I Need Some Advice Regarding My Mother.......

Maybe you should call that show "Hoarders" on AE and see if they will come and clean her house. It is a pyschological disorder, usually associated with OCD as well.

This may be a boarder-line issue of 'Hoarders', but with your insistence of pushing her is only offering her to push back. You are not allowing her to feel it is in her control from the description of your post.

I would be furious if someone in my family came in and took the control from me to clean or organize any area of my home and my memories, too. (Yes, some of these are yours, but some of these projects you made are more than likely projects made for your parents, right? Would you want someone to take your precious memories away, too?).

Instead of trying to run the situation and give the impression of removing the items, you should try to offer assistance in helping to organize/ condense them.

As she works Full-time, she may be trying to figure out a plan - you do not know her mind, do you?

I would recommend letting her know that you are there for her if she needs you and offer support in the ways SHE needs it first. If you are worried about family gatherings, then pick a place within the family and have one. It doesn't matter on the place (or basement)... it matters that you are all together and happy while you can be.

Marci,

My parents were both born at the end of the Great Depression and learned many bad habits from their parents that have affected their lives. Foremost is keeping anything that might be needed at some point in the distant future. They also taught me these lessons and I am slowly teaching myself how to look at my possessions and memories in a different light.

Please don't keep pressuring your mother, you may destroy your relationship with her and cause more stress in her life. She may be so completely overwhelmed by everything that needs to be done that she just doesn't know where to start. So, she goes out with her friends and tries to spend as little time at home as she possibly can, to escape the feelings of helplessness and guilt.

If you really want to help your mom change, you might suggest the following website: www.flylady.net. The owner, Marla Cilley, created a free network that teaches people how to change their lives from the inside out. She teaches her "FlyBabies" how to truly love themselves and how to get rid of the clutter in just a few minutes every day. She tells her members "You are not behind, just jump in where we are." "Your house did not get this way in a day and it won't be clean in a day." "Practice makes progress."

I don't know if your mom needs psychological help, but regardless, she will not work with anyone or even start looking at ways to deal with her stuff until SHE is ready. I know, my mom is also a hoarder, but instead of recognizing her stuff she is always complaining about my dad's stuff and how it makes her house a mess. They both have a problem with keeping things, but my dad is working to deal with his. My mom just pretends her's doesn't exist. I can't help her right now because she is not ready. She needs to ask for the help, not be bullied into it.

Please be patient with your mom and enjoy the time you have with her now. Don't sour your memories with her by pressuring her to clean her house. Suggest the website, but then let it go. Your mother will either look at the website and try some of the suggestions and routines, or she won't. But either way, changing her life is up to her.

C..

This is a tough situation. Helping you mom clean things up would be a wonderful service. BUT, she is right, you have to wait until she is ready. And she might NEVER be ready. Obviously she can't deal with this huge pile of memories and junk or she wouldn't have let it get this bad.

Its her house and her stuff (granted your childhood stuff is mixed in, but that's hard to separate considering the general condition of the basement/bedrooms you described).

You've done what you can do, you've told your mom it bothers you, you've offered to help her with it and now you need to give her space and allow her to take care of it, if and when she wants to. Nagging is just going to make her more and more resistant to the idea. Most people would be thrilled to have someone volunteer to clean up and organize their messes. So if she is not willing, you just have to leave it at that.

You're complaining that she's treating you like a child, but in some ways you're treating her like one (even though she's probably acting like one) by nagging her to do what she KNOWS she should, and just doesn't have the physical/mental energy to do. Once you give her the respect of allowing her to make the call on if and when to clean it up, she should respond more favorably to you.

Best wishes, I hope that she'll come around and let you guys clean things up so you have some space for family time, it sounds as though you're a close family. Realize there are probably some stressful things going on with your mom right now and maybe alleviating some of them might help her have the energy to deal with the basement. Just a thought.

I believe that your heart is in the right place and it is lovely that the "whole family" is on board to help out. But if Mom is okay with it and Dad doesn't have a problem then the issue gets cloudy. If they are not ready to change then all your efforts will be in vain. I remember once I cleaned my Mom's vanity (alot of empty perfume bottles, old empty perfume boxes-just old junk in my mind) and when she saw what I had done she cried saying I threw out alot of her memories (in my mind I say get rid of the old clutter to make way for new memories-but clearly she was not ready) so I carry that memory around. Well, I am not sure this helped but I really feel that a person has to be ready to receive help to appreciate it and accept it.

I was going to suggest you watching Hoarders also...
You can watch it online if you don't have cable... Just go to A&E's web site. I think they also have articles on helping people who hoard things.

Not all hoarders hoard Junk and Garbage... Some just save stuff and don't really know why. Not all hoarders houses are filled with trash... Some are very well organized but piled with their stuff...

