Juggling the Holidays

Ya, it's the guilt comments that they try to pull. You have a great system as we do the same. If there are three homes to visit because of a divorce, two of the homes have to split the day. Breakfast at moms, dinner at step moms. They have to know this isn't easy for you all. It's hard to spend all day Christmas traveling from place to place. Keep it the way it is.

I hate to sound cynical, but could this be more about power and control and less about wanting to spend time with you? It sounds like you are trying to be fair...hope they don't send you on a guilt trip. Good luck

Do his parents get along? Is there any way the 2 halves of his family can some how share their year? My parents are divorced, and I only get to make it to the states to see family every couple of years. When I come to visit my parents put any differences aside and we all get together so they can all spend time with the grand children.

D.,
I think what you have going is fair or is about as fair as it's going to get! I think your father's parents (both sets) should make their way over to the grown up side of life and put their differences aside and both come to the celebration when its your husbands side's turn. It seems if both MIL agree that the current situation isn't fair to them you should point that out that they both agree on this issue and its a start at working together on a compromise. I would also explain how COMPLETELY unfair it is to everyone else and everyone elses other side that the schedule be altered to fit them. The jist is that your MILS and FILS dont want to be together for the holidays, right?...I think it is an unreasonable request! NOW...with that being said...I happen to cherish the at home Christmas just the kids and us so you could always float the idea to your siblings about a 3 yr. rotation. 1 yr. your side, 2nd yr. his side, 3rd yr everyone does your own thing! If your husbands sets of parents refuse to spend their yr together you could always offer to spend X-mas Eve morning with Mom & step dad and X-mas EVE evening with Dad & step mom...IF you wanted to that is...That way you could still have every 3rd X-mas morning just you, your husband and your kids! Sounds good to me!!

WOW! That was exhausting! Sadly I am in the same boat as you now and wil be when our oldest have kids seing how I am part of one set of parents to my older two boys!

K.

We have had to explain to both sets of family that once my husband and I had kids, that our "family" now consists of the four of us, and the grandparents, aunts & uncles are now extended family. We get to decide which extended family we spend holidays with, and sometimes we just stay home to have a holiday at home as well. I don't want my kids growing up never having a holiday at home...

You might try suggesting (if you want to take this on) that every other year, your husband's entire family comes to your house instead, so that they all get equal time. If they're not willing to be all together, then it's not your fault! :) Stick to your tradition if your hubby is on board, and if they're making snarky comments, have your husband explain to them that this is the decision that the two of you have made for your family, and that they're just going to have to deal with it and appreciate that you're making the effort to come see them!

Hi D.,
I think you should keep the arrangement you have with your family. You can spend Christmas eve with one of his parents and Christmas day with the other on their year. That way you see both of his parents and it doesn't upset the arrangements you already agreed to. Good luck!

I do not think that you are being unfair at all. It is not your fault that his side of the family has 2 groups. My suggestion is that on his family's year, rotate Christmas Eve and Christmas day with them. The mom on Eve and the step mom on Day and then reverse the next time. Maybe this will help out. Good Luck!!!

On a lighter not, if your in-laws really get to you, tell them that you visit your mother one year and your father on the next year it is 'your turn'!

I can relate to your situation. My parents are still married (almost 50 years) and my husband's parents are divorced and remarried. So there are 3 sets of grandparents. They all live near each other (we are out of state), so when we visit, we divide the time. I set the schedule, which gives my parents almost half of the time, and his parents each get a little more than a quarter of the time each. (It's usually about a 2 week trip). As I see it, my parent should not be punished for still being married to each other. They deserve half of the time. And I deserve to spend half the time with my family. Why should my side be penalized? As you said, when people divorce they should expect that they will lose out on situations like this: holidays, birthdays, vacations. That's the result of divorce.

Don't be afraid to stand up for your parents and yourself by kindly explaining to your in-laws that your parents deserve half of the holidays, and they deserve the other half.
Good Luck.

This is a great arrangement and we use one very similar to it. Same kinds of comments from the divorced side of the family until their son, my husband, explained to them the arrangement. Since it is his family they will take his word and not be mad at him but they are far more likely to think you are bulling him into it if it comes from your mouth. Sad but true. Stick to the plan you and your hubby made and let him know that you would like him to field the questions/comments from his side of the family and how much you appreciate him doing this for you. Our husbands love to protect and cherish us but sometimes we "just take care of things" and they don't even have the chance. Needing his help and you receiving it will only strengthen your togetherness as a couple.
Happy Juggling!

The first to have a plan does set it for the rest, but that's the way it goes. If they ever had a plan, you could either accept or decline their invitation. It's actually very cool that you have this arrangement with your family, so the in-laws KNOW which years you have available! THEY could get off the dime and jump at the chance to host something and invite YOU. (First to invite wins!)

