Fight with My Husband in Front of My Daughter

Updated on December 02, 2013
R.U. asks from South Weymouth, MA
20 answers

I feel horrible. I have to admit I am a yeller. But never really let it get heated or say mean things in front of my daughter. But tonight it got bad. My daughter started to cry. I feel awful. I always hate when I see parents arguing infront of their children. We are adults and understand its just an argument but kids take it to heart. It scares them. I hate that I made my daughter upset. It was me I was the one fighting and saying mean things. I apoligized to my daughter and told her I was wrong. I was having a bad day and should not have taken it out on daddy. We decorated our x mass tree and she seemed happy. My question is has this happened to any of you? Have I scarred my child? Ughhhhh

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S.S.

answers from Chicago on

In a perfect world no one would yell at eachother and all husbands would know that we are right all the time. Someone please show me that WORLD!!

Oh and she will be fine, sorry, I got carried away.

3 moms found this helpful

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P.G.

answers from Dallas on

Apologize to your husband as well, and in front of your daughter - make sure she and he know that you mean it. And get some counseling to find alternate ways to deal with stuff. Yelling isn't arguing - it's yelling.

You know you aren't happy being a yeller, so use this yucky feeling to start making changes :)

11 moms found this helpful

C.O.

answers from Washington DC on

Children need to see their parents disagreeing...it shows them that just because they argue - they can still love each other and get along.

I would strongly suggest that you get counseling. You admit you are a yeller. While there isn't anything wrong with yelling per se - the fact that you say mean things in anger? What's next?

Did you apologize to your husband in front of your daughter? Did he accept your apology?

I would suggest that you and your husband get marriage counseling and learn how to communicate with each other.

Everyone has bad days. What can you learn from this? What do you want to GAIN from this? If you have a temper/anger control problem - how can you fix it? Do you WANT to fix it? If so, then you need to start looking for counselors and start fixing your communication skills.

Hope this helps!

8 moms found this helpful
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C..

answers from Columbia on

Why are you more upset about the fact that it got heated and you said mean things to your husband "in front of your daughter" than about the fact that it got heated and you said mean things *to your husband*.

In my opinion, if you change the way you communicate so that things no longer get *heated*and you learn how to talk without saying mean things you will have provided your daughter with a role model that is realistic and healthy.
You're scarring your daughter more by not teaching her how to appropriately relate to a partner. The absence of disagreeing isn't healthy. Neither is communicating in a disrespectful manner.
Instead if focusing on how this one event has impacted your daughter, take some time to focus on repairing your relationship with your husband.

7 moms found this helpful
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X.Y.

answers from Chicago on

We are all humans and full of sin, whether it be about yelling or something else, we ALL have sinned.

The good thing is that you recognized it and want to do something to fix it. Come up with ideas on how to calm yourself before you start yelling. Of course the best thing to do is find the root of the problem, which of course means counseling (find one that uses the systemic approach) or you can get a book on systemic theory. I have done this and it really has helped me overcome things in my childhood that scarred me.

I hope you apologized to your husband in front of your child. And your husbands duty to help your child is to gracefully accept your apology and hug afterwards. Then both of you let her know that adults and kids fight, but its not ok to be mean to each other and you are going to work on fighting *good*.

I applaud you for writing this post!!!! You are a good mom for recognizing you hurt your daughter. Now be a good wife and fix this.

6 moms found this helpful
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M.L.

answers from Colorado Springs on

I am so glad you are saying you are a yeller. That means you have recognized a problem and put a name on it. The next thing is to decide whether you are going to do anything about it. (I would advise counseling. I seem to advise that a lot! I am not out to help counselors make money! I just think that face-to-face, impartial advice from someone who understands human relationships and knows what may work best can be very, very helpful.)

I know about yellers. My MIL is a champion yeller. I bet she yells louder than you do. She learned it from her mother. My husband picked it up from her. Now I see (or hear) it in some of my children.

My parents were not yellers, but they did bicker a lot. Even that upset me very much as a child. "Just" an argument? Just hateful sounds and actions from one or more of the people a child loves and depends on most in the world!

Have you scarred your daughter? I don't know what to say about that. Your daughter may not tell you. Truthfully, it depends on what you do from now on. You've asked for forgiveness and received it. Can you model the way adults should discuss things from now on - or will you do your default yelling on the next bad day? Default is pretty strong!

My best friend is married to a man who learned yelling from his father. When their oldest daughter was very small, he was upset about something she did and went into his default mode. His little girl melted into a puddle right before his eyes. My friend jumped in to say - and she could have been yelled at for this, so she was being courageous! - "Do you see what happens when you shout? Our daughter can't take that! You can't do that to her and love her, too!" He was so shocked at reactions of both mother and daughter that he decided to learn some other ways quick. That was many years ago. His three now-grown children are fine, well-adjusted, and know how to disagree about things without killing anyone else's heart and spirit.

6 moms found this helpful

J.S.

answers from Richland on

I divorced my first husband, the father of my kids. My older daughter who was 18 when she said this, it bothered her more when I turned the other cheek. What I mean is when I should have stood up for my opinion and didn't, that bothered her. When I stood up for myself she felt all was right in the world in spite of how loud that would get.

Now I am sure if I picked huge fights over toilet paper, in vs out, that would have bothered her.

What I mean is if a valid discussion gets heated that doesn't bother kids, petty stuff would.

5 moms found this helpful
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S.S.

answers from Atlanta on

I don't feel you have scarred your daughter. I do believe you have acknowledged a problem and need to find the best route to remedy it.

Are there communication classes where you live?

It's important to admit mistakes to your children. And it's important to apologize, not just to your child but to your husband as well.

When you feel like you are about to lose it again? Take a deep breath and take a step back, re-access, realize and take another route.

