What Can I Do About an Overly Possessive Grandmother?

I'm sorry that this is happening. I realize that not everyone will agree with me, but I don't believe that grandparents get to be in their grandchildrens' lives just because they are kin. Someone like this woman is an example. It doesn't matter that she loves the girl. What she is doing doesn't show love. It is hurting the girl in so many ways. She is actively trying to hurt the mother and child's relationship. This will affect this girl all her life. It's too bad that this woman won't stop without being made to stop.

The grandmother needs counseling. I don't think there's any way to fix what is going on if she doesn't get help.

I'm afraid you need to get more tough. She is badmouthing you to your daughter and confusing her. She calls the police on you. She won't let your daughter call you. You need to take her back to court. She gets zero weekends/holidays and zero visitations. To me she sounds mentally ill or mentally unstable and you should not let your daughter spend time alone with her. You do not have any obligation to her.

Your daughter's grandmother does not sound in her right mind. Calling the police on you when you have not allowed a visit? How on earth is that a police matter? Unless she has some kind of binding legal agreement for custody or guardianship Is there something more you are not sharing, perhaps a time you were not able to care for your child and there was a need for her to step in? Threatening you to the point that you were granted a restraining order? That should really be enough for anyone she has contacted about gaining some kind of legal visitation to say, sorry, no.

You daughter should not be confused because she shouldn't be having any contact with her right now. Do you live together? Do you allow her to babysit or is she a daycare provider for you? Is she just contacting her by phone behind your back?

Unless there are legit concerns about your child's safety with you or your ability to care for her, you shouldn't have anything to worry about. I think you and your ex have already been giving her too much. 2 weekends a month? Like she stays over from Friday afternoon to Sunday evening? Especially due to your differences and the strained relationship, that is too much and not necessary. Just because her son is away, she doesn't have the same parental time that he would have if he were in your local area.

If you could trust her to be loving, kind, and SUPPORTIVE of you, I'd only start with having her over for dinner and some games with your daughter for a few hours, or inviting her to a school event, or taking her out with you for ice cream. And if she can't be respectful at those times when you are present, there is no way I'd be allowing your child to spend entire weekends with her. Just say no.

If I were you, I'd be thrilled about having a GAL assigned. This person is an impartial person whose only interest is that of your daughter. If the grandmother is as "overly possessive and controlling" as you say, the GAL will see that and include it in the report. Unless YOU have something to hide, this should be viewed as a "win," not a "loss." Even if your daughter is confused because of the supposed interference by the grandma, a good GAL will be able to spot that and provide unbiased clarity to the situation.

Since WI requires that generally speaking, grandparent visitation is only allowed when the grandparents do not act in a manner that is contrary to the parents decisions in matters, I don't know how you could be "fighting... for about a year." Something doesn't quite add up.

Finally, I would suggest that you hire a mediator and keep this out of the court's hands and focus on what is best for your daughter and all parties involved. This is your daughter's grandmother and you need to take some responsibility here. You made a child with a man you probably weren't married to (which is usually how WI grandparent cases happen) and his parents have a right to be grandparents whether you like it or not.

Is the doctor's recommended diet part of the agreement? Personally I'd probably go to court and get every single thing written into the agreement (realize this means you have to hold up to your end as far as times and locations). The first time she breaks it document in email to her cc in your attorney. Do it every single time so there's a paper trail when you go back to court.

In this case the more you give this woman the more she's going to take. You are going to have to deal with her and her son as long as your daughter is a minor so get it figured out now. Also you can't control anything Grandma says about you to your child. If your child repeats something Grandma said don't get upset. Explain that while Grandma loves her very much everything she says isn't true. Don't put your child in the middle of your dislike for this woman and don't explain why what Grandma is saying is wrong or a lie. As your daughter gets older she'll figure it all out.

Are you living with this grandmother and can't keep your daughter away from her? That's the only reason I can think of that your daughter would be stuck listening to her or eating what Grandma puts in front of her. Why do you say you "allowed" her to be a part of your daughter's life? Did you have reservations about this woman, or is she perhaps the mother of your child's father and he's not in the picture?