You could always try staying home one year! My husband refuses to go anywhere for Christmas. He thinks kids should spend it in their own home. Invite the in-laws to visit you. If you feel they need to come separately (if they won't get along together), just invite one set for X day and time and pick a different day and time for the other. If they both want to be there to open presents and celebrate on Christmas Day, have one in the morning, and one in the afternoon and evening where you have a nice big family dinner.

Hi, D.!
Why do some people insist on making the holidays a stressful time instead of a time to enjoy family and celebrate?

This sounds A LOT like my family. My husband and I also have 3 different sets of parents we have to share holidays with. We decided that our family consists of my husband, me, and our boys and we do what WE want to do for the holidays.

Of course we would love to see everyone, but that's not always possible and sometimes we just don't want to stop what we're doing and leave for someone else's house.

I think the every other year thing you have going sounds wonderful! If it works for YOUR family, then continue it. Don't let others determine how YOU are going to spend YOUR holiday.

If you don't like their comments (we also go through THIS too!), then tell them. The best way to stop rude remarks is by being honest.

I guess all I'm trying to say is, don't feel guilty! You're doing what works best for you! Good for you!
- A.

P.S. we lived away from home the first 4 1/2 years of our marriage and we spent every holiday season wishing we were "home" with "family . . . but now that we're back "home", we spend the holiday season wishing we were away and on our own! :-) Funny how that works!

Dear D.,

As Abraham Lincoln said, you can please all of the people some of the time, but not all of the people all of the time. The lovely thing about being an adult is that you get to choose who and when you see for any occasion. Families can be terribly demanding when it comes to certain things, like holidays, but remember- you have a choice.
I spent years trying to please my in-laws and after years of frustration and depression it finally dawned on me that it wasn't healthy for me to try to make them happy.
Do they all live fairly close to each other? You can do Christmas Eve at one's and Christmas at the other, and rotate that way. Good luck, don't let anyone push you around. Remember, Your ultimate responsibility is to your own children, and what is good for them.

Stick to your guns, D.. Your arrangement seems very fair to me and I agree with many others that communicating this arrangement and explaining it to your in-laws is your husband's responsibility, not yours. Coming from you will make it your problem and its his mother's and step-mom's problems -- not yours.

I'm married to a man who has split parents. His mother has always been adament that she gets her time with her "boys" and grandkids on Christmas Day. So for the 20+ years that we've been together, we spend Christmas Eve with his dad and the step-family and Christmas morning/afternoon with his mother. My parents don't care about the actual day and started having their Christmas dinner on the the Saturday or Sunday before Christmas, that way it doesn't conflict with any of the other in-laws and everyone can make it. Quite frankly, the Christmas's on December 21 or 22 are always more relaxing and fun with the relatives than those on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day when it seems that all we do is run around packing presents and pies from one place to another.

You're already accomodating others in your plan. If they don't like it, remind them that you could choose to spend Christmas in your own home every year -- just like they apparently like to do. I mean, who are the selfish ones here? You, the ones who have the children who are schlepping to other people's houses every year, or those who have no one but themselves to care for who are sitting in their living rooms complaining? You are being more than fair.

Don't mean to be insensitive to the divorced parents, however, their being divorced is not your problem. I divorced when my older children were young. I now have married children and one year they go visit inlaws and one year they visit me and/or bio dad. On the year that you reserve for your husbands side of the family, they need to be flexible and perhaps divide up the time so you can see both mom and dad if that's YOUR preference. for example: maybe you go visit his dad Christmas Eve and his mom Christmas Day, or spend 1/2 of Christmas Day with his mom and then go later over to dad's. It is MORE than fair to go every other year, and as with any divorce, his parents need to learn to share. Just the price we pay when we divorce sometimes. I don't think the parents should be putting you and your family in the middle of their choices. The kids always seem to pay the price. I love my children enough to let them make decisions about THEIR holiday plans. Stay firm and stick to your guns on this one. Do his parents live close by each other? That makes a difference to I suppose, but again.....not really YOUR problem.

D.,

Do your in-laws live near each other? We do the same thing in our family and our situation is very similar! We are the only ones with divorced in-laws. Since they live in the same town, we have found that it works well to visit the father-in-law on Christmas Eve and the mother-in-law on Christmas day. This is the same set up they had for their kids after the divorce. To be honest, we havent' done that for many years now. My husband would rather be home for Christmas so we now stay home on 'his' year. He invites his family but so far no one has come (his family doesn't make plans to see eachother either).
Hope this gives you some ideas!
K.

Once you and your husband were married and started a family of your own, you have every right to start your own traditions and do what works best for YOUR family. :-) If you and your husband is happy with the arrangement the way it is, then no one else has any say. Your husband should be the one to sit down and explain to them that this is what works for your family (and that the constant comments are not welcome).