It may take an intervention involving you, your siblings, and dad... Try contacting the show and see what they suggest. They may have a list of a special counsler you can go to about helping her.

It could have very easily been me writing your post. Unfortunately my Mom is a hoarder, too, and is VERY embarrassed about other people finding out. The biggest problem is that it's an OCD/Anxiety disorder in which they process the need for those items differently than the rest of the world. I, too, offer to help my Mom all the time. She doesn't want the help because she doesn't think she has a problem despite affecting everyone.

There's a great show on TV (Hoarders on A&E) that I'd recommend you watch. It's really eye opening.

It's honestly probably not safe for you to be helping her while pregnant because of the possibility of mold/mildew growing on the piles.

Good luck. I know how frustrating it is, and I hate going to my parents' house because of it. Over Christmas, she saw no problem with having 30 year-old house cleaners in reach of my two small kids. I was diagnosed with cancer 19 months ago, and I begged her to throw them all away because of the possibility of carcinogens. Didn't happen and probably won't either.

Sounds like she could be a hoarder (not sure of spelling). It is an actual condition in which people just stock pile things up to the point that they can't even live in their own homes. It can get so bad that people will actually get a storage unit for MORE stuff. It can become unhealthy, so if she is sick to begin with this is probably going to make it worse.

My advice would be to research the condition and get some professional help. There is usually an underlying issue that causes this behavior. If she is in therapy these issues can be discovered and she can work through it.

There is even a new show called hoarders now. It's not something people like to discuss and apparently it is becoming more and more common. Or at least people are talking about it more. Usually it is another family member who will "spill the beans" and get the person help.

Good luck, hope all ends well.

So she is obsessed with not throwing anything out. The problem may actually originate with the marital problems your parents are having.

Anyhow I am not a psychiatrist but your mom sounds like she needs professional help. What does your dad say about this? Is he able to get her to a therapist?

If it were my mom, I wouldn't let it escalate more than it already has. You and your sisters need to stand your ground and get her help. She may not see it now, but will thank you later on.

I wish I would have stood my ground where my moms health was. Today (18th) would have been her 87th birthday. I miss her so much! I am the 5th out of 6 kids.

Take care and God bless you, your mom and your sisters.

Sounds like hoarding, and that is now being considered an illness. Something is causing it. I hate to say you may never be able to get those things because of the time involved there could be critters nesting in it. She does need help with it. I have also heard of the show Hoarders and I have seen one called Clean House.

This is called hoarding.They have a show on tv about it.It is a sickness.

Hi Marci---I, too, could have written this post. My mom and dad are in the same house they built in 1958. Yes, over 50 years worth of stuff. To be honest, they raised 6 kids in that house and so not all of it is hers, but...

My mom is a perfectionist, a stubborn German. When we were little, everything was immaculate. As we got older and more involved in sports and other activities, she just didn't have time to do things the way she used to. So, she got behind on everything. We couldn't help much. We couldn't do things they way she wanted them done. I think, for my mom, the inability to make decisions and throw things away comes from a need for some sort of control over her life. Things have always been tough for my folks, raising 6 kids while my dad was self-employed. He'd quit jobs that he didn't like before he'd find a new one. I can't really blame her for 'losing' it.

No amount of persuation on our part encourages her to just pitch everything. I'm sure there are alot of important papers mixed in with the junk, so she has to touch every little scrap. She's been retired for 20 years and she is 75 years old. We've resigned ourselves to the fact that we girls (5 sisters) will have to come in when she and my father die to clean the house in order to sell it.

Keep dropping little hints about the good old days/parties in your basement. Share how your wish is to have your children experience the same joys and memories you did growing up. But no amount of encouragement will be effective until it is her idea to change the situation. For me, I always have hope. I then find ways to share that hope with my mom. Hopefully, someday, before it's too late, she'll also be tired of the way she's living and make the necessary changes.

Good luck, be patient. D.

You are right to be worried. This is called "hording" and it is a possible sign of mental illness. If it gets worse she could lose it all as the house becomes unfit to live in. This means all of your family memories too. I say it is time to stand up and be firm with her. This is unhealthy and can cause problems with her health also.
C.

My MIL is the very same and does laugh about the mess she will leave us. We have offered help but she won't hear of it. It is all "good stuff" she says some I know is good but ... I need help also.

It's a psychological disorder called hoarding and requires a therapist to deal with it. You will not be able to change this behavior on your own. The first step I'd suggest is having her watch the tv show Hoarders on A&E and see if that helps her see her " secret" is really a psychological disorder. If that doesn't help there are limits to what you can do and unfortunately the problem will only get worse. I would try telling your mom you are worried and ask her to consider going to get help. Good luck