I Love My Husband But....

You need to talk to one another...really talk. Perhaps therapy is the answer. I know exactly how you feel. Not that I am the "quiet one"...believe me, I give just as well as I take, but I know how you feel. My husband is like a dog with a "poopy" diaper if you know what I mean. He gets on a hot topic and just goes on and on and on...like he's looking for a fight! It drives me crazy! I say what I need to say and that's it, he drags it out until I can't take anymore and end of yelling at each other! It's pointless really. So I told him we need "couples therapy!"

Your baby is not quite 4 months, right?

So you've still got hormones going on, and fatherhood might be freaking your husband out a bit (tiny babies to the darnedest things to men)?

Give yourselves time to adjust to being parents, and being a couple with a kid. Some people realign their relationship smoothly, with love and grace; some of us aren't smooth, loving or graceful to our partner at first. We're freaking out because here's this tiny baby and our partner is doing it wrong!

If you have help with the baby (parents, it looks like in your profile), maybe you can have a little couple time each week? A movie, food, even just a walk.

Also, not sure if this is a factor for you two, but if you haven't plopped the baby in his hands and walked away for a couple of hours (visit friends, shopping, nap, run, whatever), DO IT. And keep doing it on a regular basis. Sometimes the backseat drivers need a turn driving, just to give them perspective.

Unless the "yelling" is serious or there is any hint of violence, don't make any rash decisions right now if I'm right about the baby's age. Hormones play with your brain for at least 6 months.

Y.,
You have a very young baby, right?
Let me just share with you that AT LEAST 5 times during the first year of my son's life, I told my husband to GET OUT! LOL
Having an infant is a pressure-cooker for ANY marriage.
Trust me on that O..
I was 39 when I had my baby and I was still getting SO ticked off at him over everything!
Give yourself some time, space and solitude once in a while.
And (this is important) if there are things he can do better than you--let him have at it, sweetie!
Good luck. Hang in there. And breathe!

you need to learn how to communicate with each other better. i too would tire quickly of constant criticism, but he obviously doesn't know a better way to get his point across. there are a lot of ways to learn......books, retreats, counseling. but i do suggest you do so. it's good that you recognize that you still love each other. fix this while you still do.
khairete
S.

Sounds like my husband (at least how he used to be)! Truthfully, I always assumed that he was aware of the following:
1. Tone/volume of his voice
2. Implied content of his words
3. Frequency of his commentary

There were days when I felt like I could do absolutely nothing "right" b/c he picked all day long at everything little thing that I did.

Here's what happened... his mom stayed with us for a week and made a comment to him towards the end of the week (I wasn't home at the time) that he was lucky to have me and that he should speak more kindly to me. After she left, he told me what she said and then said that didn't understand why should would say something like that- he really didn't know.

I took the moment to pretty much tell him that while I knew that he was unaware of it, the way that he speaks to me is often interpretted as being rude and downgrading. I gave him a few examples and then let him know that it was happening all day long and that there were days that I simply didn't like him by bed time (and you can guess what was NOT happening as a result).

He is working on it and it is truly getting better, but I had to suck it up and tell him. Now when he starts, I will look at him and say "tell me something about me that you like" is a playful way and that has become his clue that he's toeing the line! There are still days that are not good, but they are few-and-far between. I was genuinely surprised that he wasn't aware of the tone of his voice. Pointing it out to him and letting him know that it's hurtful really did help.

How old are the both of you? Do you think that his expectations are too high? What about your expectations? Why can't you both just sit down and talk. Relationships are give and take and communication is key. Sounds like you both need to learn how to talk so the other will listen.

Now you know how most husbands feel, lol!! :-)

I feel for you! My husband is much the same. He expects me to channel Martha Stewart in my housekeeping while raising 3 independent, creative kids. He worked hard, too hard really with him at work 90 to 100 hours a week. I just caulk it to him being over tired and working with Type A personalities all day that demand perfection.

I feel you, right now I am going through the whole " you don't respect me" Stage. We have a 10 month old son and one who is due in May. I am stuck doing all the house work and cooking because he's too stubborn to help me or wants me to initiate it or he just doesn't want to. It makes me soooo angry. We just had an argument about it a few minutes ago. He also yells or raises his voice at me and I don't like it either. and like you I sometimes feel like giving up too. I am scared if I do he will try and take my boys away from me. Not to mention I can't support myself of our two kids if I was to leave. :( Hang in there, I am with you all the way. Get counciling if you think it will help.

Hi Y.
Marriage is never 100% pure joy, you will have arguments, and you will say nasty things to each other. He is probably nagging becos ur quiet, and he knows u wont respond, try shocking him by standing up for yourself. He may just respect you for it.

Hi Y., sometimes I wished I had the Charles and Caroline Ingles relationship from Little House on the Prairy This may sound funny, but I had a guy once tell me, how he loved the mom on that show because she was so gentle and kind.
You can't be the quiet girl anymore. Heck you live in NY, have you seen what those women out there are like? They're tough and will put you in your place in an instant. Speak up and tell him to shape up and participate in the helping out. You should rebutle and ask, why didn't you do it? How come you didn't take care of it? etc. I could be wrong, I don't know what kind of guy your husband is. Are you working? If not, then maybe you should take care of doing a few extra things around the house. That's what I do. I have two children and do the housework plus run some important errands. I do demand that hubby helps when he's home by evening and on weekends. I hate to say it, but I'm the yeller when things don't get done. Hubby is the quiet one. I really appreciate that he doesn't holler back. I think if I were married to a yeller, I would have been divorced by now.
Get tougher on the situation. I wish you well.

I have delt with the same issues, though neither one of us have ever nagged at each other. You need to stand up for your self and tell him what is bothering you. That was the hardest thing I ever did, because I just want to make him happy, but we are both much happier now that I can tell him and he respects that.

Let him know how badly it is affecting you. He might not realize that he has gotten that bad. Give him a chance to correct his behavior. Let him understand how serious this is (don't downplay it). He needs to know the impact his words and attitude are having on you. I would try counseling. I know that it is expensive but it is WAY WAY WAY WAY WAY cheaper than a divorce. It is definitely worth doing. The divorce lawyer will cost you THOUSANDS and livng in two households rather than one will lower both of your standards of living.