The main solution I can think of is that you offer to host during even years (the ones with your in-laws). You invite both his mom/step-dad and dad/step-mom over along with any other family you would normally see on his side. Then it's up to them if they are willing to spend the holiday together so they can see you guys. If they are not, then that's on them. I'm lucky in that regards, my parents separated when I was 6, however we always spent holidays and events together. I know that's not the norm, but it is possible and great for your kids to have those memories. :-D

I don't know what you guys do for Thanksgiving, but the other idea is I have is that on the even years you do Thanksgiving at one house (e.g. MIL's home) and Christmas at the other (e.g. Step-MIL's house) - then alternate the homes the following even year. I hope that made sense.

I hope it all works out for you, but I really do feel that it's YOUR family's right to do what you want. :-) Happy Holidays!

Great comments here!

We deal with the same, but have NO divorced families in our lives...just to sets of stubborn parents who expect us to visit them even though they are retired and we work, they have no kids or outside interests but we do. They still want us at their home. A few years ago, we instead began to stay home with our kids. Talk about a relief! No more schlepping kids and food and presents halfway across the state to a home where nothing was on time (we're talking 5+ hours late on dinner) and too many presents - so many pointless gifts that your eyes glaze over, not to mention the kids on sugar and gift overload...no more fighting over whose house the other celebration would be at and having to put up with the rich in-laws showing off their newest house and biggest toys for their kids...no more being tired, worn out, and not enjoying the holidays...no more long car drives with kids fighting or passing out from exhaustion. Of course there were hurt feelings and some years later, they are still smoldering. It's no longer our problem, that's theirs. As for us, we are relaxing and enjoying our holidays like never before! Naps and movies and games in the afternoon...aaah!

Put your foot down and keep your plans as is. And make your husband do the communication with his family, not you. (Even though we did this, I am still the "cause of the problem" in my in-laws eyes, but oh well!)

Best of luck to you!

I think that with having such a big family that you need to have some kind of schedule or plan in place. I do not think that you are being unfair, it makes perfect sense. My husband and I were having the same problems with my family (which is not as impressive as yours, I only have one brother who is not married) but he very strong on spending Christmas with family, so now my husband and I hose Christmas every year and have both families over to our place. I know that is not an option for you and your families.

All I can say is that if your husband is ok with the arrangement then he should talk to his parents and make them understand why this arrangement is in place.

Good luck, and Happy Holidays :)

K. A.

No, you're not being selfish nor unreasonable. Divorced parents, in-laws or your own, complicate matters on many levels. Is there anyway that the in-laws can combine their Christmas morning or evening so your husband can have both of his parents in the same room at the same time to share with his sons and wife? If not, then split the day so you see your father in-law and his wife at breakfast and your mother in-law and her husband at dinner that day. Hopefully they live in the same town!!! Your boys are so fortunate that they have that many grandparents that want to spend time with them! Treasure the moments, life is unpredictable and no one knows what tomorrow many bring. Take lots of pictures and share the stories of Dad growing up with your sons and make sure that his parents relate his youth to your boys. Same with your parents and siblings. Talk about your youth and traditions. Incorporate those traditions in your lives, so the threads continue. May this upcoming holiday season be filled with love, laughter, awe and wonder!!! Enjoy!

Hi D.,

I know how you are feeling! My husband's parents were overseas for the last ten years, so we divided Christmas between my mom and my dad. Now that my dad has passed away, leaving my step-mom, and my husband's parents are home, we are facing the same thing. I think that whatever you and your husband decide what is best for YOUR family should be what you do. My husband and I talked and what happened last year is my mom hosted everyone on Christmas Eve, we spent Christmas at my husband's parents, and saw my step-mom the day after Christmas. Luckily, for last year, everyone was close by in terms of getting places, but that will not happen this year. We have decided that every other year, we are staying home and whoever wants to come and visit for Christmas is welcome. I want my boys to have time in their own home on Christmas!

Good luck!
C.

When I was growing up, my grandfather and step-grandmother hosted many of the family holiday events. My grandmother (grandfather's ex-wife) was always present. It didn't occur to me until I was an adult that this was unusual. As a child, I just assumed that we were all together because we were all family. It was a wonderful example to set for the grandchildren.

Don't make their problem your problem! If you and your husband are happy, that's what matters. For what it's worth, I don't think you're being unfair. It's an equitable plan. It'd be a punishment to your family for staying married to go to a 3 year split. You're right that divorce means things get split, often in ways that stink, but that's the way it is.

