Thinking About Divorce... 7 1/2 Months Pregnant

How does he feel about divorce VS staying together? would he be willing to change to keep his family together? If so you need to go to counseling and read all the books we keep recommending here on MamaPedia about having a better marriage. There is no rush to end this marriage, you could really use the support of another adult with two babies and a young child. Take some time, give this a YEAR a year for the sake of those kids!

Looks pretty grim if you leave. He has his life together, takes care of himself, has a job and does what he needs to do to keep himself feeling content. You on the other hand are relying on him for your happiness quotient. Since you say you dont love him he can't upset you too much because you just dont care anymore so don't get into a huge rush with a divorce since you have no where to go and it will just end up with you being taken care of by someone else until you find a job, and 25k a year isnt going to pay your rent or feed and clothe your kids all by itself, you will need some child support for that.
The court will probably give you joint custody, meaning he will have the kids part of the time and your support payment wont be huge.
I'd use the time you have now, and since you dont love him he cant hurt you, to look for that perfect job, look for the perfect daycare, get yourself back into shape, etc. Once you know how much daycare will be and where you'll be working it will be easier for the court to decide what type of monthly support your ex will be providing. Chances are he will have to sell the house and all of that takes a lot of time. It's not reasonable to think he can support you and himself once you move out. Since you arent fighting or in any danger of being abused make the most of this time and just be a roommate, pretend you dont have a husband, practice it.
All marriages have glitches, we can weather most of them. You arent feeling desirable right now and you are projecting that to him and his own self esteem is not allowing you to bring him down to your level and he's gonna do what he's gonna do. He's emotionally immature, this is obvious. And you may be as well. Relationships are give and take. What great things do you do for each other on a regular basis? If you are sitting around waiting for something to happen you are going backwards. Men love the thrill of the chase, that instinct never goes away. If you want him back on track you can work on luring him in like you did when you met him and decided you wanted him to father your children. OR, you can pack your bags and move out and wait for the fallout.
Personally, I'd work on myself and my marriage since you have two kids and one in the oven. Why would you talk about divorce when you are 7mos pregnant and hormonal? It's not a good time to make permanent decisions at all whatsoever.
I hope things get better for you.
If you have an obsession about him cheating you have way too much time on your hands and you shouldnt be with someone you cant trust. Will you trust the next guy or will you think he's a potential cheater too? Trust issues come from our own insecurities. If you feel you arent doing your best to make a marriage a good place to be .. you get worried that they might leave and find something better. You married him knowing full well he was a cheater so you've sort of made your own bed. Only you know what you can live with. Lots of women stay with cheating husbands, especially if he's a good dad and is providing for her financially. If that's your case, I'd use that to get yourself on track so you can eventually be independent of him some day.

My husband and I were there a couple of years ago. We decided to wait 6 months before we decided, and during that time we went into therapy, both individually and as a couple. It saved our marriage.

I don't see the logic in destroying your children's happiness, destroying your security, home, finances, ability to take proper care of a new born, all because you don't "love your husband anymore". Don't get me wrong, there are good reasons to get divorced and you may have some. But not from what you have described here. You sound more like someone who hormones are out of wack. frankly, even if you are not in a blissful marriage, I think you should stay as long as you can so you have some support with a new baby and so dad can have a chance to bond with his child. Is he a good dad? A good supporter? Would you leave to find happiness? And what of your children's happiness? This is the guy you picked. This is the guy you found worthy of making children with. Live with your choices for your kid's sake.

You need a reality check. Unless your husband is abusing you, you should both get your butts of the couch and start marriage counseling ASAP. If you didn't like your last counselor, pick someone new!
Yes, they are going to tell (both of) you things that you do not want to hear, but guess what, marriage is hard work and when you have three kids together, you are simply not allowed to throw it all away "because you're not in love with him". You are an adult woman, a mother with responsibilities! You are not 15 and can just break up with the guy, because you're not into him any more.

I think your hormones might be clouding your judgment, so straighten up and get a grip! If you are still set to separate a year after your baby is born, fine, go ahead. But until then you are simply not allowed to just throw away your kids family and security without even trying to save your marriage.
Good luck!

First, unfortunately, I think you are wrong about him cheating - he's done it before and now he is obsessed w/ his looks - that's a big red flag. My step-father did the exact same thing by getting thin and working out constantly and boom we found out he was cheating. If at the very least, he is trying to impress someone.

You really need to reach out to family and friends for temporary help w/ housing and possibly finances. You will need to do research on any government help you may be eligible for - if anything you will be able to get insurance for the kids and get food stamps until you get on your feet. If your husband can provide the insurance for the kids, get that in the divorce decree.

I understand your issue w/ daycare. Do your research and get personal recommendations. There are good daycares out there.

Good luck. I am so sorry you have to go through this. I wish you all the best.

UPDATE: After reading your previous question and your So What Happened on this question, I think you are thinking quite irrational. Your hormones are all over the place. Thinking that no one will hire until you lose the baby weight was a red flag in your thinking. Your obstinate attitude toward counseling shows you have already resolved to the divorce - kind of lazy thinking. Accepting HIS word for not cheating makes no sense at all. Until you have had the baby, I truly don't believe your thoughts are yours right now - hormones can do amazing things. I believe any decisions you make right now you will question later - even if it just the logistics of the situation. Now saying that, you may very well end up w/ the same resolution after your hormones are back to normal, but for the offset chance your decisions may be regretted, it is very advisable for you to only focus on yourself and your kids day-to-day actions for right now.

WHAT?! We're just not into each other anymore! That is the most asinine thing I have ever heard for the reason of a divorce. Great role modeling you two are doing for your kids!!!!!!!! When the going gets tough or you just don't want to do it anymore - quit! Great message :) Lazy, lazy, lazy - shame on you two!

