Help! I'm Becoming a Resentful, Angry Mother:(

I felt the same way you did and was an angry, resentful mom for about 2 yrs. I wanted to make a change and started seeing a therapist. It has helped a lot. She gives me time to blow off steam and tips to communicate better with my husband so he is more helpful. She also diagnosed me with anxiety and I have started taking Zoloft for a year and continuing therapy so I won't need to be on it forever and can make positive changes in my behavior. I still have my crazy mom moments but I've learned to apologize to the kids and explain the way i handled it was wrong afterward.

Hi Nickie, Find this book "She's Gonna Blow" by Barnhill Its really good and will help you. Good luck!!!

Ahhh, that feeling of "what am I doing here?" and the images of a young you, smiling, looking at your bright, easy future. When it happens to me, i think that I would have found reasons to feel tired/unhappy in the "other" imaginary life too, so I run to get hugs and kisses from my son and I feel better. We all know what you are talking about. Hang in there.

I can totally understand where you are coming from, I feel like that more often than I want to... it has gotten to a point where I was so stressed that I have started to worry about my health from all the stress... and I only have one child (well, and a husband who cleans up after himself like a 4 year old).

But all that said, I am trying to overcome this by understanding that this is not about what the people in my life do, about them creating chaos, not picking up, not listening... but about how I react to all of this.

It is about forcing yourself to let go sometimes, let go of a messy table and just enjoy your children, let go of the dirty socks accumulating on his side of the bed, let go of them not listening and me (or you) cranking up the volume. Let go of your expectations every now and them and just ENJOY!

Yes, chores and discipline are good, they are important, but very few children internalize them before they are adults. Sure, I see many posts of moms that say how well behaved their kids are and how they are never defiant or disrespectful and always clean after themselves from a young age... rest assures that for every perfect child there are ten, who are just exactly the same way yours are with moms with the same frustrations. I swear I didn't do anything in the house that didn't absolutely need doing until I was well in my twenties. I know many people that are exactly the same.

Is a clean table really so important to get so worked up over that you can no longer enjoy your kids? Yes, be consistent, but don't be stiff. Allow yourself and your kids some slack every now and then and stop to smell the roses.
Now I better get to work on taking my own advice.... you are a great mom, you have great kids, get out there and have some fun...
Good luck.

I used some love and logic this weekend. I had enough. this week has been bad for the same things. My living room looks like a homeless person's hovel. It has no order or tidyness. I told the kids that I was going to make brownies, they jumped up and down. Then I told them that the only people getting brownies were the ones that had helped and cleaned up after themselves. She did not do anything. He went and cleaned his room and the litter box, she is 8 he is 5.

Even papa didn't get brownies until he fixed some things that have been on his honey-do list of some time. We enjoyed the brownies in front of her. Often. She is sulking in her bedroom and refusing to eat until she gets brownies. Going without a meal won't hurt her, especially since she ate 3rds on hamburger helper last night and 4 orange rolls this morning.

She may think I am being mean but the swats she could have gotten instead would have got her moving and the work done. She is still grounded to the house, her friends were outside for a bit this afternoon too. She is just going to have to clean up after herself.

Have a chore chart that can be done daily so that your weekends are not spent doing nothing but chores. Weekends ought to be family time, so that when something needs to be cleaned it can be done together and not take too much time. Assign chores to everyone and have the ones that need to be done daily in a certain time frame. Ones that need to be done weekly can be assigned specific days. Include hygiene on the chore chart, as well as homework. Use check marks or stickers to show when something has been done. Make sure you include parents on the chore chart too.

Then when the weekend comes, they'll have earned some activities and outings depending on how many stars/checks/stickers each person has accumulated. Whatever chores are left have to be split up evenly between everyone and done together, but that also means a loss of activities/privileges for the person who skipped out on their chore.

Also keep a list of house rules posted that you can refer to. A lot of kids with autism like rules... it's part of stability and routine. Kids in general tend to like having stability anyway. But if you have a list of household rules dealing with being respectful, lying, doing chores, and other important values in the house that you can refer to that ALSO has a list of consequences if the house rules are broken the you don't have to think of a consequence on the fly and risk creating a punishment that's too harsh when you're angry.

Hmmm... Jack refused to empty the dishwasher tonight and Mom had to do it? Fine. Refusal to do a chore means loss of TV time for the rest of the day and an extra chore the next day on top of the chores he already has AND he doesn't get a sticker for the chore he has to make up. Sam intentionally pushed the baby down and shouted at her? He needs to sit in time out until he cools off, then apologize to the baby. He also loses a privilege for that day and loses a sticker for being disrespectful to the baby.

