Ok, my feelings have been hurt beyond repair. On Christmas Eve, my in-laws had the get-together at 6 pm, even though everyone could have been there at 4 or 5 pm. They knew if they had it at 6 I couldn't come, because I work graveyard and work 630p-7a. Well, it's taken me this long to finally forgive, and yep, they are doing it again. Some relatives will be here Sunday morning from California and at first we were going to have a big family dinner Sunday night. Now, my MIL called and said "Dick and Cherry" (not real names....my husband's brother and sis-in-law) won't be able to come Sunday b/c of church. We are going to have it Monday night because everyone except you will be able to come." I called her back and left her a message saying "if I don't come, then my husband and kids won't come either." (not because I am spiteful, but my husband doesn't really get along with his family, and I am always the one that has to "make" him go to family events. So, he won't go if I am not there to make him go. She called back saying "well, grandma called him and he said he and the kids ARE coming." I talked to him and he said "I did not say I was going." My question is, they will be in town until Saturday. I am off Thurs and Fri, why can't we have it then? And what have I done to make me not welcome at family functions? I have done/said nothing to offend anyone. Advice, please, mommas.
Well, on Saturday, Grandma called telling me "we are still having it Monday, but we moved the time to 5:30 so you can come too before work." She also told me "come as soon as you pick the kids up from school so you will have time to visit before work." I haven't talked to my MIL, but I am going to go and have a great time, despite her. Thanks everyone, for your advice/thoughts on this!
If you would really like to see "Dick & Cherry", see if there's another time you could stop by and visit. If the whole family isn't there, oh well.
If hubby and his mom don't care about the staying close, I doubt if anything you do will change that. Maybe if you don't "make" him go, his mom will realize that she needs to do something to change that herself.
Hello M. - I'm sorry you are going through this.
I've not read the other responses but really this may be harsh.
It sounds to me like you need to "divorce" your husband's family. His mother sounds like a vindictive snot who isn't happy with her life so she needs to make other people's lives miserable.
Ask yourself this - are you and your family better off without them? If the answer is yes - then divorce them.
Believe it or not - this is NOT about you - this is about HER and her manipulations and control issues. She wants to control her son and you. IT doesn't help that your husband doesn't stand up to his mother and demand that she accept you into the family. As long as he allows her to behave this way - she will continue to do it.
The easiest way to rectify the problem - seriously? divorce them. You don't need them in your life. Especially if this is how she behaves. You are showing your children how to treat you by allowing her to do this to you. Believe me - your children are not oblivious to this.
If you don't want to divorce them - stand your ground and demand better treatment from her. However, your husband MUST back you on this. If he doesn't then it won't work. Your husband SHOULD be the one doing this. If he can't stand up to his mother as a grown adult, then you have bigger problems than her poor treatment of you.
Best regards,
Cheryl
I would come straight out and tell your MIL how you feel. Mention Christmas Eve and how you felt mistreated then. Mention this incident. Ask why she tries to accomodate everyone but you and how it feels like they are trying to exclude you from events.
As for your hubby, tell him to put on his big boy pants and stand up to his mother and grandmother.
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Your husband needs to be the one to step up & say if you don't start inviting my wife then don't invite me & the kids.
well. great job on not letting kids and hubby go. yup. that is exactly what i would do. and make sure hubby knows exactly what he's supposed to do, which is say to them i am not coming if my wife is not able to come. next time make sure your 'party' is at a time my wife can attend. leave it at that. no phone calls, nothing. let them have the party. your family not participating will send a strong message, which is we come as a package. one can't make it, no one will come.
sounds like your husband is allowing the women in his family to railroad him - and you too, since you ask him and he plays dumb. sometimes men are so infuriating! lol. have you tried just talking nicely to mil and asking what's up? let her know that you are the only reason he usually goes to these things, so it would be so nice if they could plan things when you could come. yes, it should be hubby's responsibility, but that's unlikely to happen. i say try to make nice with mil and see what's up. then at least you tried. also don't be too quick assume it's because of you that these things are getting scheduled. if it's like in my family, there are a lot of different opinions, a lot of different people to coordinate. you may not be getting the whole story as to why it was scheduled at that time. good luck!
Definitely your husband needs to be the one talking this out with his mother. There's obviously miscommunication going on and it appears as though the inlaws are purposely leaving you out. I would ask her why that is? Good luck. Inlaws sometimes are real jerks!
Lots of MIL problems on this site recently. Hopefully you have been seeing them also and will take the same advise ... let them do their thing and stay positive with your husband and children. It's her loss to not be loving and friendly and please don't let it make you bitter (although it is very hurtful). Enjoy the holidays with your immediate family and make a new tradition dinner and celebration just for you, your husband and children. You will love the night and do not give the MIL one thought.
