I Want a Divorce and He Does Not - Round 2 - Canton,MA

I hope you are able to figure something out, because in my mind he gets NO credit for showing his daughters how to be a husband, drinking, not paying his bills and ABUSING THEIR MOTHER.
It doesn't matter how fun he is or how "good" he is with them, he is teaching them what to look for in a man.
Do you really want your girls to grow up repeating this pattern?
I don't think you are putting your girls first here, I think you're scared (which is totally understandable!)
Please take a step back and look at the bigger picture. You just posted the other day about how your daughters already don't respect you. You need to be strong for them, if not for yourself. They deserve better than this.

I'm sorry but the solution if you have to divorce is you have to live in the same school district as the kids and near their dad so they can go back and forth between your houses. You have to figure out how to make it work financially...you both get small apartments for example. Get rid of the house. You work full time. If you can never forgive and forget and your marriage is truly awful then...yes...get a divorce. But you have to make a life for yourself right there. sorry. My friends who have divorced all say it is VERY hard financially. You both have to downsize. You have to scrimp and be super frugal. Some kid activities have to be dropped. Drop the cable TV, get rid of the smart phones, get rid of the car payment, no eating out, YMCA camp instead of the expensive camp, etc. It's just life and being realistic. Sadly, life often doesn't end up how we wish it did and we have to suck it up. It is more important for your kids to live near their father than for you to have the support of your parents. Try to get your parents to move near you. But don't rely on parents anyway...they soon get too elderly to help with kids. Mine are. It happens fast. Then you are taking care of both your kids and your parents which is exhausting. Also...don't say you will never be happy or that staying near your ex is putting your kid's happiness before yours. Be realistic. Find a new happiness. Don't cling to the thought that living elsewhere is what will make you happy. Make your own new life and new happiness where you are.

Continue therapy.
It's the best way to talk out your feelings and come up with a plan to move forward.
You have a right to your own happiness and a happy parents is good for the kids.
Activities can be found everywhere - so can friends.
People move for jobs all the time - and kids adapt - and they aren't in high school yet (moving while in high school can be done but it's more disruptive then - at the ages they are now it is not so bad).
You feel you need your family for support - and wish to move where they are.
Which is why looking for more affordable towns in your current state won't help - your family won't be there.
If your husband wants to be near his kids, he can get a new job and move to be closer to where you move to.

Thing is, he can petition the court to not allow you to move out of state. They can rule in his favor too. You need to start, right now, getting on lists for lower income housing or finding a less expensive place to live. Period.

Plus your kids need to have their visitation with their dad. He can sue you for custody if he's able to support them too. You need to visit with your attorney about this as soon as possible.

If you have friends, and a job you love, don't give up on the idea that you can't support yourself. Just keep researching housing options and potential budgeting numbers that keep you close enough to your job. Talk to your family about your circumstances. Maybe they can help somehow, even from a distance. Start saving as much money as you can. Rethink what you really need for housing and transportation to be happy. Maybe you can downsize to a less expensive part of town, drive a used car, move within walking distance to your job or the kids' school etc. I'd be looking into frugal living options if you are really miserable in your marriage. Rethink everything. Restaurant meals, and that you and your kids may qualify for assistance with health insurance or meals or activity scholarships. Maybe check out a women's shelter for resources and ideas from people who have a lot of experience for helping women start an independent life in your area.

My friends who have divorced all feel guilty - so I think that's a natural reaction.

They feel like they are tearing their kids' lives apart. It's unfortunate, but kids with parents in an unhappy marriage go through a lot too.

I think there's a greater chance you'll be happier and your kids will adjust then it being a happy household if you stay.

Did you do any counseling together, or do you just know you're done?

Kids adjust to moves. My kids did at that age. Within months they had adapted and had new buds by the end of the first school year. They were busy making pals that whole year - we just put them in activities and that helped.

Could he maintain full physical custody since he can afford the house and you can get a small place that allows for visitation? He could agree to waving any child support from you and you can both agree to revisit the situation if your able to better support yourself in the future.

Hmmmmm . . . I guess I don't believe that you HAVE to move out of state in order to make ends meet. Honestly, that sounds like an excuse. Perhaps you need to adjust your idea of where and how you need to live in order to make things work. According to you, you pay for gymnastics and rock climbing lessons with your own money . . . use that money for rent/utilities and start there. Where else are you spending money unnecessarily? How about your job? Yes, you "love it" but is it maximizing your earning potential?

Work on figuring out how to stay local and share custody of the kids. If you truly are interested in making everyone as happy as possible, that sounds like the solution: you are divorced/not living together, and the kids and dad still can see each other.

G.,

You need to change your situation in many ways. You still need counseling to get over your anger and hurt in order to be a happy person. You seem to have a LOT of anger. I don't blame you. But you can't successful co-parent with that amount of anger.

Your previous posts state that your daughters are rude and disrespectful to you. Are they still? Has that changed? Has your family done counseling? NOT just you and your husband - but the WHOLE family?

I don't think it's fair to your children to remove them from their known environment. Can you get a better paying job? Can you get financial aid from the state? Talk to your current employer about your financial needs and see if they can help promote you to a higher paying position?

I think it's great that you have done so much - but you also need to forgive yourself and that counseling you have been going to hasn't shown you how to do that. You need to figure out WHY you refuse to forgive. Not forget - but forgive.

If your husband IS making changes that are in the RIGHT DIRECTION - he's showing you he's trying. You really need to take a step back and think about what you want, how this is going to change you, your daughters and their lives. DO you have a job secured in the new location? Will you be able to provide adequately for your daughters and yourself? Will they be in a better situation - better schools, etc.? Or is this just for you? and what YOU want?

Your husband has every right to petition the court and get full custody of the kids, and seeing that he is trying? He might get his way. Can you afford the legal fees involved in this case?

so much to think about. List your pros and cons. Find out what it would take to stay in the same area...your daughters aren't toddlers either - so the court WILL listen to them as well. What will THEY say about you?"