MIL Is a Hoarder

If she is a true hoarder she needs professional help. Find a therapist that specializes in this behavior.

Watch the show "Hoarders," and realize there's probably nothing you can do about it.

My father is a hoarder. Not so much a hoarder of true garbage, but his thing is magazines, books, DVDs, VHS, etc. Here's his deal and perhaps there might be something you can use with your situation.

My father is almost 65. He grew up very poor with his father being a jack-of-all-trades (no real profession) and eventually his parents owned a tree/plant nursery. My grandparents (his parents) were very strict and didn't get anything that they didn't deem a true necessity. So my dad, a gifted musician, would get scoffed at when he wanted a piano. So, he wrote music for the little 12-note toy piano. He would get yelled at if he ever asked for anything. So, he stopped asking. They never showed real love to my dad and he (along with all children) was starving for it.

After he had his own home, he started amassing stuff. At first it was records and books. My mom was ok with SOME of it. After the library shelves were filled in the basement and items started making their way in the main living area, she put a stop to that with the rule that anything IN had to equal something OUT. That worked. Until she passed away in 1993 (at the age of 47). Here was someone who had granted my father unconditional love who was now gone. That's when his hoarding went haywire.

The mail pile piled up and spilled over, the bills (paid) all stayed on the kitchen table until there was only enough room for one person (though there were at least 2 of us living in the house at the time), magazines piled up. Eventually, but the time I was out of the house in college, there were paths through the house that one had to carefully maneuver around or else they'd fall and my dad would get all upset. No matter the nagging, complaining, offers of help, nothing would get him to change.

Ten years later along with a mold problem that caused the gutting of the house and my dad having to move out of the home I'd known since birth, my dad now lives in a townhouse full of stuff.

HOWEVER (here's the good part), the more my siblings and I are showing my dad that we also unconditionally love him and care about him, the more interest he is showing in ridding himself of his things. He has spent his lifetime trying to fill a void in his heart that can only be filled by love. His things will not bring love, they will not love him back. And he's starting to get that. No matter how much pain his issues have caused us in the past, he's still my dad and always will be. He needs his family more now than ever. He needs to know we're here for him. So, slowly but surely, he's getting through box after box and pile after pile. And he's getting ok with letting go and NOT replacing. He looked around his living and told me he realized that it's just "stuff...junk." That is a HUGE step for this guy and we, his kids, are going to be here for him to help when he asks for help and to love him.

We can't change our parents anymore than they could change us. And as infuriating as it can be, we can accept them with all their injuries.

Things that might help:
*If you need a place to sit, pick up the pile that's inhibiting you and ask if there's a good place to put it so that you can sit down.
*NEVER refer to their things as "junk." To a hoarder it is not junk and to have someone refer to it as such is such an offense that it will turn off the person from accepting anything you have to say. I learned that one the hard way...many times!
*If there is something you see that she has multiples of, you might kindly say something like "that's a nice (turkey fryer, shade of eyeshadow, etc.). I'd been looking for something like that [or "I know someone who...]. I noticed you had more than one, did you need the other one or is that something you might be willing to part with?" That way you could find out where her head is at in terms of how she perceives her own needs for stuff.

That got long, sorry about that. If you ever need any support, feel free to message me!

Good luck to you and I know how incredibly frustrating it can be to deal with someone who is dealing with their own demons that involve hoarding.