Hi D.,
You are being too h*** o* yourself.Anytime family is involved someone is not going to be happy.My husband and I have family spread out. His in upstate New york and mine in Denver.We do the best we can and yes someone always gets thier nose out of joint.There is other times of the year that things can be worked out or not.In our case we live on a farm, have two small kids.Also, my husband works a lot of hours being in management plus a long commute.Yet, we are the ones expected to travel.I still get a litte annoyed with thier comments but I know we can't please everyone.Hang in there. Take care.
P. C.

Hi D. \''/

I have to say 'Right on' Kirsten!....for saying "Put your foot down!" D., Kirsten is absolutely right, but I think your hubby should be communicating with his family. Sometimes, that's how it's got to be.

I think it is awesome that you and your siblings spend Christmas together with your parents every other year. That is a blessing in itself!

Since the mother and step mother have issues with your family schedule, why don't they agree to come together so that they can see you, your husband and the boys. It's only for 1 day. It can be a time to put all or any ill feelings to the side....if that's possible.

OR.....

What about dividing the holidays...Thanksgiving with his biological mother, then Christmas with his dad and step mom the next month over. That's a suggestion for next year.

When I grew up, I remember going from house to house. It was fun....and of course, memorable. We were passing out gifts to relatives AND visiting on Christmas Eve.

D., I don't think that you are being unfair at all, it just so happens that your family made these plans 10 years ago, and unfortunately, your husband's family has not done the same.

It's funny when people recognize you and really notice your plans and they want you to break them just for their selfish reasons.

Also, if they are making you feel uncomfortable in any way, just remember.....your son's will see how they treat you and will remember their demeanor. Little children see everything and they remember attitudes.

You have an absolute right to make yourself and your little family happy. It sounds as if this became a problem after the divorce, but, honestly, whatever the circumstances, you are right to foster the family relationship that seems so positive for you.

When I married, my own family turned their backs on us, and only seek what little contact they do now because I have two little kids. My husband's mother is WONDERFUL, yet his other siblings are not close at all, to him or to each other, making family get-togethers less than fabulous. You are so LUCKY to have a close family, and yet I think the complaints from his side may be more of a need for control or preference. Perhaps your obvious closeness to your family makes them feel second-rate--but they cannot give you the same thing you get from your own family...so I would keep those ties as strong as you can. Hopefully the pressure will lessen soon.

We split the holidays smaller than just one day. For example, we have Thanksgiving day with my husband's extended family. Normally, we spend the day after with my family. For Christmas, we do Christmas eve with his extended, and Christmas day with mine. We also do a holiday meal on New Year's Day and we move Easter around. Maybe you could invite your inlaws for Thanksgiving on a year that you're not scheduled to see them? If they're going to stir the pot, then they should put forth some effort to find a solution.

I think you do what works for your family. If it hurts feelings, then you explain it again, in a graceful way, but you cannot control how they will respond. And it's okay! If they want to spend more time with your family...tell them to do it during the year! It doesn't have to be Christmas to spend quality time! I think you have a good system, and should stick with it, no matter who divorces or complains! Maybe one day soon, you will all be able to get together under one roof and enjoy each other...but for now, you do what you can with what you are given:-)

I think you're being more than fair. Our family does the same thing and switch every year. I think you should think of a fairly polite but pointed comment on how divorce can ruin more than just one relationship and the effects can be felt for a lifetime after. This is one of the consequences.

I don't think you are being unfair!!!

In my humble opinion, your in-laws should split Christmas into day and eve. I definitely don't think that you should switch to every third year with your parents.

Since we live in the same state and less than an hour from both sets of parents . . . that's how we split the holidays. My in-laws get Eve and my folks get Day. They are both fine with it. Neither of the sets are in love with the sitch, but it works and they respect that.

I am sorry that you aren't getting respected!! I hope that things resolve themselves. And from your in-laws pov, at least they want to see you that much!! That is sweet.

Ugh! The whole HOLIDAY'S thing! I so struggle with that as well! BUT, my goodness, it sounds like you have a working plan. The one thing I'm learning, with my family is they SAY and DO the most hurtful things when you don't do what THEY want. Silly thing is, what makes them think spending Holiday's with them is even ENJOYABLE when you've been GUILTED to do so...??? I don't get it.
It sounds like your husband is good with the arrangements that are set up, and that's an AMAZING MIRACLE (not really, though...LOL...I've noticed that the women in families tend to be the ones that get worked up about the Holiday's, men just sort of go with the flow.).
Anyhow...I think if your husband is good with the way it is, and he's not into changing it, perhaps, since it is his 'side' of the family squawking, maybe you could refer them to HIM, and allow him to confirm your plans for the Holiday System...or allow him to help figure out 'a better way'.
Just a thought.
I sure hope it all works out...it's hard taking verbal blows from extended family...it makes me want to huddle up with my IMMEDIATE family and just block out the rest of the world sometimes!
God Bless!
K Marie

You are not being unfair. Fire back to them "When you decide to divorce you made the concious decision to divide things including family time." Let them know they can have every fouth year. It sounds like your husband likes your current arragement too and doesn't want to mess it up either. It is very important to show your boys what functional and disfunctional family's are like and you have that opportunity. You could swap Christmas and Thanksgiving every even year so you spend one with your hudband's mother and one with his father. That seems like a better solution to me.

sounds like you have it worked out. i don't think i would change it especially if your husband is ok with it. your in-laws can fugure out something else. doesn't sound like they do the family thing anyway. maybe you could pick another holiday to spend with them, like Turkey day or new years...
good luck, but don't give up your family time!

