maybe you and your husband can invite your best friend and her husband to join the next get together.
If nothing else, now that you know what these ladies are like, just limit your conversations to asking them questions about themselves. People love to talk about themselves and it never fails that the person who appears to be interested in them and their life will appear to be a very pleasant and fascinating person to be around. These women may not be all that interesting to you right now but I think you can fake the social graces for a couple of hours each month. Just know that they are never really going to be those really great friends for you, but their husbands are your husband's friends so it's probably worth some effort on your part to be nice just for a little while.
that's a pickle. i'm like you, there are some folks i just don't mix with well and i feel like life is too short to spend with people i'm not tickled to be with. i tend to be a loner anyway. but my dh prefers it if i'm with him and i do like him, so it's a conundrum.
our compromise is that a couple of times a year i'll go somewhere with him even if i'm not thrilled about it. i do it cheerfully and without moping or guilting. but he can't ask me to do it too often<G>.
:) khairete
S.
10 years of this, wow, you've done more than your time! Don't go anymore. Why does your husband need you there if you split by gender?
After this long period of time, it's clear you aren't gelling with this group, I doubt that's going to change.
You can accompany him, but is there some requirement you HAVE to sit with the girls. I would sit with my husband OR sit alone with my kids.
Suck it up and go, because you told him you would and also, that's just part of a spouses job is going with each other to functions whether we want to or not.
Maybe if you go into this with a different attitude, you may enjoy it.
Have fun!!
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Believe me I know how you feel!!!! I still go because I am my husbands wife. I still go because I love my husband and he wants me with him. I make sure to mingle with the men a lot, I tolerate the women as they must tolerate me. I do things with my child if children are going. I figure its not all the time and I can do this for my husband. With the understanding he should spend some of the time talking to me, Making it known he cares about me. Not much really to ask.
Is there some written rule that you have to sit w/ the girls? Or that the guys and girls can't hang out together?
I don't blame you but I do think you have ot suck it up a bit and go to some events. Maybe plan your own and have them come. Then you and hubby can set the stage and allow both genders to hang together. Invite some new people too.
Ugh! I can soooo relate to your situation. I too have to go and suffer at some of these functions. Two years ago I actually left. Just walked out and left. You know when you walk up to a group of women and they all stop talking and just look at you? I asked something conversationally, was answered and they all turned back to each other and continued talking as if I wasn't there. Very awkward. I have a lot of friends of my own and can't imagine any of them acting this way. Just very cliquish group unfortunately. These days I gracefully bow out (usually blame it on having to do something family related) and go to an occasional gathering and grin and bear it.
You sound like you have really tried to exclude yourself from these women as much as you can. I find it interesting that in all of ten years, you haven't developed a relationship with not even one of these women.
I don't agree with posters who said you should go hang out with the men. I think by doing this, you would be further excluding yourself from the group and damaging any future chances of friendships with any of these women. You may say that you don't care, but I bet your husband does.
Remember that advice that it's easier to make friends if you ask the questions. People LOVE to talk about themselves! Instead of trying to make polite conversation, show a REAL interest in these women.There has to be something you can flatter someone honestly about---clothes, hairstyle, children's behavior, recipe, something. If they're looking bored with your conversation, it's BORING! Be curious, seek opinions about something, ask questions---get involved instead of whining about how they don't find you interesting. It's because you go with the attitude that you don't want to spend time with a bunch of "fake" women and can't wait to leave. Forget about sticking to your husband--you're not 17 anymore. He shouldn't have to worry about you having a good time with people you've known for 10 years. Stop being a victim---no one wants to hang with me, no one wants to talk to me, everybody's fake, I can't have any fun with these people, why does he leave me alone, they make me uncomfortable, waaa, waa, waa. Women snub other women for a reason---it sounds like you go with an attitude of condescension. That's where to start.
