Is It Ok for Boys Not to Have Their Dad or a Male Figure Around?

Hi E., I think it is ok, I'm a single mom raising 3 boys ages 18, 15, 6, and I don't have a man in my life, but I do have christian male friends that take the boys and just hang out with them, I and my boys go to church where I live, I live in Stockton Ca, and my email address is ____@____.com, at first it wasn't easy, because I was dating this guy that my boys didn't like, and he and I were together for 3 years, and my boys kept telling me that they were going to run away if I didn't leave him, and one day it hit me, that my boys were right, I haven't been with him for over a year now, and I always ask my boys if I wanted to date someone if it would be ok with them, because I want them to be involved in who I date, and I want them to like them and respect them, but I have no one in my life now, and I'm great with that, there's no drama. hope this helps, Noelle.

I was in a similiar situation with my oldest boy. We split shortly after his birth, but felt it was coming a month prior. I have 3 brothers so they really played a really big role in his life. In your situation, I would also check out the Boys and Girls Club in your area. It is a place they can go to after school for some time to be with other children, have mentors, and be involved in leadership roles. I am sure it does bother them that he is not involved in their lives, but it seems they are taking this challenge on quite well. If they were acting up, getting bad grades then some serious intervention would need to take place. Instead of you spending all of your free time with them, get them involved in different activities in the community.

Im very sorry for your situation.Its real hard as a parent and especially for the children when something like this happens.Sadly it happens too much.I am also a single mom of 1 almost 12 year old and a 3 year old girl.Im so thankful my sons father finally decided to be a real dad.Its very important for them to have there daddy.Especially when they start becoming teenagers.We as moms cuddle,kiss boo-boos,nuture,and just love our little ones but dads turn boys into men.No matter how hard we try we are just not capable of doing this.We can do everything but that.The only thing i can think of is to hunt this guy down and make him understand what he is doing to these poor kids.I know easier said than done.The other option is to move as close to a willing male relative as possible and hope that they will get as much male influence as possible.I dont recomend a boyfriend that would just make them competetive and resentful.GOOD LUCK!

There doesent have to be 2 parents at all but you do have to know what they are doing AT ALL TIMES. I think your boys are better off with JUST you anyway. He doesnt sound stable. don't try and hunt him down and if he trys to hunt your boys down then make sure that it never happens. Its hard for a single mom to raise boys because one weekend visit from dad and about $1000 later and all your hard work over the years, keeping them close to you, leaves with dad when he goes.

Me and my brother were raised by our mom. They split when I was 5 and he was 3. My brother and I never had a male role model in our lives but I want to tell you this. My brother is one of those really good guys that every MATURE, SMART woman is trying to get. He shows it on the outside and especially with my kids. There daddy has been in and out causing mental and emotional harm to us for years and my brother helped a lot this past year by moving in and giving them a stable male role model. But he was'nt always this great. For a long time right after I got my first job and my mom started dateing again he went down the wrong path, because(as he says) he was just bored. He did'nt have me or my mom there keeping him company and doing fun things with him.

What I'm basically saying is, Make sure you NEVER let go of there daily activities. Always have them doing something. Give
them more chores. Keep them busy and STAY involved in thier lifes.
You sound like your doing great already. Keep it up. They will be fine. And remember to stay involved with the older one even when he is wanting to leave the nest by maybe asking him to stay at home to "save money" but in all reality to be a male role model for your youngest. You want to focus on the older one more right now anyway becuase, in my opinion, until kids are 10 years old they are trainable by us parents.

Good luck !

My ex-husband grew up with the same thing. It did affect him, but that's because they never talked about it. I would suggest checking in with the boys every so often to see how they are feeling, and if they do seem to be upset, schedule some time with a family counselor. Try to find a good male role model that they can depend on, a grandfather or uncle is great, and encourage them to spend time as 'just the guys'.

You can't do anything about their dad, and frankly they may be better off without him. Just keep being the great, loving, supportive mom you are, and I'm sure they'll continue to thrive.

Dear E.,

I can't give you anything but this: My grandson grew up without an attentive father, but lots of boyfriends who were really yucky. Even my daughter's father, my first husband, ignored him, my second husband (and final) was luke warm, my brother was distant, my sister's husband was judgemental, his father was whiny and more of a child than he was. O.K.? Got it? It doesn't sound promising does it.

His mother, my sister, and I were devoted and loving and tried our best. He grew up to be an intelligent deep thinking and FORGIVING son, grandson, nephew and has a good sense of humor about them. He makes really funny jokes about the mean things that they put him through. .....and he is as wonderful caring father.