Obviously you probably have done nothing wrong. You should see my rant about my MIL. She only sees her granddaughters once a year and the first day she came down instead of wanting to see her granddaughters she went to a casino and partied. Then she tried to act all hurt when we wouldn't bring the kids down when SHE was ready to see them. I know how you feel. Also apparently she doesn't care whether you come or not. That is probably why she called you back to let you know that your husband said he and the kids were coming. Sorry I can't be a little less biased but I know what it feels like. I would not stop my husband and kids from going if they want to. Believe me they will probably get to a point where they will be like if you don't go they won't go. I don't plan on going if my MIL comes down. I won't stop my husband and kids from going if they want to but I am through with trying. I can't make her care about her grandkids any more than she wants. Sorry to get off track. Good luck and don't feel bad. It is not you it is her.
Well you are not alone. This has been a sore subject on this site for years now.
I tried for years to get my husband and his mother to spend time together, I think I am still wiping the spit off my face. We went to CA to visit quite often when we first got married. I would always call in advance to arrange this, letting her know when we planned to be there and when we planned to leave and what our plans were. I would ask if this will work for her and she would just say she couldn't wait for us to get there. As it turned out, she never changed her schedule once for us. She would drag us all over town so she could run her errands and then we were available to have lunch with her when she was ready. My husband and I would just look at each other while holding our comments.
Tomorrow, she and her husband will be cutting through Vegas and plan to stop by. She only stays for 45 minutes and I mean 45 minutes! We had planned to go to the county fair about a 45 minute drive from our home. She never asks what our plans are, just that she will be here. Well, my husband said the fair comes once a year and she passes through here about 4 times a year, she can meat us at the fair and park their RV there. Normally I would tell him it is not right, but I stopped trying about 4 years ago when our beautiful baby girl was born and was treated the same way.
I always thought respecting your MIL was part of the marriage, no matter what. As well, I was ignorant about the children thinking all grandparents would love to see their grandchildren even if in small doses. Forty-five minutes is hardly a dose, it is an insult. I just learned that my mother refused to go to my grandmothers house because she was treated poorly by my grandmother and my dads sister. She said she wasn't about to sit there and be a target. I had no idea.
The important thing, try to let your children form their own opinion. If possible, try not to let them see all of this, even if it means staying away.
To think, I broke up with a guy I dated before my husband just because the way the family treated me. It is amazing they are allowed so much control.
What has your husband done to make clear that this treatment of you is not acceptable? Has he told his mother that her actions are wrong? Has he stood up for you? We have a general rule in our family that I deal with my family's craziness, and he with his. I think he needs to make it clear that this type of behavior is not ok, and he must be the one to tell his mom that he won't be there. He needs to lay down the law.
Maybe it's a scheduling problem. Maybe it's just picking a time when the most people can be there. Or maybe they are really trying to exclude you from family events. The problem comes from you wanting to be wanted, and it hurts to be excluded. So plan your own events on what ever schedule works best for you. If you plan well in advance, and invite family over, they might have to occasionally send regrets to your mil since they will have a previous engagements (yours), but it shouldn't be a problem since their events are scheduled for when you are not available. As for your husband, it's hard to say if he's telling everyone what they want to hear or not. You might try a 3 way conference call sometime so everyone is on the same page.
Ask her what you did to her(politly of course). She'll more than likely be caught off guard and won't have an answer, but probably won't do this to you anymore. My moms MIL didn't like her because she was pretty and dressed nice, and would make nasty comments in front of her about pretty girls. She was always really nice to the ugly frumpy women in the family though. Maybe you're just too pretty for her and she can't handle it because she's an ugly person-inside and out! Wether anybody says anything about her behavior or not, she is the one who looks bad, not you. As hard as it hurts you, don't let it bother you. Some people just like being nasty ol bitty's! Just pitty the bitty!! :)
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Well, it's hard to say really because I don't know exactly how things are with your relationships with everybody....but all I can think to say is maybe they don't mean anything by it...Although you have to work nights, remember they can't plan solely around when you are available, and have to pick a time when the majority of people can make it. My family was the same way, they always had Christmas get togethers and it was inevitable that at least someone couldn't make it due to work, prior plans, etc. I don't think they are doing it to upset you, and I'm sure if they just didn't want you there they would probably have discussed that with you already. Like I said the fairest thing to do is to pick a day and time when the majority can make it, and thats what it sounds like they are doing. However, if I were you, feel free to bring it up in private with them and maybe just ask if there are any hard feelings going on between you guys. I mean, I don't see a reason that the dinner can't be moved up a couple nights, seeing as how they will still be in town, but again a majority of the other people probably have something going on. I know you were probably looking forward to the family dinner but another solution is to maybe take the visiting relatives out by yourselves and grab a lunch or have them over for lunch so you still get to spend time with them while they are in town, that will probably make them feel special too that even though you couldnt make the dinner, you still made an effort to spend time with them. I know how it is to have a family that seems like they just don't care about you, I have family that since I moved 4 years ago have never once tried to call, send a letter, come see me, nothing. Its like they don't care. Even after other family members told them I am expecting, not one call saying congrats, nothing. If this is how you feel your family is, don't let it get to you. Focus on you and yours. Good Luck ! Things will be okay.