My MIL is a hoarder. She keeps everything! Things that are broken she keeps just incase she needs the parts. She keeps receipts from the 60's till now. She has stacks and stacks of newspapers all over the place. She keeps used batteries in a jar. You have to turn sideways to get through doors. You can't sit on the couch cause there are so many piles of clothes. She wears socks until they practically fall off her feet and then still keeps them. Her kitchen table is so loaded with papers and junk that you can't sit at the table. There is one little corner that is empty so that they can eat. And then it is in shifts cause there is no room for 2 ppl to sit at once. There are piles and piles of junk in front of their stove that they have to lean over the stuff to get to the stove. Going up their stairs are piles and piles of papers and magazines. We are afraid that they are going to fall down the stairs. Growing up she came from a poor family so she got all of her sisters hand me down clothes, to which she still has cause she feels guilty for getting rid of them. She has things "stored" at my husbands grandfathers house. We found a tote that had some beautiful shoes in it. They are stored in a outside shed. Well something got to them and ate the shoes. We threw them out and she threw a fit. She wanted to keep them. Why? I do not know. There was nothing left, it was all chewed. As for the food they are the same way. They feel that because it is frozen that it is still good. I do not eat at their house anymore. One time she made me a sandwich. I told my husband that it tasted funny. We looked at the expiration date and I about puked. Say at the time it was 1999, the expiration date of the mayo was 1996. She then got mad cause he threw it out. Says that there was nothing wrong with it. She is always complaining that her stomach hurts. I say that she has had food poisoning countless times.
I had read an aritcle about hoarding and it fit her to a T. I made a copy of it and gave it to her. She then started to clean up somewhat. But not much. We are so afraid that if they ever need an EMT to come in they would end up doing something about their house. My MIL now has Alzheimers and the problem is getting worse. We are fearful that they are in danger of hurting themselves. I do not let my daughter down there cause she could get hurt by falling over these things. I feel so bad for my FIL cause he tries to clean it up but she gets so angry that he just gives up.
Maybe you can "offer" to help her clean off her diningroom table. And see how that goes. Then move on to another spot. Maybe once she realizes that she can move around better then you can get the whole thing done. Just take baby steps. Good luck!

My grandmother was a hoarder. She used to ask for my help organizing her stuff. Since she NEVEr wanted to get rid of anything, I would help her sort and store things in plastic bins. We'd spend all weekend, hours on end. I never even asked about throwing anything away unless she mentioned it first. As soon as I put my car in reverse, she would start pulling everything out and complaining to my uncle that helped care for her, that I didn't do anything to help. Unfortunately, like the last poster mentioned, she will need to address the problem herself. There is nothing you can do. And if you do to much it will most likely result in her getting angry and bitter with you. The only thing we did as a family is agree to take ANYTHING she offered us, we could toss it or donate it later. We all bought her food gift cards to keep her from eating the expired food she kept. And we told her the deep freeze was broken, although it was just unplugged (We hated lying, but felt like for her health and safety we needed to control the expired food as much as possible). Your mother in law most likely does not see a mess...she sees "treasures" or "collections".

My Grandparents were hoarders. They lived through the great depression and were afraid to ever be without. We always handled it by going out to eat when we came to see them. There was not alot we could do. They were of a generation that did not talk to therapists. If you can get your mil to talk to someone please do - It eventually did my grandparents in. First my grandmother tripped over a pile of stuff and broke her hip - it was the beginning of her falling apart. Then my grandfather had a stroke and was not found for at least 3 days! After they passed we found charities to take any good condition furniture and multi-year supplies of soap and toilet paper and got a couple big dumpsters (thankfully they had a very small house) and just shoveled it out. In the process we found gifts my grandmother had bought for christmases and birthdays throughout the years and lost in the mess - going back to when I was 3!

I have a friend who is a hoarder, my sister in law's mom is one and my own brother is a pet hoarder. Its an emotional thing, the emotional need has to be addressed otherwise the compulsion will manifest itself in other ways once the clutter/food/ or animals are dealt with. If you have a good enough relationship with your MIL you can talk to her about her compulsion and help her get to the root of it. Be loving, and make it clear you are there for her, but let her know that its noticeable, and probably needs to be dealt with.

You don't say how old your MIL is. I too have discovered I have too much "stuff" in my house. My husband is retired military and we went overseas and had to store our household goods only taking a 1/4 (2.500) of what we owned. We stayed in Europe for two tours and was given full another household allowance weight of 8,000 pounds. We returned back to the States and bought a house. The stored items got here first good thing as when the European shipment arrived it filled in the holes. Alfright we are up to about 14,000 pounds. Hubby went on the road as a long haul trucker so we had an "mobile apartment". When he retired due to illness he had another 1,000 pounds to the mix. In between we "collected" things and now we have a "full house". Which means there is about 20,000 pounds or so in the house. The breakdown: basic kitchen, dining room table chairs, china closets, sofas, beds, silverware, books, hobby items, DVD/CD, computers, sewing machines. It dosen't take long. The problem now is just letting it go.