Well, since it sounds like your husband is OK with your every other year arrangement, stick with it. It's too much work to try to please everyone. If your husband's mother and step-mother want to pitch a fit, let them. If they want to keep it up, you can just tell them that you'll spend every Christmas with your family. Christmas is about giving...it doesn't sound like anyone's giving, but you.:)

I would say stick to YOUR plan. I think it is pretty obvious why these people got divorced. One or both are stubborn and selfish and just want their way or the highway. It's not about you at all it's about them not wanting to "give in". Apparently they never learned about compromise and compassion. Don't let them ruin life for you and your husband.

I have a similar problem with my inlaws and my husband told them that if they wanted to see us at all then it would just have to be on our terms since they weren't willing to change their environment. (ours are heavy drinkers and smokers and their house is like walking into a bar, so no, I don't want my children in their house. They come see us about twice a year and we try to meet them elsewhere down there but they almost always cancel on us.) Hang on to what you have and honor your inlaws by kindly, but firmly sticking to your principles. Good luck.

Hi there D. -

When my husband and I got married, we made the same "every-other-year" arrangement with our parents/sibs. It just made sense to us. I had learned this from my parents, who had tried to divide each holiday in half for a few years (we would actually do half of the day with my mom's parents, and the other half the day with my dad's--it was craziness!). Anyway, my parents finally wised up and started rotating year to year. My husband and I saw the wisdom in this and adopted that for ourselves/family. It is especially important for us now, having 4 kids (with a 5th on the way) and the added aspect of having our own holiday traditions in our own home privately, and then taking the whole family to a celebration at our parents' houses.

The way it works out for us (since both our sets of parents live in town near us) is that on the year we spend Christmas Day with my family, we spend Thanksgiving with his parents. On the next year, we spend Christmas with his parents and Thanksgiving with mine. Whichever family we aren't spending Christmas Day with, we spend Christmas Eve (evening) with to do our gift exchange. My husband's siblings don't follow the same plan that we do every year because they have other traditions with their spouses' families that they don't want to give up in order to see us on some of the actual holidays, so we have sometimes set up a get-together time outside of the actual holiday (usually during the week between Christmas/New Years) that we have a little extended Christmas celebration and exchange gifts with them and let our kids play together. It is special to have our time with each side of the family, but I also like to promote bringing both sides of the family together and not have to always have it be "your side" vs. "my side." Last year we had both sets of our parents over for Christmas breakfast and exchanged gifts with them and then we all went our separate ways for the afternoon dinner. It was nice to shake things up a bit, without altering the main tradition of trading off holidays year-to-year.

It is complicated sometimes trying to balance our time between the families, but it is important to keep it fair. This is a benefit to us and our parents/siblings and also to our children, so that they get to experience Christmases and other holidays with both sides of the family (unless there are serious family problems that make it impossible to be a part of). That said, there are sometimes special circumstances where an exception needs to be made. Being legalistic/inflexible for those special circumstances about our holiday traditions is selfish. I don't know all the details with your husbands' parents so this may not be the case with you. Maybe you could invite your in-laws to come to your house on Christmas Eve or Christmas morning for breakfast and stockings before you go to other relatives' homes. Or maybe occasionally you could invite them to come with you to your parents' home for the holiday (with your parents' agreement, of course). The holidays can be a very lonely time for single parents or widowed parents and it's important to reach out to them and be understanding of their need to be with family on the holidays, even if it seems inconvenient or not ideal in every situation. But again, I don't know if your MIL is single, so these are just thoughts that popped into my head as I was writing.

The point, though, for us has been to make sure we are developing our children's view of the holidays and the REAL reason for the season and not clouding it with family strife and frustration by making it more complicated than it should be; I would do everything I could to protect my kids having to hear of the sort of conflict you are having with your in-laws or your feelings toward them about it. If you are feeling frustrated and like there are things that need to be resolved with your in-laws (who sound like they are being difficult and unyielding about it), then you and your husband should talk about it privately and honestly look at both sides of the issue. Maybe come up with some ideas of how to make the in-laws part of your holidays in other ways. Together, decide if this is an issue that is big enough that your husband should have a discussion to bring a resolution with them and make some suggestions of ways they can be a part of the holidays with you. This is a season, not just a single day, that we can celebrate!

