I Am Beyond Words

I love those days. My almost 4 year old daughter is going thru something too. She is constantly sassing back, screaming at the top of her lungs, using the word NO, and wanting her daddy to do everything. My husband & I have some stressful discussions going on these days so I think she is picking up on them. I also have her watch Supernanny with me, and I think she is testing me with the bad behavior these children portray to see how I react. I know it is just a phase, but there are days I really want to know who is the devil inside of her. She was always my perfect child, and now is worse than the terrible 2's. I think it is either an attention getter or a limit tester. Either way, both are working!!

I once heard the saying, "terrible twos, f'in fours."

Hang in there. This too shall pass.

Wow!

First...take some deep breaths. Feeling better?

Sometimes I too wonder why kids do such weird things. And when you punish them...sometimes you feel like they don't even GET why you're mad. They just keep doing strange stuff.

I personally don't think there's anything wrong with just letting the other person handle the child when you're mad. I've also put my DD in her bedroom and shut the door and said "I'm feeling very angry right now. I'll come back when I've cooled off and we're ready to talk."

I've found that there's no one magic "bullet" that works. Some behaviors respond to ignoring them, others need punishment.

The thing that has always worked was getting her to somehow realize WHY what she did was bad. Appealing to her sense of family and "we all work together" seems to be better than "I am the mommy and you are the daughter and you do what I say."

Also, although it seems like you DON'T want to, sometimes cuddling up with your child and letting them know they are valued and loved works wonders. Sometimes bad behavior stems from feeling neglected and unimportant.

Recently I asked my stepdaughter who was the most important member of the family (we were looking at a picture of the 3 of us). She pointed to her father, then me. I shook my head and then she was confused. I told her NO ONE is more important than the other. Then I asked her who was the least important. She pointed to herself. I told her NO ONE is the least important and that she was JUST AS IMPORTANT as we were. I said it several times. She actually got tears in her eyes (as she realized it) then hugged her father and me. Her behavior has been nothing short of wonderful since, in fact, that night she did extra chores without being told.

Sometimes unconditional love can work wonders. And you are NOT doing anything wrong.

Good luck!

A.,

I feel your pain! I agree with Jennifer and Julie, get some real time consequences. Of course YOU didn't do anything wrong. She's four and good at it. (That's what I tell people when they say how adorable and well behaved my children are - right!)

Here are my suggestions:

1. Start the timeouts on the step. Don't do her room, she'll think it's playtime.
2. After the timeout, make her apologize to you, tell you what she did wrong (she may need some help here) and then let her clean up her own mess (again, it may not be "clean" but have reasonable expectations for a 4 yr old)
3. Does she have a favorite show/movie? Maybe start a chore chart for her. Let her "earn" time for her favorite show or activity. Teaching the "helping" concept now will not only keep her busy and out of trouble, but it will start instilling some responsibility.

Some sample chores for a 4 yr old...pick up your own room (you make the mess, you clean it up + dirty clothes go in the hamper, not on your floor), brush your hair and teeth, pick up your toys/play area, take your dirty dishes to the sink/counter when you are done.

THEN, and this is key, have your HUSBAND ask her how her day went when he gets home. Have HIM check the chore chart and deliver the praise or questions, "Why didn't this get done today? Aren't you helping Mommy while I'm gone?"

Finally, if/when she gets her chore chart complete for the day, give her a small treat or her t.v. show. If she gets the chore chart done for the week (all/almost all boxes filled in) maybe she gets ice cream out, some special Daddy-time (like a trip to HomeDepot or the movie store).

You won't believe the changes in your daughter's behavior when she's go some motivation. Keep her busy with some simple chores and house rules and she'll be a new kid in no time!

Believe me, start with some timeouts - and be consistent - and make HER clean up her messes. She's not going to like how much work THAT is. Then introduce "earning" some rewards, and she will be happy to help you. Everyday won't be perfect, but I think you'll see some big improvements overall.

Plus, you get to relax a bit too!

best of luck

I second the motion YOU ARE NOT DOING ANYTHING WRONG! She is a kid and testing her limits. Good for you for recruiting your husband and punishing her. Just when you think it can't get worse it does. Make sure you tell her doing that to the dogs food and water can make him sick and I would tell her no more playdates until she can behave like a big girl. The only thing worse than one four year old is two! Hang in there.

It sounds like some natural consequences may better help her learn what she is doing is wrong. She and the friend tore apart the closet, they must clean it up. She peed on the floor and trash can, she must clean it up. She messed up the dogs food she must empty it all and get the dog fresh water and new, dry food. She dunked Barbie's head in the toilet, take the doll away and later ask her why (maybe they honestly wanted to give Barbie a bath or something). At the age of four she, I feel, would better benefit from this type of "punishment." I know it maybe more work for you but possibly less emotional. Just say matter of factly that hey you did this you must fix it. Good luck...I hate those kinds of days where it is never ending, tomorrow is a new day!!

It's that old Shirelle's song... "Mama said there'll be days like this!" The best advise I can give you is what you already know... You MUST have a sense of humor! No one could make stuff up this good! And, keep writing because your book will pay for her college!

Wow, she is soooo good at being 4! Keep your punishments timely and creative, to fit the crime. Make sure that when she is playing with a friend, her bedroom door ALWAYS stays open and, if she plays in a bathroom, you should tell her that her friend will go home because it isn't allowed. You will really have to work hard to figure out what really makes her squirm, whether it's sitting silent for 5 minutes, grounding a blankie or favorite stuffed animal, whatever... this child definitely will be one of those children who needs creative punishment. Snatching things out of her brother's hand or being aggressive toward him needs to be dealt with quickly and immediately.

Wow, good luck!

First, you aren't doing anything wrong!
Second, when she quits testing her limits, worry! This is how she is going to learn for a long time!
Third, it sounds like everything she did was when you were out of the room. So, she knows what she did wrong. Punishment needs to happen as soon as the action happens. Time out step for one minute for year...she is 4 so 4 minutes.
The tearing apart of the room and closet is pretty normal when friends come over. They get excited and want to show them everything... and sometimes other kids are human tornados... my 11 yo neice totally trashed my DD's room last time she was here. So, they don't play unsupervised for more than 15 minutes at a time! If they know I am checking and making them stop and pick up every 15 minutes... they do a better job of not messing up!

Good Luck!

Sounds like she is wanting some one-on-one time with just you and without you being distracted. When my daughter would do this, I would make a day on the weekend that just her and I could hang out together and enjoy each other's company without the boys (I have 2 younger boys).

The only reason I say this is because she is doing things that are going to get your attention...and even though it's negative attention, she's still getting your attention.

Make a mommy-daughter day and go have some fun with just her!!

Hope it all gets better soon!

You are doing NOTHING wrong.... you've got a creative, challenging, wonderful child who just figured out how to dance on your last nerve :) You did the right thing in realizing it was time to call in the troops (dad) and walk away....

I say YOU ROCK as a parent...