If there's a grandparent's rights case and an attorney, that implies you are not living with her . Therefore, the short answer is that you keep your daughter away from the people whose influence you feel is detrimental. Don't allow phone calls or visits, and let the legal process play out. Your daughter won't be confused about anything that way. (Have you been accepting financial support from Grandma? That could muddy the waters a bit but, on the whole, financial help doesn't give a grandparent decision-making power.)

A Guardian Ad Litem is a neutral advocate for the child, and unless you have something to hide, should be an asset. No good will come from interfering with that, but as of now, a GAL has not been assigned by the court. Meantime, you should get good legal advice for yourself so you are not alone in this process. That means a lawyer, Legal Aid, or perhaps help from women's services (call a few shelters and ask for referrals).

There is nothing stopping you from moving to another state. I would start looking for a job and a place to live away from Wisconsin. If you can't do that move to another part of Wisconsin. This woman is crazy and is only going to ruin your relationship with your child.

I am not familiar with that kind of case or what would be involved (or why there would be one). Is that when there isn't involvement from the father but his parent is involved (or asking to be)?

How can she override your parental decisions? How often does she see your daughter?

I would just limit contact. If she takes you to court, and she has an actual case, just make sure you have everything documented that you need to.

ETA:
It sounds like you are doing what you can through the courts and have your ex's support. That's good.
As for who she knows who to listen to, etc. it does sound like she's in your care most of the time by far, so this should not be an issue the majority of the time - but I understand your frustration when her diet is out of whack while in her grandmother's care. Our children would come home and be sick from all the junk food (literally vomit) when they would get home from my in-laws. I never understood if it was the combination of rich foods, junk or dairy (two have lactose issues). Anyhow, we just learned to let it go. My husband tried to educate them on this issue many times. It was a headache. My sister said "Unless they are terribly ill, let it go - it's not worth it". That's kind of how I viewed it.
I ended up viewing them like babysitters. So long as my kids were alive, and had made it through the visit ... fine. I know that's low standards, but it was easier than trying to change things - some people are not going to change. I'm sure my MIL spoke badly of us. She spoke badly of my husband in front of us while there. She criticized my husband all the time - and would end the visit with "I love you! Come again soon!". Some people don't get they are toxic. Again, some things you just have to grit your teeth and move on.
Just minimize contact. That's what my husband decided to do. In the end, our children said they weren't interested. When they were old enough to do that, my husband ended contact.
I stayed out of it. You don't have that luxury - sorry :( That sucks.
Hopefully the courts will handle things fairly and in your child's best interests.

how dreadful. i'm sorry you're dealing with this. and you ARE dealing with it legally, so it's hard to think of what else to do.

you don't say how old your daughter is, and that has a big impact. you don't want to badmouth her grandmother, ie descend to her level. keeping to the high road and refraining from engaging in using a little girl as a weapon may be the best thing you can do.

and keep it legally, of course.

it's very telling that her son is siding with you in this matter. something i'm betting the judge will take into consideration.

good luck!

khairete
S.

This is very confusing, unless you are an unfit parent, neglectful, abusive, on drugs, etc. your mother or mother in law has absolutely no rights to your child. What exactly is going on?

Are you allowed to move away? You should not have to share custody of your child with a grandparent, only their other parent. I would see if I could get her visitation dropped and I would move away.

Your daughters grandmother?
Either that's your mother or your husbands mother.
What is a GAL?
How old is your daughter?

Why can't you and Hubby just get jobs far away and move your kids and whole family away from this mess?
Perhaps your lawyer should tell Grandma that if she's that eager to raise kids again maybe she needs to get off her elderly butt, adopt some and have at it - and leave you alone to raise yours.