Hope this helps!
J.

This situation is tough for a lot of families but if you and your husband are on the same page do the schedule that you've already set up. Try not to let the negative comments get to you, but if they are constant you might discuss with them that you don't appreciate the comments and (obviously) it makes it harder to really want to be with them. You aren't setting the schedule for everyone, just your family and if they don't want theirs to correlate then that is their choice. A suggestion might be doing Christmas Eve with your father-in-law and Christmas Day with your mother-in-law or some combination. It drives me crazy how some families can get so mean and make what should be a pleasant time so negative and stressful. Know that you are not being unfair! Best wishes!

I would just keep what you are doing. You are exactly right! Just because his folks divorced should'nt mean that everybody else involved should have to revolve their schedules around them. That being said, I think your husband should be the one to handle that and not you.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. But I do have a few suggestions that may help ease things... if you haven't already thought of them. 1, have a get together for the "odd man out" that year, which you host, the weekend before or the weekend after the holiday. This way everyone gets to see your family. 2, spend Thanksgiving with one of your inlaws and Christmas with the other, and rotate it each year. 3, Tell them they can all meet at your house... or another mutual place... and sacrafice that one day/year so that everyone can be together EVERY year.
4, You could spend Christmas eve with one and Christmas day with the other, every other year.
If it were me, I would write these out as three options and send to each of them for a "vote", just so that you're not "setting the schedule". From my understanding, even rotating every three years isn't going to change anything for your inlaws!

That is a smart thing to do for Christmas. No matter what Christmas is always a stressful time for any one. I think that is only fair to switch years with your family and your husband's family. I would suggest if your husband's family is in the same town to do Christmas eve at one parents and then Christmas day at the other parents house. Holidays for my husband and myself has been stressful and our families live in the same town but we have decided to spend Thanksgiving with my husband's family because his siblings who live out of town come home for Thanksgiving. Then forhristmas we spend Christmas Day dinner at my parents. For Christmas eve we spend it at our own house because we live 90 miles away and want our kids to wake up in their house. This has been an issue for some in my family but you have to do what works best for your own immediate family. You just can't please everyone and you have to look out for you and your children.

Hope you have a wonderful Christmas!

S.

You need to do what works for your family in your house not the parents, in-laws, siblings.
I also come from a family of 6 and we are older, live in 3 different states, and have kids ranging from 5 to 35 so it is hard for all of us to get together on a day that we aren't working or at an in-laws or step-parents house (there is yours, mine, and ours). Oh and my in-laws live in 2 different states on the east coast. Anyway, we decided to have the Christmas with my parents and siblings during the summer as a camping trip, that way we don't have to travel in the crappy weather over mountain passes or through the Columbia River Gorge, we can get great summer/outside toys for the kids, and Christmas is a weekend long instead of a few days so we can really get good visiting time in since this is somethimes the only time we get to see each other. Who knows, maybe your family would like something like that, you could be together every year and then you can keep on the every other year rotation between your husbands parents or something.

My in-laws have made it a tradition for their side of the family to get together on Christmas Eve each year. They have six kids, most with spouses' families in the area as well, so we spend Christmas Eve with that family and the spouses' families get the adult kids for Christmas day. It's worked really well, and everyone gets to spend time with both families. That might work in your situation, where you could rotate every-other year between the "divorced" side of the family. The only problem could be if no one is willing to host the Christmas Eve gathering.
Good luck!

everyone here has given such good advice. And it seems pretty much the same. You have to do what is right for your family (you, your husband and kids). I think the 2 mothers are just upset, because they have to share the family or something which sucks for them, but they are the ones who decided to divorce and re-marry. Your husband needs to say to all his parents that this is a decision that you made together and it worked until they changed their lives. One thing you can try is on their year you all go to the mothers house on christmas and the fathers house on another day close to christmas, then the next year you have the in-laws then you do the opposite of fathers house on christmas and mother gets you on another day? It makes for a longer extended holiday, but at least you are trying to make them happy.

Good Luck.

Your in-laws are being petty. Stick to your plans, but make sure to let the in-laws know that they are most welcome to be a part of the existing schedule. Good Luck!