So there you are . Maybe the boys will find their father when they are adults , but you need to stop worrying and love, love, love.
C. N.

It sounds to me as if you are doing a pretty darn good job. But even so I think all boys need a good male roll model,
And it doesn't sound as if thier father is the right one. Get them involved in sprots or in a youth group. Let them hang out with their frinds who have a father that is involved with the kids. there are so many ways for your sons to see how a man should be. I can't remember the name of the program, but it is a program for boys without fathers. Many young men volenteer to take the boys to a ball game, go out and do guy stuff, like fishing, etc. It's a great program.Ask the boys what kid of things they would like to do, and find some kid of group or program that atrhey can get involved in.
I thnik you are a great Mom, hang in ther, there is something out ther for your boys.
Take care
Melody

I think this is almost an every day acurance any more sadly.
I am in the same situation, I do my very best to be both mom and dad but as you know it is hard.
I believe it is okay if there father is not around as long as they have a strong home life, and the ability to be able to have a open communication with the primary parent.
I have done my best, my kid's may speak to there father's every once in a blue moon, but other then that it is myself and them. I am very involved in there life, and I do my best to be positive about there fathers even though I have a big difference in oppinion about them. I figure it is my son's choice to make there own opinion of there dad's. I am put my children in many activities and club's such as Boy Scout to help them be around the influence of men. and it has seemed to help. but if you have any advise you might have recieved that may help me please let me know so I can help apply it to my children thank you

I was in this same situation growing up. I have an older sister and a younger brother. My dad chose drugs over us, and we knew it. It did effect us growing up, but it also made us stronger and watching my mother struggle and achieve so much gave us the self confidence that we could do anything. My brother is very sensitive, he was raised with three girls! He also is now thinking about starting a family. He wants to be the Dad that is always around doing everything with his kids.

So yes, the might struggle knowing their dad is not around, but in the long run I'm sure the will turn out just fine and may become better men and better dads when the grow up.

Be the best mother you know how to be. Be there for your boys and they will be just fine. The best thing you can give your kids are love and support.

I wish you the best.
C.

The question is more, Do they have a choice? I think all children need positive role models both men and woman but there are many children raised with only one parent that grow to be healthy productive adults, I am sure they will face anger issues later but as long as you are loving, supportive and consistant you can be enough, you don't have a choice in it. I am uessing you have friends around and another good sorce is big brothers and big sisters for positive role models.

E.,

Don't worry about your boys not having a male figure around. They actually have men all around them all the time--male teachers, coaches, friend's fathers--so they can still see and learn from men who are more stable and reliable than their own father.

I was a single mother for 15 years with no live-in male "role model" for my son. His father left when I was 5 months pregnant and I never saw or heard from him again. But my son's babysitter had a wonderful husband (I worked fulltime and put myself through college, so my son spent a lot of time there); my son played little league for 8 years and had good coaches, and two favorite male teachers in high school.

My son is now 18, has an intense loyalty to me, couldn't care less if he ever meets his father, and is wonderfully well adjusted. Just last weekend, I was talking with his girlfriend (who is 21) and she said my son is the kindest and most respectful guy she has ever dated and that because of how mature he is, she doesn't care about the age difference between them because he treats her well.

I consider that a victory for me. Because that means I have raised a young man who is everything he should be. So, I guess in a long-winded way, I'm saying, consider the fact that their father isn't around a GOOD THING so now you can raise your boys to be the men any woman would be proud and grateful to have. Raise them to be everything their father is not.

Good luck.

Hi E.. My name is P.. And i'm kind of in the same situation. My boys are 13 and 7. And i raise my children single handedly. And you know what. It is hard. And i must commend you on the fantastic and hard work you've done to raise these two boys on your own.
I myself registered my oldest with big brothers/big sisters. This is a most recent thing. They won't take your youngest just yet, but it could be different where you are at.
Girl, pick your head up. Your boys have you to look up to. You need to show them how to be a man. And that a man doesn't walk out on his children and family. This is hard. But you need to show them how a man is supposed to be. Not much different then a woman. We need to be strong for our children.
Much love and respect,
P.

Hello,

My husband grew up not knowing who his father was. What helped him to this day was the fact that his uncles and grandfather stepped up to the plate and they were there for him growing up.

Now my husband has located his dad and they have a wonderful relationship.

If there are any male role models in your family maybe they will take the boys under there wings until they are older. You definately want positive role models in there life.

Hope this helps!

Hi E.,

My son is 6 and his dad lives on the east coast and lately has not seen him in a very long time, although they do speak on the phone. It is the most painful thing in the world for my son, I make sure he talks about it, luckily we have a close male friend who is our roommate and my son has made him hi second father, they adore each other, otherwise I don't know how my son would be able to stand the pain.

