In the Best Interest of the Children

You need to take the guardianship papers to the various places and tell them the grandmother does not have a legal right to pursue these activities for the kids. This woman does not have any authority that you are not allowing her to take upon herself. You can stop this if you want to.

You and your hubby, if both of you are the legal court appointed guardians, have the legal right to rein her in.

She needs to understand that you are the legal line, that if she continues to cross you that you will no longer allow her to have part in the kids lives.

My daughter comes to visit us and see her kids about once per month. She knows the first time she talks back to me or disagrees with me when I am getting on to the kids that she'll have to leave. She wants to see her kids and she knows that she has rules to follow because it's better for the kids to see a united front.

B.:

You posted this question 5 years ago and deleted it.

What custodial rights do you have? Are you a foster family or an adoptive family?

Where is YOUR lawyer in all of this? I don't get how you are financially responsible and have custody- yet the biological mother and grandmother have a say? None of this makes sense to me.

Get a lawyer. Find out where you stand and what you can legally do. You need to make a decision - these kids or your family? If you can make it work with your marriage and family - then fight. If not- let them go. there is only so much you can do. You can allow yourself to be a door mat and used or you can take a stand.

Good luck.

You have a kind heart to take in this child, loose him (her), and then take the child back in along with his (her) siblings. You mentioned a counselor--who is the counselor and who does he (she) represent? Long term stability is important for those kids- Are the children represented (legally) by a neutral third party who can evaluate both sides and make a recommendation to the court. That's what I think you should do--if they find that you are the best parent for the children, then the court needs to sever ties with the mother and put boundaries on the grandmother to keep her from interfering with your family life.

I do not know how you do it!! I do not want to give a quick opinion, because you have done miles more than I think i could ever handle.

What does you husband want? How old are your kids and how much do they understand?

Yes, you're compromising your children, but in some ways they are seeing you be a more giving person. I really do not have the right answer.

You do not mention the State or social workers in your post.

Guardianship or no guardianship, grandma drew a line for the kids and they stepped over to her side. Juvenile court will always side with family - burden of proof rests on you that the kids belong with you (non family). This could be hard or easy, depending on the judge and grandma's mood.

Your complaince with the mother could work against your favor. The court could see it as you thinking the kids being around the mother is a good thing. They have been taken away from her for a reason...keep that reason alive.

If you lose custody, be honest with the children. Explain to them what happened and what you tried to do for them. Put it in writing so that one day, when they really want to know, it'll be there as if you just said it.

They may come back to you. These situations never give you a clean and easy break. They will always be a part of your life so the chaos and confusion its creating in your home won't ever really be gone. If you lose custody focus on the well being of your own child and give everyone time to heal, learn and grow. And always be prepared for that call when the mom can't handle it anymore.

Good luck.

You do sound like a paycheck in this scenario.

I think that I'd have to ignore the counselor saying to allow the grandmother in their lives, and if this caused World War III, so be it. You are paying for private school, so you can prevent the grandmother from making any decisions regarding the school.

You can tell the court that it's either you or the grandmother.

I don't envy your choices.

Get a GOOD lawyer. Make it go to court. A judge will better see the truth. Have good records. Back and forth is not good and you can prove you are stable.

B.,

I can't tell you what to do, but if it were me, I would be done. I know you care about the kids and love them, but if there weren't those clearly-drawn black and white lines, I would either:
A. relinquish custody to the mom and grandma and let them get the reality check that is coming to them OR
B. Work with social services for another placement for the kids.

Your child needs your full love and attention. I know that you care and love the kids, but how much effort and energy are you willing to put out and pull from your nuclear family at this point? It would be very different if the Grandmother was working with you and coordinating appointments with you, but she isn't. She doesn't see this as a team effort; she's treating you like a wallet.

"I know in my heart that going back to the mother will not be in their best interest....but at the end of the day, I am compromising my own child's future to have a healthy and happy home environment; and the longer all of this goes on, the more damage it does to my child and my own life. "

This breaks my heart. You obviously feel torn. I think it would be wise to talk with your social worker about finding other options, personally. You've said it yourself: this is doing damage to your life. Don't let it continue. Maybe talk to an attorney and find out what your options are. But don't let this continue as it is.

PS: sorry about any bitchy, assumptive answers you received here. Some people just don't get it.