D., you really are very considerate to be figuring out a way to make your family happy with a challenging situation. So, give yourself credit for that, please. While reading your letter I get the feeling that you just want EVERYONE to be pleased or a least ok with the juggling that you all do to create peaceful holidays with your family. Now, I know you know this, but.... you cannot make everyone happy. You are doing great with the everyother year situation as is your husband. Your inlaws (?) have the problem and it is not with the situation. They feel like they are not being included so they are giving you a hard time. There is no need to 'resent' their comments. Those comments are a reflection of their own problem with the set-up and their own feelings of not having control. So, instead of them accepting the set-up and being grateful for the love and family time they DO receive, they complain and make what they DO have a problem. My suggestion, look up Anne Marie Evers on line and email her about the situation and she will assist you in nuetralizing their negative comments. She is a wonderful older woman who resides in Canada. Her specialty is getting us to think it the way we know we want it for the highest good of all. I really appreciate her words of wisdom. You sound like a great woman, willing to compromise and are feeling a bit put out by others inflexibility. Keep up the good work. YOu are awesome for asking for some advice. I think you ROCK!
ps I have a similair situation and can relate to yours.

It is your family and you are the ones to decide how to spend your holidays. Let your in lows decide how to share theirs X-mas turn. Stick to your plans, they are fair and work for you. I have a pretty good idea what you can tell your in lows but than I'm afraid that you won't have to deal with them at all for quite few X-mas ;-) Good luck!

I completely feel you pain. Both mine & my husbands parents are divorced. But my husband's father just can't seem to come to anything that is ex wife will be at. It's a mess!! He won't even come to our daughters birthday is "she's" going to be there. My husband and I have decided that we will NOT doing special parties/get together's for the people in the family that can't seem to let things go long enough to enjoy the event. Everyone gets invited and it's there choice to come or not. They are the ones missing out because they can't move forward. I would definetly stick to your schedule. It's what works for the majority and if those parents want to rotate years because their divorce has thrown a wrench in things let them work it out. You shouldn't have to rearrange something that has worked so well for 2 people that can't seem to make it work anymore.

Best of luck and happy holidays!!

Thats a tough one. We also do the every-other-year schedule with our families, and it's working fine (if we spend Thanksgiving with my family, then we spend Christmas with the in-laws, and the next year we switch it). If your families live close enough for Christmas Day travel, you could consider Christmas Eve (and morning?) with one set and then Christmas afternoon/evening with another set. Or simply say, "This is what we're doing this year and I really hope you'll be able to join us for X or Y" or "We'll be at our house on Christmas Eve and we want to host you. Please come." If your MIL and step MIL are older and traveling is difficult for them, then I realize this won't help you very much. Good luck!

I think you are an amazing, fair, and kind person who is being picked at by ungrateful in-laws who want to have THIER cake --regardless of the cost to you--. You have a system that works pretty well- and unless you and your husband want to do something different -- don't---

( I've good kids - 37--32=== and 26 -- and boy do I count my blessings!!)

J.

D.,

I am with you on this arrangement. It is fair and by the way did you or your husband ask that his parents divorce?! I am in the same situation, oldest of four and my husband is the youngest of three an his parents have been divorced for 20 yeras. We are the only ones on his side that have kids, so we get pressure every year to go to Oregon to see his Dad, two years ago we were going to see him and then my Mother in law (she lives near the OR border and is a wonderful person). Anyway, my husbands brothers were going to my father in laws and myself and my oldest son got the stomach flu, needless say we didn't make it down for Christmas. On the evening we were supposed to be having dinner at my father in laws he proceeded to call and tell me how I missed the best prime rib dinner! This is after he gave my husband the guilt trip for two days. Who cares about prime rib when they have been getting sick!

Anyway, my family live 25 minutes from us, my siblings have kids, Christmas eve is a blast we have a pot luck and somtimes Santa comes to see the kids. So there is no way I am missing Christmas with my family every year! Plus,a few years back my youngest sister moved to Virginia and she only come every other year. This year she and her husband will be here with their new baby. Last night my father in law called and asked about the holidays and my husband said we were spending it with my family, but we are open for Thanksgiving. So we may be havig Turkey at th coast. If I had my choice we would spend Thanksgiving with his family ever year and Christmas with mine every year. I do have to say that my husband said he would rather not travel a Christmas and likes to be home.

Last year I planned a wonderful Thanksgiving here and had it all with my husbands family so they knew we would not be there for Christmas. But, then the guilt set in and my husband said we would come after Christmas and it never happened, due to weather.

Sorry for the long story, but I wanted you to know you are not the only one in this boat. Your plan sounds like it works great, on the off years for your in laws, they should go on a trip or spend it with friends. You can't change your plans for other people.

Hope this helps!?

Hello. What if you threw in a Christmas Eve? Just pretend its Christmas with the gifts and food and stuff. We do that now with my husbands side of the family. We all get together on Christmas eve and its a huge bash. Then on Christmas itself we'll hit my mom's house for the afternoon. (She's divorced, but dad is out of state and doesn't care much.)

Maybe that would give you the extra day for rotation and then maybe you wouldn't get as many of those stabbing little comments.

I hope this gives you something to consider. I know it can be tough.

Good luck!
S.