So say that you have 8 chores that the kids have to do each day including hygiene. Then you have family values and positive behaviors you want to reinforce like "keeping your voice quiet" or "being nice to your sibling" at times when they typically might be the opposite and that totals 15 "chores" on the chart.

Get each of the kids and adults in the house a nice big empty jug/jar. Find some little foam balls or styrofoam balls or something in the craft section that would be fun that can be used to keep track of their chores and behaviors. Every time they complete a chore and perform a positive behavior in a really special way, drop one of those balls in the jar to be counted on Friday. It should match up with the checks on the charts, but what it mainly does is show the kids in a physical way how their positive work builds up visibly. The higher their jars are filled the more they get to do on the weekend.

you are totally normal. you don't need to be medicated. a therapist may help a little, but only because it would give you someone to vent to, and they could give you advice on ways to calm yourself. As a parent of an 11 year old and an 18 year old, let me tell ya....its not all fun!
kids are not the brightest crayons in the box! hahahah (come on momma's you know its true) and boy children?! even worse! think about it...is your husband or any other man you've ever dated a mind reader? heck no! they need EVERYTHING spelled out for them! but don't get too detailed either or you'll lose them there!
it doesn't get better just because they are older and SHOULD be able to think for themselves!
my 18 year old just the other day was asked to clean out the litter box and change the litter. he was in the middle of the project when i left the house so I never thought about it again. the next morning my husbands calls me into the laundry room where the litter box is kept. There was the litter box, clean, with a nice new liner, with a container of litter sitting right next to it...the cat had used the box too, only....THERE WAS NO LITTER IN IT!?!?!? are you kidding me? you have any idea it was to be more proud of my cat than my teenager?! LOL
trust me....and island getaway alone is often a fantasy of mine...so I get where you are coming from.
the best you can do is make sure you make time for yourself.
now...the 7 and 8 year old should be in charge of keeping their room clean, dusting once a week (they'll suck at it, but it helps build responsibility, you can re-do it behind them! ;) they should carry their own dinner plates from the table when done eating. they should make sure their dirty clothes are in the hamper, and they could probably also put their clean clothes away after you do laundry. if you have a pet...throw in feeding and caring for the pet as well. one does it in the morning, the other at night. if they walk away from the table leaving a mess....IMMEDIATELY call them back in, ask if they see anything wrong with the way the table looks. make them figure it out, don't just tell them "clean the table"
the chore chart is a good idea at this age...however...i've found that it can also become a "crutch" for the kids...like "if its not on the chart i don't have to do it" kind of mentality. and when they are too old to respond to stickers on a chore chart (which will be in a short time from now) then what?
perhaps you could make them turn in a "time card" each week. a list of what they did and on which days. and if its turned on by a certain time, on a certain day, they get a small allowance, or treat.

I have had a fit over that kind of thing more than once myself (the last on was yesterday). My kids are younger (3 and 6) but I still get frustrated when it is total chaos. the only thing that kind of works is giving specific jobs and supervising closely. My 3 year old is willing to help but can't do a lot on her own. My 6 year old needs to be reminded to stay on task a lot. My husband will help but not usually unless asked to do a task. Yes, getting out by yourself helps. Also taking 20 or 30 minutes to straighten up together can help.

Two things that have helped me (and I've been there more than I care to think about)
1. Apologize. Lost your cool and yelled above and beyond? Tell them that. You will be amazed by how much better you all feel after, and how much calmer you'll be moving forward. You may need to remove yourself for a spell to calm down to get to a place where you can say it and mean it, but that's OK. then come back and say "I raised my voice and yelled, and probably scared you, and I'm so sorry. No matter how upset or frustrated I am, you still don't deserve to be treated that way. I'm sorry."

2. Give them specific things to do, even write it down if you have to, and make it more fun whenever you can. My 7yo daughter's room gets insane with polly pockets and barbies and all the little bits she uses in her games. I can tell her to clean it up, but she walks in there and gets overwhelmed and starts crying before she even starts. So we sit down and make a list of steps (put away books. put away barbie clothes...), then we hook up her iPod to speakers so she can listen to her favorite songs and sing while she's working. It's amazing how much faster things go when she has some say in how to proceed.

In general, I think you can expect them to do chores and clean up after themselves but you do still need to supervise, and in a way that has clear steps to follow, so they are set up to succeed and more likely to pitch in next time.