In your case there are a few things I wanted to recommend, first get your boys to talk about how they are feeling, otherwise the storm of emotions that are circulating inside of them will explode one day, it is effecting them both physically and emotionally and they need to express it, either with you or with a counselor, that is the healthy thing. Also see if you can find them a big brother, there are some wonderful agencies around that will provide some one who can spend time with them every week doing guy things, they will begin to talk to this person about their feelings about their dad as well. Yes defintely, boys need a male figure in their lives. Lastly, find their dad, it's not impossible to do, the district attorney will help you as he should be paying you child support. Talk to him, tell him that his boys need to know him, have your sons call him, if there is any way to get even a small amount of communication going it will help them. Good luck. Judy

E.,
I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I am not in a situation like yours, but there is something that might be able to help you. Have you heard of the program called "Big Brothers/ Big Sisters" ? It's for kids who are without a father figure or mother figure. Someone is matched up with them through the program. They spend time with them during the week,etc.... Im sure there is much more to the program than I know about. A friend of mine was a "big brother" to a young boy without a dad, and he absolutely loved it! It's such a positive influence on their lives. You should really look into it. Im sure you could find something about it on the internet. Good luck.

I was in a similar situation as you. But, my dad was a role model and now my husband is. My son's father is the same who also doesn't call, no bday cards, etc. Oh and did I mention he has two other kids with two other women, NICE hah. Just make sure you do "boy" things with them, play ball, run through the woods, get dirty, etc. Teach them how to treat girls/ladies, opening doors, letting the girls/ladies out of an elevator first, carrying your bags, etc. Any male friends or relatives you have that could take the boys out every once and awhile? My son is an honor student, and a nice young man (now 14)

E.,

I can't speak from experience because my husband is still here with me and my son...however, I can speak from a perspective:

My dad left my mother (and my brother and I) a number of time before my folks divorced. My dad made a "best attempt" to stay in touch with us in theory...but he wasn't available emotionally...it's messed both my brother and I up. I am 37 years old and still deal with issues it has caused me and I have a hard time maintaining a relationship with my father...and my brother hasn't spoken to him in 3 years.

So, now that you've heard my story, I don't know if it makes sense or will help you one way or the other but...I do believe that boys need a GOOD male influence in their lives; be it a coach, teacher, uncle, grandfather, male friend...whatever...just someone who they can feel comfortable talking to (in those cases that they might not be comfortable talking to you, their mom)...and someone you feel comfortable with and trust to share similar values that you have/want them to have.

It's sad that some fathers don't get how important they are to their children's health, both physical and emotional...but it really is THEIR loss and, as children, we do "survive". I feel most sorry for your ex to not be enjoying your sons while he can...I imagine he'll want to when he's older and they'll return his current attitude.

There's truth to the lyrics in that song, "Cats in the cradle" by Cats Stevens /Harry Chapin, ya know. :)

I wish you and your boys well.

I have had the very same concern with my son, he is 13 now. I got him involved with the boy scouts and karate. I don't know about big brothers, I had concerns about getting involved with that. The boy scouts have many involved fathers that take the kids camping, fishing, skiing, hiking, and much more. It is a safe environment where the boys learn from older boys and adults. The karate studio I took my son to helped him to learn discipline and hard work, the karate masters talk to him about things like setting goals and keeping his grades up and that school comes first. I wanted my son to have males involved in his life that would be around for several years, I was concerned about depending on that from one person like Big Brothers. Boys and men don't talk about their feelings like women do, but they should have a male that they can talk to about things that interest them.

My son as I mentioned is now 13, my daughter is 15 and their father has suddenly decided that he wants to be more involved in their lives. They really don't know him now and it is an uncomfortable and stressful situation for them. My son is very mature for his age, I think much more mature than his father. :)

It is better for you not to try to force communication with their father, this can be hurtful to your boys if the father doesn't want to be involved with them. When they are adults, if they choose to find him, they will be better prepared for the results. Your older son is already a role model for your younger son, build on that relationship and be the best mom you can be. I'm sure they will be fine.

I dont think it will affect them as much as you think as long as you're doing your best and giving them the attention they need when you can they will in turn respect you more later in life for being such a strong woman. I would discuss them not having a male figure in their life with them not so much their dad but ask them if a male was around what types of things would they like to do and if they really want one look into like the boys and girls clubs most have a "big brother" type of program that way they can get some positive male infuence but i wouldnt worry to much as long as they are good boys I doubt they are lashing out and resenting not having their dad.

check out big brothers, he does need to have a male mentor, whether or not its his father...