One day soon I hope for your MIL and me that we will just do it and not I needed that when in truth you don't. What's that saying if you haven't usessd it 6 months or a year you don't need it.

There is hope for us collectors. My fabric stash will disappear once I get all my quilts made for St. Jude, Downykids and the local food bank.

The other S.

PS I can still see my floors and the table top.

There is nothing you can do. This is an issue that can destroy your relationship. I've been there before. Anything you think is helpful, they will think is an attack.
Leave it alone if it is not dangerous, hard to do I know. Especially when you are trying to help. Even if it is, she will be hurt by anything you say no matter how you say it.

Maybe gather a box of your OWN stuff for charity and casually ask if there's anything she'd like to donate as well. Offer to help her sort it out and covertly toss legitimate trash.

Is she lonely? Maybe she shops as a way to fill a void? Or just to get out of the house?

I'm pretty sure that this type of thing is psychological - she's filling some kind of need by acquiring things. You may want to do some research online or talk to a counselor who deals with this to find out the best way to help her. But I think it's something she'll have to deal with herself. Even if you get rid of stuff, if the underlying problem isn't addressed, more stuff will come to replace it.

There's a very definite line between people who have too much stuff for their space & actual hoarders.

My mum, for example has about twice the "stuff" that fits in her house (she used to live in a much larger house). She does NOT throw anything out that is not garbage. (She recycles, throws out garbage, it's not unsanitary, just "full"). Every single bike we ever owned is in the garage. (9 at last count). There used to be 13, but guess what? We started having kids, and she got them tuned up and our kids now have great bikes. When my SIL didn't have a bike my mum tuned another one and gifted it to her (she's been riding it for 4 years, the bike is almost 25 years old). She has 9 coolers, 3 tents, about a dozen sleeping bags... the list goes on. She can outfit a group of 20 people to go camping and only come up a couple items short (for the past 15 years whenever ANY of us "kids" have wanted to go camping with friends, or with our own families, or even multiple families... she has us go through her garage and pull out everything we don't already own. Her clothes from the 60's/70's/80's have gotten used in 2 generations of school plays, and her gowns have been used for I can't count how many people's formal events (she's bought one ball gown a year since 1972). Her extra dishes and china get borrowed by people all the time for large holiday gatherings and parties. She owns, at last estimate, apx 20,000 books. She has enough oriental carpets that only 1/4 of them fit on the floors/ walls. She cycles through her art (art that isn't currently on the walls/shelves fills up a 10x10 space).

That's only maybe 3% of what my mum owns. My mum has some serious "stuff".

But she's not a hoarder. She's ADHD-i with some impulse control issues and a common side effect of ADHD is needing "stuff" to feel like we're secure (I'm ADHD-c).

Hoarding is it's own classification of mental disorder... people keep "junk". Cans, papers, rags.... and then in *addition* to bizarre choices of things to keep USUALLY have to have it "in arms reach". So walls of newspapers, piles of excrement soaked fabrics & garbage. Some are compulsive about keeping it organized (paper here, red things there) some just pile and pile and pile.

If your MIL is a hoarder, he needs professional help. If your MIL is just more like my mum... she needs a storage unit.

If she loves it then you have to find a way to ignore it. :o)

If you don't live with her, it's not your problem. Is it safe for you and your family to visit her there? If the answer to that question is yes, then I'd ignore it. What does your husband think? She's his mother. Love her and keep the number for the nearest junk removal company handy for when she eventually passes away - you'll need it.

My brother is a hoarder. He is single with no kids, has a good job, and isn't in any debt. It drives my mother absolutely crazy, but he is happy and it doesn't bother him. She has come over and attempted to sort the stuff, but he just fills the empty holes she makes in the clutter. I just told her not to bother, as going over there just gets her more upset.
I never take my kids over to his house, but he visits us regularly. He knows why we don't come over and it doesn't bother him in the slightest. So, it doesn't bother me.
My advice is to suggest a yard sale when it's warmer. Start with small goals- room by room. You may have to have several yard sales. If she doesn't want your help, leave it alone. When it becomes a health threat is when to worry.
If you can't deal with it, like my mother, my advice is to not to go over there. Pick her up to come over to your house instead. Unfortunately, there isn't much more you can do.