It happens to the best of us.
The reason it's probably happening on Sundays is because you've had them home ALL weekend. You're ready for them to go back to school. ;)
I would say to have the older kids help w/a few chores: clear the table, put
your clothes away etc.
A few thoughts:
kids have short attention spans
forget things
need constant reminders
have a zillion things going through their heads
have a lot of new things they are taking in on a daily basis
They need constant direction & re-direction
Their little brains can only concentrate so much.
Their little bodies can only handle so much patient sitting & keeping occupied

I remember as a kid my mom's main refrains were: I am not your maid, do you think I run a taxi etc .All the things you've stated.

I think it is an age old problem.
It's one of the constants in life we can count on & set our watch by.
The solution?
Make them responsible for some minor age appropriate chores
Give them a lot of play time followed by things like: put your toys away,
put your dish away in the sink after dinner, put your clothes in the hamper not on the floor etc.
Also, be sure to get some time to yourself on a daily basis: a quiet walk, a few mins in the back bedroom to read a magazine, a bath to yourself for 15-25 mins.....whatever you can get....take it

Try to find ways to calm yourself down:
-get someone to help you once a week to do laundry etc
-count to 10 BEFORE you blow your top
-walk into another room before you scream at your kids
-let some things go. For example for me, I know I no longer have to keep a pristine home. My home looks lived in & loved.
-call a friend when you feel yourself really needing a pick-me-up
-when your older kids are in school & the baby sleeps YOU REST
-know that kids should take a backseat to housework
- kids are just that: kids that don't know better (not really yet anyway), they are not trying to aggravate you, they are just living, breathing, learning & must rely on you for everything
-remind yourself things will get better & better as time goes on!
-when you get to the point where you feel you want to leave, give yourself a timeout which is really a rest in quiet & away from the maylay
of the day.
-You're not failing. You just need a reminder that this is what it's like.
Hang in there.

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect them to pick up after themselves. Do they get an allowance? If they don't pick up in a timely fashion and you end up having to do it then present them with a bill for cleaning service instead of $.

Every child is different, so its hard to say how much they're capable of. I'd start with one chore a day. Figure out some type of reward system and stay consistent. Once they've masted doing that chore, begin to add more, one at a time no sooner than once a week.

Kids are often immature, but they are certainly capable of rising to the occasion. Its a lot of work for parents to be sure chores are done. So there is a huge temptation to just do it yourself, as they'll forget pretty often. Try to stay calm and remember its normal for them to forget. Just keep reminding them and insisting that they do it.

Best wishes!

Unfortunately your not gonna like this answer most don't but i believe you may be suffering from mild depression and you should call your insurance company and find a sychologist you don't need meds just someone to talk to and vent on and someone to help you feel good about you. I also think you need mom time everyday you need one hr. Take a walk is your best meds. also to help with your discipline get a book called 123 magic its the bomb book if you can enforce it you will be good to go. I helped you with all three issues take one step at a time it will work out and when you feel boiling happeneing tell hubby i need to walk and leave and walk.

I think sometimes we expect these children of ours to know that they need to pick up after themselves. They are children. They should know, but they don't even think.
Next time, as you are finishing up the last item, you need to remind your child to pick up the paper. Then you need to remind him to put the tape and glue and whatever else he used into the basket or container or what have you.
If they try to walk off, just gently remind them what they need to do -- don't just say pick up the supplies. You need to tell them what to do with each item. Pick up the scraps and put them in the trash barrel. Come back and put the scissors and glue away. What should we do with the paper that's left? Where should we put that?
My kids' have one job - to get As at school.
When they aren't doing homework, they are busy. I do what I can. When they are on vacation, they help me. When they are having friends over, they help out.
YMMV
LBC

We have all been there at one time or another. When you feel yourself losing your cool, take a moment to stop and take a breath. Do you have someone who could give you a break once a week? My husband is a FT truck driver and so I am pretty much a single mother. I am lucky that my mom and MIL are willing to help when I get to feeling like the walls are closing in on me. We love our kids, but it doesn't mean we don't need a break. If you can get out by yourself or with a friend, even just for an hour, it will make ALL the difference. You are not alone! We've all had that aweful feeling of guilt for losing our cool when we go to bed at night. I know I've cried many nights. You are a wonderful mother and don't doubt yourself! Hang in there :)

1. Appologize
2. You know kids that age you have to be real specific. Like ok we are just about done I need you to pick up this or that. If he says wait. Say you have 5 minutes or you will have a time out. Got to be straight and to the point

I like the reward system...

i.e. if you clean up your mess, you can have___________or you get to watch_____________on TV