I'm so sorry Mama that you are going through this! It is very hard being a single mom...if there is any way to work it out, you should try. Making it on your own is hard and the job market is harsh now. I left my ex-husband when my son was 2 because he was cold, selfish, uncaring, and hurtful. It sounds like your husband is similar. Believe me, I do understand that you have to choose between two difficult options. My son and I went from staying in a friend's spare room, to having our own home 3 years later, but it took several job changes, 6 moves, and a period of over a year with no support from the ex at all. Every challenge can be overcome. You can do it!

Think out what you do, and don't be hasty. If there is goodness in your husband, try to work it out please. You lose nothing by trying. If you think the grass is greener on the other side, its probably not unless he's terrible. I just read your "so what happened." You are saying you want a divorce because you aren't into him? I'm sorry, but that isn't a reason for a divorce especially when you have three kids. Divorce is miserable for everyone involved, and not something to chose just because the feeling isn't like it was in the beginning. If he is trying to abandon is family so he can be a bachelor again, you dear have then been wronged, and like it or not he still has to take care of you (in that case go to Legal Aid). If you are trying to abandon your marriage to be single again and find "love", snap out of it (sorry to be harsh), you aren't a kid, and are about to give yourself a big dose of reality if you end it. It's HARD.

DO NOT MAKE ANY LIFE CHANGING DECISIONS UNTIL YOU HAVE HAD THE BABY
CherylO has a great post, please read it!

I would wait until after the baby is born to do anything. At this point in the pregnancy, you don't want to mess with the insurance eligibility/coverage.

M.

Honestly, I think you are setting yourself up for a huge challenge. You'll have to work FT to support your household. Fulltime daycare for 2 kids costs $20,000 (where we live).

I wouldn't even consider jumping out on my own for at least 3 years--until your 2 yo starts kindergarten, especially with a newborn to juggle! (Yikes!) You've got the cost of diapers and formula, plus all the sick days until the immunity system is built up. Seriously, if you're not being abused, if your kids aren't in danger, then chin up sister! This economy sucks, good jobs (with healthcare) are hard to find. I would suck it up and make it work for the next three years; yes, you might no longer be in love but you've got more stability, food, a home, etc. Start preparing now-get a job, maintain separate bank accounts, but stay in the same house. Sleep in separate rooms--and really, who cares if he cheats now--you've already decided your marriage is over; you need him to be a good father and a decent roommate until you can move out and support yourself. Besides, you'll need another adult in the house to help with the demands and sleep deprivation of the newborn.

You have 2 children and a 3rd one due in a few weeks. This really isn't the time for you to make life changes. Perhaps you should rethink this after your little one comes?

If you seriously want to start a new life without your husband, then begin to plan, and get your ducks in a row. Moving out to state assistance isn't a good or fair plan for anyone involved. Give yourself time to recover from the birth and let the baby get a good start. Make sure that you have a good job, childcare lined up, and a place to move to (that you can realistically afford) BEFORE you leave.

I don't know this for sure, however I don't think separation would have anything to do with you losing your benefits eligibility. You are still married and still on his family coverage.

It sounds like you have your doubts about his faithfulness - his concerns about his appearance, your checking his phone for "evidence", etc.

If nothing else, isn't it worth getting counselling? Don't you want to be able to tell your kids "we did everything we could"?

You say you're not in love with him, yet you're 7 mos pregnant too. Obviously sometime within the last 8 mos you've been intimate with him. Don't you think there's a possibility that you could fall BACK in love with him if some things changed?

I'm not about to blame your pregnancy/hormones for any of this. But just know that lots of women get annoyed with their husbands, feel fat and unattractive, etc. when pregnant. Heck - I sure did!

Please, try counselling. Wait until WELL AFTER the baby arrives to make any permanent decisions. That way you can talk to a professional, try to work on the things that have been annoying each of you and give it a good faith effort.

At least then you can make an informed decision and say it just wasn't meant to be. In the meantime, you can get some counselling on your own, save some money now and develop a plan for how you would handle things IF it comes to divorce.

Best wishes Mama. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate.

Since you are married and a stay at home mom you can get alimony from your husband where he has to pay you so much a month until you get a job or married again. Also he will have to pay child support so that should cover the daycare expenses. I would try to stay with a family member until the divorce is settle and then try and get you an apt. or house that way you know you will have money coming in from your husband. Also i would sit down with your husband and try to come up with a custody arrangement. And tell him you want the kids full time and you can get them on the weekends. Good luck i hope you can try to work it out but it sounds like your not happy!

I haven't read most of the responses here...

I have a friend who divorced a couple of years ago... she has 2 kids (7 and 4) and is also a SAHM. She lives off of $1500 a month (alimony and child support) because no thanks to the state, after they tax her ex the state collects the money and collects fees, gives it to her then taxes her on it at the end of the year because they consider it "income." She finds ways (legally) to get what she needs... she's an expert to finding free or reduced cost services, food... whatever she needs. She rents a 3 bedroom duplex for $700/mth and uses the remainder for bills... However, if something major happens I don't how she's going to handle that... AND she doesn't have a baby so she doesn't have the extra expenses of formula and diapers (although for a little bit she was buying diapers but not very long.) You can be a SAHM even after a divorce, but it's not much of a life- it's pure survival.

And you shouldn't use baby weight as an excuse for not getting hired... women of all shapes and sizes work outside the home. And unless it's a BFOQ, employers can't discriminate against you for your weight if you are qualified.

Can't you live as roomies and be cordial to each other until the kids are up and out?