5 moms found this helpful
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M.P.

answers from Portland on

This happens to nearly everyone at sometime. You have not scarred your daughter. When fights are damaging is when they happen often and treated as the right way to deal with anger.. I suggest it's good that we fight from time to time and talk about it later with our children. In this way we teach them how to fight and how not to fight and how to make up.

4 moms found this helpful

B.C.

answers from Norfolk on

People need conflict resolution skills.
Some conflict from time to time is something that will come up in any/every relationship.
Name calling, demeaning the other person is not fighting fair and it does nothing to help resolve the conflict.
Remember - when the argument is over - you still love each other and should still be friends.
So - blurting out things that are hurtful and can't be taken back - it damages the relationship.
Some anger management would be a good idea for you.
What you learn will help your marriage AND your daughter will notice on some level what you have learned - she'll learn from you how to manage her own anger and how to navigate/resolve her own conflicts.
If you learn from this, then it won't have been a pointless mistake.

4 moms found this helpful
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A.S.

answers from Boca Raton on

Forgive yourself, forgive your husband and resolve to dig deeper on this issue.

Growing up with volatile parents is awful for a kid (she probably hears it and feels it even when you think she doesn't). But the great news is that you recognize that there is a problem. It's hard to fix something that you won't admit is even there.

I resolved my anger issues with a great counselor. I realized that there were some things buried deep down in my heart that I had never acknowledged. Anger is often fear (fear of losing control, looking stupid, feeling powerless). Some people manifest fear as anger. My love for my sons drove me to get these issues to the surface where I could confront them head on. And I haven't had a problem really since then. I promised myself that my sons would never be afraid of me. And that's what you're doing - creating fear in your child. And then maybe she will be angry someday.

Stop the cycle now. You can do it. And GREAT for you recognizing it. You sound like a wonderful mom.

Good luck.

4 moms found this helpful

L.A.

answers from Austin on

Oh honey, I know you feel terrible because it upset your daughter.
It is good that you now realize your actions (reactions) have a consequence.

Yelling is a lack of communication skills. Somewhere, you were not taught some options when you feel like you are not being heard or understood.

This is why all of the people suggesting counseling are correct. My husband and I at one point were over. He drove me over the edge. He did not listen to what I would be saying, I felt like he took everything personally,. I would try to speak louder so he could hear and understand me. This did not work. He shuts down when people yell at him or treat him like this.

Counseling saved our marriage. We learned how to speak to each other in a way WE each could understand. It takes practice, it takes some different options, it takes time to break the old habits.

I grew up with a dad that yelled. He was scary. I dreaded his blow ups. We just never knew when it would pop out and over what subject.

Admit to your child that you made a mistake. That "it was not nice manners for you to shout or yell at dad, or anyone." That you "were frustrated, and should have given yourself a time out, so you could find your words"

Let her know that "sometimes we do get mad, frustrated, or feel hurt with each other, but you still all love each other. "

Parents need to model the behaviors that they want and expect their children to use. We as adults make mistakes all of the time, and we need to admit them to our children, so that our children can learn to admit their mistakes, without being judged, laughed at, or yelled at.

Today is a new day. You get to start over. You can do this, you just need to learn some options.

4 moms found this helpful

V.S.

answers from Reading on

I'm pretty sure no one here needs to lecture you about anger and yelling, since you openly talk about your feelings about it, so I can't see how these sanctimonious responses are helpful. No, your daughter is fine. She also needs to know it's okay for adults to disagree, even get angry, and things still are fine. I don't think we do our kids any favors by keeping them in bubbles from life and the rest of the world. It's not real life to pretend people don't get angry and yell - the first time someone yells at her, she's going to have a complete panic attack! As someone else said, it's a teachable moment. Anger does not mean hate.

We all have things we need to work on. You already know this is one for you.

3 moms found this helpful
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V.T.

answers from Washington DC on

Have you made up with your husband? Use this as a teachable moment. Show your daughter that you can fight and work it out. You told your daughter that you were wrong, but did you say it to your husband in front of your daughter? If you fight in front of your daughter, make up in front of your daughter.

3 moms found this helpful
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R.M.

answers from Cumberland on

I'm sure she'll be fine before she walks down the aisle and marries a guy who will never infuriate her.

3 moms found this helpful
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D..

answers from Miami on

Sounds like you need anger management classes. You admit you are a yeller. What's it going to take to change the dynamics between you and your husband when you disagree? I promise you that your daughter knows that you do this NOT in front of her.

I don't know if you've scarred your daughter or not. It would just a platitude to say that you haven't and I'm not going to give you platitudes right now. Stop making your child cry by yelling in your home. You have no business doing it. Instead, give yourself a time out and say to yourself "I will act like an adult instead of throwing a tantrum."

If you can't when you try, go get counseling.

2 moms found this helpful
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J.A.

answers from New York on

You haven't scarred your child - but you really need to work on your communication skills. It's not healthy to be yelling at your husband ( or vice versa). It's also not healthy for it to happen in front of your kid. However, if you can get to the root of what makes you yell - you can limit the risk of this happening to your kid...

2 moms found this helpful
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L.P.

answers from Boca Raton on

you have not scarred your daughter. learn how to communicate better, and if you feel you're going over the edge, step outside the room, situation etc. cool off, then return.

2 moms found this helpful
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C.B.

answers from San Francisco on

You did not scar your daughter, but you did teach her to apologize when she is wrong. Good lesson mama!

1 mom found this helpful
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S.R.

answers from Kansas City on

Oh yes! I have been in this predicament several times. You don't mean to but sometimes an argument can become very heated! I dont think you scared her and i do think that apologizing to her was the best thing you could have done! Dont be so hard on yourself mama, just learn from your mistakes and remember this for next time. Life will be ok!

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