This back and forth is not good for those kids, your marriage, your child or your family unit. I would contact the guardian ad litem and ask where this stands - are you going to adopt the kids or are they going to go back to their mom. I believe in most states, parents have a designated amount of time to get their sh*t together before the court terminates their rights. You and these kids need a clear boundary instead of never knowing. I would think that would cause a lot of insecurity in them also.

Good luck!

I agree with WildWoman and Gamma G...
What do thos guardianship papers say? Should have some kind of limits/boundaries on things - if not, lawyer up.
The GAL for the kids should be seeing to the kids' best interest - make sure he/she does.

Dear B. ~~ First let me say I really feel for you, this is a real heart ache, a real pity that children are treated this way, this whole thing is very sad. Please do yourself a favor and let yourself calm down and breathe and get some time alone to think and to clear your mind. I know that sounds easier than it is, but do it. Put this in prayer, real, meaningful prayer and let it go upward into light, into the higher realms so it can return to you with the answer to this predicament. If you're a prayin' woman and or religious, you may want to see someone that can help give you some comfort and counsel.

Now, you didn't say the ages of the children or whether these children are your sister's or husband's sister or what, but I suppose it really doesn't matter for the most part. The thing is with this situation, with these people causing problems and leaving the children confused and maligned, will only cause big trouble for your child, for all the children and for you and your husband. It already has affected your child, no matter how you look at it. In the big picture how will all this turn out??? Is it all worth it? Do you think you can work with these people so everyone can share and co-operate in raising the children so they can grow up with a sense of "normalcy" love and respect? If your answer is no, which it would seem to be, then let them take the children. They don't seem to show any sign of co-operation. They just think you're metteling and want control, when they want control and are doing everything in their power to get it. Let them have it. I know how horrible this may sound and how hard this would be but you may have to get really strong and let them go and let it be. You've done everything you could do, right. You say you need to take a stand and move forward. Do it. Your child needs a whole mother not one exhausted with the games and torment these people are putting you through. Do not let guilt come into play or confusion, anger or regret, just drop it all. Let them live their lives. Live your life and reconnect with your child and rebuild your family. Let the other children go in love, let them know you love them but have to let them go.

This is basically my opinion, I could be completely wrong. But if things are as you say, I'd be willing to bet I'm not, if I could prove it. Easy for me to say and I don't know you and I'm just a stranger typing out words. But then you can take or leave them as you choose. My advice for what its worth, above everything, is to pray and ask what is the outcome of this, what is the worthiness of it all, is it meant after all of these years to now let go? You have to find your own answer.

I hope all will be well for all and all manners of things will be well and I pray you find your strength and answer and strength in that answer and find it soon in The Light and Love of The Divine Source.

First, you would not be "relinquishing [your] rights" This is a guardianship - you have no rights to relinquish. What you have is a court order that says you are the guardian. HUGE difference between that and parental "rights."

It sounds like having the kids is causing big problems in your own household which is not good for anyone involved. The kids don't respect you because you have apparently not given them a reason to respect you, other than your purse strings. I would just about bet that you have put a lot of emphasis on the material things you can give them that the mother/grandmother cannot. That does not foster a relationship of respect.

You say you want to act "in the best interest of the children" but you gave that child back just because you didn't think it was "fair" to keep the child. "Fair" has nothing to do with it. What that child learned is that he/she cannot count on you to make good decisions in his/her best interests. No wonder that child does not respect you and he/she has projected that onto his/her sibligs.

You have no grounds for a restraining order so you can forget that. Restrainig orders are not issued because you feel like someone is disrespecting you or usurping your authority with the children.

You have one choice to make - period. Either you are going to fight to keep the guardianship or you are going to agree to have it terminated. That is the only decision that's yours. If you terminate, you do not get to say that the kids have to go to foster care. The court will decide where they will go. They will be represented by their advocate in that proceeding which will have nothing to do with you.

if i were in your shoes..i know its hard but...send them with gramma..let her handle everything from a to z.y.our child comes FIRST n FOREMOST!!!!...you tried to help-their taking advantage of you n hubby-let it go..great for you for trying to help..pack their stuff up-put all in car n dump on grannys doorstep..you cant save the world..but you can save your own family from anymore chaos...good luck..and with the money your saving-go buy you n your family something really nice..

BPDFamily.com

Look at the symptoms and see if this sounds like mom and grandma is her flying monkey. The have a board there and it would be a great place to get a useable answer for your problems.

Good luck.