You've given her an inch and she's taken a mile.
You're not with your husband?
Does that mean he's deployed and just not around to manage his mom or you and he are separated (breaking up)?
I'd cut Grandmas visits down to once or twice per year.
You are being way to generous to someone who's hitting you with a sledge hammer over this.

ETA So CSD is not involved with your daughter? Sounds like you've chosen to fight with Grandmother instead of finding a way to work together. I agree to the suggestion that you and the grandmother try mediation. I'm glad a GAL has become involved.

I also suggest there are more options that could end this sooner. Once one get's the courts involved it becomes expensive and drags the situation out. Too late to start over, however it's possible mediation would help.

Have you considered that Grandma loves your daughter and is hurt that you take away time from her? Again the age of your daughter is important. A simple answer for daughter being confused and grandmother's angry words is that you're.in a power struggle with Grandmother. You could let go of need to prove you're in charge by ignoring Grsndma's words and by consistently showing your daughter, in a kind way, that you expect daughter to do as you say. No need to bring grandmother into the situation. You know you're the mom. You don't have to prove anything. There are other more helpful ways to deal with each issue.

Sounds like you've been fighting the grandmother since she was born and probably before too so it might be impossible to mend your relationship with her grandmother. Do know that your daughter is caught between you and her grandmother's anger. This is seriously harmful to your daughter.

I suggest you find a counselor that has experience in custody issues to guide you in ways to meet your daughter's needs while fighting with her grandmother. She needs to not be caught in the middle.

I had to look up the meaning of do nova hearing. Is the grandmother asking to start over? I would see this as a sign she's willing to respond differently to your orders. Perhaps she"s willing to have a mediator. Perhaps she's considering how to respect your role as mother. She may be asking for a time out while you both deal with your anger.

I'm still wondering what her father's role in this is. Does he back you or staying out of it? Does he agree to having the court battle? Does he see his daughter or is he out of her life too.

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There is not enough information for us to provide an answer. First, your daughters age is important. What is reason for Grandmothers legal action.Usually it's for getting visitation rights. Yet it sounds like (daughter is confused) sees Grandmother regularly. Does grandmother live with you or you with her? Does only your daughter live with grandmother? Is daughter's father involved? Is Grandmother your mom or Dad's?

Is CSD involved? Perhaps you're facing custody issues in court.

If you're in a custody situation consider what is best
for your daughter. I'm only guessing about custody If.your situation is different, describe your circumstances so we can possibly help.

I suggest Grandmother is possessive because you're fighting with her. Have.you.allowed her to just be the grandmother doing grandmother things. Is anything you require necessary for her health. Is her diet based on a medical need?

Grandmother's.usually do things differently than parents and it"s.usually.ok because parent and grandparent discuss issues and compromise. I'm a grandmother who had a rough time,.at first, because I continued to act in s parent role. We both had counseling. First we worked on letting go of anger and starting over. Then we both compromised while we worked out our new roles. Now we are good friends.

Do you know that grandparents are supposed to spoil there grandparents to a point? Grandkids stay overnight mostly.weekly. They have different bedtimes and different diets at my house. We go to McDonalds.and have Ice Cream.at Baskin and Robins. Their parents are OK with that after we discussed reasons for my making those choices. With my older and first grandchild we fought a lot because we felt threatened by the other. Our anger.was based on the past and was really about past feelings. Both of us felt disrespect. Being a mom and a grandmother were new roles.for both of.us. We worked on our relationship before working out the roles of grandparent and Mom. We learned how our fighting affected the grandchild. My granddaughter is now 18 and still affected by those fights.

Children need the love of a grandparent. When we take that love away from children, they mourn that loss. As with all losses, the experience stays with us.

Is it possible you're overly demanding because of your anger that started even before your daughter was born? She was no doubt angry too and hurt by you reluctantly "allowing" her to be involved with granddaughter. Anger never ends a dispute and the one hurt is the child caught between parents and grandparents.

Your daughter's grandmother is no doubt not the best grandmother. Perhaps weekend over nights doesn't work. Provide a different way for them to be together. It's important to stop fighting.