I guess we have the opposite problem. My husbands parents are deceased and we only have my mom who lives in Maryland and we live in Wasilla, Alaska. We haven't been able to show our son who's almost 2 much family time except friends and some Aunts and Uncle on my husbands side. My suggestion is that you keep your rotation and on the odd year have Thanksgiving at one and Christmas at the other. If that doesn't work share and have Christmas eve at one. Christmas morning at home and then Christmas dinner at the other. Or variations of this. Good luck to you. Enjoy even the bad times because my husband and I would love to talk over issues but no one is there to even give us bad advice. We are happy and so is our son, we would just love to have family closer.

I think that the years that you are not with your family (I think the even years)you can spend it with his family, But on those even years you can switch back and forth between Christmas Eve and Christmas. So odd year is with your entire family, even year you would see dad-in-law Christmas Eve and mom-in-law on Christmas. And then the next even year dad-in-law would be Christmas day and mom-in-law would have Christmas Eve.

Or, you could be with both in-laws on Christmas, but just a different times. Have morning breakfast at dads and Christmas dinner at moms.

I know you said that the in-law live out of town. Do they live out of town in the same city? If not then they would have to rotate as you suggested.

It doesn't sound like they can get along, so your way may be the only way. Good Luck.

Are you kidding me? You honestly see this as fair? God forbid you and your husband divorce and both remarry. And your daughter in law decides Not my fault. My parents are married. I choose to spend every other holiday with MY family and siblings (we are all married as well as my parents). Why should I miss out seeing MY parents and siblings every other year. That is fair. One day you will be in that situation and good luck seeing fairness in it then.

D.-

The decision is yours and your husband's. Your in-laws are being petty. If they don't usually make plans any way, they are just acting like little kids. (Hmmm, wonder why THEY ended up divorced.) Just because they got divorced doesn't mean your family has to juggle.

Stay the course. They can always visit before or after the holidays; if the point really is to spend time with you.

D.,

This sounds so familar! I have been married for 20 yrs and we have always split our holidays 50-50. My parents are divorced so I had your husbands family issues. Family dynamics are never easy, especially when there are divorces involved. I am sorry for the stress that family is causing you. But they are family, we dont pick them we only love them for all their quirks. I totally agree that spliting time 1/2 and 1/2 with your family and his is appropriate and it is fair. If his parents were together the 50-50 would be ok with his mom i assume, this is no difference .. how his family divides thier half is up to them. Did the mom in-laws ever consider spending a holiday meal together to see the grandchildren maybe? Stand firm! and your hubby should not only stand with you on this but stick up for you too. Good luck!

I am the oldest of 5. Stay with what works best for YOU! We tried juggling families. We live less than 2 miles from either set of parents. I was tired of being miserable and we spend the holidays where we enjoy our time with who we are spending it with, even if that means staying home sometimes or going to a friends house instead of a family member. You want happy memories, not miserable ones.

I don't have enough information to know if this will work, but do the inlaws that are divorced live in the same town as each other? If so, on the inlaws year, you could celebrate with one on the 24th and one on the 25th. My family has started having Thanksgiving on the Saturday before Thanksgiving so that we can celebrate thanksgiving with inlaws on Thanksgiving. Your whole family should not have to abide by their rotation. Your side one year his side the next, whether it's mom or dad. See if you can work them both in that year, adding a day to celebrate. If they are not happy with that, tell them that they should celebrate together with their son and his family.?
good luck with that.

My opinion, for what it's worth - do not let the in-laws put you in the middle of their divorce. It sounds to me like the argument is really between them anyway, and you are being asked to either solve their problem for them or choose a side.

You and your husband already have in place a system that works for you. As long as he is not the one who has a problem with the way things are, I'd tell the mom and step-mom that you already have a way to divide time equally between the two sides of the family in your own marriage, and how they handle the every other year that they get is up to them, not you. It would be unfair to you and your side of the family to alter your agreement because your husband's mom and step-mom cannot reach an agreement of their own.

Of course, if your husband is dissatisfied with the system in place, that changes everything. Then this becomes something that the two of you need to work out.

Hope that helps.

D.,

It sounds to me like you guys have a wonderful compromise worked out that your two MIL's don't like for whatever reason. Everyone else seems to be on board and accepting. Since it's your husband's side of the family I would ask him to step up and say that their griping is annoying, irritating, and that they need to get over it because it works for everyone else but them. And that you would like the snide comments to cease and desist.

Okay, that sounds a little confrontational, but that's me. Maybe y'all can come up with something a little more tactful. :)

Hope this helps,
Melissa

PS This sounds like my family situation. We usually do Thanksgiving with my family, day after with my in-laws, then Christmas or Christmas Eve with my in-laws and the other day with my family; or some such. This may change this year because most of my family has moved out of town. Thankfully my in-laws are wonderfully understanding people that only ask for one holiday.